Real Life Experiences or Events that Helped Encourage You During Benzo Use

May 30, 2021

This thread is intended for ANYONE to share their real life spiritual experiences... relating to ANY faith, belief, philosophical view, scientific perspective or any other type of perspective at all. These experiences (whether natural, physical, or spiritual, or any other realm) should be good ones that "rescued or saved the day" when you were really down and out... like on some of your worst days ever using benzos or getting off benzos. This topic is ALL INCLUSIVE. It is not intended to emphasize any particular view on all of the mentioned categories or others not mentioned. These real life experiences are ones that surprised you or caught you off guard... that made you feel better on a really bad day or week, or year, etc. They are "rare events" that we all sometimes experience in life (on benzos) that help us tremendously on the deepest level. These events are so special... they are rarely forgotten and sometimes even life changing and not just temporary. Things that we experience that give us relief mentally, physically, or spiritually that are the most notable ones on this journey. Things that even might mark a "crossroads" for the better during this journey. In other words... ones that were so amazing, that they made the entire rest of the journey up to now... more bearable. They can be simply natural events that are logical and make perfect sense, or they can be spiritual... which more often than not... might be considered a "miracle." These are events that have had a lasting impact on you in a positive way on this journey. As long as it is positive and inclusive and REAL and not "made up" then I hope you will be so kind as to share it here.

I got the idea for this thread because of a real life spiritual experience that I had just today. I believe in (a) God and over the years God has spoken to me in different ways to help me on this journey. When I say "spoken"... I'm not talking about an audible voice. I'm talking about little signs and wonders like using numbers or colors... etc... that God uses to tell me things and give me reassurance when I need it the most. For example... I can't explain it, but God sometimes uses the number 17 to give me assurance and hope and strength and encouragement when all my strength and hope is nearly gone... or seems like it is completely gone. Between me and God, the number 17 is God telling me "atta boy." Might not sound like a big deal... but it happens when I have no hope and even doubt that God is there for me watching over me and helping me through this. This might sound like nonsense to some... but all I can say to that is that it is real to me... and I'm not lying.

I've been sick from meds for 12 years and counting. Today was a really bad one when I woke up. l was extremely sick and weak and depressed among many other things. I stayed the night at my parent's house and had plans this morning to attempt to wax my old sick dad's car for him because he has a bad heart valve... and I grieve I might lose him soon. I forced myself to start waxing it around 8 am. I got half way through and I felt so sick and weak and depressed and suffering... that I almost gave up. I was feeling discouraged spiritually, too. Like God where are you... wondering if God would ever "speak" to me or encourage me ever again it had been so long. Remember the number 17.

OK... so half way... my Dad walks into the garage... and out of the blue tells me, "Yesterday, I took my car to Toyota to get serviced... and was looking at the old paperwork I got when I bought the car... and it said I bought it on July 17, 2017." By the way, my Dad NEVER tells me trivial stuff like that. Immediately my heart was touched and strengthened just enough to finish waxing his car. Deep down I KNEW that was God telling me "atta boy" for working on my Dad's car while very weak and sick. I was already fully convinced that was God encouraging me.

After I finished waxing the car... I went into the house to tell him I was done. He was sitting on the couch. He just looked at me and said, "I am going to go to a dermatologist to get the spots on my scalp checked out." Again... I began to wonder... why is he telling me this ? He said, "My appointment is on June 17th !! Wow. Even though I knew it was God the first time... I was touched even more deeply the second time and both times happened within just a few hours. I know many of us don't have anyone in our lives to comfort us or love us in a real and deep way due to our condition or the lack of understanding from others... but I felt loved today and no one in the natural realm helped me feel loved. It came from a spiritual event in my life that happened today that no one else will ever understand or even believe... just like others are with us... and our benzo sufferings. Thank you for taking the time to read about my personal experience that I had with the God I believe in... that I believe will have a lasting impact on me from this day forth.

I wish everyone here the best... and have a deep desire to hear of the experiences of others (of any kind that are positive and help) because I rarely read real life experiences of people here where it really impacted them in a lasting way. It brings me hope and joy to see others impacted by such things.

Kindly,

j

May 30, 2021

J, interesting.

May 30, 2021

This thread is intended for ANYONE to share their real life spiritual experiences... relating to ANY faith, belief, philosophical view, scientific perspective or any other type of perspective at all. These experiences (whether natural, physical, or spiritual, or any other realm) should be good ones that "rescued or saved the day" when you were really down and out... like on some of your worst days ever using benzos or getting off benzos. This topic is ALL INCLUSIVE. It is not intended to emphasize any particular view on all of the mentioned categories or others not mentioned. These real life experiences are ones that surprised you or caught you off guard... that made you feel better on a really bad day or week, or year, etc. They are "rare events" that we all sometimes experience in life (on benzos) that help us tremendously on the deepest level. These events are so special... they are rarely forgotten and sometimes even life changing and not just temporary. Things that we experience that give us relief mentally, physically, or spiritually that are the most notable ones on this journey. Things that even might mark a "crossroads" for the better during this journey. In other words... ones that were so amazing, that they made the entire rest of the journey up to now... more bearable. They can be simply natural events that are logical and make perfect sense, or they can be spiritual... which more often than not... might be considered a "miracle." These are events that have had a lasting impact on you in a positive way on this journey. As long as it is positive and inclusive and REAL and not "made up" then I hope you will be so kind as to share it here.

I got the idea for this thread because of a real life spiritual experience that I had just today. I believe in (a) God and over the years God has spoken to me in different ways to help me on this journey. When I say "spoken"... I'm not talking about an audible voice. I'm talking about little signs and wonders like using numbers or colors... etc... that God uses to tell me things and give me reassurance when I need it the most. For example... I can't explain it, but God sometimes uses the number 17 to give me assurance and hope and strength and encouragement when all my strength and hope is nearly gone... or seems like it is completely gone. Between me and God, the number 17 is God telling me "atta boy." Might not sound like a big deal... but it happens when I have no hope and even doubt that God is there for me watching over me and helping me through this. This might sound like nonsense to some... but all I can say to that is that it is real to me... and I'm not lying.

I've been sick from meds for 12 years and counting. Today was a really bad one when I woke up. l was extremely sick and weak and depressed among many other things. I stayed the night at my parent's house and had plans this morning to attempt to wax my old sick dad's car for him because he has a bad heart valve... and I grieve I might lose him soon. I forced myself to start waxing it around 8 am. I got half way through and I felt so sick and weak and depressed and suffering... that I almost gave up. I was feeling discouraged spiritually, too. Like God where are you... wondering if God would ever "speak" to me or encourage me ever again it had been so long. Remember the number 17.

OK... so half way... my Dad walks into the garage... and out of the blue tells me, "Yesterday, I took my car to Toyota to get serviced... and was looking at the old paperwork I got when I bought the car... and it said I bought it on July 17, 2017." By the way, my Dad NEVER tells me trivial stuff like that. Immediately my heart was touched and strengthened just enough to finish waxing his car. Deep down I KNEW that was God telling me "atta boy" for working on my Dad's car while very weak and sick. I was already fully convinced that was God encouraging me.

After I finished waxing the car... I went into the house to tell him I was done. He was sitting on the couch. He just looked at me and said, "I am going to go to a dermatologist to get the spots on my scalp checked out." Again... I began to wonder... why is he telling me this ? He said, "My appointment is on June 17th !! Wow. Even though I knew it was God the first time... I was touched even more deeply the second time and both times happened within just a few hours. I know many of us don't have anyone in our lives to comfort us or love us in a real and deep way due to our condition or the lack of understanding from others... but I felt loved today and no one in the natural realm helped me feel loved. It came from a spiritual event in my life that happened today that no one else will ever understand or even believe... just like others are with us... and our benzo sufferings. Thank you for taking the time to read about my personal experience that I had with the God I believe in... that I believe will have a lasting impact on me from this day forth.

I wish everyone here the best... and have a deep desire to hear of the experiences of others (of any kind that are positive and help) because I rarely read real life experiences of people here where it really impacted them in a lasting way. It brings me hope and joy to see others impacted by such things.

Kindly,
j

JJ, this is a great idea for a thread. I'm sure we will fill it up, though I can't compete with your verbosity. 😂

Gosh, I'm so sorry about the bad start to your day and for your dad's bad health and worries about losing him someday. He will be in my prayers. I'm glad to hear that you received comfort from God. He truly loves and cares for you and wants to comfort you. Thanks for starting this thread, my friend.

May 31, 2021

Getting out around people and talking to them is often the best medicine for me. It cheers me up and makes me excited again. I should say it's usually the last thing I feel like doing, and it takes some recovery time afterwards. I notice it when I go to the doctor or the vet, which is about the only time I get out. That's all for now. 🙃😉 Sorry, this is so short. 😂

May 31, 2021

The good book says to "die to self" and to "deny self". This condition along with chronic illness and chronic migraines has truly assisted me with this to some degree in that I can't live like others who go on vacations, go to movies, ride bikes, hike, go for walks, spend time in the sun, eat normal food, go shopping, etc.

I used to feel sorry for myself and wanted my old life back, which was truly an adventure. The idea of "dying to self" and "denying self" has made me okay with not living my dream life anymore. I may never live like that again, and I'm okay with it.

June 1, 2021

The good book says to "die to self" and to "deny self". This condition along with chronic illness and chronic migraines has truly assisted me with this to some degree in that I can't live like others who go on vacations, go to movies, ride bikes, hike, go for walks, spend time in the sun, eat normal food, go shopping, etc.

I used to feel sorry for myself and wanted my old life back, which was truly an adventure. The idea of "dying to self" and "denying self" has made me okay with not living my dream life anymore. I may never live like that again, and I'm okay with it.

I admire your grace and acceptance Glitter.

June 1, 2021

The good book says to "die to self" and to "deny self". This condition along with chronic illness and chronic migraines has truly assisted me with this to some degree in that I can't live like others who go on vacations, go to movies, ride bikes, hike, go for walks, spend time in the sun, eat normal food, go shopping, etc.

I used to feel sorry for myself and wanted my old life back, which was truly an adventure. The idea of "dying to self" and "denying self" has made me okay with not living my dream life anymore. I may never live like that again, and I'm okay with it.

I admire your grace and acceptance Glitter.

Thanks, Pamster.

June 1, 2021

One time, I was wrecked with chest pain, dizziness and migraines and I thought this was truly it for me, I was going to die from the withdrawals. I was curled up in bed because nothing would give me relief and I thought even calling the EMT's won't help since there was nothing they could do for me. I thought my brain would just allow me to pass away because the pain was unbearable. I felt alone that no one could understand. I remember this experience because while trying to sleep (as well as breathe!) I had this vision. Please keep in mind, during this vision I was going through an absolute hurricane of symptoms and I was fearing and dreading I would pass away, alone. Well, I had this vision. this profound sudden vision. it was like I was looking into the cosmos, and there was this brilliant path of light. and I saw Steve Jobs walking towards me in a golden glow of light, telling me everything is going to be okay and that he was my guru

You see, I had just finished reading Steve Job's biography as well as his favorite book, Autobiography of a Yogi; and in their tradition, gurus would lead disciples, even in the after life. And since I was not a Hindu, I did not think I would have a guru (I was raised to fear "the one true God"). it's often said that Jesus was a guru himself, since he really did have disciples, and I am often afraid to believe in other religions but you see even in this vision I asked Steve if it was okay to follow him and he said of course, he got permission from Jesus and God and they discussed it and will allow me to have Steve as my guide. At Steve's funeral many people say his spirit remains blessing the creative works of his people (employees, people he inspired etc) and part of why I had read those books was because I really wanted to live, I wanted to be creative and productive, but that night I thought my future would be cut short due to withdrawals. So that is the background to my vision, and why I think it occurred (the priming from reading those books) And during the vision, Steve told me I was going to make it. Everything was going to be all right. He would personally see to it that I make it through the tapering and the withdrawals.

Steve came to me at least one more time that I remembered. I was curled up at a hospital bed many weeks ago, writhing and twitching in pain, while the nurses ignored me because unlike me they knew it wasn't life threatening, and I remember steve coming and consoling me, reaffirming to me that he would be there when I need him. Logically I know this should be Jesus' job, but I think I did not have such a personal connection to Jesus as I do to Steve. He had wild mood swings like I did, but he still did great things. Sharing this because I know it seems silly and maybe I'm just a fan, or this is idol worship, but the feeling of comfort and sureness was genuine and palpable. I hope this encourages others to share their story.

I think that the brain is incredibly transformative. it is a genesis of profound thought. if you want to live in your heart, it will produce things that give you faith, comfort and strength. It is one of the mysteries of life, "where do thoughts come from?" that's when you realize our brains are mysterious little miracles.

June 1, 2021

The good book says to "die to self" and to "deny self". This condition along with chronic illness and chronic migraines has truly assisted me with this to some degree in that I can't live like others who go on vacations, go to movies, ride bikes, hike, go for walks, spend time in the sun, eat normal food, go shopping, etc.

I used to feel sorry for myself and wanted my old life back, which was truly an adventure. The idea of "dying to self" and "denying self" has made me okay with not living my dream life anymore. I may never live like that again, and I'm okay with it.

I wonder, if to "deny self" and "die to self" could actually be interpreted as dying the old self (a self of chronic illness and migraines) to believe and live a new life of health, recovery and vitality.

Because I had recently taken a course called DNRS "Dynamic Neuro Retraining System" (which I cannot praise enough) that showed the brain is capable of changing itself, based on its beliefs and thoughts. For chronic illness sufferers, we have always focused on symptoms and pain, so our brain even creates more receptors to pain and sensitizes us to it.

Then I thought, this is what Jesus could've meant by saying "for anyone who believes can receive eternal life" there is as far as I know, only one rule in the new testament, which is to believe. And our new life, can be one completely different from our old one. And all of his miracles are about believing. The expectation of healing, can create the healing. In neurological terms, all that is "self" is a collection of habits; the 90% of thoughts and actions that are habits and subconscious; but we are the 10% of conscious thoughts that can choose what those habits are, and strengthen them. So by believing and focusing on healing and wellness, what if we are capable of shedding our old self, letting it die, and becoming a completely new and regenerated brain? This discovery in neuroplasticity, (MRI's showing brain centers changing due to focus) I think was intuitively understood by the wise people who wrote the Bible.

That's my interpretation that the Bible is true, that belief matters, faith matters, we really are restructuring and healing our brains. Signals in our brain can create more receptors, so why wouldn't it be that we can create more gaba receptors, reduce the pain receptors? It all makes sense. And I think that "self" is the little nugget of fear and survival, but by letting it die, we open to the possibility of life and joy around us. Let that nugget of fear shrink and shrink, and keep using the parts of your brain that are healthy and vital. Just as much as stroke victims can learn to reuse their paralyzed limbs by putting a cage around their strong and healthy arm, the idea is that we can learn to reuse the healthy parts of our brain by shunting off the fearful old self.

June 1, 2021

Puku

Thank you for all those pleasantly interesting spiritual thoughts n analogies. I am finding some of them to be good and profitable. It amazes me how even simply “seeking out” spiritual things continually expands the understanding in so many unexpected ways… coming from so many different angles.

I have found that seeking things out n learning new things is one of my most favorite and beneficial ways to distract during benzo use. In fact… I believe it has become my favorite coping mechanism… right up there with watching movies… lol… but I’ve discovered that nothing soothes my soul more than connecting with others who understand this manner of suffering who are willing to make themselves vulnerable enough to converse with others in spite of the possible pains n sufferings in doing so.

Sometimes… even the good things make me feel worse… but to me… it’s still worth it. As I read your posts it kept reminding me that things DO happen to us according to how we think n what we believe. … and I’ve discovered this can be both the most beneficial concept or the worst and most destructive also…. depending on how these spiritual thoughts cause us to view ourselves. It has taken me several years to have the pattern within me broken or done away with that kept continually blaming myself n beating myself up for all my thoughts, words, and deeds that have been totally messed up by benzos.

Kindly,

j

June 2, 2021

The good book says to "die to self" and to "deny self". This condition along with chronic illness and chronic migraines has truly assisted me with this to some degree in that I can't live like others who go on vacations, go to movies, ride bikes, hike, go for walks, spend time in the sun, eat normal food, go shopping, etc.

I used to feel sorry for myself and wanted my old life back, which was truly an adventure. The idea of "dying to self" and "denying self" has made me okay with not living my dream life anymore. I may never live like that again, and I'm okay with it.

I wonder, if to "deny self" and "die to self" could actually be interpreted as dying the old self (a self of chronic illness and migraines) to believe and live a new life of health, recovery and vitality.

Because I had recently taken a course called DNRS "Dynamic Neuro Retraining System" (which I cannot praise enough) that showed the brain is capable of changing itself, based on its beliefs and thoughts. For chronic illness sufferers, we have always focused on symptoms and pain, so our brain even creates more receptors to pain and sensitizes us to it.

Then I thought, this is what Jesus could've meant by saying "for anyone who believes can receive eternal life" there is as far as I know, only one rule in the new testament, which is to believe. And our new life, can be one completely different from our old one. And all of his miracles are about believing. The expectation of healing, can create the healing. In neurological terms, all that is "self" is a collection of habits; the 90% of thoughts and actions that are habits and subconscious; but we are the 10% of conscious thoughts that can choose what those habits are, and strengthen them. So by believing and focusing on healing and wellness, what if we are capable of shedding our old self, letting it die, and becoming a completely new and regenerated brain? This discovery in neuroplasticity, (MRI's showing brain centers changing due to focus) I think was intuitively understood by the wise people who wrote the Bible.
That's my interpretation that the Bible is true, that belief matters, faith matters, we really are restructuring and healing our brains. Signals in our brain can create more receptors, so why wouldn't it be that we can create more gaba receptors, reduce the pain receptors? It all makes sense. And I think that "self" is the little nugget of fear and survival, but by letting it die, we open to the possibility of life and joy around us. Let that nugget of fear shrink and shrink, and keep using the parts of your brain that are healthy and vital. Just as much as stroke victims can learn to reuse their paralyzed limbs by putting a cage around their strong and healthy arm, the idea is that we can learn to reuse the healthy parts of our brain by shunting off the fearful old self.

pupukupu, I love what you said, as it's truly inspiring. I love the studies on the brain and how we can change how we think and even heal. Thanks for sharing this. It's amazing.

June 2, 2021

One time, I was wrecked with chest pain, dizziness and migraines and I thought this was truly it for me, I was going to die from the withdrawals. I was curled up in bed because nothing would give me relief and I thought even calling the EMT's won't help since there was nothing they could do for me. I thought my brain would just allow me to pass away because the pain was unbearable. I felt alone that no one could understand. I remember this experience because while trying to sleep (as well as breathe!) I had this vision. Please keep in mind, during this vision I was going through an absolute hurricane of symptoms and I was fearing and dreading I would pass away, alone. Well, I had this vision. this profound sudden vision. it was like I was looking into the cosmos, and there was this brilliant path of light. and I saw Steve Jobs walking towards me in a golden glow of light, telling me everything is going to be okay and that he was my guru

You see, I had just finished reading Steve Job's biography as well as his favorite book, Autobiography of a Yogi; and in their tradition, gurus would lead disciples, even in the after life. And since I was not a Hindu, I did not think I would have a guru (I was raised to fear "the one true God"). it's often said that Jesus was a guru himself, since he really did have disciples, and I am often afraid to believe in other religions but you see even in this vision I asked Steve if it was okay to follow him and he said of course, he got permission from Jesus and God and they discussed it and will allow me to have Steve as my guide. At Steve's funeral many people say his spirit remains blessing the creative works of his people (employees, people he inspired etc) and part of why I had read those books was because I really wanted to live, I wanted to be creative and productive, but that night I thought my future would be cut short due to withdrawals. So that is the background to my vision, and why I think it occurred (the priming from reading those books) And during the vision, Steve told me I was going to make it. Everything was going to be all right. He would personally see to it that I make it through the tapering and the withdrawals.

Steve came to me at least one more time that I remembered. I was curled up at a hospital bed many weeks ago, writhing and twitching in pain, while the nurses ignored me because unlike me they knew it wasn't life threatening, and I remember steve coming and consoling me, reaffirming to me that he would be there when I need him. Logically I know this should be Jesus' job, but I think I did not have such a personal connection to Jesus as I do to Steve. He had wild mood swings like I did, but he still did great things. Sharing this because I know it seems silly and maybe I'm just a fan, or this is idol worship, but the feeling of comfort and sureness was genuine and palpable. I hope this encourages others to share their story.

I think that the brain is incredibly transformative. it is a genesis of profound thought. if you want to live in your heart, it will produce things that give you faith, comfort and strength. It is one of the mysteries of life, "where do thoughts come from?" that's when you realize our brains are mysterious little miracles.

Yikes, pupukupu, you had such EXTREME withdrawal symptoms. I'm sorry you went through that, and I'm glad you're still here. I actually bought Autobiography of a Yogi just before I came to Christ, so it ended up in the trash, LOL. I had similar beliefs as you do, about spirit guides. It was an interesting time. Thanks for sharing this. I hope you're done with the worst of WD.

June 2, 2021

puku, Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda is a great book. He was an Asian Indian and Hindu, I believe. I love Indian people and Hinduism. Your visions are interesting and I'm glad they help you. I try to draw comfort from all faiths.

June 4, 2021

I love that Jozsef! God is definitely speaking to you. You have spoken fresh life to me more than once so he is doing the same for you until the day you are delivered!

Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness.

2 Corinthians 9:10

God is so merciful to speak to me through this journey. Back in 2018 I was in a dark place. I had to walk out of work and sit in my car and pray often. There was so much agitation and adrenaline, body pressure, burning, and fear. These were just some of the symptoms that I had been dealing with daily for months. I’m in my car and I prayed something like “God even if you’re not going to heal me now I need to know if you’re going to get me to the other side of this, that this will pass.” Then I tell God I need a sign. I need encouragement. I’m desperate but all of a sudden I’m encouraged and feel bold in asking this. It’s like I just know he’s going to answer me. So for the sign I just blurt out the first thing that pops in my head. I’m staring at my dashboard and I tell God to make something electronic malfunction if he’s doing to get me to the other side and this will pass. I tell God he can make my car die as I’m driving home or brick my phone or whatever just make something malfunction and let it be obvious. I didn’t care about the inconvenience of any of these as much as hearing from him. I’ve been living in horror hell and not knowing I’d id ever get better for nearly 8 months back then. So I get out if my car and walk back through the parking lot to walk back into my office. I swipe my key card/fob to unlock the hallway and it makes a weird noise and turns red instead of green and unlocking. I swipe again. Same thing. Then again and again and in frustration I walk away to borrow someone else’s fob.

As I’m walking away about 5 steps down the hall I hear the doors buzz and unlock and I turn around and it’s green. Just like it was playing with me. As soon as I pass through the doors I realize that this is the sign I had asked for. I’m on the floor in my cubicle praying and thanking God.

It's now 2021 and I’m not healed. I’m much better most of the time though. I’ve had some windows and moments where I cling to this promise. Things got really dark for me this last year after mercury being moved around from amalgam removal. So I’m in this derealization terror alien lava acid burning hell wave that’s lasting months. Sometimes I would question God and ask if when he promised this will pass if he meant when I’m dead and go to heaven. This thought is always in the back of my mind. How is God going to heal me when my body feels like it’s plugged into an electric generator and I’m scared of nothing and everything 24/7? He must have meant that he will get me to the other side in the NEXT life not this one because my body and brain are so damaged.

So a few months ago I go outside and I get that same bold encouragement feeling that I had when I asked God to make something electronic malfunction. I ask God if he meant he will heal me in this life.

I pull out my phone and click on a Bible verse webpage I often use when I want to ask God something. I ask him to speak to me about being healed in THIS life on earth if he’s going to do it and I click on random verse and the one verse I get is Psalm 27:13...

“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the LAND OF THE LIVING.”

There have been other times God has spoken to me so I’ll try and find them in my journal but these were the two big ones. He’s given me obvious signs about things even before I was damaged by meds. I’m so in awe of how gracious and merciful God is not just to be faithful and do what he says he will but just that he knew how desperate I was and he had sympathy to speak to me and encourage me.

Not related to BWD but I was doubting the Bible as an early believer- you know questioning inerrancy as most people do, and I told God to make it thunder and lighting if I should believe what the Bible says in it. Nothing happened. I went to bed and the next morning I woke up to the house shaking, lights flickering, and a booming sound over and over- we were having a power malfunction and the HVAC was malfunctioning too. This was my thunder and lighting!

Another time, I’m talking to my mentor as I’m contemplating getting off the klonpin the first time. I’m in a diner and scared and he’s sitting with his back against the window. He tells me not to worry and that “God is more powerful than man” and as soon as he says this, lighting streaks across the sky behind him, lighting everything up. This was the only time lighting showed that day before or after.

Another time I’m walking to my car after grad school and I’m talking with a student. He tells me he’s a believer and I tell him I am to. I say something like “There is nothing better than God” and all of a sudden the sky opens up and rain pours down on both of us. We look at eachother and then it stops raining. It’s night so we can’t really see if it’s cloudy or not but there was no rain before or after this.

Another time, I’m sitting in my car nervous because I’m about to meet my future in-laws to ask for their permission to marry their daughter, who is still my beautiful wife today. I then pray and ask God if I have HIS permission to marry his daughter. I look down at my phone and the widget for the Bible App on my android didn’t have a Bible verse showing like it was supposed to- it simply said “OK”.

Sometimes God makes the lights flicker when I am praying. I’ll ask for flashing lights to confirm he will help me and the next morning I wake up to our fire alarm going off for no reason.

It appears that God speaks to me through electricity, weather and birds (that’s a different set of stories).

I cling to these promises when my days get really bad and even though I don’t feel like it’s going I happen some days I’m trusting him to do what he said he will do. God is the only reason I’m still fighting. I’m humbled that he speaks to me so specifically because he knows I need to hear it. I’m weak right now and I need his strength and hope.

June 4, 2021

I love that Jozsef! God is definitely speaking to you. You have spoken fresh life to me more than once so he is doing the same for you until the day you are delivered!

Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness.
2 Corinthians 9:10

God is so merciful to speak to me through this journey. Back in 2018 I was in a dark place. I had to walk out of work and sit in my car and pray often. There was so much agitation and adrenaline, body pressure, burning, and fear. These were just some of the symptoms that I had been dealing with daily for months. I’m in my car and I prayed something like “God even if you’re not going to heal me now I need to know if you’re going to get me to the other side of this, that this will pass.” Then I tell God I need a sign. I need encouragement. I’m desperate but all of a sudden I’m encouraged and feel bold in asking this. It’s like I just know he’s going to answer me. So for the sign I just blurt out the first thing that pops in my head. I’m staring at my dashboard and I tell God to make something electronic malfunction if he’s doing to get me to the other side and this will pass. I tell God he can make my car die as I’m driving home or brick my phone or whatever just make something malfunction and let it be obvious. I didn’t care about the inconvenience of any of these as much as hearing from him. I’ve been living in horror hell and not knowing I’d id ever get better for nearly 8 months back then. So I get out if my car and walk back through the parking lot to walk back into my office. I swipe my key card/fob to unlock the hallway and it makes a weird noise and turns red instead of green and unlocking. I swipe again. Same thing. Then again and again and in frustration I walk away to borrow someone else’s fob.
As I’m walking away about 5 steps down the hall I hear the doors buzz and unlock and I turn around and it’s green. Just like it was playing with me. As soon as I pass through the doors I realize that this is the sign I had asked for. I’m on the floor in my cubicle praying and thanking God.

It's now 2021 and I’m not healed. I’m much better most of the time though. I’ve had some windows and moments where I cling to this promise. Things got really dark for me this last year after mercury being moved around from amalgam removal. So I’m in this derealization terror alien lava acid burning hell wave that’s lasting months. Sometimes I would question God and ask if when he promised this will pass if he meant when I’m dead and go to heaven. This thought is always in the back of my mind. How is God going to heal me when my body feels like it’s plugged into an electric generator and I’m scared of nothing and everything 24/7? He must have meant that he will get me to the other side in the NEXT life not this one because my body and brain are so damaged.

So a few months ago I go outside and I get that same bold encouragement feeling that I had when I asked God to make something electronic malfunction. I ask God if he meant he will heal me in this life.
I pull out my phone and click on a Bible verse webpage I often use when I want to ask God something. I ask him to speak to me about being healed in THIS life on earth if he’s going to do it and I click on random verse and the one verse I get is Psalm 27:13...

“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the LAND OF THE LIVING.”

There have been other times God has spoken to me so I’ll try and find them in my journal but these were the two big ones. He’s given me obvious signs about things even before I was damaged by meds. I’m so in awe of how gracious and merciful God is not just to be faithful and do what he says he will but just that he knew how desperate I was and he had sympathy to speak to me and encourage me.

Not related to BWD but I was doubting the Bible as an early believer- you know questioning inerrancy as most people do, and I told God to make it thunder and lighting if I should believe what the Bible says in it. Nothing happened. I went to bed and the next morning I woke up to the house shaking, lights flickering, and a booming sound over and over- we were having a power malfunction and the HVAC was malfunctioning too. This was my thunder and lighting!

Another time, I’m talking to my mentor as I’m contemplating getting off the klonpin the first time. I’m in a diner and scared and he’s sitting with his back against the window. He tells me not to worry and that “God is more powerful than man” and as soon as he says this, lighting streaks across the sky behind him, lighting everything up. This was the only time lighting showed that day before or after.

Another time I’m walking to my car after grad school and I’m talking with a student. He tells me he’s a believer and I tell him I am to. I say something like “There is nothing better than God” and all of a sudden the sky opens up and rain pours down on both of us. We look at eachother and then it stops raining. It’s night so we can’t really see if it’s cloudy or not but there was no rain before or after this.

Another time, I’m sitting in my car nervous because I’m about to meet my future in-laws to ask for their permission to marry their daughter, who is still my beautiful wife today. I then pray and ask God if I have HIS permission to marry his daughter. I look down at my phone and the widget for the Bible App on my android didn’t have a Bible verse showing like it was supposed to- it simply said “OK”.

Sometimes God makes the lights flicker when I am praying. I’ll ask for flashing lights to confirm he will help me and the next morning I wake up to our fire alarm going off for no reason.
It appears that God speaks to me through electricity, weather and birds (that’s a different set of stories).

I cling to these promises when my days get really bad and even though I don’t feel like it’s going I happen some days I’m trusting him to do what he said he will do. God is the only reason I’m still fighting. I’m humbled that he speaks to me so specifically because he knows I need to hear it. I’m weak right now and I need his strength and hope.

This is beautiful and inspiring. I love your electricity moments with God and JJ's number 17 moments. Thanks for sharing this, TrustGod828. I feel ignored by God, as many of us do. Thank God for faith in him, as he is the one who gives us faith.

June 5, 2021

I love that Jozsef! God is definitely speaking to you. You have spoken fresh life to me more than once so he is doing the same for you until the day you are delivered!

Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness.
2 Corinthians 9:10

God is so merciful to speak to me through this journey. Back in 2018 I was in a dark place. I had to walk out of work and sit in my car and pray often. There was so much agitation and adrenaline, body pressure, burning, and fear. These were just some of the symptoms that I had been dealing with daily for months. I’m in my car and I prayed something like “God even if you’re not going to heal me now I need to know if you’re going to get me to the other side of this, that this will pass.” Then I tell God I need a sign. I need encouragement. I’m desperate but all of a sudden I’m encouraged and feel bold in asking this. It’s like I just know he’s going to answer me. So for the sign I just blurt out the first thing that pops in my head. I’m staring at my dashboard and I tell God to make something electronic malfunction if he’s doing to get me to the other side and this will pass. I tell God he can make my car die as I’m driving home or brick my phone or whatever just make something malfunction and let it be obvious. I didn’t care about the inconvenience of any of these as much as hearing from him. I’ve been living in horror hell and not knowing I’d id ever get better for nearly 8 months back then. So I get out if my car and walk back through the parking lot to walk back into my office. I swipe my key card/fob to unlock the hallway and it makes a weird noise and turns red instead of green and unlocking. I swipe again. Same thing. Then again and again and in frustration I walk away to borrow someone else’s fob.
As I’m walking away about 5 steps down the hall I hear the doors buzz and unlock and I turn around and it’s green. Just like it was playing with me. As soon as I pass through the doors I realize that this is the sign I had asked for. I’m on the floor in my cubicle praying and thanking God.

It's now 2021 and I’m not healed. I’m much better most of the time though. I’ve had some windows and moments where I cling to this promise. Things got really dark for me this last year after mercury being moved around from amalgam removal. So I’m in this derealization terror alien lava acid burning hell wave that’s lasting months. Sometimes I would question God and ask if when he promised this will pass if he meant when I’m dead and go to heaven. This thought is always in the back of my mind. How is God going to heal me when my body feels like it’s plugged into an electric generator and I’m scared of nothing and everything 24/7? He must have meant that he will get me to the other side in the NEXT life not this one because my body and brain are so damaged.

So a few months ago I go outside and I get that same bold encouragement feeling that I had when I asked God to make something electronic malfunction. I ask God if he meant he will heal me in this life.
I pull out my phone and click on a Bible verse webpage I often use when I want to ask God something. I ask him to speak to me about being healed in THIS life on earth if he’s going to do it and I click on random verse and the one verse I get is Psalm 27:13...

“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the LAND OF THE LIVING.”

There have been other times God has spoken to me so I’ll try and find them in my journal but these were the two big ones. He’s given me obvious signs about things even before I was damaged by meds. I’m so in awe of how gracious and merciful God is not just to be faithful and do what he says he will but just that he knew how desperate I was and he had sympathy to speak to me and encourage me.

Not related to BWD but I was doubting the Bible as an early believer- you know questioning inerrancy as most people do, and I told God to make it thunder and lighting if I should believe what the Bible says in it. Nothing happened. I went to bed and the next morning I woke up to the house shaking, lights flickering, and a booming sound over and over- we were having a power malfunction and the HVAC was malfunctioning too. This was my thunder and lighting!

Another time, I’m talking to my mentor as I’m contemplating getting off the klonpin the first time. I’m in a diner and scared and he’s sitting with his back against the window. He tells me not to worry and that “God is more powerful than man” and as soon as he says this, lighting streaks across the sky behind him, lighting everything up. This was the only time lighting showed that day before or after.

Another time I’m walking to my car after grad school and I’m talking with a student. He tells me he’s a believer and I tell him I am to. I say something like “There is nothing better than God” and all of a sudden the sky opens up and rain pours down on both of us. We look at eachother and then it stops raining. It’s night so we can’t really see if it’s cloudy or not but there was no rain before or after this.

Another time, I’m sitting in my car nervous because I’m about to meet my future in-laws to ask for their permission to marry their daughter, who is still my beautiful wife today. I then pray and ask God if I have HIS permission to marry his daughter. I look down at my phone and the widget for the Bible App on my android didn’t have a Bible verse showing like it was supposed to- it simply said “OK”.

Sometimes God makes the lights flicker when I am praying. I’ll ask for flashing lights to confirm he will help me and the next morning I wake up to our fire alarm going off for no reason.
It appears that God speaks to me through electricity, weather and birds (that’s a different set of stories).

I cling to these promises when my days get really bad and even though I don’t feel like it’s going I happen some days I’m trusting him to do what he said he will do. God is the only reason I’m still fighting. I’m humbled that he speaks to me so specifically because he knows I need to hear it. I’m weak right now and I need his strength and hope.

This is beautiful and inspiring. I love your electricity moments with God and JJ's number 17 moments. Thanks for sharing this, TrustGod828. I feel ignored by God, as many of us do. Thank God for faith in him, as he is the one who gives us faith.

Hi Glitter,

I've been there too. There was a period of about a year where I felt ignored/abandoned/forsaken and I also thought this was punishment for some sin I committed somewhere in my past. I felt cursed. I thought this WD was just a taste of what awaited me after death. Ironically, even though God has been so gracious to speak to me, I sometimes still feel that way occasionally. I doubt, and wonder if I heard him wrong. I believe God wants us to exercise some degree of faith even when he embraces us with signs of hope. If he came down and spoke to use clearly, or took away all of our pain instantly (he does this for some) then how are we practicing faith? I believe it is faith that is most pleasing to God. I try my best, and overall I've gotten much better, but on very dark days I do question. The same cliché but valid questions that people have asked since the dawn of time- "Why me?" "Why am I suffering so much?" "Where are you?". It's a fallen world, and we've been harmed by worldy systems- corrupt medical/pharma complexes, ignorant doctors, possible addictions (not saying benzo tolerance is an addiction at all), a need to escape pain and anxiety or stress or life, flesh that fails, whatever the reason we are here. Anyway, my point is that I hear you. God is with you and he sees your pain. He cares. He's going to see you through it and it will end. He is not ignoring you. I believe that everything has a purpose for a believer. God will use your suffering to do something amazing in your life even if you can't see it now or even don't want it now. God will use this to help others you come in contact with. Perhaps he is training you for something. There are much better days ahead for you!

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Romans 8:28

June 5, 2021

I love that Jozsef! God is definitely speaking to you. You have spoken fresh life to me more than once so he is doing the same for you until the day you are delivered!

Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness.
2 Corinthians 9:10

God is so merciful to speak to me through this journey. Back in 2018 I was in a dark place. I had to walk out of work and sit in my car and pray often. There was so much agitation and adrenaline, body pressure, burning, and fear. These were just some of the symptoms that I had been dealing with daily for months. I’m in my car and I prayed something like “God even if you’re not going to heal me now I need to know if you’re going to get me to the other side of this, that this will pass.” Then I tell God I need a sign. I need encouragement. I’m desperate but all of a sudden I’m encouraged and feel bold in asking this. It’s like I just know he’s going to answer me. So for the sign I just blurt out the first thing that pops in my head. I’m staring at my dashboard and I tell God to make something electronic malfunction if he’s doing to get me to the other side and this will pass. I tell God he can make my car die as I’m driving home or brick my phone or whatever just make something malfunction and let it be obvious. I didn’t care about the inconvenience of any of these as much as hearing from him. I’ve been living in horror hell and not knowing I’d id ever get better for nearly 8 months back then. So I get out if my car and walk back through the parking lot to walk back into my office. I swipe my key card/fob to unlock the hallway and it makes a weird noise and turns red instead of green and unlocking. I swipe again. Same thing. Then again and again and in frustration I walk away to borrow someone else’s fob.
As I’m walking away about 5 steps down the hall I hear the doors buzz and unlock and I turn around and it’s green. Just like it was playing with me. As soon as I pass through the doors I realize that this is the sign I had asked for. I’m on the floor in my cubicle praying and thanking God.

It's now 2021 and I’m not healed. I’m much better most of the time though. I’ve had some windows and moments where I cling to this promise. Things got really dark for me this last year after mercury being moved around from amalgam removal. So I’m in this derealization terror alien lava acid burning hell wave that’s lasting months. Sometimes I would question God and ask if when he promised this will pass if he meant when I’m dead and go to heaven. This thought is always in the back of my mind. How is God going to heal me when my body feels like it’s plugged into an electric generator and I’m scared of nothing and everything 24/7? He must have meant that he will get me to the other side in the NEXT life not this one because my body and brain are so damaged.

So a few months ago I go outside and I get that same bold encouragement feeling that I had when I asked God to make something electronic malfunction. I ask God if he meant he will heal me in this life.
I pull out my phone and click on a Bible verse webpage I often use when I want to ask God something. I ask him to speak to me about being healed in THIS life on earth if he’s going to do it and I click on random verse and the one verse I get is Psalm 27:13...

“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the LAND OF THE LIVING.”

There have been other times God has spoken to me so I’ll try and find them in my journal but these were the two big ones. He’s given me obvious signs about things even before I was damaged by meds. I’m so in awe of how gracious and merciful God is not just to be faithful and do what he says he will but just that he knew how desperate I was and he had sympathy to speak to me and encourage me.

Not related to BWD but I was doubting the Bible as an early believer- you know questioning inerrancy as most people do, and I told God to make it thunder and lighting if I should believe what the Bible says in it. Nothing happened. I went to bed and the next morning I woke up to the house shaking, lights flickering, and a booming sound over and over- we were having a power malfunction and the HVAC was malfunctioning too. This was my thunder and lighting!

Another time, I’m talking to my mentor as I’m contemplating getting off the klonpin the first time. I’m in a diner and scared and he’s sitting with his back against the window. He tells me not to worry and that “God is more powerful than man” and as soon as he says this, lighting streaks across the sky behind him, lighting everything up. This was the only time lighting showed that day before or after.

Another time I’m walking to my car after grad school and I’m talking with a student. He tells me he’s a believer and I tell him I am to. I say something like “There is nothing better than God” and all of a sudden the sky opens up and rain pours down on both of us. We look at eachother and then it stops raining. It’s night so we can’t really see if it’s cloudy or not but there was no rain before or after this.

Another time, I’m sitting in my car nervous because I’m about to meet my future in-laws to ask for their permission to marry their daughter, who is still my beautiful wife today. I then pray and ask God if I have HIS permission to marry his daughter. I look down at my phone and the widget for the Bible App on my android didn’t have a Bible verse showing like it was supposed to- it simply said “OK”.

Sometimes God makes the lights flicker when I am praying. I’ll ask for flashing lights to confirm he will help me and the next morning I wake up to our fire alarm going off for no reason.
It appears that God speaks to me through electricity, weather and birds (that’s a different set of stories).

I cling to these promises when my days get really bad and even though I don’t feel like it’s going I happen some days I’m trusting him to do what he said he will do. God is the only reason I’m still fighting. I’m humbled that he speaks to me so specifically because he knows I need to hear it. I’m weak right now and I need his strength and hope.

This is beautiful and inspiring. I love your electricity moments with God and JJ's number 17 moments. Thanks for sharing this, TrustGod828. I feel ignored by God, as many of us do. Thank God for faith in him, as he is the one who gives us faith.

Hi Glitter,

I've been there too. There was a period of about a year where I felt ignored/abandoned/forsaken and I also thought this was punishment for some sin I committed somewhere in my past. I felt cursed. I thought this WD was just a taste of what awaited me after death. Ironically, even though God has been so gracious to speak to me, I sometimes still feel that way occasionally. I doubt, and wonder if I heard him wrong. I believe God wants us to exercise some degree of faith even when he embraces us with signs of hope. If he came down and spoke to use clearly, or took away all of our pain instantly (he does this for some) then how are we practicing faith? I believe it is faith that is most pleasing to God. I try my best, and overall I've gotten much better, but on very dark days I do question. The same cliché but valid questions that people have asked since the dawn of time- "Why me?" "Why am I suffering so much?" "Where are you?". It's a fallen world, and we've been harmed by worldy systems- corrupt medical/pharma complexes, ignorant doctors, possible addictions (not saying benzo tolerance is an addiction at all), a need to escape pain and anxiety or stress or life, flesh that fails, whatever the reason we are here. Anyway, my point is that I hear you. God is with you and he sees your pain. He cares. He's going to see you through it and it will end. He is not ignoring you. I believe that everything has a purpose for a believer. God will use your suffering to do something amazing in your life even if you can't see it now or even don't want it now. God will use this to help others you come in contact with. Perhaps he is training you for something. There are much better days ahead for you!

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
Romans 8:28

Thank you, TrustGod, there's a lot of wisdom in what you said. I truly believe there's a lot to be said for clinging to God even when we feel abandoned by him. It's so true, there's a purpose for everything God is doing in our lives, even our feeling ignored and suffering the repercussions of benzos.

June 10, 2021

I love that Jozsef! God is definitely speaking to you. You have spoken fresh life to me more than once so he is doing the same for you until the day you are delivered!

Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness.
2 Corinthians 9:10

God is so merciful to speak to me through this journey. Back in 2018 I was in a dark place. I had to walk out of work and sit in my car and pray often. There was so much agitation and adrenaline, body pressure, burning, and fear. These were just some of the symptoms that I had been dealing with daily for months. I’m in my car and I prayed something like “God even if you’re not going to heal me now I need to know if you’re going to get me to the other side of this, that this will pass.” Then I tell God I need a sign. I need encouragement. I’m desperate but all of a sudden I’m encouraged and feel bold in asking this. It’s like I just know he’s going to answer me. So for the sign I just blurt out the first thing that pops in my head. I’m staring at my dashboard and I tell God to make something electronic malfunction if he’s doing to get me to the other side and this will pass. I tell God he can make my car die as I’m driving home or brick my phone or whatever just make something malfunction and let it be obvious. I didn’t care about the inconvenience of any of these as much as hearing from him. I’ve been living in horror hell and not knowing I’d id ever get better for nearly 8 months back then. So I get out if my car and walk back through the parking lot to walk back into my office. I swipe my key card/fob to unlock the hallway and it makes a weird noise and turns red instead of green and unlocking. I swipe again. Same thing. Then again and again and in frustration I walk away to borrow someone else’s fob.
As I’m walking away about 5 steps down the hall I hear the doors buzz and unlock and I turn around and it’s green. Just like it was playing with me. As soon as I pass through the doors I realize that this is the sign I had asked for. I’m on the floor in my cubicle praying and thanking God.

It's now 2021 and I’m not healed. I’m much better most of the time though. I’ve had some windows and moments where I cling to this promise. Things got really dark for me this last year after mercury being moved around from amalgam removal. So I’m in this derealization terror alien lava acid burning hell wave that’s lasting months. Sometimes I would question God and ask if when he promised this will pass if he meant when I’m dead and go to heaven. This thought is always in the back of my mind. How is God going to heal me when my body feels like it’s plugged into an electric generator and I’m scared of nothing and everything 24/7? He must have meant that he will get me to the other side in the NEXT life not this one because my body and brain are so damaged.

So a few months ago I go outside and I get that same bold encouragement feeling that I had when I asked God to make something electronic malfunction. I ask God if he meant he will heal me in this life.
I pull out my phone and click on a Bible verse webpage I often use when I want to ask God something. I ask him to speak to me about being healed in THIS life on earth if he’s going to do it and I click on random verse and the one verse I get is Psalm 27:13...

“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the LAND OF THE LIVING.”

There have been other times God has spoken to me so I’ll try and find them in my journal but these were the two big ones. He’s given me obvious signs about things even before I was damaged by meds. I’m so in awe of how gracious and merciful God is not just to be faithful and do what he says he will but just that he knew how desperate I was and he had sympathy to speak to me and encourage me.

Not related to BWD but I was doubting the Bible as an early believer- you know questioning inerrancy as most people do, and I told God to make it thunder and lighting if I should believe what the Bible says in it. Nothing happened. I went to bed and the next morning I woke up to the house shaking, lights flickering, and a booming sound over and over- we were having a power malfunction and the HVAC was malfunctioning too. This was my thunder and lighting!

Another time, I’m talking to my mentor as I’m contemplating getting off the klonpin the first time. I’m in a diner and scared and he’s sitting with his back against the window. He tells me not to worry and that “God is more powerful than man” and as soon as he says this, lighting streaks across the sky behind him, lighting everything up. This was the only time lighting showed that day before or after.

Another time I’m walking to my car after grad school and I’m talking with a student. He tells me he’s a believer and I tell him I am to. I say something like “There is nothing better than God” and all of a sudden the sky opens up and rain pours down on both of us. We look at eachother and then it stops raining. It’s night so we can’t really see if it’s cloudy or not but there was no rain before or after this.

Another time, I’m sitting in my car nervous because I’m about to meet my future in-laws to ask for their permission to marry their daughter, who is still my beautiful wife today. I then pray and ask God if I have HIS permission to marry his daughter. I look down at my phone and the widget for the Bible App on my android didn’t have a Bible verse showing like it was supposed to- it simply said “OK”.

Sometimes God makes the lights flicker when I am praying. I’ll ask for flashing lights to confirm he will help me and the next morning I wake up to our fire alarm going off for no reason.
It appears that God speaks to me through electricity, weather and birds (that’s a different set of stories).

I cling to these promises when my days get really bad and even though I don’t feel like it’s going I happen some days I’m trusting him to do what he said he will do. God is the only reason I’m still fighting. I’m humbled that he speaks to me so specifically because he knows I need to hear it. I’m weak right now and I need his strength and hope.

Hi, T !! I would like to share with you my "Mind's Eye Visions and Birthday Experience." The following are descriptions of real life events that happened to me back in April of 2018. They have everything to do with how benzodiazepines affect me on a daily basis... and how I believe God... over time... has touched me and "spoken" to me just at the right times... in order to renew my hope and strength and keep doing through benzo use. Every experience I share here is directly related to how my spirituality (my God) has helped me get through the past 12 years of suffering inexplicably from 30 years of benzo use and medications. I might also mention a few sacred or religious texts which are directly related to the experiences as specified in the coping board posting guidelines. Please read this and be encouraged in some way.

During the last week in April of 2018

I was in my room in the last house I lived in. I was in anguish, and sick, and being pressed so hard, I felt torment so bad, I thought it might kill me. Then I started crying when the weight lifted off of me. I got on my face on the floor and began to pray. With all my heart, I asked God, "Will you please give me a sign with the number 5 to show me if you love me?" The reason I did this is because God had spoken to me through numbers not too long before this event. I was crying in agony. Begging him to tell me if he still loves me, and if I'm his, and if he is for me, not against me. That same spring (a month before) I had purchased a cactus. I don't know the name of the cactus. I'll try to describe it to you. They are fairly small like a colorful little house plant in a tiny pot. They come in yellow, red, pink, orange, and other colors, too, I think. Mine was a red one. There is a small stalk with a round "head" at the top where either flowers or more heads grow.... or even new stalks if the head gets cut off. I had gone to the nursery with my Mom that spring, and had some extra cash, so I got one. It was super hot outside when we left, and I was helping my Mom put what she had purchased into the car, and didn't realize I had forgotten my little red cactus. I didn't realize I had forgotten it, til like the next day or something. The following week my Mom took me back to get another cactus, so I picked a red one again, that looked almost just like the one I had previously purchased and lost.

I was speaking with the woman who was in the greenhouse and asked her how I should care for the cactus, and she told me not to water them too often. She said to check the soil in the little pot and see if it is COMPLETELY dry... then, if it is, take a spray bottle and give it a few sprays til it's damp again. I found that to be very interesting advice. I had never owned such a cactus before. I thought that was fascinating. At that time, I wasn't really thinking very spiritually about how to water the cactus. It wasn't until a later time, that I realized that God was speaking to me through his creation about many things just by using a cactus !!

Rewind back to me crying on the floor praying to God. Remember I had asked God to show me if God still loves me, and if I am God's, and if God is for me and not against me. This was probably at least 2 weeks after I had purchased the red cactus with only one main head (ball) on the stalk. I just laid there on the floor for a while, feeling somewhat hopeless and confused as I often do. I slowly got up, and wiped the tears from my eyes. I paced my room a little. I went over to the window sill or the bedside stand (I can't remember which) and looked down in there and saw my red cactus. It had been in the heat a long time without any water. I picked it up to place it down in a cool place and got my spray bottle. I looked at the cactus and in a very very short time (which is really unheard of for a cactus like this one) it had grown a total (including the main head) of 5 tiny heads !!! I almost could not breathe. I tried to calm down and count them with more focus. I counted 5 again. I couldn't believe it. This was too good to be true. I counted it several more times, thinking I was perhaps having a delusion!! I kept counting 5 every time. I burst into tears and I was in complete shock. I had never got such a clear sign from God before. It was like a "knowing" that it was God. I began to weep and really I think I was just completely focused on God and the love he was showing to me. I kept asking myself is this real? It was just glorious!! The feeling took away all my sadness and fear and many other negative emotions that were a part of me at that time.

I got so excited. So much so, that I opened the scriptures. Then, God began to show me some verses that his spirit bore witness with my spirit that each one of the verses he showed me was FOR ME specifically. Like he was speaking it directly to me by his Spirit. I won't share what he showed me, but it was unlike anything I've ever experienced before. It instantly gave me peace and assurance like I've never had in my life up to that point. It was like I was stuck in the Spirit and could only feel good things. So much confidence, hope, glory!! There are no words for this!! Believe me !! No human word even comes close !! I was also seeing visions (in my head not literal, but in the mind's eye) that I had never felt that feeling before while seeing. It was different this time. It's like I knew it wasn't my own imigination. I saw a cloud and a rainbow.... I was there in the sky looking down on the cloud and the rainbow. A real place on earth. I felt it was one of the places secluded in the natural where God might bring myself and others to someday in the future. I felt in my spirit that he was telling me that I was going to be a part of it. I was overwhelmed. So much so, that it's like I had a hard time receiving it right then and there. The euphoria from my experience lasted like a month!! I looked down from the sky and saw a HUGE cabin type place like a "cabin hospital" on a flat space where there were no trees but surrounded by trees. I saw children of all walks of life outside, like they had just been freed from something. Flying kites in the grassy field inside the forrest. It was nite time, then I was in one of the rooms there, and it was my room. I had a purpose there. I was there for a real reason. I felt like I had value and worth. Like I was God's friend and he trusted me to do whatever it was that I was doing for God and the children and other people who believed in God. It's hard to describe, but the feelings I got during these mind's eye visions were more powerful than even the effect that decades of benzos has had on me. I felt so sicka and weak... but had so much peace... none of that bothered me or even mattered. What could be better than this during benzo use or withdrawal ?

Then I found myself at nite with one of those headband led flashlights around my head. I was riding a four wheeler motorcycle through the woods very fast, on a mission. I have no idea what the mission was. I felt joy. I felt like I was right where I belonged. I felt like the worst was behind me, and that God had my back from that point on out from there to the end. Then, all of the sudden, I began to "see" other things in other places on earth (once again in my mind's eye). I saw my elder on a camel in the hot desert of the middle east somewhere. I do not know where it was specifically. It was like we were with each other in the Spirit. He was thirsty and dehydrated and scarred and wounded. He was getting ready to die. He needed shoes and water and some supplies. I was still in my room having these "visions" or whatever you want to call it. I felt so much love for him. I began to weep, but not with sadness. With joy, because I knew in my heart I would be with him at the end. Somehow I felt like we are supposed to die together, but I didn't feel as much "sureness" about that as the other visions. I got a large metal briefcase in my room, and began filling it with things I though he might need before he went to his death. Sunblock, sandals, leatherman, water, etc. etc., etc. I grabbed and old concordance he gave me previously, and opened it. In it, was a picture of a place in the mountains that looked like it was near that cabin hospital, only with deep snow everywhere. It was so glorious. The feeling I had. I was weeping with peace that comes from loves happy endings. God's endings.

Then I "saw" my best friend (71 year old woman part Native American) near the border of my state and Arizona. There were many native americans in that area. There was a group she knew and was close to in God's love. However, some of them would not accept people like me who were not of their race or tribe. My best friend became the "mediator" between their race and other people's race as God did work in that area. She cared for people out in the middle of nowhere, where all there was , was dirt. She was happy there, because she knew she was doing God's will. Somehow I felt linked to all of this. Like God loved me, and I was going to be a part of it all.

I've tried to hang on to these visions, but it's been so difficult. At the time, I had so much peace, confidence, joy, and assurance, that NOTHING on earth could have made me doubt God about ANYTHING!! That's just how amazing it was. And then some. The benzo damage I have and the remaining continued use of benzos causes me to doubt EVERYTING SPIRITUAL EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE... but this week of April 27, 2018 something special happened... that destroyed all my doubts for at least a month or more !! There were other ways God spoke to me and gave me peace and assurance and contentment and fearless courage that week. I hung on to it for quite a while. Then as time passed, I began to doubt again (as the benzo damage effects took over once more). As I would fall in and out of good conscience..., it would hack at my faith. It was so glorious, that it would be incomprehensible for that to be real for a person messed up so bad on benzos like me. Perhaps I had gone too far. Perhaps I had missed this plan or event that might take place in my life and the life of others in the future ?

The benzo lying mind is incomprehensibly powerful !! The ONLY thing that have ever overcome it at times is my faith in my God. To believe the opposite of what we currently, feel, see, and know.

So in the midst of all these experiences with God and benzos and being sick and going through the traumas of life's hardships... even the worst ones.... I want you to know that God knew I needed to experience that at that particular time in my life. He knew exactly what I needed. So even if I fall into doubt (as I always will because of my condition from benzos unless I am healed), I have to try to believe that God has and is still keeping me for himself.... with a happy ending. No matter what my own human benzo lying mind tells me all day every day. These lies build up major anxiety and depression. It's like you lose part of yourself every time you hear one. I considered not believing those mind's eye visions were real and from God and for ME. I felt like I lost that experience FOREVER. I still have a choice now, whether or not to believe these things or not to this very day. The victory that overcomes the world of doubts in my benzo brain is my faith. Then, my elder shared a verse with me on the way to Ruidoso, when I shared my feelings about my "mind's eye" visions. This is the verse he gave me:

Proverbs 22:28 Remove not the ancient landmark, which thy fathers have set.

He told me that those visions can be thought of as "an ancient landmark" or place of great importance to mark a time in my history or where I am at in my relationship with my God and that God does not want me to remove that from my faith. He wants me to hold on to it no matter what. I guess that's what overcoming the benzo brain is all about. Enduring in faith til the end of my life.

Another text that has helped me along the way regarding this topic in the benzo battle is this one which in my view... describes and emphasizes that I have a CHOICE as to WHAT DEGREE I am going to believe and have faith in those things which God shows me and helps me with:

Matthew 9:29 Then touched he their eyes, saying, According to your faith be it unto you.

In my view... that text is telling me that how I think about these things and to the degree I choose to KEEP believing them and never letting them go... eventually... they will happen... and I will be encouraged by what I continue to choose to believe that God has encouraged me with regardless of how intense and real the doubts that come and go all the time are.

I know that we all have gone through a very long journey of hell on earth up to now... at least those of us who have had a agonizing benzo journey thus far... Things have become so hard and painful, that I confess to you all that there have been times when I thought my love for other people was growing cold. During those times, I ask God to not let it grow cold. I just want to encourage you all, that if you know you've had any type of good experience with God, that you don't have to doubt it anymore. You can go back and rebuild that "ancient landmark" in your life. You can hold it forever. Even til you die. I have a choice whether or not to believe things...again... AFTER benzos steal my faith in them and in God. I can choose to believe God is good and those doubts no matter how real they really are... are temporary... and faith will return if I keep on trying to believe and hold on to those experiences that have brought me the most hope and relief during benzowithdrawals and use... on my 12 year journey (and counting) so far.

I realized that on this benzo journey... as time goes on... ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE AFFECTED BY PAST, PRESENT, OR RECOVERY of benzos... that it is becoming more and more difficult to hold on to those experiences like the ones you mentioned, T. Thank you for sharing those wonderful experiences you've had with your God. It's so difficult to hold on to them... especially when our condition continually goes up and down on a regular basis. It all seems in vain many times over and over because I find myself working with all that is within me each day... only to wake up sick in mind and body... and having to begin the fight for faith each day over and over again. I begin to wonder... if the faith I worked so hard for the previous day was real... because it completely disappears within the next 24 hours. This is why I feel it is so important for those injured so badly from benzos... to make a firm decision to HOLD ON to all of those things we can that we experience with God. Even when there is no hope or I think I may have been deceived by my own mind... paranoid that benzos have damaged me so badly... that those "good things" that I experienced with God were never really real... it must be the benzos lying to me about good things from God. I am beginning to realize that is part of what faith is about. Believing when it is most difficult to believe... or seemingly impossible. In spite of how hopeless or depressed I may feel or how sick and weak I may feel. The benzo mind... in my opinion makes it impossible to continually believe things non stop regardless of the circumstances. At least that is how I feel after 30 years of benzos and meds and several CT's and tapers. I always need to be reassured by God continually. Unfortunately... this does not happen nearly as often as I would like it to... because God is building a stronger faith in me. In us. I believe you are right, T... I think he is and will continue to do this until we are delivered.... and when that day comes when we are delivered... it will come by surprise... just like all the other times when God gave us assurance. We were not expecting it. We didn't see it coming. We didn't know how or when those times would come. We didn't know which door would open... or when or even why at times. We just stayed ready. Looking. Waiting. Desperate. Hoping when there is no hope. The times in between when we became discouraged beyond description...have been many... and there will be many more such times to come. Many are the afflictions of those striving to be righteous... but the LORD delivers them who are striving... out of them ALL. All the way to the LAST ONE !! You and I both know how deep the pain and doubts and hopelessness can go. It cannot be put into words. Yes... even with God in our lives.

Since I believe God is near to me when my heart is broken... and my spirit crushed... I ask myself, "Why is my heart broken and my spirit crushed most of the time ?" Then I thought to myself... "I think it is because I keep working up faith by love daily... only to be brought back down to the place I was before... or even a worse place... the very next day." In other words, T... I think it is the "many afflictions" that are causing my heart to be broken and sick... from hope delayed. I think it is the many afflictions that are causing my spirit to be crushed every day. It's like benzos have become my "many afflictions." T... we can KNOW that we will both be delivered from what benzos have done to us... because benzos are giving us many afflictions... and God tells you and I that he will deliver us out of them ALL !! In order for that to happen... in order for us to be delivered out of ALL of our afflictions... we must be delivered from benzos themselves and the damage they have done. Wow. Amazing. You have amazing stories to tell about afflictions... and the times "in between" when God gave you something to hold on to to get you to the next one. So we can believe in those things he has told us or showed us in the past. We can choose to never let them go. They are ammunition against the doubts in between trials. We must not waste any of the ammunition he gives us. We must "save" it all up for the big battle "at the end." We must continue to share in tears and pain... knowing that more good things are coming from a good God. We must continue to believe in the goodness of God in the land of the living... so that we do not quit !! So we don't give up !! It's the goodness of God that keeps us going. So we remember and embrace the "landmarks" and try to forget the pain. We try to look before us at what is in front of us and pay attention so that we can see the things God puts in front of us... to help us endure... and keep enduring.

Remember the "mind's eye" visions I spoke of earlier in this text ? About the rainbow and the mountains, cabins, kids, kite, green field ? Remember what I saw in my "mind's eye" ? A rainbow in a cloud. Wow. I was elated for an entire month after that happened. That was the most powerful landmark God has ever given me. It has helped me through some of the worst of my sufferings since it happened... from April of 2018 until this very day. I can't imagine how I would feel now... had I not had that experience. In fact... I felt I almost lost or removed that landmark so to speak. I began to doubt so much and be so dismayed and discouraged that I couldn't believe that those "mind's eye" visions were genuinely real and from God. Our own minds can be so real and convincing... especially when we trust what our minds are telling us !! Go back now to January of 2020. It was my birthday. I was empty and depressed more than usual... and I felt I had lost all hope that those mind's eye experiences were even real... or maybe just perhaps my imagination from sleep deprivation or God knows what. So my friend who helps me sometimes... who is my best friend... comes over to take me to Walmart to do a little shopping on my birthday and to eat lunch there at Subway. I was so down. So dismayed. I felt so lost. I can't even describe it. It was VERY cloudy that day. Not cloudy very often where I live. It wasn't raining where we were, but I could tell, it was raining in some parts of the city by looking up at the clouds.

I get in the car... and she hands me a birthday card. She asked me to read it on the way to Walmart so I did. I opened the envelope and took out the card. On the front of the card was a beautiful scene. Mountains. A cabin... Clouds. A kid flying a kite on a grassy field near the big cabin... just like the vision I had. There was even a cloud up above everything. It was beautiful. I had been praying the previous weeks asking God to renew my mind with hope about all those things he showed me. As I looked at the card... I realized it closely matched the vision I had. I became excited and I could feel life coming back into me. Then I looked at the card again... and noticed there was no rainbow. I became discouraged again immediately. That's what the benzo brain does. Then as we turned the corner to go to Walmart... I looked up at the clouds in the real sky where we were. Right in front of me up high in the clouds was a rainbow !! At that moment, I realized that God surprised me and saved the best part of my birthday present for last. He completed the matched painting on the front of the card with the missing rainbow... with one of his REAL ones. The picture on the card had now become complete... God painted me a rainbow. Needless to say, I had a happy birthday that day. I realized that if I pay attention...eventually... he will help me in due time as he sees fit to keep me going until the next trial or deliverance.

I'm reminded of what he said, "according to your faith.... be it unto you." After I have suffered a while... THEN the "settling" comes. I think if it all came quick and easy... with no doubting or waiting... or suffering... then my faith would remain weak and would not grow. T... it is obvious to me that God is helping us in a similar manner although apples and oranges. Another wonderful witness for us both. Thank you so much for sharing those stories with me. I wish to read them again....and share more with you also. I want to meditate on the things that happened to you and glean on them. It's been real rough. I hope we can continue to share with each other here our real life experiences that have helped us both get thus far in spite of what benzos have done to us. I appreciate you putting forth the effort to share things with me. You have no idea how much what you have shared here has encouraged me.

In closing... I leave you with this thought:

Just like it seemed we were in a dream... and completely caught off guard when all these good things happened to us.... I believe our deliverance from captivity will come the same way. Instantly as in a dream. Surrreal. Joy. Unbelievable !! God only needs one second to deliver us. I believe in his timing and order. We will someday be like others who were delivered in the past by God... and felt like they, too, were in a dream.

within the context of this letter to TrustGod828...

Psalm 126:1-6 A Song of degrees. When the LORD turned again the captivity of Zion, WE WERE LIKE THEM THAT DREAM. Then was our mouth filled with laughter, and our tongue with singing: then said they ..., The LORD hath done great things for them. The LORD hath done great things for us; whereof we are glad. Turn again our captivity, O LORD, as the streams in the south. They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. He that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed, SHALL DOUBTLESS COME AGAIN with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.

Kindly,

j

PS - I would love to hear from you (or anyone else) about any other real life experiences past or present. I believe they bring hope n strength during benzo use n withdrawal n post withdrawal.)

Edit: Reduced font.

June 11, 2021

J,

Today the Lord prompted me to go into BB and see if anyone responded to any of my posts. I am so glad I did! Thank you so much for sharing your experience and encouragement. I felt the Spirit of God as I read your post and felt so much elation and joy (still do) after reading how he spoke to you through the five heads of the cactus and the mind’s eye vision/card/ real rainbow! WOW! I had chills reading this! God has told you how special you are to him and that he has you until he lifts these many afflictions from you! This brought me so much encouragement too!

I couldn’t agree more about your thoughts on suffering. God has purpose through it for us. For ourselves, and for others. It is our faith that is stretched so that we can grow closer to God and give him glory at the end, sharing the testimony of our suffering and deliverance and his faithful strengthening through the middle. Thank you for sharing about your doubt in the dark days. I too have crisis of faith when I am set back to 0 or even -10 after a day 4,5,6, or even a 7. His ways are higher than ours, but in my limited ability to understand him (unless he directs me to have wisdom about this) I would think the same as you, that he is developing our spiritual fortitude and faith.

I really need to reread your post a few times to process and unpack all the wisdom and encouragement that is within…

I’ll be glad to share more on this thread as I hear more from God and I hope you and anyone else reading this does too. All are welcome!

T

June 16, 2021

J,

Today the Lord prompted me to go into BB and see if anyone responded to any of my posts. I am so glad I did! Thank you so much for sharing your experience and encouragement. I felt the Spirit of God as I read your post and felt so much elation and joy (still do) after reading how he spoke to you through the five heads of the cactus and the mind’s eye vision/card/ real rainbow! WOW! I had chills reading this! God has told you how special you are to him and that he has you until he lifts these many afflictions from you! This brought me so much encouragement too!

I couldn’t agree more about your thoughts on suffering. God has purpose through it for us. For ourselves, and for others. It is our faith that is stretched so that we can grow closer to God and give him glory at the end, sharing the testimony of our suffering and deliverance and his faithful strengthening through the middle. Thank you for sharing about your doubt in the dark days. I too have crisis of faith when I am set back to 0 or even -10 after a day 4,5,6, or even a 7. His ways are higher than ours, but in my limited ability to understand him (unless he directs me to have wisdom about this) I would think the same as you, that he is developing our spiritual fortitude and faith.

I really need to reread your post a few times to process and unpack all the wisdom and encouragement that is within…

I’ll be glad to share more on this thread as I hear more from God and I hope you and anyone else reading this does too. All are welcome!

T

T

Thanks for the feedback n encouragement. As I was meditating on this last reply to me, I was thinking... "I wonder why more people don't share their real life experiences that may have helped them or encouraged them during benzo use or withdrawals ?" I do long to read here of more experiences of others or events that others have experienced to help them on this journey. Then it occurred to me.... you and I are among the few who have actually been experiencing these kinds of experiences and events that we know are from God.

This has caused me to realize how blessed and privileged we are to be among the few who have experienced such amazing things. God knows what each one of us needs to make it on our journey... and I'm so glad that he has gone to the lengths he has to reach us... and help us when we needed it the most. I can only pray that will continue. I must confess... I'm in a very dark and difficult place right now.

You are the only person I know who has experienced such similar things as I have from God on your benzo journey. I am so grateful that at least one other person experienced similar things as I have... because it has helped to validate and solidify and hold on to my own experiences or "landmarks" as we say on this journey. T ... I consider YOU to be one of "those experiences" on my journey... which God has used to help me with my doubting about these experiences or landmarks. By the mouth of two or three witnesses... let every word be established. We either believe those words or we don't. We either believe and hold onto what we have experienced or we don't... so that fact that you or I could do this under the circumstances of the benzo hell... is a miracle in and of itself and testifies of the grace of God deeply to me.

I believe often our "benzo brains" are constantly wanting and searching for more. More answers. More validation. More reasons to stop doubting. More comfort. This drug has caused my soul to "refuse to be comforted." I'm so glad God understands this and helps us anyway by some sort of assurance whether it be comfort or not... or just some other way... like a Rainbow !!

From Psalm 77 - In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord: my sore ran in the night, and ceased not: my soul refused to be comforted. I call to remembrance my song in the night: I commune with mine own heart: and my spirit made diligent search. (searching for that which would comfort my soul... but it refused to be comforted: THE BENZO EXPERIENCE) Hath God forgotten to be gracious ? And I said, This is my infirmity: but I will remember the years of the right hand of the most High. I will remember the works of the LORD: surely I will remember thy wonders of old. I will meditate also of all thy work, and talk of thy doings.

It's so awesome !! That is exactly what you and I are doing, T. We are communing with our own hearts and searching with our spirits... that which will bring us hope and strength and comfort to enable us to endure this journey. I believe that is what the writer of Psalm 77 did. The way he coped with his soul "refusing to be comforted"... is he remembered that it's HIS CONDITION (his infirmity) that was causing his soul to refuse to be comforted. Then he chose to remember all the years of walking with God and the amazing things of the past he experienced with God. He talked about them... just like you and I are, T. He meditated on them... just like you and I do, T. I bet he had someone else who was experiencing the same thing that God brought across his path so that they could both find comfort in what God has, is, and will do in the future. Wow !! We truly do go through pain and comfort for the sake of comforting others the same way God comforts us. I feel like that is what God has been doing with you and I to a degree with the landmarks.

Sacred texts within the context of this dialogue:

Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. (like landmark experiences or events)

And whether we be afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effectual in the enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer: or whether we be comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation. And our hope of you is stedfast, knowing, that as ye are partakers of the sufferings, so shall ye be also of the consolation. (sounds like a guarantee, huh ? )

Kindly,

j

June 17, 2021

When I was a tapering I would wake up with Cortisol surging and be in a panic. I told a friend about this and she recommended I do my study 1st thing when I woke up.

I study A Course in Miracles which has a workbook with 365 lessons.

I would grab that 1st thing and do the day’s lesson. I may not have retained much but it grounded me and helped me think of something besides how uncomfortable my body was.

June 18, 2021

When I was a tapering I would wake up with Cortisol surging and be in a panic. I told a friend about this and she recommended I do my study 1st thing when I woke up.
I study A Course in Miracles which has a workbook with 365 lessons.
I would grab that 1st thing and do the day’s lesson. I may not have retained much but it grounded me and helped me think of something besides how uncomfortable my body was.

et

That’s great… to find anything that can truly help keep the mind off things is so valuable… to even be able to learn or distract. I’m finding it more and more difficult to be able to do so.

Kindly,

j

June 18, 2021

When I was a tapering I would wake up with Cortisol surging and be in a panic. I told a friend about this and she recommended I do my study 1st thing when I woke up.
I study A Course in Miracles which has a workbook with 365 lessons.
I would grab that 1st thing and do the day’s lesson. I may not have retained much but it grounded me and helped me think of something besides how uncomfortable my body was.

et

That’s great… to find anything that can truly help keep the mind off things is so valuable… to even be able to learn or distract. I’m finding it more and more difficult to be able to do so.

Kindly,
j

Same here, jj. Though, Bible reading, sermons, and prayer are what get me through. But there are days when even that is hard.

June 20, 2021

I hope I can express this cohesively. I had severe clinical suicidal depression for years. I'm not suicidal anymore since turning to God 2-plus years ago. I'm not sure if it was caused by benzos or recreational drugs.

The way I dealt with it was by mentally going deep into the emotional pain and feeling it to its fullest. It helped me to be less afraid of it, and sometimes it would go away after feeling it as deeply as possible. I think it's part of the Sedona Method.

I've also used this with migraines. I'd feel it to its fullest and find the spot where it hurt the most and focus on it. Before using this method, I was terrified of migraines. Now I can honestly say I've made friends with them. They're so frequent (3-plus days a week), I might as well be friends with them, LOL.

Anyhoo, I hope this can help someone out there.

Edit: Removed bold

June 21, 2021

I hope I can express this cohesively. I had severe clinical suicidal depression for years. I'm not suicidal anymore since turning to God 2-plus years ago. I'm not sure if it was caused by benzos or recreational drugs.

The way I dealt with it was by mentally going deep into the emotional pain and feeling it to its fullest. It helped me to be less afraid of it, and sometimes it would go away after feeling it as deeply as possible. I think it's part of the Sedona Method.

I've also used this with migraines. I'd feel it to its fullest and find the spot where it hurt the most and focus on it. Before using this method, I was terrified of migraines. Now I can honestly say I've made friends with them. They're so frequent (3-plus days a week), I might as well be friends with them, LOL.

Anyhoo, I hope this can help someone out there.

Edit: Removed bold

Glad that method helps you, Glittering1... and glad to hear you are no longer suidical. Like you... I used to be suicidal, too... simply from not being able to cope with the suffering... and like you... God helped me from that. However, in my case... I didn't really feel like it was a spiritual issue... to me, it was just too much mental and physical suffering to cope with. After the suffering I experienced for several years that way... it caused me to see those who are suicidal in a different light. I believe God understands when the suffering is too great... and why some people do it cause they can't help it. Although I realize in what you and I believe... we are supposed to "live to God" or "die to God" so obviously, God doesn't want it to happen. Limited sacred texts are permitted here, so I'll use a scripture that I got some of those thoughts from... and at the same time... a scripture that always helps put my mind at ease when I am not currently able to do what I believe God wants me to do.

For whether we live, we live unto the Lord; and whether we die, we die unto the Lord: whether we live therefore, or die, we are the Lord's. For if there be first a willing mind, it is accepted according to that a man hath, and not according to that he hath not.

I hope neither one of us ever has to go through any of that kind of suffering again.

Kindly,

j

Real Life Experiences or Events that Helped Encourage You During Benzo Use

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