Hi Buddies! 17 months free...

[[ja...]]

Hi Buddies....  I'm  17 months free today.

 

I'm definitely seeing progress, but feel like I've been in an almost constant wave since 10 months.  After 10 years of oxazepam use, I was given a second benzo, clonazepam,  (probably to dampen tolerance withdrawal symptoms to the first).    I'm 70 this year so I'm no spring chicken.  I was sure I'd be farther along on my healing journey by now.  Aggg.

 

Here is what is better.  I'm sleeping more.  At least 3 times a month I can have zero sleep, but I nearly always get 2 hours a night no matter what.  I usually awake every hour, but can get back to sleep getting 4 to 6 hours/night.  Last night was heaven.  8+ hours of restorative sleep, with vivid dreams..... awake each hour , but refreshed this morning nonetheless.  It lovely when that happens.... just lovely.

 

Light sensitivity is down, and I'm way stronger now to visit, and I can have several conversations in a day.  Without being exhausted.  My physical stamina is more constant, as well.  I'm still getting muscle tension with exercise,  but I'm able to relax quicker.  This is still waxing and waning.

I'm still having occasional internal vibrating but it can get full throttle... one night recently I felt like I was lying on a vibrating bed...  most of the time it's almost pleasant... low key... feeling the energy in my body.

 

Dizziness is gone!  No more vertigo events... although I'm still boaty a lot of the time.  Suicidal thinking is completely gone... and has been since the bottom end of my taper.  I still get dissociation and depression, but it doesn't control me.  I would say I'm dissociated (out of focus) about half the time.  Which is great.    My feelings are reappearing.  I can cry again.  Get mad.  Laugh...

 

I sense that my nervous system is still overreacting.  To sound and movement..... to stress.    My immune system is still super sensitive.  I react to so many things.... dairy, gluten..... cedar dust.  Hay in the barn.  I get burning sinuses and runny nose.... lots of throat clearing.  And brain stuff... pressure and flashing light, almost like a painless migraine.    Any stress even excitement  can tip me over into fight or flight.....    Again, this is happening in waves.

 

I'm not holding my breath as much.  It's rare now that I notice my breathing isn't right.  Funny that it only happens at the kitchen sink.

 

I am expecting to be all better by 24 months.... and seriously expect to see a lot of progress this next month!!!  That why it's so important for me to hear from others who are entering the 'protractive' stage.  Just to hear that others are taking longer to heal, calms me down.

 

I'm well enough now to be considering taking on building another home.  I have enough faith in my function now to go ahead.  Up until last week, I couldn't have said this.    I know this one will be my last, and I'm prepared to take it slow as I need to.  I'm prepared to ask for help too.

 

In this last several months, I've become fierce about protecting my space... I'm learning more and more about self care, self love.  All the skills that come easier when there's no pill to cancel the pain of bad decisions and overwhelm. 

Much love to you buddies.... each and every one of you. 

 

 

[[ka...]]

like we say, just keep hanging on

[[Pa...]]

This is good news janiceh, although I wish you were fully recovered, this is the next best.  I'm so glad you've been protecting your space, I believe as you that your family stress was having an impact on your recovery.  You shouldn't feel bad about that either, we have to put on our own oxygen mask before we can render aid to another. 

 

I look forward to more updates, love it when the good stuff starts peaking through.