12 weeks off today -- encouraging words and support please

[[Re...]]

Hi Everyone,

 

I am 12 weeks off of 1.5 mg Ativan today, which I took as prescribed for two years. Before being prescribed Ativan, I took some Xanax as prescribed here and there. A 30-day supply would last me months, so I do not know how many I took at the time or for how long. I had zero issues or withdrawal stopping the Xanax. Anyway...the past...is difficult at the moment to accept. It feels like I am living someone else's life and grappling with regret and flashbacks, which I am sure is my mind from getting off the medication. Not the real me.

 

Perhaps soon, I will celebrate these timelines and feel glad to be off the medication. Tonight I feel like I traded one set of terrible acute intermittent withdrawal symptoms for other symptoms that seem far worse. I am "having a moment" where I feel like I am slogging through another Groundhog Day or Groundhog week, ready for a Groundhog weekend. Ready for change. Ready to be back to myself again. 

 

Your success stories remind me of the power of God, time, and the body to heal, and I am open to things shifting tomorrow, which is entirely possible for anyone in this situation. AND...

 

Stopping the Ativan completely disabled me for the last 84 days, landed me in the ER four times, and hospitalized for six days. I was in acute intermittent withdrawal for two-plus months before stopping. I have been in bed most days since the end of June. I was a highly functional person before this experience.

 

I am looking forward to the future and to functioning consistently again. Today I went to the market, and it was overwhelming. But I did it. I am checking all of the healthy self-supportive boxes that I can. I have been doing much work to improve, and the list of self-supportive actions is long. I am reading the Bible, praying, making gratitude lists, listening to healing meditations morning and night, working with my mindset, reading books about pain science, reading affirmative statements, deep breathing, taking lavender baths, walking outside, going to PT, sharing honestly with my medical team and friends, eating nutrient-rich foods, drinking plenty of water, sleeping about 7ish hours a night.

 

AND...Tonight I feel challenged by fear of the future - a human response to an experience like this. My doctors and friends have been encouraging me and seeing progress. My doctors tell me over, and over that I will make a full recovery. My symptoms have been reduced by about 50 percent, but objects in the mirror are still closer than they appear, and I am still living through them. Nobody can tell me when this will end. I feel detached from my own body, and I miss myself. I miss my old problems.

 

I currently feel extremely fatigued and depressed as I have never known before due to my physical health. I have been experiencing PTSD from this whole experience of life unraveling and feeling like I fell down a mind-bending black hole. I haven't surrendered fear about the future, which would make this experience better. I am not concerned I have a disease -- everything is normal after multiple tests, so thank goodness for that. It is all benzo withdrawal.

 

So why be alone with these feelings?

 

I am reaching out for support, encouraging words, and stories from others who have them to share—much love to all of you.

[[Pa...]]

I see such misery in your story but I also see hope and resilience, you're finding your way through and out of this and you're doing everything right.  Doing your best to keep a positive mindset in the face of such devastation is admirable, I can see success in your future.

 

Your medical team and support group sound like a good influence in your life, believe them because you can recover from this and the slow steps you're taking in that direction are proof.

[[St...]]

Hi Rebecca,

 

You seem very strong and I really admire you.  One thing I learned from your post is to accentuate the positive and I plan on trying that beginning today.

 

Thank you.

 

Rae

[[Ho...]]

Hi Rebecca,

 

I'm just about where you are. I was never in bed though, and not because I didn't want to be! I'm in this mess because I have intractable RLS, which is a medicine-resistant form of restless leg syndrome. And I got that from stopping an SSRI too suddenly. I'm now taking low-dose opioids, because nothing else worked, including, of course, Clonazepam.

 

It sounds as if you have a good group of physicians overseeing your recovery. That's a rare and wonderful thing. God gave you a tremendous gift in providing them; not many here can say the same. Most of us get dismissed or ignored when we point to benzodiazepines, and many are misdiagnosed with a plethora of illnesses, from MS to psychotic breaks to hormones.

 

You're getting there! This is one of those recoveries that can't be rushed but can be encouraged. You're doing all the right things and then some. You'll be posting in the success stories and when you do, you'll encourage many coming after you. I just listened to a podcast on YouTube about a man named Tim, who used to work in the national security arena. He became dependent on benzodiazepines after just a couple of days and became a shadow of himself. This former runner, athlete and accomplished man couldn't leave his house. He went to dozens of doctors and specialists. At one clinic he visited, after his consultation he could hear doctors outside the door mocking him and joking about his hypochondria. Yet three years later he was better than ever, and even told his interviewer that he was glad for what had happened to him, weirdly! He's working, he's running, he's happier than he was before it all began.

 

It's hard to believe you'll ever be yourself again. And it's so hard to believe that just a few month's use would take away your life so completely. So stories like Tim's are huge for me, because, like you, I'm baffled and shocked at what's happened. You put in your nickel and out comes a hornet's nest. It's so out of balance! And no one's even studying this! I was so glad to read that you're trusting God in all of your ordeal. Like the woman who said, "If I can only touch his garment I'll be well," you will be well. That day is coming, and with it, a full life. You won't be here forever. I'll say it again; there's a whole new life ahead, and you'll be happy again in it.

 

 

 

[[Re...]]

Thank you all for your kind words. I have a friend who got off benzos and other substances simultaneously. He went through hell, has been off of everything for decades, and is now thriving. He said the process is working just fine, that I am just fine -- not as fine as I will be YET. Not the end of the world, although it feels like it sometimes. To give myself a break and that I am not punting on the 12-yard line. Keep doing what I am doing and let my brain and body fix and detox themselves. They will; they are. That this experience will swing back and forth for a while; let it. Realize what it is and that I am already having some good moments. The ratio has been improving. Feelings are just feelings, not facts. Thank goodness for other people lifting us in our difficult moments -- we are not meant to do this life alone by any means. Thank goodness we have each other and access to WiFi!