Hello taper my old friend. I’ve come to talk to you again

[[th...]]

Cheers to my third taper that started today! 
Already I feel it due to not being stable and in tolerance already. 
Today is day one and I’m in my head thinking about my last wd and what almost happened just 3 weeks ago has left me raw and not healed from that trauma. 
If you are just now seeing my name and my post, day before yesterday I realized I had a problem. I had hit full tolerance on a 1mg that then had a paradoxical effect. I knew I was messed up. 
3 am rolls around and I’m jolted awake by sheer fear. And I knew what I had to do. I got out of bed, drove to get cell service and paid 85.00 to talk to Angie Peacock for 30 minutes (at 5pm lol I just had to book it fast) 

She is having me water taper. 1ml taken out today 2 tomorrow and so on for 300 days. 9 months roughly. 
I do believe this morning I put more of my Xanax mixture in one container than the other. Because while at work, my head felt like an ocean. 
 

I don’t know how this is going to go. 
My acute had me almost do something you can’t take back and that is why I reinstated. I got bad so quick.

I heard it was something that happens, but I didn’t think that I would be one to even consider. The games this plays with your mind is in real. I have trauma from that night. Even when I reinstated, I had nightmares about it and it is in my mind so clear. 
 

I do not have a support system. 
 

I’m already needy. 😢

[[Ma...]]

Just sending you strength and courage. You are heard! So good of you to seek help and advice, that means you care and are looking for a future.

You can do this. Why? Because you came this far already. 

Cheering you on ánd knowing how you felt at your worst. I was there, twice last year. And still ‘dipping my toes’ in that dark place every few weeks due to the taper. 

One foot in front of the other.