I feel so blah and sad this is all just so much

[[he...]]

 

I have so many things going on I don’t know what to do anymore and I honestly think I’m becoming very depressed. I can’t eat much without running to the bathroom. I’m down 25lbs since June and if I felt fine and was doing it intentionally I’d celebrate the loss. 
I’m doing everything I’ve been told so long as it’s not a supplement or med that acts on gaba. I have legit medical issues and then there’s that internal dialogue that keeps telling me death is imminent. I can’t see much of a future anymore and day by day I grow more disconnected. 
 

my husband has been so kind and understanding but I want to be able to give him a family and it seems as though that dream is not going to happen. All providers I’ve spoken to have given me the go-ahead but I’m also afraid I’ll die in the process. 
 

somedays I think that if I just accepted death I’d have an easier time dealing with all this physical and mental pain. 
 

I want my life back, perhaps the life I strived for and never had. I want a family badly not just for my husband but for myself too. The whole point of me getting off the Klonipin was to start a family and I’ve been in an on-and-off spiral since. 
 

I started somatic therapy, and so far it’s been amazing. Especially since talk therapy seems to trigger my disassociation. I’m on probiotics, l lysine, Vit c, and a few herbs are coming in the mail to treat the gut flora imbalance I have. Clomid 5 days a month. 
 

I was started on fertility drugs which I think are tipping me over the edge. I’m starting to think that all the drs are just out to make a quick buck and I’m obsessing on how to cure myself.  
 

I want to have normalcy in my life. 

 

Edited October 8, 2023 by [he...]

[[Ho...]]

Hi @[he...], this is so tough for you! First, feeling like you're going to die is unfortunately very, very common in people who are tapering, and while it's awful, it's completely untrue. Nothing could be further from the truth! You have a full life ahead of you even though it does not feel like that now. 

The one thing that helps the most in healing is time. Simple, pure time. You job is to make it through the time intact. Your goal is to have a family. Since that is your goal, and getting off klonapin is your first step, consider concentrating on you first step and getting past that first. I'm sure you had no idea what you'd be up against when you realized your first step would entail such a difficult withdrawal! 

It's great to hear that somatic therapy is helping you. I've had friends go through the fertility drug thing and that on its own can be really hard on women. Your hormones are so, so powerful, they're bound to throw a wrench in the works. You might want to consider waiting until you've been off for a year before starting hormone therapy. I know the thought is scary but from a practical point of view, it would ensure more success for having a baby and being in good shape when your precious one is born. Things to consider! It's hard to think straight when you're going through withdrawal/recovery. It's a continuum and healing always comes in the end, but when things are bad, the true thing seems like the biggest untruth!

Your baby is going to have two fine parents. 

[[he...]]

@[Ho...] Thank you so much for your kind words. If this cycle does not work I plan to wait until much after the new year. I am 35.5 and my husband is 44 so we are running out of wait time. I figure since I already took the hormones and my first potential IUI is next I may as well see it through and then break for a while to get even better. I highly doubt my first IUI will take, the fertility Doc gave me a 1-4% chance of pregnancy without IVF and IUI is the first step to get it covered. 

I think I am just going through a lot of hard things all at once. You're so right! I definitely was not expecting this coming off of Klonopin. I am very fortunate to have an extremely supportive husband who I am sure is tired of me constantly talking about my health. 

[[...]]

I quit Klon after 3 yrs. 1 year off. The guts  were a problem for almost five months. The death thing comes and goes and now hardly ever and just hours.

Health anxiety is fading fast too.

I heard somatic therapy is good.

Good luck to you.

 

[[Ho...]]

2 hours ago, [[h...] said:

@[Ho...] Thank you so much for your kind words. If this cycle does not work I plan to wait until much after the new year. I am 35.5 and my husband is 44 so we are running out of wait time. I figure since I already took the hormones and my first potential IUI is next I may as well see it through and then break for a while to get even better. I highly doubt my first IUI will take, the fertility Doc gave me a 1-4% chance of pregnancy without IVF and IUI is the first step to get it covered. 

I think I am just going through a lot of hard things all at once. You're so right! I definitely was not expecting this coming off of Klonopin. I am very fortunate to have an extremely supportive husband who I am sure is tired of me constantly talking about my health. 

That makes so much sense, @[he...]! A very sound plan. I know your clock is ticking, but you're still well in the zone. My daughter started her second family at 36 and had her last 18 months later. It's not at all rare for women to bear children in their late thirties and early forties. You'll get there! Yep, your husband sure sounds like a keeper! 

[[he...]]

The issue is I actually have pancreatic insufficiency, something that literally slowly depletes everything if not handles properly. The other day my blood sugar was 42 AFTER eating a banana. I’d love to think it’s just health anxiety but it’s so much more. I’ve been up since 3am wondering what I could do differently to heal myself, where did I go wrong? For years I believed that I was simply mentally ill and there was no cure. Turns out I haven’t been absorbing nutrients for years and I’ve literally been slowly wasting away. Maybe I’m obsessed but I have to be right? How else will I heal myself when it took a solid 10 different doctors to get a diagnosis. 
thank you everyone for your support this forum has truly given me hope. The doctors said I’d be fine to have a baby with no thyroid, a failing pancreas (though my one number has improved), and they even said it’s be fine on klonipin. I just assumed I’d feel this way forever and I needed to have a baby as soon as possible. That’s probably what’s keeping me up knowing that I will be even more depleted while pregnant and that will be the last straw for my body. 
 

I hope to some day write a success story but for now I am back in the trenches. I blamed all of this on benzos and being mentally ill. That’s not the case, perhaps benzos just made me worse. 
 

sorry for the ramble I’m going for my morning walk vs laying in bed silently crying next to my sleeping husband.