Sooooo tired of hiding stuff:

[[kn...]]

One of the things that hanging out here has done for me is to provide a cathartic opporttunity to let things go.  I have severe generalized anxiety disorder and I've spent most of my life hiding what's really going on with me.  I come by it honestly.  My first job was at my dad's barber shop where I was paid to hide stuff.  I was the shoeshine 'boy" and in addition to doing shoes, cleaning up, etc.  one of my jobs was to hide stuff at certain times.  When the health inspector did his scheduled inspections, the shop mascot, a canary/raptor sort of thing and his cage had to disappear.  When the minister showed up to have his hair cut, I made quick business with all of the 'adult' magazines on hand.  And when the blue mystery liquid in the shaving lotion bottles, for sale in the window, turned to an ugly shade of sludge, I had to put food coloring in them to make them look saleable.  And, through the years, I tried to make sure nobody knew that I was a seriously needy mental health patient.  Once I became of 'draft' age (military conscription) during the Viet Nam era, I hid out in a college I really had no interest in lest I risk likely death or dismemberment in Southeast Asia.  But, grown, married and working, things became much more difficult.  Fooling the kids and staff members where I taught was easy enough, but my my wife knew me through and through.  She put up with me and made excuses for me for years, but alas, eventually she couldn't stand it any more.  No, she never left, but made sure that I went to the Nurse Practitioner at the behavior health clinic and got medication.  I never did report to anyone that I took the stuff and I refused therapy as I did not want folks to see me coming and going from 'that part' of the hospital.  It all caught up with me eventually.  I took Benzos for decades (3) and wound up a mess and on this web site.  Thank god.  When I lost most of the use of my legs and neighbors, friends and relatives asked me about the cane that held me up.  I originally told them that my 'old sports injury was acting up' .  When I got so sick that I joined the rest of you here, I really didn't care any more.  I've since just Outed Myself.   First to all of you, and then to everybody else.  Nowadays, as I hobble by folks who ask me what in the h____ is wrong with you, I stop, look them in the eye and tell them that I suffer from a mental health disorder, was addicted to Benzodiazepines and it's totally screwed me up and so what about it anyway.  It's a bit blunt, but you wouldn't believe the number of people that stop to ask, "My God, that's horrible, tell me about it".  

[[Pa...]]

I'm glad you feel free enough to let others see you, its a lot of work keeping secrets, I kept plenty when was a practicing alcoholic so when I quit it was wonderful not to have to lie anymore.  Years later when I started taking benzodiazepines, I fell into the same behavior but thank goodness that's over.

You outing yourself serves two purposes, it lets you be yourself and educate others, good for you. 

 

[[de...]]

There is so much freedom in just not caring what others think, and allowing others to see who we are - warts and all.

Keeping secrets is exhausting!

How's the toilet working?

 

[[Li...]]

5 hours ago, [[k...] said:

Nowadays, as I hobble by folks who ask me what in the h____ is wrong with you, I stop, look them in the eye and tell them that I suffer from a mental health disorder, was addicted to Benzodiazepines and it's totally screwed me up and so what about it anyway. 

Are you certain you were addicted to benzodiazepines, @[kn...]?  True benzodiazepine addiction is actually quite rare.

Based on what you’ve shared with us, it sounds like you were a compliant patient who took your medication exactly as prescribed and developed physical dependence and tolerance to a chronically administered medication.

Individuals who are addicted to a drug (or — to use more contemporary terminology — individuals who have a substance use disorder) may (or may not) develop physical dependence and tolerance as well.  However, they also:

• Take the substance in larger amounts or for longer than prescribed
• Spend a lot of time getting, using, or recovering from use of the substance
• Experience strong cravings and urges to use the substance
• Are unable to do what’s needed at work, home, or school because of substance use
• Give up important relational, social, occupational, or recreational activities because of substance use
• Use the substance again and again, even when it puts the person in physical danger

 

 

 

[[kn...]]

Thanks for your explanation of this.  This means that I'm actually in a better head space than I thought I was.  This is going to do a lot for my self esteem.  All this time I've been blaming myself for getting into this mess in the first place. I need to go back and re-think this. This is big!

[[WU...]]

19 minutes ago, [[k...] said:

blaming myself for getting into this mess in the first place

Now why would you do that? I did too but recently I've had a rethink and look at things differently and realise I've had either bad or non-existent advice from our so called health providers. Thing is we are in this mess now and have to find a way through it as best we can but definitely without blaming ourselves.

[[Li...]]

26 minutes ago, [[k...] said:

Thanks for your explanation of this.  This means that I'm actually in a better head space than I thought I was.  This is going to do a lot for my self esteem.  All this time I've been blaming myself for getting into this mess in the first place. I need to go back and re-think this. This is big!

 

I’m delighted I was able to clarify this for you @[kn...].

The words we use to describe what’s happened to us matter!  

Dependence is a normal physiological adaptation to repeated dosing of certain medications.  For example, physical dependence is also observed with antidepressants and beta-blockers … but we don’t mislabel people who take these medications as ‘addicts.’

Mislabeling and misdiagnoses of substance use disorders (addiction) can lead to a cascade of negative outcomes, including stigma, discontinuation of needed medications, and undue scrutiny of patients, physicians, and pharmacists.  Misdiagnosis can also result in inappropriate or harmful treatment of a patient (e.g. sending the ‘taken as prescribed’ benzodiazepine-dependent patient to a detox center or an inpatient psychiatric unit).  Even worse, mislabeling and misdiagnosis can threaten patients’ lives.  There have been multiple reports of sudden, involuntary cessation of benzodiazepine treatment leading to death as well as increased risks of suicidal thoughts and behavior.

To learn more:

Words Can Hurt Those on Benzodiazepines 
https://www.benzoinfo.com/2018/09/20/words-can-hurt-those-on-benzodiazepines/

Physical Dependence - Benzodiazepine Information Coalition
https://www.benzoinfo.com/physical-dependence/

 

 

[[kn...]]

@[Li...]

Read the articles you linked to.  Wow, have I been misinformed.  Actually my thoughts on addiction came from one of my prescribers who told me that I would become addicted to the drugs (benzos) if I continued to take them.  They worked well, and he continued to prescribe them for many years after that.  I didn't have a clue.  The Dr. who initially started me on the taper didn't believe that the symptoms I had could be related to withdrawal.  In fact, none of the physicians that I went to for evaluations (cardiologist, primary care, neurologist) had ever heard of a situation like I was in.  Weird, run of the mill stuff that everyone here has dealt with?