I just need a friend.

[[ph...]]

I’ve been crying since I woke up this morning. I’ve officially accepted the fact that I’m just a disabled person who isn’t capable of doing much at all. I’ve completely given up on the idea of ever finding love, I absolutely don’t have what it takes anymore for that. It’s whatever man. I just don’t know how to live with complete and utter isolation anymore. I just can’t stand this loneliness anymore. I’m so scared and terrified every single day. I completely destroyed my youth, there’s no coming back from that. Now I have nothing to live for and I have nobody in my life that cares about me.

My friends, the only people keeping me alive, are slipping away. I can’t keep up with them and it shows in our relationship. It seems that any time I actually have the energy and guts to make plans with my friends, they’ll always find ways to make it fall through. They never talk to me first anymore. I just know that they don’t want to hang out with me anymore. I really thought they loved me deeply for who I was but that was just me being naive. All I know is if I lose them, I swear I will lose myself.

I can’t do this alone anymore. I just want a friend man. That’s all I ask. I can’t stand going every single day of my life completely alone in a torturous hellish misery. I want to end my life every single day.

Most of you have spouses and established lives so I’m not even sure why I’m posting here, other than the fact that this is just a last resort and I don’t even want to see the next year.

I just want somebody to tell me they love me. I just want somebody to give me a hug. I want someone to put their hand on my back and tell me it’s gonna be okay. I don’t know what that’s like anymore and that’s embarrassing and disgusting. I feel like I just deserve to die.

I forget what it’s like to feel loved. To even feel human touch. To feel excited about what I’ll be doing with my friends next week. All I do is rot in bed. I don’t leave the house. I would gladly give up my life if it meant somebody could love me unconditionally for just six months.

Is there anything I can do? What can I do to help the loneliness? I can’t wait this out, I won’t make it. “Waiting it out” is not an option anymore. This is officially an emergency. There is a human need that is not being met right now. You can’t “wait out” hunger just like you can’t wait out utter isolation. I can’t take much more of this man.

How am i even supposed to get somebody to care about me anymore? Is it even worth trying? Am I just being naive? Is this what life is actually about?

I don’t even care about finding love anymore. I don’t even feel romantic attraction at this point. Literally all I want now is just somebody who cares about me AT ALL. I want someone to watch a movie with and to play games with. It’s all I ask. I just can’t pass my life away without people by my side anymore. I’m not gonna make it out alive.

Edited January 23 by [ph...]
wrote something stupid and upsetting and i don't want anybody in a bad place to read that.

[[wi...]]

@[ph...]I TOTALLY understand your pain. It’s uncanny that I just posted something this morning that was basically asking for love and acceptance.

You can check it out and see you aren’t alone.

 I can deeply identify with everything you wrote.

im alone without a partner, too. It is painful to read others say they can’t imagine going through this without their wonderful and supportive partners. im glad for them, but it does sting.

And I try and remember I really don’t know what goes on behind closed doors with people on social media.

Im so sorry there isn’t a way for this nightmare to end quickly. 

im sending you love and hugs. 🫂
 

 

Edited January 22 by [wi...]

[[Bu...]]

Big hugs to you ❤️‍🩹 you are not alone in this 

[[Re...]]

I am not physically alone, but I am very very lonely. Since I began tapering, last February, almost a year, I had no human contact other than my parents. If I try to speak to someone, I get nausea and head pressure because I get overwhelmed. 

The way you write about loneliness tells a lot about you and your values. Going through this process, however, hijacks our minds, mine too. I feel like an absolute secondary citizen and I have absolute zero self esteem. I think I am not worth of any kind of love. 

But I know I was not like this before. It is the madness of W/D. I just want it to end, too, so bad. 

I am really trying to let more time pass by. 

I know what you feel, I am sending you a virtual hug. I wish I could be there for you. 

[[El...]]

I can totally relate, I just posted a post like yours a couple of days ago. 

I'm completely alone in this, and it's just so so hard, but I refuse to give up. If those friends are not there for you through this hard time, then they don't deserve to be your friends. I'm currently in a setback, but I'm 7 years out, and 7 years ago I was just like you. But I managed to pull through, I made new friend on different forums that are still with me today, they're not many but while I'm now in a setback I often turn to them.

Other friends I simply just see that they'll never understand this and from another perspective I kinda forgive them because I think I my self would have a really hard time understanding this 10 years ago if someone went through it, it's so so hard for others to grasp what we're going through. 

Even though I have some few I occasionally speak to in the phone during this, I can so well relate to what you're writing, I just miss someone's precense around me, someone I can just turn to and get a hug, someone who just holds me and tells me that everything will be ok. Just to know there's someone in the other room would make all this easier, it's a lonely journey, but often are those journeys the ones that makes us stronger 

You will pull through, you're young and if I could do it, you can too. 

I LOVE YOU❤️

[[WU...]]

Yeah me too, alone with no friends at all. I occasionally see neighbours when I empty the bins and I see the grocery delivery guy once a week and that is the only contact I've had since March last year. I can't leave the house as symptoms are still really bad.

How did this happen? I'm much, much older than you so would expect people to come and go in life but didn't expect to lose them all in a few short years. It just goes to show how easily things can change for the worse. On the other hand they can just as easily change for the better too so keep that in mind.

I do sometimes wonder if going through withdrawal and recovery with friends around could actually be harder as they wouldn't understand and this could lead to friction and I certainly don't want that.

We need to recover first and then find new friends, it has to be in that order I think.  In the meantime I am learning to be my own best friend, patting myself on the back and telling myself I'm getting good at being self-sufficient. I feel like a female version of Robinson Crusoe at times, at least I don't have to forage for food and build a shelter. The story was based on real life where the guy, Alexander Selkirk, only 28 at the time was marooned on an island for 4 years before being rescued. 

It is a cliche but we have to love ourselves first, even as we suffer, perhaps especially when we suffer. What would you do for a friend if they were suffering like you? That is what we need to do for ourselves. And you know what, I've come to the conclusion that it is not a friend I need right now, but recovery !  I want my brain to function normally. I want to know what I am really like without these stupid drugs messing things up. 

Keep posting, get it all out in the open. I think you'll find there are many more of us on our own than it first appears. Maybe we can learn from each other's strategies.  I'm on my own Robinson Crusoe island here and it is lonely but it won't be forever.....

Take good care

 

[Guest [...]]

@[ph...] @[wi...] @[Re...] @[El...] @[WU...]

I just want you all to know that who you are comes through in your posts, and I would very much appreciate spending time with any one of you. I know it’s a very lonely process, but please do as @[WU...] suggested… find that flicker of self love within yourself and build on it. It is abundantly clear to me that you are all beautiful beings. There is so much light awaiting you on the other side of this painful process and whether you realise it or not, on a very deep level, there is enormous inner growth taking place as you move through this darkness. 
 

Please do not judge yourselves. All I see here are beautiful hearts. 

[Guest [...]]

@[ph...]

I completely understand the loneliness and desire for the comfort of a partner or friend. 

Please know that your lack of friendship right now has nothing at all to do with who you are, but everything to do with what you are going through. 

Although we haven’t communicated much, I still remember your very first post on the forum. I was immediately drawn to your warmth, openness, vulnerability and emotional intelligence. I immediately knew “this guy has the entire world at his feet” once he gets to the other side of this… he will immediately attract all the right people into his life, like moths to a flame!  

And I stand by that 100% 

Stay strong my friend! 🫂🫂🫂

 

Edited January 23 by Guest

[[WU...]]

@[Wi...] "Please do not judge yourselves"

Why not?  All of us are judging ourselves constantly, can't help it. And I don't see anything wrong with it either. I am a practical person, just trying to make sense of where I am. Probably won't find a satisfactory answer but it won't stop me from trying.

Any one could suddenly find themselves alone. We haven't done anything wrong.  The light and the dark are two sides of the same coin called life. No point in favouring one side or another as one side cannot exist without its counterpart. Its all one big Yin Yang tumbling through space and time.  We've all got a bit too much Yang at the moment, that is all.  It is the pills that have done this, promising something and delivering the opposite ! Just have to patiently wait it out until balance is restored.

 

 

 

 

[Guest [...]]

You will learn not to judge yourself in your own time @[WU...]

Please understand that self judgement is the opposite of acceptance, which is just another word for self love. Acceptance is the allowance of light and dark (duality) to coexist in a balanced energetic state. 
 

But, it is a process. 

Edited January 23 by Guest

[[WU...]]

@[Wi...] I'm quite happy thank you very much, as I judge myself to be OK !   

[Guest [...]]

 @[WU...]

I would encourage anyone to do whatever they feel is working for them. ❤️

[[or...]]

20 hours ago, [[p...] said:

I’ve been crying since I woke up this morning. I’ve officially accepted the fact that I’m just a disabled person who isn’t capable of doing much at all. I’ve completely given up on the idea of ever finding love, I absolutely don’t have what it takes anymore for that. It’s whatever man. I just don’t know how to live with complete and utter isolation anymore. I just can’t stand this loneliness anymore. I’m so scared and terrified every single day. I completely destroyed my youth, there’s no coming back from that. Now I have nothing to live for and I have nobody in my life that cares about me.

My friends, the only people keeping me alive, are slipping away. I can’t keep up with them and it shows in our relationship. It seems that any time I actually have the energy and guts to make plans with my friends, they’ll always find ways to make it fall through. They never talk to me first anymore. I just know that they don’t want to hang out with me anymore. I really thought they loved me deeply for who I was but that was just me being naive. All I know is if I lose them, I swear I will lose myself.

I can’t do this alone anymore. I just want a friend man. That’s all I ask. I can’t stand going every single day of my life completely alone in a torturous hellish misery. I want to end my life every single day.

Most of you have spouses and established lives so I’m not even sure why I’m posting here, other than the fact that this is just a last resort and I don’t even want to see the next year.

I just want somebody to tell me they love me. I just want somebody to give me a hug. I want someone to put their hand on my back and tell me it’s gonna be okay. I don’t know what that’s like anymore and that’s embarrassing and disgusting. I feel like I just deserve to die.

I forget what it’s like to feel loved. To even feel human touch. To feel excited about what I’ll be doing with my friends next week. All I do is rot in bed. I don’t leave the house. I would gladly give up my life if it meant somebody could love me unconditionally for just six months.

Is there anything I can do? What can I do to help the loneliness? I can’t wait this out, I won’t make it. “Waiting it out” is not an option anymore. This is officially an emergency. There is a human need that is not being met right now. You can’t “wait out” hunger just like you can’t wait out utter isolation. I can’t take much more of this man.

How am i even supposed to get somebody to care about me anymore? Is it even worth trying? Am I just being naive? Is this what life is actually about?

I don’t even care about finding love anymore. I don’t even feel romantic attraction at this point. Literally all I want now is just somebody who cares about me AT ALL. I want someone to watch a movie with and to play games with. It’s all I ask. I just can’t pass my life away without people by my side anymore. I’m not gonna make it out alive.

Hi @[ph...] sometimes we just need someone to listen, and I think that's called for here.  You are grieving the loss of your desired life.  Just stick with your peers, that's people here that will listen.  You're going to make it through this, I believe it or I wouldn't say it, I love how brave and honest you are, I'll at least be an online friend until you are up and around again, and you will be up and around again, oregonlady (Denise) ♥️♥️♥️

[[Da...]]

22 hours ago, [[p...] said:

I just don’t know how to live with complete and utter isolation anymore

I am sorry you feel this way.  I too am going through the same, and feels like nothing exists....people making plans for milestones in their lives sends me into isolation in a complete break down....as I don't feel it is real or I won't be a part of.  Kinda like a neverenending cycle of Grief...where I am grieving the person I was and the person I'm not....emotion torture.  I am not sure about you, but my mind is in a never-ending loop of negative thoughts.  I hear you and please know you are not alone.  Praying for you.

[[Da...]]

22 hours ago, [[p...] said:

I’ve been crying since I woke up this morning. I’ve officially accepted the fact that I’m just a disabled person who isn’t capable of doing much at all. I’ve completely given up on the idea of ever finding love, I absolutely don’t have what it takes anymore for that. It’s whatever man. I just don’t know how to live with complete and utter isolation anymore. I just can’t stand this loneliness anymore. I’m so scared and terrified every single day. I completely destroyed my youth, there’s no coming back from that. Now I have nothing to live for and I have nobody in my life that cares about me.

My friends, the only people keeping me alive, are slipping away. I can’t keep up with them and it shows in our relationship. It seems that any time I actually have the energy and guts to make plans with my friends, they’ll always find ways to make it fall through. They never talk to me first anymore. I just know that they don’t want to hang out with me anymore. I really thought they loved me deeply for who I was but that was just me being naive. All I know is if I lose them, I swear I will lose myself.

I can’t do this alone anymore. I just want a friend man. That’s all I ask. I can’t stand going every single day of my life completely alone in a torturous hellish misery. I want to end my life every single day.

Most of you have spouses and established lives so I’m not even sure why I’m posting here, other than the fact that this is just a last resort and I don’t even want to see the next year.

I just want somebody to tell me they love me. I just want somebody to give me a hug. I want someone to put their hand on my back and tell me it’s gonna be okay. I don’t know what that’s like anymore and that’s embarrassing and disgusting. I feel like I just deserve to die.

I forget what it’s like to feel loved. To even feel human touch. To feel excited about what I’ll be doing with my friends next week. All I do is rot in bed. I don’t leave the house. I would gladly give up my life if it meant somebody could love me unconditionally for just six months.

Is there anything I can do? What can I do to help the loneliness? I can’t wait this out, I won’t make it. “Waiting it out” is not an option anymore. This is officially an emergency. There is a human need that is not being met right now. You can’t “wait out” hunger just like you can’t wait out utter isolation. I can’t take much more of this man.

How am i even supposed to get somebody to care about me anymore? Is it even worth trying? Am I just being naive? Is this what life is actually about?

I don’t even care about finding love anymore. I don’t even feel romantic attraction at this point. Literally all I want now is just somebody who cares about me AT ALL. I want someone to watch a movie with and to play games with. It’s all I ask. I just can’t pass my life away without people by my side anymore. I’m not gonna make it out alive.

I am so so sorry you are experiencing this.  I can empathize.  I feel what you feel.  Please tho, if you are having severe thoughts, go to ER.  You are worth it.  People here, more than I, have experiences that it does end....I just wanted to say you are not alone and I am happy that you reached out here

[[Da...]]

1 hour ago, [[o...] said:

You are grieving the loss of your desired life

TY that's is exactly what I feel but when I say it, people tell me to look around and see how blessed I am.  They are right, of course, if only I could flip that switch.  Guilt, regret, shame and grief.  More Guilt with feeling selfish that I cannot be happy at all  Comforting to know someone knows the same feeling of Grief.  TY

 

[[or...]]

15 minutes ago, [[D...] said:

TY that's is exactly what I feel but when I say it, people tell me to look around and see how blessed I am.  They are right, of course, if only I could flip that switch.  Guilt, regret, shame and grief.  More Guilt with feeling selfish that I cannot be happy at all  Comforting to know someone knows the same feeling of Grief.  TY

Don't have any more "likes" to share on this thread, but I so agree with your reply.  I'd just as soon smack someone that tries to shut me up when I need to vent.  They aren't in our shoes, or don't remember what loss (grief) we feel.  What, we're supposed to feel wonderful and positive all the time?  There's a time and place for tough-love, but this ain't it.

I've been close to where @[ph...] and everyone else I see having the courage to speak out.  It's a good warning for folks just getting started with the idea of either Cold Turkeying, or tapering too fast.  Even my slow taper has had some wd sxs that have been serious enough for me to want just wonder if I can keep going through it.  Thanks to the others here that share they made it through, I still have tons of hope, oregonlady ♥️♥️♥️

[Guest [...]]

@[Da...]

I think you would find very few members here who haven’t had to work their way through grieving the life they could’ve been living. I think it’s built in to it. Although, I do think it may possibly be a little less intense for those who have supportive families and friends (loved ones) around them. 

You are not alone 🫂

[[ph...]]

I would just like to say how much I appreciate all of the responses on this thread. I really really really appreciate it, every single one of you ❤️

I will do my absolute best to respond to everybody as much as I can.

Things have just been so rough man. Really, really bad wave right now. Just super disheartening. I just want to relax, that's it. Awful physical anxiety and agitation, crushing crushing depression that's just so deep. But, the last time I had a wave this bad, I turned a corner. Just really wish I could get there.

But I just want to make it as clear as I can how grateful I am for every response on this thread. As rough as things have been, this was absolutely a lifesaver for me. I'm wishing all of you the absolute best in your recovery. Some of what I read was really heartbreaking and I all I want is to be there for you right now... as soon as I'm able, that's what I'll do. You all deserve nothing but the best. You are all truly beautiful souls  so much love to you all ❤️

[Guest [...]]

You will turn a corner @[ph...]

It’s not necessary to overburden yourself with replies when you are so symptomatic. Just rest yourself and know you have friends here who care about you. We’ll all band together and help each other get through…

Rest yourself my friend ❤️ 
 

 

[[or...]]

Yes, I second what @[Wi...] says about not burdening yourself with having to reply.  I for one don't expect that from others, especially when they are obviously suffering, sending hope and love your way @[ph...] oregonlady

[[wi...]]

❤️I feel such love and appreciation for all of you. 
Wish I could give everyone an in-person hug.

I’m honored to be your company…all of you.

Love really is the most powerful force in the universe. 
 

 

[[de...]]

@[ph...]  You are much loved by those on this thread and beyond!   We are with you and have felt many of those same things.     I don't want to say anything too glib or trite, but you will get through this.   It is tough.    Please don't feel like you have to respond.   We see you and hear you!!!   

[[Di...]]

I just read your post.  I want for you and others to know we are not alone in our journey.  I live alone.  I fell and broke my right (dominate) wrist.  I fell again last night on my broken wrist. .  I fall because of being on Lorazepam.  I get dizzy.  I hope I did not injure my wrist, but it hurts like hell.  

I have very little friends.  I can relate to what you are saying.  Virtual hug to you is the best I can do but please know we all are here for you.  We suffer the same feelings you are suffering from.  I hope one day you check back in with us.  We care.