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Depression and Insomnia


[re...]

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I have not been ,here for a long, long time. But I feel I need to reconnect due to such severe depression and isolation. This is just a test post to see if this all works as the site has changed, and I need to get use to it again.

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Thank you, Katz!

I'm babysitting my sister's dog and he woke me up at 3:30. Now he's back to sleep but I am not. And i was dreaming, but of what I have no idea.

My depression in combination with the insomnia is the worst it's ever been. Depression is a crippling demon, ready to attack and tell you to find a way to end it all...

Accident? Too afraid of the violence. Overdose? What if it doesn't work?

Being alive feels like a cruel joke and it has been from day 1. And I haunt myself, with memories of my past and how I once was.

Being a philosopher feels like the worst. Is life really meaningless? Is there no direction, no love, no nothing?

I would not be writing any of this had it not been for the dog. Blame it on the dog. Blame the entire universe on the dog. Blame my life on the dog, my pain on the dog, my distrust on the dog. I actually enjoy the little dog. I wish I had it's life, but it went through hell to get here. It is a rescue dog, but now it is so loved, and it loves me. Perhaps, in spite of the little dog waking me up, it's the only one I trust, truly.

 

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I just read the guidelines and want to make sure I'm not breaking any rules. I do hope I'm not.

I need contact. I've been so isolated for so long. It's been terrible. My biggest thrills of the day are often conversations with complete strangers, like employees at various stores. I realize I need to get out there as humans are social creatures, and we need each other. We are all part of each other, being part of this human race, and there are so many different parts. I need kindred spirits as I've been isolated with those that are nothing like me, and I've been deceived and lied to, manipulated and abandoned. So, coming  back here is my attempt to reach out before I go completely under as that is not an option.

I have a need for laughter, and love. I have to get away from all the death that has surrounded me with various relatives and people I know actually dying. It is part of the human condition, death. But to be surrounded with it like I have is too much. I need the land of the living, as I am still alive.

The dog is sleeping. Good for the dog. And now, I shall have that morning java, and enjoy the change of scenery here at my sisters.

I'm a human that must believe, in a better life, and a loving God that does care, regardless of how bleak things appear to be.

I've meditated for some time now, trying to escape suffering, and it helps to keep me in the present, but it does not do it all. I still need faith, hope and love.

 

 

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Hi redwoods,

I'm glad you read the forum guidelines, this topic is a tough one and most of our members will avoid posts mentioning it because they, like the team feel helpless and don't feel qualified to confront it.  I understand what you're feeling though, I felt the same way, its pretty common but thank goodness most of us find our way out of this.

Its good to see you again, its been a long time, I'm glad you thought to reach out to us, we understand what you're going through.  I wonder if reaching out to support others would help, I know you have very little to offer right now but it would be a good way to get that human connection back.  Yes, we're just strangers on the internet but the kindness I see here every day fills me with hope.

What kind of dog are you tending and for how long?

 

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Thanks Pamster!

It's a maltese poodle mix. I watch him until tomorrow evening. It's helped to get me out the door, even just to mall walk with him. Animals are so therapeutic. It's too hot here in California to be outside.

You're right that reaching out to others can help. My problem is my self esteem is so low I feel like I'll start to rate myself according to how others may or may not respond. I'm pretty low these days.

I actually was almost off the diazepam last year, even forgot to take my tiny little amount overnight and didn't even notice it. But then things got really bad with my husband's abusive dying mother. It's a very long, long story.

 

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@[re...],

Any kind of stress can upset an already fragile system and bring on symptoms, even depression.  I'm really glad you are reaching out to others here on the forum. There will be many that can relate to how you feel.

The dog sounds cute, is it a big or little dog? I'm not familiar with maltese poodles. We have a rescue pup and cat.  Although we got them both after my recovery, they are wonderful to have around when you don't feel well. The cat snuggled with me while I was recovering from shoulder surgery.

pianogirl :smitten:

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5 hours ago, [[r...] said:

Thanks Pamster!

It's a maltese poodle mix. I watch him until tomorrow evening. It's helped to get me out the door, even just to mall walk with him. Animals are so therapeutic. It's too hot here in California to be outside.

You're right that reaching out to others can help. My problem is my self esteem is so low I feel like I'll start to rate myself according to how others may or may not respond. I'm pretty low these days.

I actually was almost off the diazepam last year, even forgot to take my tiny little amount overnight and didn't even notice it. But then things got really bad with my husband's abusive dying mother. It's a very long, long story.

I know what you mean about self esteem, mine was in the toilet when I was going through this.  I didn't start a blog and rarely a thread because I feared no one would respond and I'd feel worse.  But what helped me was posting to others, I started welcoming new members and they were so appreciative of my efforts, it gave me confidence.  I didn't really address the questions,(just wanted them to feel seen) I left that for others with more experience or those who were in a better place, but it helped my confidence grow and it gave me a sense of satisfaction we're sorely lacking while feeling this way. 

This new software will display new members by showing a blue bar across the top of their post if you'd like to give it a try. 

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@[re...] I remember you from a couple of years ago. How nice to see you back here.  I'm genuinely sorry for the depression and insomnia you're experiencing.  There's nothing worse (akathisia might be worse).  Thanks for coming back with us.😊

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19 hours ago, [[p...] said:

@[re...],

Any kind of stress can upset an already fragile system and bring on symptoms, even depression.  I'm really glad you are reaching out to others here on the forum. There will be many that can relate to how you feel.

The dog sounds cute, is it a big or little dog? I'm not familiar with maltese poodles. We have a rescue pup and cat.  Although we got them both after my recovery, they are wonderful to have around when you don't feel well. The cat snuggled with me while I was recovering from shoulder surgery.

pianogirl

It's a little dog. I get all kinds of smiles while I walk it in the mall. It's amazing how a little cute pet can bring people together. People think it's a puppy but it's full grown. They ask me if they can pet it, etc. I've never been so popular in the mall. It's a little rescue too. I can't help but put a smile on this sad face when I walk it because others are smiling at me.

 

 

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14 hours ago, [[P...] said:

I know what you mean about self esteem, mine was in the toilet when I was going through this.  I didn't start a blog and rarely a thread because I feared no one would respond and I'd feel worse.  But what helped me was posting to others, I started welcoming new members and they were so appreciative of my efforts, it gave me confidence.  I didn't really address the questions,(just wanted them to feel seen) I left that for others with more experience or those who were in a better place, but it helped my confidence grow and it gave me a sense of satisfaction we're sorely lacking while feeling this way. 

This new software will display new members by showing a blue bar across the top of their post if you'd like to give it a try. 

Thank you!

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7 hours ago, [[G...] said:

@[re...] I remember you from a couple of years ago. How nice to see you back here.  I'm genuinely sorry for the depression and insomnia you're experiencing.  There's nothing worse (akathisia might be worse).  Thanks for coming back with us.😊

I remember you too! Thank you!

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Hi Red, thinking of you, so very sorry about all you have been going through. I pray that you can get some good sleep and the depression lessens. Both are really hard on our body, but the one thing I know about you....you are a Survivor and always have been. Hang in there. I could tell that the dog has given you much joy, they seem to know how to heal our hurts. Stay Strong.

💖Peace and Healing.

 

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In the beginning of my withdrawal i had deep depression which would haunt me in my dreams. But when I woke up i was completly numb, very strange. I dont feel like I can help or offer advice, other than say it will pass and I hope you get better sooner than later. All the best to you.

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On 23/08/2023 at 14:13, [[b...] said:

Hi Red, thinking of you, so very sorry about all you have been going through. I pray that you can get some good sleep and the depression lessens. Both are really hard on our body, but the one thing I know about you....you are a Survivor and always have been. Hang in there. I could tell that the dog has given you much joy, they seem to know how to heal our hurts. Stay Strong.

💖Peace and Healing.

 

Thank you Begood!

This is now the third day of heavy crying. I don't know what's happening to me. I so much appreciate you. Thank you!

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On 24/08/2023 at 01:19, [[L...] said:

In the beginning of my withdrawal i had deep depression which would haunt me in my dreams. But when I woke up i was completly numb, very strange. I dont feel like I can help or offer advice, other than say it will pass and I hope you get better sooner than later. All the best to you.

Thank you for your presence. I think just sharing in our depression helps. Thank you!

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I very much need to write. I really don't understand what is all happening and why I'm so exceedingly depressed. I will write just a little later.

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Yesterday I started crying in the car listening to the "Top Gun" love theme from that movie starring Tom Cruise. I started thinking about what it felt like to lose myself in someone's arms. I was truly a love addict. It was a high to make love and be the best lover. And it was a message sent to me as a child in all the seventies songs I grew up with, telling me the ultimate goal in life was to find someone to love. I couldn't believe how emotional I felt when I heard that song.

Today I started crying as I was filling up my tires at Les Schwab tire store. The man was so polite and kind, young and good looking. I thought about his life and wondered about his future. I wondered what kind of future he would have in a greedy world that wants to replace people like him with artificial intelligence (A.I.)

I often think about our world and it plummets me into such dark thoughts.

The day before yesterday I started crying thinking about my young grandson's and what will the world hold for them. Mason has already suffered with serious depression. Jayden just learned how to drive and has his whole future ahead. Jayden is fortunate enough to get a thrill out of sports where Mason is much more analytical and like me...

Me...

Depression has always been with me.

I remember vividly as a child getting so depressed over my guppies dying. I got a little match box and buried them. I must have been about 5. As s 12 year old my mother would get angry at me for crying in bed all the time. She attempted to forbid me from listening to "Sunrise Sunset" from the movie Fiddler on the Roof. My mother would take me by the arm, drive out to the country and order me to walk. And walk I did. And it did help. Nature and fresh air have always been my refuge.

 

 

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6 hours ago, [[r...] said:

Yesterday I started crying in the car listening to the "Top Gun" love theme from that movie starring Tom Cruise. I started thinking about what it felt like to lose myself in someone's arms. I was truly a love addict. It was a high to make love and be the best lover. And it was a message sent to me as a child in all the seventies songs I grew up with, telling me the ultimate goal in life was to find someone to love. I couldn't believe how emotional I felt when I heard that song.

Today I started crying as I was filling up my tires at Les Schwab tire store. The man was so polite and kind, young and good looking. I thought about his life and wondered about his future. I wondered what kind of future he would have in a greedy world that wants to replace people like him with artificial intelligence (A.I.)

I often think about our world and it plummets me into such dark thoughts.

The day before yesterday I started crying thinking about my young grandson's and what will the world hold for them. Mason has already suffered with serious depression. Jayden just learned how to drive and has his whole future ahead. Jayden is fortunate enough to get a thrill out of sports where Mason is much more analytical and like me...

Me...

Depression has always been with me.

I remember vividly as a child getting so depressed over my guppies dying. I got a little match box and buried them. I must have been about 5. As s 12 year old my mother would get angry at me for crying in bed all the time. She attempted to forbid me from listening to "Sunrise Sunset" from the movie Fiddler on the Roof. My mother would take me by the arm, drive out to the country and order me to walk. And walk I did. And it did help. Nature and fresh air have always been my refuge.

What has helped me was time, niacin and large amount of fish oil. But some people cant tolerate suppliments. I believe you will recover in time, keep going and one day at the time. Although easier said than done, its seams more managable to break a longer period down into days. Have a decent weekend.

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Thanks for your thoughts, Lemon!

I'm thinking I should try a blog. I've done this already, but I need a fresh start.

My depression is like a wicked demon that seems to increase as I age and get older. And, being around so much death with two people I know right now actively dying does not help. The reality of life, the fact we all die is hard for me to bear. It seems as though it's always been that way, even as a small child with the death a burial of my guppies when I was around five years of age.  I don't seem to do very well with the facts of life.

When I was younger, I could ignore much of this, and just party myself into oblivion, live in my bipolar head, be extremely creative and live in the moment forever. But eventually, all those "moments" catch up to you, and you find yourself facing the inevitable. Life is temporary, everything is changing, nothing lasts forever. At least, that is what it appears to be from a philosophical viewpoint. Throw in religion and it's a completely different perspective.

 

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That sounds like a good idea with a blog. What is your inner voice like? What are you telling yourself? A change in thoughts will change your reality. Sometimes its hard to be all positive, another method is to change certain thoughts to a more neutral inner voice. Earlier in my life i told myself: im afraid to die. Because I had a fear of dying. I changed that to a more neutral thing like: maybe it will be okay? And when your inner voice/thoughts starts to change, your reality change. I used to suffer from childhood skizophrenia, i had psychotic bizare voices at the age of 7 until i turnered 25 and recovered. There is hope, you have to find it, its out there. Have a great weekend, i wish you all the best.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Stay strong , we are all here for a reason. I don't have depression in my life, but insomnia is a frequent guest in my home. For the last couple of days i couldn't sleep cause i had to look for writing tips and useful reviews and i found them here https://viawriting.com/. It was very stressful thing for me, also because the deadline in our college are usually very strict.

Edited by [el...]
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I, too, have been very depressed for a good part of my life. A few weeks ago, it got really bad. Mine gets worse at this time of year as the days shorten. I always forget that, and then when I remember it, it explains why the sudden onslaught of very deep depression. I force myself to get up and do stuff, and I check it off a list. That does helps. 

Moving my body is essential even if I have to literally talk myself into doing so.

You are not alone if knowing that help. 

My husband and my cats are my comfort, but because I am old I fear losing my husband. Sometimes I am rather obsessive about that.

I am 2 1/2 months into my taper, and sometimes I wish I could just pop a pill to give me the "high" Xanax gave me.

 

 

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On 19/08/2023 at 12:31, [[r...] said:

Thank you, Katz!

I'm babysitting my sister's dog and he woke me up at 3:30. Now he's back to sleep but I am not. And i was dreaming, but of what I have no idea.

My depression in combination with the insomnia is the worst it's ever been. Depression is a crippling demon, ready to attack and tell you to find a way to end it all...

Accident? Too afraid of the violence. Overdose? What if it doesn't work?

Being alive feels like a cruel joke and it has been from day 1. And I haunt myself, with memories of my past and how I once was.

Being a philosopher feels like the worst. Is life really meaningless? Is there no direction, no love, no nothing?

I would not be writing any of this had it not been for the dog. Blame it on the dog. Blame the entire universe on the dog. Blame my life on the dog, my pain on the dog, my distrust on the dog. I actually enjoy the little dog. I wish I had it's life, but it went through hell to get here. It is a rescue dog, but now it is so loved, and it loves me. Perhaps, in spite of the little dog waking me up, it's the only one I trust, truly.

Redwoods I with you with what your feeling but I try and find something to focus on i.e nature walking just being in the moment I don't always achieve this I don't walk far since a bad accident which did alot of physical damage. I'm scared of coming off clonazapam but I want to feel again I'm numb all the time I've isolated myself I want the extrovert caring person I was back 

Luck after yourselves be gentle on your selves society pressurises you to be a certain way. But the best is just being you don't care what society thinks sry I've rambled abit namaste to you all🙏

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