Not going to make it

[[...]]

Another crap night of sleep! I am sick of this. Every muscle in my body hurts. This chemical anxiety will not let up. This is no life to live. The only thing that keeps me going is love for my kids. I feel like I am dying the death of a thousand paper cuts. I keep telling myself just one more month and itll be better but it never is. I've been doing this for over 10 months with no window at all. The only progress I have made is that I no longer have akithisia or dp/dr. I am just one of the unlucky few that gets nailed hard from short term use. Maybe it would be best to just go back on the poison and at least get a couple of good years. Because I dont think I am going to heal. If this keeps up my family is going to have me put in a mental hospital and we all know what they do in there. More drugs to help fix you up. Well I have all those same drugs at home and can take them without being locked up. Right now I am very scared and there is absolutely no one that can help me.

 

Rant over

[[...]]

I don't recommend that, but have been using low dose quetiapine ( seroquel ) for years to sleep, and always worked fine. Never had any side effect.

 

Seems to be stronger since I gave up Valium. At least I only have minor sleeping problems.

 

But if you don't want anything, I understand, and wish you to succeed !

[[he...]]

Another crap night of sleep! I am sick of this. Every muscle in my body hurts. This chemical anxiety will not let up. This is no life to live. The only thing that keeps me going is love for my kids. I feel like I am dying the death of a thousand paper cuts. I keep telling myself just one more month and itll be better but it never is. I've been doing this for over 10 months with no window at all. The only progress I have made is that I no longer have akithisia or dp/dr. I am just one of the unlucky few that gets nailed hard from short term use. Maybe it would be best to just go back on the poison and at least get a couple of good years. Because I dont think I am going to heal. If this keeps up my family is going to have me put in a mental hospital and we all know what they do in there. More drugs to help fix you up. Well I have all those same drugs at home and can take them without being locked up. Right now I am very scared and there is absolutely no one that can help me.

 

Rant over

I am going through a horrible wave too, feels so hopeless, miss being me and having a good time with kid... 2 or 3hr nights again a nd loads of hypnic stuff... please dont take benzos, they dont even work on us, you will just get interdose withdrawal and feel worse...

[[he...]]

X-ray- I’ve been where you are and empathize with you. Sleep deprivation is so scary. I was up 8 straight days in rehab and thought I was going to die. I remember nights around 10-12 months just rocking in my bed wanting so bad to just cry but my brain could not produce any outward emotion,  just energy and panic flowing through my body with nowhere to go. I honestly don’t know HOW I got through it, but I did and you will too. At one point I gave up on sleeping and just started trying to enjoy the sun coming up after a restless night. I couldn’t watch movies, couldn’t read, so I listened to music from the 90’s (when I was young and healthy) and colored in adult coloring books. I colored several pages a night, detailed and heavy with art pencils. Those silly coloring books probably saved my life and I will treasure them forever. I drug them around with me everywhere I went. I ordered a huge set of PrismaColors and a carrying case and a stack of coloring books. I also journaled about my fears. I can tell you I was living from moment to moment in those days, breath to breath and one heartbeat after another, now I’m not anymore. You can get through this - you’ve just got find an outlet. 

Are you ok now? When did it get better... today is my 12 months off and just got terrible insomnia wave again back to 2 or 3 hrs a night even broken

[[...]]

Im so sorry to hear that heyilona,

We dont deserve this. I guess we are the unfortunate few that get hit hard from short term use. I am so close to throwing in the towel and trying to reinstate. I was able to cobble together about 4 hours last night and was woken up having hypnic jerks in my legs, arms, and neck. It was horrible. I've been suffering for over 10 months from just being on the pills for 2 months. I haven't really had any windows just days where its less painful. I am better though. I no longer have akithisisa or dp/dr. I used to be so hopeful even when I was worse. I think part of the problem is that i have lost hope. Even my family no longer listens to me. This is the only place I can come to be heard.

[[Pa...]]

Im so sorry to hear that heyilona,

We dont deserve this. I guess we are the unfortunate few that get hit hard from short term use. I am so close to throwing in the towel and trying to reinstate. I was able to cobble together about 4 hours last night and was woken up having hypnic jerks in my legs, arms, and neck. It was horrible. I've been suffering for over 10 months from just being on the pills for 2 months. I haven't really had any windows just days where its less painful. I am better though. I no longer have akithisisa or dp/dr. I used to be so hopeful even when I was worse. I think part of the problem is that i have lost hope. Even my family no longer listens to me. This is the only place I can come to be heard.

 

Please, please read these words over and over, I hate to see you even hint at going back to the drug that is causing you so much pain. 

[[...]]

Thanks for the encouragment Pam but it even when I look back to see the improvements it doesnt haelp the fact that I am not healed and Im tired of fighting. I have not had one single moment in over 10 months that has been nice. Every minute of every day is a struggle. I am probably not going to reinstate. That is being saved as a last resort. I'm tired of praying for God to bring me home. I want to have a moment where I can thank him for my life. I seemed to have plateaued in my healing and I am afraid that this may be as good as it gets and it is not good enough for me. I cant enjoy anything in life right now even though I try.

[[Ja...]]

Xray,

 

What active steps are you taking in your recovery? Are you exercising?

[[...]]

Yes I am exercising. All I can really do is walk but I go for about an hour a day. I also have managed to keep my job for the time being. I was attending AA for a while but that wasn't really helping. I just feel like I have an IV pumping red bull into me. I can rarely ever sleep. My brain is still on overdrive. Im not sure what else I can do. Every day I go without sleeping just makes activities that much harder.

[[Ja...]]

Hi X-ray,

 

I’m shocked and scared of how powerful these benzos are even at the smallest dose.  The stories I read are shocking.

 

I hope you start feeling better soon.  Have you tried 5mg of melatonin?

[[...]]

Hi jacky bo,

yes I have tried everything except for things that act gaba. Its also amazing to me how powerful these things are. Other websites tell me that I am being ridiculous because of such a low dose and short time. It makes me so angry when In see people abuse it and get off with hardly any symptoms while I was taking an innocent medicine and am getting nailed.

[[Ja...]]

Xray

 

I’m sorry but I’m still shocked.  I also have family members abusing it like nothing and have no problems stopping at least that I’m aware of.

 

Have you tried Benadryl in conjunction with melatonin?  I’m still dumbfounded by this benzo.  I will forever be terrified of benzos and

 

Muscle relaxants and most antibiotics.  I’m kind of scared of Benadryl and I take that with melatonin for sleep but only 3 times a week.

[[...]]

Yes I have tried benadryl with melatonin. I have tried everything. Benadryl will work for one or 2 nights and then it wont work again for a couple weeks. it only gets me maybe 4 hours of very light sleep though. I have tried almost everything a doctor can prescribe over the last 10+ months and nothing works for more than a night or 2. The only things I havent tried are gaba drugs but i am about ready to try them. I am not made of the strength needed to go on for months and months of this. I have great respect for those that go without sleep for 18 months or 2 years. I can't do it. I am almost at the point of reinstating and hoping for the best.

[[Ja...]]

Xray,

 

I’m praying and hoping you never reinstate.  Nothing is working to help you sleep because of the benzo.  I also go 3 days out of the week without

 

any sleep and I know we all need sleep to function.  Reinstating will cause so many more problems that we can’t afford because this pill is so

 

hard to get off of.

 

I hope someone stops by and has better advice and suggestions.

 

I hope you get some sleep and stay the course.❤️‍🩹

[[Be...]]

There was a bb on here named Chessplayer who closed his acct., but he did reinstate and then did a very slow taper and when he got off he said that he felt fine. 

[[Ja...]]

There was a bb on here named Chessplayer who closed his acct., but he did reinstate and then do a very slow taper and when he got off he said that he felt fine then.

 

Hi Becksblue,

 

Thank you for stopping by and giving advice because you know more about all this.

 

That’s good news that he was able to reinstate then taper and was fine, wow.

 

👍♥️

[[Be...]]

I just want to let people know that anyone who tells everyone on here to never reinstate is giving dangerous advice. 

[[Ja...]]

I just want to let people know that anyone who tells everyone on here to never reinstate is giving dangerous advice.

 

Well that’s good that you told me because I thought reinstating was the worst thing but now I know and I’m sorry.

 

What about my other post, I have to erase them.

 

Thanks 🙏

[[Be...]]

Jacky bo, don't delete or erase anything.  You have your opinions.  I know what I've read about reinstating and doing a slow taper and it's not always a bad thing.  I know what I read when he reinstated and then did a microtaper.  He felt great after he got off and went on with his life after he closed his acct. on here. 

[[Ja...]]

Ok Becks,

 

I couldn’t find the post I put but I’ll know for the next time that reinstating works for some and could be successful.

 

Ty Becks 👍🙏

[[Be...]]

yes, Jacky Boo, reinstating and then doing a slow taper does work for some people.  Do your research and even check out reinstating and doing a slow taper on other benzo forums and not just this one.  Reddit has benzo forums. 

[[...]]

Yes I read chessplayers posts before he closed his account. There are many who reinstated successfully. Timmyp, blaggybum, allen, and birdman come to mind. From reading their posts it seems the trick is to reinstate at a fairly high dose and then hope you stabilize before you hit tolerance. But there are also many that it went way bad. I think it is a last resort when you are in such misery that you have no other options. Thanks for stopping in becks.

[[Be...]]

Just trying to help.

[[...]]

Made it another day! Thats about all I can say about that. Still hoping that healing comes soon. My son has a football game tomorrow and I hope I'll be able to make it. Thats the crappiest part of this whole process. I am missing out on so much of my kids lives because of this. They grow up fast and if I cant get to point that I am at least able to function moderately then i will miss all of these important events. My 2 daughters are getting excited about the homecoming dance and here I am to sick to participate. I hate this crap. its making me so sad.

[[Be...]]

Sorry Xray that you're not feeling alright.  I'm sure that you'll feel better soon.