Real Life Experiences or Events that Helped Encourage You During Benzo Use

[[Gl...]]

I hope I can express this cohesively.  I had severe clinical suicidal depression for years.  I'm not suicidal anymore since turning to God 2-plus years ago.  I'm not sure if it was caused by benzos or recreational drugs.

 

The way I dealt with it was by mentally going deep into the emotional pain and feeling it to its fullest.  It helped me to be less afraid of it, and sometimes it would go away after feeling it as deeply as possible.  I think it's part of the Sedona Method.

 

I've also used this with migraines.  I'd feel it to its fullest and find the spot where it hurt the most and focus on it.  Before using this method, I was terrified of migraines.  Now I can honestly say I've made friends with them.  They're so frequent (3-plus days a week), I might as well be friends with them, LOL.

 

Anyhoo, I hope this can help someone out there.

 

 

Edit: Removed bold

 

Glad that method helps you, Glittering1... and glad to hear you are no longer suidical.  Like you... I used to be suicidal, too... simply from not being able to cope with the suffering... and like you... God helped me from that.  However, in my case... I didn't really feel like it was a spiritual issue... to me, it was just too much mental and physical suffering to cope with.  After the suffering I experienced for several years that way... it caused me to see those who are suicidal in a different light.  I believe God understands when the suffering is too great... and why some people do it cause they can't help it.  Although I realize in what you and I believe... we are supposed to "live to God" or "die to God" so obviously, God doesn't want it to happen.  Limited sacred texts are permitted here, so I'll use a scripture that I got some of those thoughts from... and at the same time... a scripture that always helps put my mind at ease when I am not currently able to do what I believe God wants me to do.

 

For whether we live, we live unto the Lord; and whether we die, we die unto the Lord: whether we live therefore, or die, we are the Lord's.  For if there be first a willing mind, it is accepted according to that a man hath, and not according to that he hath not.

 

I hope neither one of us ever has to go through any of that kind of suffering again.

 

 

Kindly,

j

 

 

 

Thanks for sharing this, JJ.  I'm so sorry you had those feelings too, and there's really no worse place to be in one's head than suicidal.  I wish you never had to go through that. What you said about seeing suicidal people in a different light now is true for me as well.  We have more empathy and compassion for what they're going through.  I tell them to put it off for today, which is what got me through, as I didn't know God at the time. I'd make plans and then put them off.  Hope that's not TMI.  It's all in the spirit of being vulnerable.

 

Wow, I know you've shared that verse before, but it's really what I needed to hear right now.  THANK YOU!  I'm adding it to the verses that help me with doubts about the big S, lol.

[[Jo...]]

J,

 

Today the Lord prompted me to go into BB and see if anyone responded to any of my posts. I am so glad I did! Thank you so much for sharing your experience and encouragement. I felt the Spirit of God as I read your post and felt so much elation and joy (still do) after reading how he spoke to you through the five heads of the cactus and the mind’s eye vision/card/ real rainbow! WOW! I had chills reading this! God has told you how special you are to him and that he has you until he lifts these many afflictions from you! This brought me so much encouragement too!

 

I couldn’t agree more about your thoughts on suffering. God has purpose through it for us. For ourselves, and for others. It is our faith that is stretched so that we can grow closer to God and give him glory at the end, sharing the testimony of our suffering and deliverance and his faithful strengthening through the middle. Thank you for sharing about your doubt in the dark days. I too have crisis of faith when I am set back to 0 or even -10 after a day 4,5,6, or even a 7. His ways are higher than ours, but in my limited ability to understand him (unless he directs me to have wisdom about this) I would think the same as you, that he is developing our spiritual fortitude and faith.

 

I really need to reread your post a few times to process and unpack all the wisdom and encouragement that is within…

 

I’ll be glad to share more on this thread as I hear more from God and I hope you and anyone else reading this does too. All are welcome!

 

T

 

 

___________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

T

 

 

Thanks for the feedback n encouragement.  As I was meditating on this last reply to me, I was thinking... "I wonder why more people don't share their real life experiences that may have helped them or encouraged them during benzo use or withdrawals ?"  I do long to read here of more experiences of others or events that others have experienced to help them on this journey.  Then it occurred to me.... you and I are among the few who have actually been experiencing these kinds of experiences and events that we know are from God.

 

This has caused me to realize how blessed and privileged we are to be among the few who have experienced such amazing things.  God knows what each one of us needs to make it on our journey... and I'm so glad that he has gone to the lengths he has to reach us... and help us when we needed it the most.  I can only pray that will continue.  I must confess... I'm in a very dark and difficult place right now.

 

You are the only person I know who has experienced such similar things as I have from God on your benzo journey.  I am so grateful that at least one other person experienced similar things as I have... because it has helped to validate and solidify and hold on to my own experiences or "landmarks" as we say on this journey.  T ... I consider YOU to be one of "those experiences" on my journey... which God has used to help me with my doubting about these experiences or landmarks.  By the mouth of two or three witnesses... let every word be established.  We either believe those words or we don't.  We either believe and hold onto what we have experienced or we don't... so that fact that you or I could do this under the circumstances of the benzo hell... is a miracle in and of itself and testifies of the grace of God deeply to me. 

 

I believe often our "benzo brains" are constantly wanting and searching for more.  More answers.  More validation.  More reasons to stop doubting.  More comfort.  This drug has caused my soul to "refuse to be comforted."  I'm so glad God understands this and helps us anyway by some sort of assurance whether it be comfort or not... or just some other way... like a Rainbow !!

 

From Psalm 77 - In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord: my sore ran in the night, and ceased not: my soul refused to be comforted.  I call to remembrance my song in the night: I commune with mine own heart: and my spirit made diligent search. (searching for that which would comfort my soul... but it refused to be comforted:  THE BENZO EXPERIENCE)  Hath God forgotten to be gracious ?  And I said, This is my infirmity: but I will remember the years of the right hand of the most High.  I will remember the works of the LORD: surely I will remember thy wonders of old.  I will meditate also of all thy work, and talk of thy doings.

 

It's so awesome !!  That is exactly what you and I are doing, T.  We are communing with our own hearts and searching  with our spirits... that which will bring us hope and strength and comfort to enable us to endure this journey.  I believe that is what the writer of Psalm 77 did.  The way he coped with his soul "refusing to be comforted"... is he remembered that it's HIS CONDITION (his infirmity) that was causing his soul to refuse to be comforted.  Then he chose to remember all the years of walking with God and the amazing things of the past he experienced with God.  He talked about them... just like you and I are, T.  He meditated on them... just like you and I do, T.  I bet he had someone else who was experiencing the same thing that God brought across his path so that they could both find comfort in what God has, is, and will do in the future.  Wow !!  We truly do go through pain and comfort for the sake of comforting others the same way God comforts us.  I feel like that is what God has been doing with you and I to a degree with the landmarks.

 

Sacred texts within the context of this dialogue:

 

Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. (like landmark experiences or events)

And whether we be afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effectual in the enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer: or whether we be comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation.  And our hope of you is stedfast, knowing, that as ye are partakers of the sufferings, so shall ye be also of the consolation. (sounds like a guarantee, huh ?  )

 

 

 

Kindly,

j

 

___________________________________________________________________________________

 

T

 

 

I have another landmark to share with you.  It happened today (June 20th Father's Day).

 

I live in a studio apartment on the top floor of a 4 story apartment.  I've been here since December 3, 2018.  During that time... I have only seen the neighbor who lives next to me on the north side only ONCE.  That was about 2 weeks ago (ish).  I had seen him by the elevator or in the elevator I can't remember... and he seemed like a nice easy going guy.  We have rules here.  Quiet hours are from 7am to 10pm.  I have followed those rules to the T.  (pun intended)  Point is... I have never given this man any reason to be upset with me or want to hurt me in a violent way.  After I had to go to 5mg on my Valium due to permanent akathisia, I became much more sick and tired.  So much so... words cannot explain it.  Point here is... when I left here to go to my Dad's house today... I barely made it out of the door I felt so weak and sick and the mental really bad, too.

 

Rewind to this morning.  I was so sick and depressed (still am) that I was desperate and hopeless again.  I remembered what you prayed to God about show me a sign... like mess with the electronics, phone, etc. flicking lights, you name it.  I prayed something like "God... please, if you are still with me and for me... show me an OBVIOUS sign like you did with T.  I just said God... you could even break something or cause it not to work as long as it's not something really important that can't be fixed again."  (I wasn't like you were... I cared about stuff being broken that was truly valuable).  So a few hours later when my Dad showed up waiting down in the parking lot to pick me up...I left out the door and my neighbor to the north was all messed up and very upset.  Immediately after I got outside the front door he was yelling at me and threatening me...and blocking me from going to the elevator.  I thought to myself.... I need to go back inside my apartment before this escalates and call my Dad and let him know why I am not downstairs yet.  Before I went back in I looked at the man and said in a soft kind voice, "Hi, how are you doing today ?  Are you doing ok ?"  He didn't attack me... but I sure thought he would... and believe he almost did.  He even threw something on the ground and told me to pick it up like he was setting a trap for me.

 

I went back in and called my dad and let him know what was going on.  My Dad (on father's day) flipped out and got angry and told me he's coming right up !!  I told him no !!  So then I immediately left and got into the elevator as I could still hear him having a fit of sorts and throwing things outside of his apartment.  I rushed to the elevator and made it to the bottom floor where my Dad was waiting just outside of the elevator !!  Needless to say, it took quite a while before father's day started doing ok again.  At least two hours.  I was sad and frustrated and tired and even somewhat angry... because it made me upset that I no longer felt comfortable going in and out of my own apartment.  I had an experience outside here on the street already where I was jumped for no reason, and my ribs bruised and my pelvis injured, too.  It took me 6 months to heal from all that.  I also had to take edible cannabis cuz I had nothing else for the terrible pain.  I was very depressed and upset and sad coming home thinking about what happened... and how it made me feel worse and much more sick because of my severe condition from 30 years of benzos and other meds.  When I got home I discovered that there were all kinds of blankets and clothes scattered in the hallway outside this man's door and by the elevator.  When I came inside my apartment after I got home, I remembered that my garbage disposal stopped working this morning !!

 

God answered my prayer !!  He made something I didn't care much about break !!  (something that God willing can easily be fixed by the maintenance man)  If you recall, the prayer was for that to show me he is with me... and is for me.  I was so stressed and depressed today... I had forgotten that prayer... and I had forgotten that my disposal had broke right before I left today.  I called the maintenance man without thinking about it... and after I got off the phone I remembered my prayer and thought about the garbage disposal breaking.  T... I just wanted to share that with you... hoping that God might also bring you more encouragement.  I hope and pray you and your family are well... and hope to hear from you how you are doing.  Not sure you already figured it out... but a copy of my last reply to you that you have not read yet (to my knowledge) is above here on this post along with your last post to me.

 

I got to thinking if there was any scripture related to this incident that might encourage me.  Here is the one that came to mind:  (since I am now uneasy about coming in and out of my apartment)

 

Lay not wait, O wicked man, against the dwelling of the righteous; spoil not his resting place:

The God of my rock; in him will I trust: he is my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge, my saviour; thou savest me from violence.

 

I am very thankful that God saved me from violence today.  This is another time God helped me and encouraged me in my feeble condition from 30 years of benzos.  My fight or flight was already maxed out before the event even occurred.  When it happened, I felt so stressed out I thought it might even kill me.

 

 

Kindly,

j

 

 

[[Jo...]]

I’m bumping this up to include some info on this thread I forgot to include… when I originally posted it.

 

Although the experiences and events that I have posted here are mostly spiritual ones… I consider them to be real life and true.  However… for all those who have had real life experience n events take place that helped or are helping you in benzo use or withdrawals… that are NOT spiritual… please feel more than comfortable posting them here on this thread.  This thread is not intended to be limited to the spiritual only.

 

By NOT doing so… someone might miss out on the exact encouragement they need.  Thanks !!

 

 

Kindly,

j

[[Gl...]]

This is more general experience than a specific one, and maybe it's already been written here.  My benzo brain can't remember.

 

I believe the Lord is in control of everything, and that he allows suffering for purposes, which we're likely unable to comprehend. Experiences of suffering teach us a lot if we let them.  Some that we can comprehend are:

 

endurance

compassion

empathy

humility

faith

hope

character building

patience

experience

strength

spiritual maturity

confident assurance

purified heart 

submission to God (humility)

 

Knowing this gives me gratitude for suffering, although usually in hindsight.

Feel free to add to the list.

[[Jo...]]

bump

[[...]]

I can't wait to contribute to this thread when I have the time. This is the most inspirational thread I'm seen on the board!

 

Thank you all for being vulnerable and brave to write your personal experiences. This gives me hope.

 

 

For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.

 

 

[[Jo...]]

I can't wait to contribute to this thread when I have the time. This is the most inspirational thread I'm seen on the board!

 

Thank you all for being vulnerable and brave to write your personal experiences. This gives me hope.

 

 

For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.

 

Wow !!   

[[...]]

When I was a child my mother meant the world to me and I would lie in bed having early iterations of panic that if my mom would die for some reason life would be unbearable. At the time she was the only person that made me feel safe and for that matter the only person that was there for me. Fast forward to my twenties I started to have panic attacks on airplanes so I got a prescription for Xanax, and to my surprise it was extremely helpful, of course this led to more reasons to take it, even for minor stressful event. No one ever warned me about any adverse effects or withdrawal. This lead to my first c/t with acute psychosis which lead to a diagnosis of bipolar disorder that just was w/d symptoms of the benzo. This lead to insomnia then back onto a benzo, Clonazepam this time.

 

Fast forward my mom gets breast cancer leading to surgery and chemotherapy. The steroids they give with chemotherapy gave her extreme panic and this was very similar to what I had gone through. At the time I was an unbeliever and this was very unsettling to me. She recovered and resumed a normal life for the next three years until it came back as stage four breast cancer. I had become a believer during this period and my mom moved into a small studio my wife and I had built for her in our home around two years before she had the cancer come back. I took on the roll of her advocate with regards to her ongoing treatments. I was shocked and horrified at the inadequacy of the medical system and how she was treated and misdiagnosed . Little to my knowledge God was there all along with a plan for her salvation. Thanks to the prayers of people who loved my mom. She had gotten so week we had her admitted to a cancer hospital. At this point there was nothing they could do for her, she was week and deteriorating very fast. My mother had a deep seeded hatred for God, Im sure her difficult life lead to anger that God was not there for her. When anybody mentioned God and she would just loose it. My sister is a Catholic and we wanted more then anything a sign that she would make peace with God to enter the next world, and that's exactly what we got!

 

My sister and I were praying in the car in the parking lot of the hospital and my sister was insisting we get a priest and I knew in my heart my mother would have mustered the energy to physically throw the priest out of her hospital room. This is when I got a overwhelming confidence that God was going to honor our prayers for a miracle. It seemed so simple and obvious to me at the moment, I told my sister if you pray for Gods will and believe without doubting that it will come to pass, like the story of the centurion  in Matthew chapter 8. I was shocked my sister didn't know what I was talking I felt so certain. We then proceeded to go up to her hospital room and my aunt was there that's self described herself as witch, and from Salem Massachusetts for that matter were I grew up.

 

When we got up to her hospital room my mom was asleep with extremely labored breathing. I had this impulse to text our neighbors Danielle that cared for my mother very much and has a very strong faith. I let her know she needs to come see my mom before she passes and she responded by saying oh I'll come in the next couple of days. Well God had different plans for her that day. Next thing we know she shows up and flys into the room and start praying into my mothers ear right in front of my aunt. Next think we know the hospice social worker was taking us for a meeting to make plans for my mom last days. We were 15 minutes into the meeting when my aunt runs in saying your mom stoped breathing, so we rushed in and Danielle crying with a curious smile on her face, it was a face of joy. I asked what happened, she responded I told your mom to go to Jesus he loves you and and needs you to say YES. My mother turned to her and a tear ran down my mother cheek, that of course was the yes. Even at the eleventh hour God showed everyone in that room he was real. The peace that came over me was overwhelming and inexpressible. God is so merciful and true to his word. I've realized that God teaches me how to be more like his son and wait with patience for his perfect will. He's never let me down, all he needs is my free will to say yes. I was already over twenty years of benzo use when this took place. Thanks for reading all this! Godspeed.

[[Be...]]

TMH, that was nice that your mom got to know Jesus before she died.

[[Jo...]]

When I was a child my mother meant the world to me and I would lie in bed having early iterations of panic that if my mom would die for some reason life would be unbearable. At the time she was the only person that made me feel safe and for that matter the only person that was there for me. Fast forward to my twenties I started to have panic attacks on airplanes so I got a prescription for Xanax, and to my surprise it was extremely helpful, of course this led to more reasons to take it, even for minor stressful event. No one ever warned me about any adverse effects or withdrawal. This lead to my first c/t with acute psychosis which lead to a diagnosis of bipolar disorder that just was w/d symptoms of the benzo. This lead to insomnia then back onto a benzo, Clonazepam this time.

 

Fast forward my mom gets breast cancer leading to surgery and chemotherapy. The steroids they give with chemotherapy gave her extreme panic and this was very similar to what I had gone through. At the time I was an unbeliever and this was very unsettling to me. She recovered and resumed a normal life for the next three years until it came back as stage four breast cancer. I had become a believer during this period and my mom moved into a small studio my wife and I had built for her in our home around two years before she had the cancer come back. I took on the roll of her advocate with regards to her ongoing treatments. I was shocked and horrified at the inadequacy of the medical system and how she was treated and misdiagnosed . Little to my knowledge God was there all along with a plan for her salvation. Thanks to the prayers of people who loved my mom. She had gotten so week we had her admitted to a cancer hospital. At this point there was nothing they could do for her, she was week and deteriorating very fast. My mother had a deep seeded hatred for God, Im sure her difficult life lead to anger that God was not there for her. When anybody mentioned God and she would just loose it. My sister is a Catholic and we wanted more then anything a sign that she would make peace with God to enter the next world, and that's exactly what we got!

 

My sister and I were praying in the car in the parking lot of the hospital and my sister was insisting we get a priest and I knew in my heart my mother would have mustered the energy to physically throw the priest out of her hospital room. This is when I got a overwhelming confidence that God was going to honor our prayers for a miracle. It seemed so simple and obvious to me at the moment, I told my sister if you pray for Gods will and believe without doubting that it will come to pass, like the story of the centurion  in Matthew chapter 8. I was shocked my sister didn't know what I was talking I felt so certain. We then proceeded to go up to her hospital room and my aunt was there that's self described herself as witch, and from Salem Massachusetts for that matter were I grew up.

 

When we got up to her hospital room my mom was asleep with extremely labored breathing. I had this impulse to text our neighbors Danielle that cared for my mother very much and has a very strong faith. I let her know she needs to come see my mom before she passes and she responded by saying oh I'll come in the next couple of days. Well God had different plans for her that day. Next thing we know she shows up and flys into the room and start praying into my mothers ear right in front of my aunt. Next think we know the hospice social worker was taking us for a meeting to make plans for my mom last days. We were 15 minutes into the meeting when my aunt runs in saying your mom stoped breathing, so we rushed in and Danielle crying with a curious smile on her face, it was a face of joy. I asked what happened, she responded I told your mom to go to Jesus he loves you and and needs you to say YES. My mother turned to her and a tear ran down my mother cheek, that of course was the yes. Even at the eleventh hour God showed everyone in that room he was real. The peace that came over me was overwhelming and inexpressible. God is so merciful and true to his word. I've realized that God teaches me how to be more like his son and wait with patience for his perfect will. He's never let me down, all he needs is my free will to say yes. I was already over twenty years of benzo use when this took place. Thanks for reading all this! Godspeed.

 

This is so beautiful !!  I want to respond at some point God willing.  My Mom has cancer and also a different potentially fatal lung disease that is different than cancer.

 

 

Kindly,

j

[[...]]

TMH, that was nice that your mom got to know Jesus before she died.

 

Thank you Becksblue, it meant the world to me at the time.

[[...]]

When I was a child my mother meant the world to me and I would lie in bed having early iterations of panic that if my mom would die for some reason life would be unbearable. At the time she was the only person that made me feel safe and for that matter the only person that was there for me. Fast forward to my twenties I started to have panic attacks on airplanes so I got a prescription for Xanax, and to my surprise it was extremely helpful, of course this led to more reasons to take it, even for minor stressful event. No one ever warned me about any adverse effects or withdrawal. This lead to my first c/t with acute psychosis which lead to a diagnosis of bipolar disorder that just was w/d symptoms of the benzo. This lead to insomnia then back onto a benzo, Clonazepam this time.

 

Fast forward my mom gets breast cancer leading to surgery and chemotherapy. The steroids they give with chemotherapy gave her extreme panic and this was very similar to what I had gone through. At the time I was an unbeliever and this was very unsettling to me. She recovered and resumed a normal life for the next three years until it came back as stage four breast cancer. I had become a believer during this period and my mom moved into a small studio my wife and I had built for her in our home around two years before she had the cancer come back. I took on the roll of her advocate with regards to her ongoing treatments. I was shocked and horrified at the inadequacy of the medical system and how she was treated and misdiagnosed . Little to my knowledge God was there all along with a plan for her salvation. Thanks to the prayers of people who loved my mom. She had gotten so week we had her admitted to a cancer hospital. At this point there was nothing they could do for her, she was week and deteriorating very fast. My mother had a deep seeded hatred for God, Im sure her difficult life lead to anger that God was not there for her. When anybody mentioned God and she would just loose it. My sister is a Catholic and we wanted more then anything a sign that she would make peace with God to enter the next world, and that's exactly what we got!

 

My sister and I were praying in the car in the parking lot of the hospital and my sister was insisting we get a priest and I knew in my heart my mother would have mustered the energy to physically throw the priest out of her hospital room. This is when I got a overwhelming confidence that God was going to honor our prayers for a miracle. It seemed so simple and obvious to me at the moment, I told my sister if you pray for Gods will and believe without doubting that it will come to pass, like the story of the centurion  in Matthew chapter 8. I was shocked my sister didn't know what I was talking I felt so certain. We then proceeded to go up to her hospital room and my aunt was there that's self described herself as witch, and from Salem Massachusetts for that matter were I grew up.

 

When we got up to her hospital room my mom was asleep with extremely labored breathing. I had this impulse to text our neighbors Danielle that cared for my mother very much and has a very strong faith. I let her know she needs to come see my mom before she passes and she responded by saying oh I'll come in the next couple of days. Well God had different plans for her that day. Next thing we know she shows up and flys into the room and start praying into my mothers ear right in front of my aunt. Next think we know the hospice social worker was taking us for a meeting to make plans for my mom last days. We were 15 minutes into the meeting when my aunt runs in saying your mom stoped breathing, so we rushed in and Danielle crying with a curious smile on her face, it was a face of joy. I asked what happened, she responded I told your mom to go to Jesus he loves you and and needs you to say YES. My mother turned to her and a tear ran down my mother cheek, that of course was the yes. Even at the eleventh hour God showed everyone in that room he was real. The peace that came over me was overwhelming and inexpressible. God is so merciful and true to his word. I've realized that God teaches me how to be more like his son and wait with patience for his perfect will. He's never let me down, all he needs is my free will to say yes. I was already over twenty years of benzo use when this took place. Thanks for reading all this! Godspeed.

 

This is so beautiful !!  I want to respond at some point God willing.  My Mom has cancer and also a different potentially fatal lung disease that is different than cancer.

 

 

Kindly,

j

 

Thank you Jozef, I'm sorry to hear that you mom has cancer. I pray for a complete recovery God willing.

[[Jo...]]

When I was a child my mother meant the world to me and I would lie in bed having early iterations of panic that if my mom would die for some reason life would be unbearable. At the time she was the only person that made me feel safe and for that matter the only person that was there for me. Fast forward to my twenties I started to have panic attacks on airplanes so I got a prescription for Xanax, and to my surprise it was extremely helpful, of course this led to more reasons to take it, even for minor stressful event. No one ever warned me about any adverse effects or withdrawal. This lead to my first c/t with acute psychosis which lead to a diagnosis of bipolar disorder that just was w/d symptoms of the benzo. This lead to insomnia then back onto a benzo, Clonazepam this time.

 

Fast forward my mom gets breast cancer leading to surgery and chemotherapy. The steroids they give with chemotherapy gave her extreme panic and this was very similar to what I had gone through. At the time I was an unbeliever and this was very unsettling to me. She recovered and resumed a normal life for the next three years until it came back as stage four breast cancer. I had become a believer during this period and my mom moved into a small studio my wife and I had built for her in our home around two years before she had the cancer come back. I took on the roll of her advocate with regards to her ongoing treatments. I was shocked and horrified at the inadequacy of the medical system and how she was treated and misdiagnosed . Little to my knowledge God was there all along with a plan for her salvation. Thanks to the prayers of people who loved my mom. She had gotten so week we had her admitted to a cancer hospital. At this point there was nothing they could do for her, she was week and deteriorating very fast. My mother had a deep seeded hatred for God, Im sure her difficult life lead to anger that God was not there for her. When anybody mentioned God and she would just loose it. My sister is a Catholic and we wanted more then anything a sign that she would make peace with God to enter the next world, and that's exactly what we got!

 

My sister and I were praying in the car in the parking lot of the hospital and my sister was insisting we get a priest and I knew in my heart my mother would have mustered the energy to physically throw the priest out of her hospital room. This is when I got a overwhelming confidence that God was going to honor our prayers for a miracle. It seemed so simple and obvious to me at the moment, I told my sister if you pray for Gods will and believe without doubting that it will come to pass, like the story of the centurion  in Matthew chapter 8. I was shocked my sister didn't know what I was talking I felt so certain. We then proceeded to go up to her hospital room and my aunt was there that's self described herself as witch, and from Salem Massachusetts for that matter were I grew up.

 

When we got up to her hospital room my mom was asleep with extremely labored breathing. I had this impulse to text our neighbors Danielle that cared for my mother very much and has a very strong faith. I let her know she needs to come see my mom before she passes and she responded by saying oh I'll come in the next couple of days. Well God had different plans for her that day. Next thing we know she shows up and flys into the room and start praying into my mothers ear right in front of my aunt. Next think we know the hospice social worker was taking us for a meeting to make plans for my mom last days. We were 15 minutes into the meeting when my aunt runs in saying your mom stoped breathing, so we rushed in and Danielle crying with a curious smile on her face, it was a face of joy. I asked what happened, she responded I told your mom to go to Jesus he loves you and and needs you to say YES. My mother turned to her and a tear ran down my mother cheek, that of course was the yes. Even at the eleventh hour God showed everyone in that room he was real. The peace that came over me was overwhelming and inexpressible. God is so merciful and true to his word. I've realized that God teaches me how to be more like his son and wait with patience for his perfect will. He's never let me down, all he needs is my free will to say yes. I was already over twenty years of benzo use when this took place. Thanks for reading all this! Godspeed.

 

This is so beautiful !!  I want to respond at some point God willing.  My Mom has cancer and also a different potentially fatal lung disease that is different than cancer.

 

 

Kindly,

j

 

Thank you Jozef, I'm sorry to hear that you mom has cancer. I pray for a complete recovery God willing.

 

 

TMH

 

 

Thank you, Kindly.  It's been well over a year and she hasn't even begun any treatments.  She also has a lung disease that can be fatal which requires years of antibiotics.

 

 

Kindly,

j

[[Tr...]]

J,

 

Today the Lord prompted me to go into BB and see if anyone responded to any of my posts. I am so glad I did! Thank you so much for sharing your experience and encouragement. I felt the Spirit of God as I read your post and felt so much elation and joy (still do) after reading how he spoke to you through the five heads of the cactus and the mind’s eye vision/card/ real rainbow! WOW! I had chills reading this! God has told you how special you are to him and that he has you until he lifts these many afflictions from you! This brought me so much encouragement too!

 

I couldn’t agree more about your thoughts on suffering. God has purpose through it for us. For ourselves, and for others. It is our faith that is stretched so that we can grow closer to God and give him glory at the end, sharing the testimony of our suffering and deliverance and his faithful strengthening through the middle. Thank you for sharing about your doubt in the dark days. I too have crisis of faith when I am set back to 0 or even -10 after a day 4,5,6, or even a 7. His ways are higher than ours, but in my limited ability to understand him (unless he directs me to have wisdom about this) I would think the same as you, that he is developing our spiritual fortitude and faith.

 

I really need to reread your post a few times to process and unpack all the wisdom and encouragement that is within…

 

I’ll be glad to share more on this thread as I hear more from God and I hope you and anyone else reading this does too. All are welcome!

 

T

 

 

___________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

T

 

 

Thanks for the feedback n encouragement.  As I was meditating on this last reply to me, I was thinking... "I wonder why more people don't share their real life experiences that may have helped them or encouraged them during benzo use or withdrawals ?"  I do long to read here of more experiences of others or events that others have experienced to help them on this journey.  Then it occurred to me.... you and I are among the few who have actually been experiencing these kinds of experiences and events that we know are from God.

 

This has caused me to realize how blessed and privileged we are to be among the few who have experienced such amazing things.  God knows what each one of us needs to make it on our journey... and I'm so glad that he has gone to the lengths he has to reach us... and help us when we needed it the most.  I can only pray that will continue.  I must confess... I'm in a very dark and difficult place right now.

 

You are the only person I know who has experienced such similar things as I have from God on your benzo journey.  I am so grateful that at least one other person experienced similar things as I have... because it has helped to validate and solidify and hold on to my own experiences or "landmarks" as we say on this journey.  T ... I consider YOU to be one of "those experiences" on my journey... which God has used to help me with my doubting about these experiences or landmarks.  By the mouth of two or three witnesses... let every word be established.  We either believe those words or we don't.  We either believe and hold onto what we have experienced or we don't... so that fact that you or I could do this under the circumstances of the benzo hell... is a miracle in and of itself and testifies of the grace of God deeply to me. 

 

I believe often our "benzo brains" are constantly wanting and searching for more.  More answers.  More validation.  More reasons to stop doubting.  More comfort.  This drug has caused my soul to "refuse to be comforted."  I'm so glad God understands this and helps us anyway by some sort of assurance whether it be comfort or not... or just some other way... like a Rainbow !!

 

From Psalm 77 - In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord: my sore ran in the night, and ceased not: my soul refused to be comforted.  I call to remembrance my song in the night: I commune with mine own heart: and my spirit made diligent search. (searching for that which would comfort my soul... but it refused to be comforted:  THE BENZO EXPERIENCE)  Hath God forgotten to be gracious ?  And I said, This is my infirmity: but I will remember the years of the right hand of the most High.  I will remember the works of the LORD: surely I will remember thy wonders of old.  I will meditate also of all thy work, and talk of thy doings.

 

It's so awesome !!  That is exactly what you and I are doing, T.  We are communing with our own hearts and searching  with our spirits... that which will bring us hope and strength and comfort to enable us to endure this journey.  I believe that is what the writer of Psalm 77 did.  The way he coped with his soul "refusing to be comforted"... is he remembered that it's HIS CONDITION (his infirmity) that was causing his soul to refuse to be comforted.  Then he chose to remember all the years of walking with God and the amazing things of the past he experienced with God.  He talked about them... just like you and I are, T.  He meditated on them... just like you and I do, T.  I bet he had someone else who was experiencing the same thing that God brought across his path so that they could both find comfort in what God has, is, and will do in the future.  Wow !!  We truly do go through pain and comfort for the sake of comforting others the same way God comforts us.  I feel like that is what God has been doing with you and I to a degree with the landmarks.

 

Sacred texts within the context of this dialogue:

 

Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. (like landmark experiences or events)

And whether we be afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effectual in the enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer: or whether we be comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation.  And our hope of you is stedfast, knowing, that as ye are partakers of the sufferings, so shall ye be also of the consolation. (sounds like a guarantee, huh ?  )

 

 

 

Kindly,

j

 

___________________________________________________________________________________

 

T

 

 

I have another landmark to share with you.  It happened today (June 20th Father's Day).

 

I live in a studio apartment on the top floor of a 4 story apartment.  I've been here since December 3, 2018.  During that time... I have only seen the neighbor who lives next to me on the north side only ONCE.  That was about 2 weeks ago (ish).  I had seen him by the elevator or in the elevator I can't remember... and he seemed like a nice easy going guy.  We have rules here.  Quiet hours are from 7am to 10pm.  I have followed those rules to the T.  (pun intended)  Point is... I have never given this man any reason to be upset with me or want to hurt me in a violent way.  After I had to go to 5mg on my Valium due to permanent akathisia, I became much more sick and tired.  So much so... words cannot explain it.  Point here is... when I left here to go to my Dad's house today... I barely made it out of the door I felt so weak and sick and the mental really bad, too.

 

Rewind to this morning.  I was so sick and depressed (still am) that I was desperate and hopeless again.  I remembered what you prayed to God about show me a sign... like mess with the electronics, phone, etc. flicking lights, you name it.  I prayed something like "God... please, if you are still with me and for me... show me an OBVIOUS sign like you did with T.  I just said God... you could even break something or cause it not to work as long as it's not something really important that can't be fixed again."  (I wasn't like you were... I cared about stuff being broken that was truly valuable).  So a few hours later when my Dad showed up waiting down in the parking lot to pick me up...I left out the door and my neighbor to the north was all messed up and very upset.  Immediately after I got outside the front door he was yelling at me and threatening me...and blocking me from going to the elevator.  I thought to myself.... I need to go back inside my apartment before this escalates and call my Dad and let him know why I am not downstairs yet.  Before I went back in I looked at the man and said in a soft kind voice, "Hi, how are you doing today ?  Are you doing ok ?"  He didn't attack me... but I sure thought he would... and believe he almost did.  He even threw something on the ground and told me to pick it up like he was setting a trap for me.

 

I went back in and called my dad and let him know what was going on.  My Dad (on father's day) flipped out and got angry and told me he's coming right up !!  I told him no !!  So then I immediately left and got into the elevator as I could still hear him having a fit of sorts and throwing things outside of his apartment.  I rushed to the elevator and made it to the bottom floor where my Dad was waiting just outside of the elevator !!  Needless to say, it took quite a while before father's day started doing ok again.  At least two hours.  I was sad and frustrated and tired and even somewhat angry... because it made me upset that I no longer felt comfortable going in and out of my own apartment.  I had an experience outside here on the street already where I was jumped for no reason, and my ribs bruised and my pelvis injured, too.  It took me 6 months to heal from all that.  I also had to take edible cannabis cuz I had nothing else for the terrible pain.  I was very depressed and upset and sad coming home thinking about what happened... and how it made me feel worse and much more sick because of my severe condition from 30 years of benzos and other meds.  When I got home I discovered that there were all kinds of blankets and clothes scattered in the hallway outside this man's door and by the elevator.  When I came inside my apartment after I got home, I remembered that my garbage disposal stopped working this morning !!

 

God answered my prayer !!  He made something I didn't care much about break !!  (something that God willing can easily be fixed by the maintenance man)  If you recall, the prayer was for that to show me he is with me... and is for me.  I was so stressed and depressed today... I had forgotten that prayer... and I had forgotten that my disposal had broke right before I left today.  I called the maintenance man without thinking about it... and after I got off the phone I remembered my prayer and thought about the garbage disposal breaking.  T... I just wanted to share that with you... hoping that God might also bring you more encouragement.  I hope and pray you and your family are well... and hope to hear from you how you are doing.  Not sure you already figured it out... but a copy of my last reply to you that you have not read yet (to my knowledge) is above here on this post along with your last post to me.

 

I got to thinking if there was any scripture related to this incident that might encourage me.  Here is the one that came to mind:  (since I am now uneasy about coming in and out of my apartment)

 

Lay not wait, O wicked man, against the dwelling of the righteous; spoil not his resting place:

The God of my rock; in him will I trust: he is my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge, my saviour; thou savest me from violence.

 

I am very thankful that God saved me from violence today.  This is another time God helped me and encouraged me in my feeble condition from 30 years of benzos.  My fight or flight was already maxed out before the event even occurred.  When it happened, I felt so stressed out I thought it might even kill me.

 

 

Kindly,

j

 

J,

 

Wow this is awesome! I love our Heavnely Father and how he speaks to use to let us hear what we need to hear! I'm sorry it took me so long to respond. I was in a bad wave but then I want to give glory to God he has been increasing healing. I had my longest window ever with a decrease in symptoms the last few months. Then my twins were born and that with a toddler I've had my hands full. My wife and I are now outnumbered. I also changed careers and am now practicing at a Christian center (private practice, licensed therapist). All of this would have put me under a year ago but God has been my strength. I still have my symptoms but many days they are less intense. I'm able to sit across from someone suffering and give them my full attention, pray wth them, and they tell me they look forward to sessions and that they leave feeling better. I could barely get off my couch and out of my head in the beginning of all this.

 

That said, in the back of my mind I knew I wanted to respond. What you experienced was one of the "landmarks" you described to me when I told you what God spoke to me. He is with you and for you, J! He will never leave or forsake you! You belong to him! No matter how you feel focus on this truth! God is the only reason I am still here today and survived the storm of earlier withdrawal. I know he is carrying you through and will see you through it too.

 

I'm loving the posts on this thread.This all goes to show that no matter what darkest valley and hell we are in, God loves us and will see us through.

[[Wo...]]

I have another landmark to share with you.

That's a beautiful story, thank you for sharing. I broke down crying halfway reading it -- my heart is aching for all the people who're suffering due to this drug. I can't help but tearfully pray on their behalf. So much suffering, so intense and unnecessary. My own tiny peek into this world seems insignificant in comparison, yet is already uncomfortable on its own right. I wish you the best.

[[sa...]]

This was not during my benzo use, but it happened just this morning.  I was in utter misery from anxiety and depression and I begged God to help me in any way possible.  Not long after that, an old friend called who just happened to be the exact right friend to talk to at that moment.  We ended up staying on the phone for hours and both of us felt much less anxious after.  That's amazing because I usually feel more anxious after talking on the phone.  But this particular friend is so very empathetic and understanding, that the conversation was a healing thing for me. 

[[Jo...]]

This was not during my benzo use, but it happened just this morning.  I was in utter misery from anxiety and depression and I begged God to help me in any way possible.  Not long after that, an old friend called who just happened to be the exact right friend to talk to at that moment.  We ended up staying on the phone for hours and both of us felt much less anxious after.  That's amazing because I usually feel more anxious after talking on the phone.  But this particular friend is so very empathetic and understanding, that the conversation was a healing thing for me.

 

S

 

Thank you for sharing that… so wonderful to know.  Nothing like when u know God has heard n answered your prayers…

 

 

Kindly

j

[[sa...]]

This was not during my benzo use, but it happened just this morning.  I was in utter misery from anxiety and depression and I begged God to help me in any way possible.  Not long after that, an old friend called who just happened to be the exact right friend to talk to at that moment.  We ended up staying on the phone for hours and both of us felt much less anxious after.  That's amazing because I usually feel more anxious after talking on the phone.  But this particular friend is so very empathetic and understanding, that the conversation was a healing thing for me.

 

S

 

Thank you for sharing that… so wonderful to know.  Nothing like when u know God has heard n answered your prayers…

 

 

Kindly

j

 

So true.  I hope you're doing better, J.