What if you’re just not strong?

[[ph...]]

it’s 2024. I just watched another year pass me by like nothing. This is disgusting and terrifying. Im a psycho. I’m insane and losing my mind and slipping into a psychosis. I’m going to be 24. My life has gone quite literally nowhere since 18. And now I’ve permanently destroyed my brain and body with a drug I took for 3 months.

i’ve been extremely depressed my entire life so it’s whatever. By 16 I would go months at a time without brushing my teeth, many days without a shower, wouldn’t talk to any friends for weeks and weeks. That’s where my life is now. That’s where I’ve regressed and now I have to learn to live with it?

Now my depression is chemical. It’s an untouchable anhedonia. It’s been a full year now. I’ve been off 10+ months but my brain got destroyed before the taper. And I just have to “take it day by day”? Just smile I guess? Please can somebody tell me how I’m supposed to keep this shit up? I’m supposed to be able to handle this? I’m supposed to learn how to accept this? 

What if you’re not strong? How are you all in relationships? How do you all have lives? How are you all doing this? Where did I miss the memo??? I can’t leave the house unless it’s to go to work and I need to take 1800mg gabapentin (sometimes I sneak in some more) and a bunch of oxycodone (not mine) to make it through the day. It’s just getting worse and worse man. Physically I’m doing so much better, but time is absolutely not healing my mental symptoms all. 

Can somebody please tell me how they’re keeping up with their lives and responsibilities? Am I just as immature as I think I am? Am I being a pussy? Am I not trying hard enough?

I swear to god, in the beginning, I PROMISED myself I’d push through. I was a warrior. But now I’m tired. I’ve been reduced to nothing. I’m nothing. I’m useless and worthless. I’m supposed to just keep passing the years by? Just keep working a terrible job? So I can not be selfish and keep myself around? For what?

Nobody’s sleep truly “heals”. You just learn how to accept sleeping in no more than 4 hour segments. You have to pretend to accept that you had your humanity forever destroyed. I don’t like that at all. That’s just not me. I don’t like it. And I don’t want to live with it. Truly.

My anxiety is forever going to be unlivable. My depression will forever be untouchable. And I need to learn to accept this. Really? Can somebody please tell me this isn’t the case? 

I can’t think. I can’t remember things. I can’t keep up with books or tv shows or movies or what the **** the person directly in front of me is saying to me.

what am I supposed to do man.

Edited January 7 by [ph...]

[[To...]]

I feel you deeply my friend. I am sorry to hear about your long history with depression. What started that? What meds are you on now besides Gb. I often feel the same way you do. Was flying high till sh*t hit the fan. Spiraling in a way also. You going to work is a feat. Take credit for that. Keep me posted. 

[[ve...]]

Which benzo did you take?

I was like this in my 20's minus the depression.  Believing you're a psycho and that it's gonna be like that forever is the worst part.

This kind of experiences put us in the most brutal way to know ourselves by first experiencing what we are not.  Avoid any kind of drugs and alcohol.  Be careful with the oxycodone.  I too picked up an opioid.

You're young.  Your brain still has most of its neuroplasticity potential.  Don't waste your youth.

[[ve...]]

I forgot to say that this is not about strength but survival instinct.  We discover our own strength throughout these ordeals.  Our own frustration of not having a normal life is what pushes us forward.  Avoid the kind of drugs that just numb this feeling.

[[ve...]]

Try doing stuff to improve your self-image with some tips of urban shamanism I got from Carlos Castaneda's Don Juan:

- Exercize.  Improve your physique.

- Wear new clothes from top to bottom.

- Learn the art of Not Doing.

[[wi...]]

🫂❤️🫂

[[Si...]]

I almost could have written this.  I say this kind of stuff all day long.  Can I ask, do your mental symptoms cause physical symptoms? Do the anxiety and depression cause physical pain in the body? 

You are young, there's a way out for you.  You can have a family... do you see any improvements? when did you come off?

[[ns...]]

On 01/01/2024 at 17:09, [[p...] said:

it’s 2024. I just watched another year pass me by like nothing. This is disgusting and terrifying. Im a psycho. I’m insane and losing my mind and slipping into a psychosis. I’m going to be 24. My life has gone quite literally nowhere since 18. And now I’ve permanently destroyed my brain and body with a drug I took for 3 months.

i’ve been extremely depressed my entire life so it’s whatever. By 16 I would go months at a time without brushing my teeth, many days without a shower, wouldn’t talk to any friends for weeks and weeks. That’s where my life is now. That’s where I’ve regressed and now I have to learn to live with it?

Now my depression is chemical. It’s an untouchable anhedonia. It’s been a full year now. I’ve been off 10+ months but my brain got destroyed before the taper. And I just have to “take it day by day”? Just smile I guess? Please can somebody tell me how I’m supposed to keep this shit up? I’m supposed to be able to handle this? I’m supposed to learn how to accept this? 

What if you’re not strong? How are you all in relationships? How do you all have lives? How are you all doing this? Where did I miss the memo??? I can’t leave the house unless it’s to go to work and I need to take 1800mg gabapentin (sometimes I sneak in some more) and a bunch of oxycodone (not mine) to make it through the day. It’s just getting worse and worse man. Physically I’m doing so much better, but time is absolutely not healing my mental symptoms all. 

Can somebody please tell me how they’re keeping up with their lives and responsibilities? Am I just as immature as I think I am? Am I being a pussy? Am I not trying hard enough?

I swear to god, in the beginning, I PROMISED myself I’d push through. I was a warrior. But now I’m tired. I’ve been reduced to nothing. I’m nothing. I’m useless and worthless. I’m supposed to just keep passing the years by? Just keep working a terrible job? So I can not be selfish and keep myself around? For what?

Nobody’s sleep truly “heals”. You just learn how to accept sleeping in no more than 4 hour segments. You have to pretend to accept that you had your humanity forever destroyed. I don’t like that at all. That’s just not me. I don’t like it. And I don’t want to live with it. Truly.

My anxiety is forever going to be unlivable. My depression will forever be untouchable. And I need to learn to accept this. Really? Can somebody please tell me this isn’t the case? 

What am I waking up everyday for? To hide in my bed all day, take an embarrassing amount of meds so that I can be the pity friend and watch a movie with my friends because it’s the only thing I’m capable of because I can’t have proper conversations anymore?

I can’t think. I can’t remember things. I can’t keep up with books or tv shows or movies or what the **** the person directly in front of me is saying to me.

what am I supposed to do man.

Hey now, slow down,  yes it's tough, you are so young, I'm 65 yrs old and my health isn't the best and I'm doing this. It's harder than hard I know, but you will get thru it! Your mindset is the most important thing for u to get together. Our attitude, meaning positive or negative sets the tone. Focusing on the bad instead looking to the future.i hear you, you are depressed, tired of this but you know something,  and I know I'll get in trouble for this but if I didn't have God in my life right now, I don't think I mcpuod do this. I recently realized that what I'm going through is to change me, to make me stronger, to be obedient, I was a hypocrite  Christian, and very unhappy,  sick all the time, etc. Now I'm realizing that there is a blessing in all of this, I will be a better person for having gone thru this, stronger, loving people instead of judging them, so much is changing in me, but I had to except that I was the problem, I was so negative, unhappy, no wonder I was miserable you know? So.listen, you can do this, change your focus, your mind, get off the oxytocin, you don't need those, taper all of it, your young and you can do anything u set your mind to! Focus on the positive, even if you don't feel it, be thankful, grateful that your alive, in a home, have a shower, hot water, food, you get the point. We are so blessed in this nation and we have no idea how bad people have it in other countries,  although thus nation doesn't deserve what it has but that's not the point. 

Please hear me, don't give into the enemy of you're soul, turn around,  love is there, happiness is waiting, light conquers darkness you understand? You are way to young to be talking like this I I pray you will listen over and over to what I'm telking u, go on YouTube,  check out sermons, anxiety and depression help videos, get out of the dark! 

I'll be thinking of you young man, just know that people do care and you're breaking my heart just thinking about your words.

Turn this around! 

Be blessed

[[tr...]]

Hey there, like other people said, I could've written this exact post. Except I'm 34, female, and I've been hearing my biological clock ticking since I was 24 (the year I started taking benzos). This is actually my first post here. Today was an especially rough day.

I started self-medicating with research chemicals because I had severe social anxiety that developed in childhood and got worse from being in an abusive relationship for 10 years. Getting on benzos was probably the best decision I made to be "normal". Finally I was able to get a job, go back to school, interact with people, get my license, and drive a car like a normal person. Going into it I knew what the consequences would be, but I didn't know I would be stuck in it for this long. 

I finally found a psychiatrist that was willing to work with me. I got turned down MANY times because I was seen as a liability for being physically hooked on things they didn't even know existed. Pretty much devastating when you want to get help and no one is willing to help you.
Right now I'm on a regimen of 2.75mg of klonopin a day, which I'm supposed to take morning, noon, and night. The problem is, it takes at least 3mg for me to be able to leave the house and they want to start tapering me more this month.

I've lost countless jobs because of being forced into withdrawals from not being able to get what I needed. At least I have a stable prescription now.

My ultimate worry is that I'll never be able to get off of benzos and thus never be able to carry a pregnancy/have a family.

"My anxiety is forever going to be unlivable." echoes in my head at least a few times a day.

Just wanted to say, you're 1000% not alone in where you are. Like I said, I could've written this exact post.
It's not a problem of "not being strong enough". Our brains are literally struggling to replace the GABA that we've artificially pumped into them for years. Seriously, give yourself a break and some credit for withstanding one of the worst hells a human being can go through. 

I don't want to come off as patronizing with this post so I hope you don't take it that way. I've made some friends online (from friends-of-friends). They live in australia (so they don't question my usually messed up sleep schedule) and we play games on steam sometimes. Having that social outlet helps me immensely and really is the only thing that gets me out of my head besides my cat. Having said that, sometimes I don't even have the energy to sit in front of the computer but those small social connections are worth it at the end of the day.

[[ns...]]

On 01/01/2024 at 17:09, [[p...] said:

it’s 2024. I just watched another year pass me by like nothing. This is disgusting and terrifying. Im a psycho. I’m insane and losing my mind and slipping into a psychosis. I’m going to be 24. My life has gone quite literally nowhere since 18. And now I’ve permanently destroyed my brain and body with a drug I took for 3 months.

i’ve been extremely depressed my entire life so it’s whatever. By 16 I would go months at a time without brushing my teeth, many days without a shower, wouldn’t talk to any friends for weeks and weeks. That’s where my life is now. That’s where I’ve regressed and now I have to learn to live with it?

Now my depression is chemical. It’s an untouchable anhedonia. It’s been a full year now. I’ve been off 10+ months but my brain got destroyed before the taper. And I just have to “take it day by day”? Just smile I guess? Please can somebody tell me how I’m supposed to keep this shit up? I’m supposed to be able to handle this? I’m supposed to learn how to accept this? 

What if you’re not strong? How are you all in relationships? How do you all have lives? How are you all doing this? Where did I miss the memo??? I can’t leave the house unless it’s to go to work and I need to take 1800mg gabapentin (sometimes I sneak in some more) and a bunch of oxycodone (not mine) to make it through the day. It’s just getting worse and worse man. Physically I’m doing so much better, but time is absolutely not healing my mental symptoms all. 

Can somebody please tell me how they’re keeping up with their lives and responsibilities? Am I just as immature as I think I am? Am I being a pussy? Am I not trying hard enough?

I swear to god, in the beginning, I PROMISED myself I’d push through. I was a warrior. But now I’m tired. I’ve been reduced to nothing. I’m nothing. I’m useless and worthless. I’m supposed to just keep passing the years by? Just keep working a terrible job? So I can not be selfish and keep myself around? For what?

Nobody’s sleep truly “heals”. You just learn how to accept sleeping in no more than 4 hour segments. You have to pretend to accept that you had your humanity forever destroyed. I don’t like that at all. That’s just not me. I don’t like it. And I don’t want to live with it. Truly.

My anxiety is forever going to be unlivable. My depression will forever be untouchable. And I need to learn to accept this. Really? Can somebody please tell me this isn’t the case? 

What am I waking up everyday for? To hide in my bed all day, take an embarrassing amount of meds so that I can be the pity friend and watch a movie with my friends because it’s the only thing I’m capable of because I can’t have proper conversations anymore?

I can’t think. I can’t remember things. I can’t keep up with books or tv shows or movies or what the **** the person directly in front of me is saying to me.

what am I supposed to do man.

You know you said physically your doing better, you are healing! Your brain is healing you just don't feel it yet, but that's why your feeling better physically,  your brain is healing. It takes time, I wish I couod say that physically I'm getting better, but not yet. But I know from research abd others who have experienced this who've heaked completely,  their body was first, that means your brain is healing.  Your brain controls your body, remember that. But if continue to taje other drugs how can your brain heal, it needs time and to be clean. That's what it's all about, cleaning our brain, giving a chance to heal. I didn't see that earlier where u said your height physically but I'm glad I saw that now, that gives me hope. Give your brain time, give your incredible brain what it needs ok, no meds, wean off of that stuff, you don't know how incredible the brain is and your physical heing is an example of the brain doing its job, healing the body then the brain itself. When the body is calm the brain is calm but you have to give it what it needs ok.

Stay in the light!

[[Pa...]]

1 hour ago, [[t...] said:

Hey there, like other people said, I could've written this exact post. Except I'm 34, female, and I've been hearing my biological clock ticking since I was 24 (the year I started taking benzos). This is actually my first post here. Today was an especially rough day.

I started self-medicating with research chemicals because I had severe social anxiety that developed in childhood and got worse from being in an abusive relationship for 10 years. Getting on benzos was probably the best decision I made to be "normal". Finally I was able to get a job, go back to school, interact with people, get my license, and drive a car like a normal person. Going into it I knew what the consequences would be, but I didn't know I would be stuck in it for this long. 

I finally found a psychiatrist that was willing to work with me. I got turned down MANY times because I was seen as a liability for being physically hooked on things they didn't even know existed. Pretty much devastating when you want to get help and no one is willing to help you.
Right now I'm on a regimen of 2.75mg of klonopin a day, which I'm supposed to take morning, noon, and night. The problem is, it takes at least 3mg for me to be able to leave the house and they want to start tapering me more this month.

I've lost countless jobs because of being forced into withdrawals from not being able to get what I needed. At least I have a stable prescription now.

My ultimate worry is that I'll never be able to get off of benzos and thus never be able to carry a pregnancy/have a family.

"My anxiety is forever going to be unlivable." echoes in my head at least a few times a day.

Just wanted to say, you're 1000% not alone in where you are. Like I said, I could've written this exact post.
It's not a problem of "not being strong enough". Our brains are literally struggling to replace the GABA that we've artificially pumped into them for years. Seriously, give yourself a break and some credit for withstanding one of the worst hells a human being can go through. 

I don't want to come off as patronizing with this post so I hope you don't take it that way. I've made some friends online (from friends-of-friends). They live in australia (so they don't question my usually messed up sleep schedule) and we play games on steam sometimes. Having that social outlet helps me immensely and really is the only thing that gets me out of my head besides my cat. Having said that, sometimes I don't even have the energy to sit in front of the computer but those small social connections are worth it at the end of the day.

Hello @[tr...], welcome to BenzoBuddies and thank you for sharing your experience.  I’m happy you now have a steady supply from your doctor and I hope you can stabilize soon to meet their taper expectations. What taper rate will they expect, will they let your body and symptoms determine it?

I hope you’ll start a thread of your own so we can help reassure you that you can recover from this, and go on to fulfill your wish to be a mother.

Pamster

[[Go...]]

I feel exactly like what you wrote, except Im 47, and life has passed me by. I dont know if there is any solution to this either.  I am 11.5 months off Klonopin, and I keep hearing "It will get better".  It hasn't.  I wish I could give you some positive pep talk, but in a weird way it's good to know you have the same outlook as me.   21 of Klonopin and 30 years of alcohol.   If you want to chat, send me a DM.  

Edited January 16 by [Go...]

[[Th...]]

If I had $1 for every time I thought I wasn't  improving or that I would be stuck in WD for life, I'd literally be a millionaire.  You could turn a corner at anytime now?  Peace.

[[ch...]]

 

On 01/01/2024 at 20:09, [[p...] said:

I swear to god, in the beginning, I PROMISED myself I’d push through. I was a warrior. But now I’m tired. I’ve been reduced to nothing. I’m nothing. I’m useless and worthless. I’m supposed to just keep passing the years by? Just keep working a terrible job? So I can not be selfish and keep myself around? For what?

Do not mistake yourself; a warrior is not somebody who is perfectly confident and stoic and courageous and strong at all times. It is when we are exhausted and defeated and broken that we truly become warriors, because that is when the fight truly begins. You are not useless or worthless or weak. Quite the opposite.

You asked "For what?". Why should we persist in spite of great suffering? Why should we not give up when things seem too difficult? I often ask myself the same question. I asked it just this morning when I woke up.

We do the hard things precisely because they are hard. We walk upon the narrow path because we know that the broad one leads to destruction. When we are in the midst of great suffering, it is the surest sign that our soul is moving in the right direction.

You've come this far, so come a little further.

“We are the Pilgrims, master; we shall go always a little further;"

 

 

[[wi...]]

@[ch...]what wisdom you have. Rarely do posts speak to me at a deep level. Thank you for sharing. I needed this today. ❤️

[[Ba...]]

On 01/01/2024 at 20:09, [[p...] said:

it’s 2024. I just watched another year pass me by like nothing. This is disgusting and terrifying. Im a psycho. I’m insane and losing my mind and slipping into a psychosis. I’m going to be 24. My life has gone quite literally nowhere since 18. And now I’ve permanently destroyed my brain and body with a drug I took for 3 months.

i’ve been extremely depressed my entire life so it’s whatever. By 16 I would go months at a time without brushing my teeth, many days without a shower, wouldn’t talk to any friends for weeks and weeks. That’s where my life is now. That’s where I’ve regressed and now I have to learn to live with it?

Now my depression is chemical. It’s an untouchable anhedonia. It’s been a full year now. I’ve been off 10+ months but my brain got destroyed before the taper. And I just have to “take it day by day”? Just smile I guess? Please can somebody tell me how I’m supposed to keep this shit up? I’m supposed to be able to handle this? I’m supposed to learn how to accept this? 

What if you’re not strong? How are you all in relationships? How do you all have lives? How are you all doing this? Where did I miss the memo??? I can’t leave the house unless it’s to go to work and I need to take 1800mg gabapentin (sometimes I sneak in some more) and a bunch of oxycodone (not mine) to make it through the day. It’s just getting worse and worse man. Physically I’m doing so much better, but time is absolutely not healing my mental symptoms all. 

Can somebody please tell me how they’re keeping up with their lives and responsibilities? Am I just as immature as I think I am? Am I being a pussy? Am I not trying hard enough?

I swear to god, in the beginning, I PROMISED myself I’d push through. I was a warrior. But now I’m tired. I’ve been reduced to nothing. I’m nothing. I’m useless and worthless. I’m supposed to just keep passing the years by? Just keep working a terrible job? So I can not be selfish and keep myself around? For what?

Nobody’s sleep truly “heals”. You just learn how to accept sleeping in no more than 4 hour segments. You have to pretend to accept that you had your humanity forever destroyed. I don’t like that at all. That’s just not me. I don’t like it. And I don’t want to live with it. Truly.

My anxiety is forever going to be unlivable. My depression will forever be untouchable. And I need to learn to accept this. Really? Can somebody please tell me this isn’t the case? 

I can’t think. I can’t remember things. I can’t keep up with books or tv shows or movies or what the **** the person directly in front of me is saying to me.

what am I supposed to do man.

Hey. Some of us, maybe a lot of us… are where you are. Or have been there. It’s not that you’re just not strong. You are. It’s just that life is like that sometimes. I have the same thoughts on a daily basis. And I’m absolutely terrified to get off of these things again after 15 years (I did once for 8 months) because I’m so worried about what it’ll be like when I do. I just know I hate it how it is right now. So I understand. Our brains can heal, at least to an extent so don’t feel like it’s never going to change or never going to go away; you just can’t know that. And it’s a good thing to just think, okay this is going to get better. Maybe not right this second, but it will. And I can handle that. You know?