Oh, the cost.

[[Bu...]]

It is the middle of the night where I am and I can't sleep, but not for the usual reasons.  Not because of the damage, but because of what healing means.  I have been sick for thirteen years.  For thirteen years I was told I had some sort of mysterious auto-immune disease.  Thirteen years ago my life was hijacked, rerouted, twisted around and tuned inside out. I had to learn to accept smaller and smaller limits on my health, what I could eat, where I could go and when.  Even hobbies had to change.  I couldn't paint anymore because I developed a sensitivity to the smell.  Nothing could be scented or perfumed.  I have to be so careful about everything.  My life is a constant balancing act on a razor thin wire just to be able to do the basics.

I had to quit teaching. I had planned to eventually be a curriculum director in a preschool.  With my job, out went all my dreams for my career.  And now with one income and medical bills, there went the dream of owning a house.  Right before everything fell apart, my husband and I had planned on adopting children.  That dream had to be let go, too.  For thirteen long years I accepted all of this as part of what it means to have a chronic illness.

And now...it is looking more and more likely that I don't have that illness.  That all of this is from the 20 years of clonazepam use.  All of that loss was preventable.  All of it.  I lost 13 really important years to this.  I was almost 33 when this mess began and I will be 47 in a couple months.  I am too old to resurrect those dreams.  

So I will heal to some degree, maybe completely.  It seems like most people eventually do.  I'm just not finding a whole lot of solace in that right now. 

[[Si...]]

I'm so sorry.  I can relate so so much; people talk about healing and all they then went on to accomplish, but for some of us it's too late x

[[wi...]]

@[Bu...]

Im so glad I read this.

I’m deeply moved by your words. You have such depth. Thank you for inspiring me to keep going. 

[[ph...]]

@[Bu...] Hey, I’m having a really really bad day today (it’s been a really bad week) and I have recently been thinking about my losses a lot as well, at least when I look into the future. It sounds stupid because I’m quite literally half your age, but I fear for my ability to ever move forward in life in a meaningful capacity. I feel that I may have prematurely ruined my cognitive functioning and may never have what it takes to own a house or have a career at all. I will probably not have what it takes to get a college degree.

However I quickly went through your profile history and you mentioned that some of the ailments that have hurt you for years have dropped off. That not only means that you’ve been healing, but that you also have hope.

I want to point out that you are NOT too old to resurrect your dreams. 47 is not old at all!!!! Who on earth says you can’t still buy a house? Who says you can’t teach again? So many of my awesome teachers were in their late 40s-50s.

You know how much wisdom and insight you could offer to young children after what you have gone through. Things that ACTUALLY matter in life.. it’s extremely important to pass that down to the younger generation. I really hope that you don’t put your dream down  

I think that you would make a wonderful parent. You are showing signs of obvious and substantial healing and I promise you’ll be in a place to where you could raise a child to be a wonderful adult.

And from what it sounds like, you have a husband who has stuck by your side for all 13 years of your suffering. Having a loving partner is something I could only dream of. In fact, it’s a loss of mine that I cut at night. Having a loving partner is almost more important to me than having a successful career. In fact, it kind of is. At the end of the day a career is material, but love is what makes life worth living.

You’re going to heal okay? You can adopt children, and I hope you do. You can absolutely buy a house. You can 100% still get a career in teaching. Even if it takes a little more time, which is absolutely not a problem.

Youre not alone in being beat down by what you’ve lost. But you’re getting it back and I promise you’ll be able to live your best life. Please hang in there.

[[Bu...]]

Thank you everyone for reading this and responding.  Truthfully, I wasn't sure anyone would relate.  It seems like most folks on here are either much younger than me, with the time to continue on with dreams that were put on hold, or much older with children and grandchildren, who are just waiting to fit back into the comfortable groove of their life. Thank you all for reminding me that this is a hard thing no matter your age or what you have or don't have, and that we all feel the loss.  It helps me to remember that I am not alone.

@[Si...], perhaps we will have new dreams that we never thought of before, born out of all this suffering.  In the light of a new day, it seems like this must certainly be true.

@[wi...],  I think this is one of the highest compliments one can be given, that we helped someone else on this journey.  So, thank you.❤

@[ph...],  My friend, you have wisdom beyond your years.  Thank you for the perspective and for the reminder for how important my husband is.  I wish everyone a spouse as wonderful as he is.

 

[[Mr...]]

Hello,

Thanks for your post. I'm in a bit of a fog just recently started tapering my clonazepam dosage so I'm a bit confused. You said you used clonazepam for 20 years and have been sick for 13 years. How long have you been off the clonazepam now. Is the 13 years of sickness the total time you have been benzo free?

Thanks,

MrBlue

[[Bu...]]

Hey @[Mr...],

Sorry for the confusion.  I have only been benzo free for about 5 months.  From what I have pieced together, I most probably went into a combination of tolerance withdrawal, inter-dose withdrawal, the effects of kindling and just plane side-effects 13 years ago after I had been off for about a year and then reinstated. For the first 7 years that I took clonazepam, I was relatively healthy.