Update - 1% better every day :)

[[Lu...]]

Hey all, just wanted to update any who have been following my posts over the last couple months and maybe see if anyone can relate to my timeline. 
 

after a Xanax cold turkey in early February I have been dealing with the hardest period of my life I could have ever imagined and believe is one of the hardest things a human can endure. Benzo withdrawal.

Today marks 2 months since my last dose. The symptoms i have been dealing with have been beyond comprehension. 
 

I won’t go into the full list on this post and I’m sure some of you who have been supporting me on here know my worst ones. But this past week I have been feeling some beams of hope come through. The physical stuff is about 40 percent better I would say. Still have a ton of twitching especially in my face and legs but much of the pain has began to go away. The mornings are the hardest but I’m feeling relief later in the day. I also seem to be having atleast 4-5 hours a day now where I’m not having vertigo. 
 

the healing I am most excited about is my brain healing though. The mental symptoms have been by far worse than my physical. Debilitating dp/dr, depression, hopelessness. Memory loss. Chemical terror. Chemical depression. Non stop anxiety. Panic attacks.  Beginning about 4 days ago I began to have beautiful windows of clarity and peace. I feel connected to my body and to my loved ones and to the world around me. I’m beginning to feel the dopamine and serotonin flow through my brain again little by little. Beginning to have peaks of interest in hobbies I long forgot the love for over these past Months. I’m beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Which I never thought I would say.  

It’s not the whole day and it’s not 100% back to normal even in those windows. But what it is, is SERIOUS PROGRESS. I totally understand what people mean when they say the gratitude they have for their life after making it through this experience is way more than it was before. I will never take a second of my life for granted after this. 
 

I love feeling like a good dad again in these windows, and a good husband. And feeling love and healing from friends and family. this is my NO MEANS a success story yet; but it is a story of hope.  I just wanted to update everyone and thank everyone again for their continued support. 1% better every day 😊❤️
 

 

Edited April 11 by [Lu...]

[[PE...]]

Wow that is some great news! 

[[ji...]]

so happy to  hear you are doing better~~continued healing to you!~~~jill

[[or...]]

What wonderful news Lucas thanks so much for sharing it it'll help many of us to know that there are healings going on. I'm so happy you have friends and family that have stood by you what a blessing big hugs to you and all your friends and family, Oregonlady that is the most uplifting story of recovery I've heard and I know you're not 100% there yet but still this is so encouraging for me today 💕💕💕

Edited April 11 by [or...]

[[wi...]]

Aw, that’s lovely. It seems some of us do have linear healing. Best wishes!

[[ns...]]

9 hours ago, [[L...] said:

Hey all, just wanted to update any who have been following my posts over the last couple months and maybe see if anyone can relate to my timeline. 
 

after a Xanax cold turkey in early February I have been dealing with the hardest period of my life I could have ever imagined and believe is one of the hardest things a human can endure. Benzo withdrawal.

Today marks 2 months since my last dose. The symptoms i have been dealing with have been beyond comprehension. 
 

I won’t go into the full list on this post and I’m sure some of you who have been supporting me on here know my worst ones. But this past week I have been feeling some beams of hope come through. The physical stuff is about 40 percent better I would say. Still have a ton of twitching especially in my face and legs but much of the pain has began to go away. The mornings are the hardest but I’m feeling relief later in the day. I also seem to be having atleast 4-5 hours a day now where I’m not having vertigo. 
 

the healing I am most excited about is my brain healing though. The mental symptoms have been by far worse than my physical. Debilitating dp/dr, depression, hopelessness. Memory loss. Chemical terror. Chemical depression. Non stop anxiety. Panic attacks.  Beginning about 4 days ago I began to have beautiful windows of clarity and peace. I feel connected to my body and to my loved ones and to the world around me. I’m beginning to feel the dopamine and serotonin flow through my brain again little by little. Beginning to have peaks of interest in hobbies I long forgot the love for over these past Months. I’m beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Which I never thought I would say.  

It’s not the whole day and it’s not 100% back to normal even in those windows. But what it is, is SERIOUS PROGRESS. I totally understand what people mean when they say the gratitude they have for their life after making it through this experience is way more than it was before. I will never take a second of my life for granted after this. 
 

I love feeling like a good dad again in these windows, and a good husband. And feeling love and healing from friends and family. this is my NO MEANS a success story yet; but it is a story of hope.  I just wanted to update everyone and thank everyone again for their continued support. 1% better every day 😊❤️
 

Lucas!

So great to hear this! I'm so happy for you.

You've got this my friend. Keep pushing, enjoy every minute, kiss that baby girl for me! Your such an inspiration to us all Lucas and I know you'll be completely healed in short order!

Keep us posted on your progress, love hearing this! We're here for you!

You give us hope 

You give me hope!

Ns

[[Lu...]]

@[PE...]  @[ji...]  @[or...] @[wi...]  @[ns...] thank you so much for the kind words my friends, I believe in myself and all of us to conquer this! I hope you are all having a morning filled with love and healing ❤️‍🩹 

[[Ch...]]

I thought of you this evening and got on here to check on you.  YAY!!!!!!!! This is so encouraging!!!!! 🙏🙏🙏 so happy you’re feeling better, despite the allergy hiccup.  CONGRATS!!!!!  

[[Lu...]]

@[Ch...] thank you so much my friend you are very kind ❤️🙏I hope you are doing well!! Sending you prayers and love 

[[Kr...]]

Wow!  You are healed up and better so quickly! 

[[Lu...]]

@[Kr...] hey there! A couple days after this post I began to feel very very poorly again unfortunately  I think I was just having a nice window and I thought I was healing but I still am in this horrible wave. But I do have hope I am still continuing to heal somehow someway it’s funny, I have been returning to my own post for inspiration I will get back to how I was feeling when I posted this. hope you’re having a wonderful Saturday 🙏

[[Kr...]]

They say if you have windows as early as you it means you are going to have fast recovery. Sadly, I  stopped having nice windows about 5 months off. If you’re sleeping well, and able to laugh and work and do cooking and cleaning, and have no brain fog or memory issues, I think you are one of the lucky ones and will surely be better in no time and ready to enjoy the summer. 

 

[[Lu...]]

@[Kr...]i have horrid dissociative symptoms mostly and loss of balance. Very severe dp/dr to the point sometimes my family doesn’t seem like mine and my home doesn’t feel like mine. It’s the most distressing feeling I can’t truly put it into words. In terms of work I am slowly easing back into it but can have to go to bathroom often to splash water on my face and bring myself back from panic. Luckily I am able to sleep although it is filled with very vivid bizarre dreams one after another. Sorry to vent haha I’m sure your windows are just around the corner my friend  ❤️ I unfortunately haven’t had a window in many days as well. How far off are you now? Were you having windows prior to the 5 month mark? It’s so Strange to me how are brains heal and then seemingly slide back into this mess, it’s so beyond frustrating. I wonder why that happens. I still constantly think about reinstating on these really hard days and opting for a taper instead of ct. I hope we both get to enjoy this summer

Edited April 21 by [Lu...]

[[Kr...]]

When did you CT? Which benzo and what dose?

 

[[Lu...]]

@[Kr...]Was on Attivan 1.5 mlg for 8 months and then kolonopin 1mlg-1.5mlg for 6 months. And then .75 mlg to 1mlg of Xanax daily for about a month and I cold turkeyed a little over 2 months ago 

Edited April 21 by [Lu...]

[[Kr...]]

Thank you for telling me.

For all those different benzos and a CT you are definitely made of strong stuff. That’s intense. Good for you!

[[Kr...]]

I’m off 11 months 

[[Lu...]]

@[Kr...] I also must add after the attivan I stopped for a few months before reinstating on Klonopin and then tapered off the Klonopin in about a month and then was off for a few months before re instating on Xanax, my doctor never once told me the dangers of switching between benzodiazepines or stopping them. neither of my previous 2 withdrawal were any where near as bad as this one. I believe the two previous withdrawals sensitized me and kindled me and then this third one is complete hell. So amazing you have been off 11 months! You are also strong! How Long were you on and what Benzo? Have you seen any improvement of symptoms over these 11 months?

Edited April 21 by [Lu...]

[[Kr...]]

Thank you but I don’t feel amazing and I suffer from flat emotions so I can’t even feel proud of myself. It sucks, mentally o know it’s a big deal, but no joy or emotion on my senses. It’s called anhedonia,it’s brutally cruel. Zaps the humanity right out from under me.

I have seen some improvement but not as much as I’d like. I’m still barely functional.

i was on for 7 years Xanax, then they added Ativan, then CT me off that after a few years, then people here told me to switch to Valium to taper and it was a horrible drug for me. Like you I’m severely kindled from going on and off the drugs and switching things.

 

Edited April 21 by [Kr...]
Typo

[[Lu...]]

@[Kr...] im so sorry, I totally empathize with that feeling of no positive emotion. I have that as well. It’s very difficult for me to feel happiness and connection from my loved ones when I’m not in a window. Most things that used to fill me with light and happiness seem dull and dark. But I do know it is going to get better for the both of us at some point ❤️

[[Kr...]]

Just now, [[L...] said:

But I do know it is going to get better for the both of us at some point

 I hope so for you, I’m not so sure about me. Its hard to keep faith when it seems to have got more intense the past few months with no windows now since February