Almost 15 months out. Wave? Don't even know anymore.

[[bl...]]

I'm typing this in tears because I was doing so much better. I feel so defeated and so scared. The fear is absolutely paralyzing.

 

I have it in my head that nothing will ever be okay again, that this isn't withdrawal, that there's something massive going on and this is my reality now. My mornings are absolutely cruel and brutal again - waking up terrified and having strong, strong waves of fear that electrify my body and leave me out of breath.

 

I was doing SO MUCH BETTER. Working full time, starting school in the fall. I am 15 months out from 10-15+ year usage as prescribed. Was also on other meds the whole time because I foolishly listened to my doctors that something was actually wrong with me. NEVER AGAIN.

 

I am on Cymbalta and Trileptal. I thought they were helping. Been on since November with some ups and downs but I was SO GOOD from February-today.

 

What is happening? Did the meds stop working? Am I doomed forever? Is this a wave? Is it hormones? I am in HELL and I want answers. I'm just sobbing and feeling like a little child. Terrified and helpless and wanting someone to just make this go away. I am so scared. You have no idea.

 

The ONLY thing I can think of that happened recently was:

Saturday night (3 nights ago) I went to a concert. Walked around all day, sweating in the heat, 20,000 steps, didn't get to bed until 2am and woke up at 8am. Similar sleep Sunday night as well - didn't sleep well. Monday morning (yesterday) I felt like shit but today is just the worst. Did this trigger a wave? I am also having health scares (sodium is low from Trileptal) so I might need to come off. Also thinking about school. Can this send me into a wave?

 

If there is anyone who has been through similar and recovered, or ANYONE who can give hope, can you please message me? I need it so badly right now.

[[Pa...]]

It sounds like you’ve found the reasons for your setback and this is a setback but they’re temporary.  Unfortunately, we don’t know how long it will last but you’re not back at square one even though your mind is telling you, you are. 

 

The worst thing you can do right now is catastrophize this situation even though ever fiber in your being is screaming this is the end, its not but only you can calm yourself down. 

 

I consider stress to be the number one contributor to increased symptom severity, school and your health issues could be playing a part in how you’re feeling.  I know so much of this is out of your control but finding a way to simplify your life and embrace calm will help you right now. I’m sorry, I know I’m probably telling you what you already know, we just don’t have any better way to manage this.