Xanax withdrawal, 6 years high doses

[[br...]]

I did much better than I expected. the day went fast and I didn't move from the computer. work is a good distraction. the problem is this job is complex,  I would have preferred something with less pressure to start with.

 

I didn't get 20 mins sleep last night so I think I did well . I kept thinking if it gets to much just leave but it didn't get to that point

 

not sure if I will last long as it is very technical and my mind is at 60% and about the same for confidence and social skills.

 

I did what I said and used it as a stepping stone so no regrets there.

 

I'll stop rambling now lol

[[Pa...]]

I'm thrilled you made it and yes, work is a good distraction.  I'm sure you were miserable every minute, but the minutes seem to go by faster when we can't focus every single thought on how bad we feel.

 

It sounds like you've set realistic expectations for yourself, give it your best shot and if it works out great, if it doesn't then yes, a stepping stone.  Being at 60% right now is a good number, I'm actually impressed you can give yourself that high of a rating, this terror ride usually puts our self confidence at 0 so the fact that you're able to objectively judge your capacity gives me hope.

 

I was just thinking about your personality.  If your new co-workers didn't know you before this happened and they only know who you are now, they'll be in for a pleasant surprise when you recover from this, assuming you stay on.  They'll see the real you emerge and have to totally reassess their perception of you because when we're going through this crap we're not too much fun.  And just from what I 'see' from you here, I would imagine you're a great guy to be around. 

[[br...]]

thanks Pamster,

 

you are too kind.

 

scary thing is I don't know who I am or who I will become after this. I've spent to many years masking emotions so it will be interesting to see who emerges from this

[[Pa...]]

Were the substances used to mask the emotions? 

[[br...]]

yes that's what I meant. it was alcohol or benzos or both for many years.

 

strange thing today . I got some deap sleep last night after a couple of days of not sleeping and I now woke up with anxiety . the alarm clock got me up in a panic for work.

 

the last couple of days I didn't sleep well I got up fine to go to work. today I feel like hiding away .already looking for excuses in my mind .

[[Pa...]]

You'd think deep sleep would be a good thing, I've read the alarm clock sends you right into fight or flight mode.  Understanding Morning Anxiety

 

I'm sure you can find those excuses, if you're anything like me, you've got them stockpiled from years of covering up for your substance use.  This is a different animal though, so no judgement whatever you decide to do.

 

[[Re...]]

I find simply astonishing what you are being able to do, coming from the what you described 2019 was all about...

 

That was some really really high Xanax dosage...dammm

 

How are your cognitive abilities? Noticed any speech impairment?

[[br...]]

I'm suprised also . my mind is saying give up but I'm pushing through.

 

yes speech is off, forget words mid sentence . I forget things that are common knowledge normally..

 

I'm still at this new job. every morning I want to quit but I don't. by the afternoon I feel quite proud of myself. I though for sure he would fire me by now but I'm still here.

[[Pa...]]

You just made me laugh Andrew, maybe the reason you haven't been fired is because even at 60% like you said you were a few days ago, you're a 100% better than anyone else! He knows a good thing when he sees it.

 

I'm proud of you too and really, everyone wants to quit every morning, you just have a few extra reasons right now.

 

 

[[br...]]

good point lol. not that many people love there work on the best of days

[[Pa...]]

Hows it going Andrew?

[[br...]]

hi Pamster,

 

I have to say I've been getting gradual improvements.  working has been a great distraction even though it's been tough. I'm not waking up with huge anxiety lately but deppresion is high and it's hard to describe but I feel somewhat lost. it does improve as the day goes on.

 

I need to stay positive as it seems I'm heading in the right direction.

[[Pa...]]

Good to hear, I'm glad work is providing needed distraction, I noticed when I had to force myself to work each day that it also helped my self confidence a bit.  The small victories are important, finishing a task on time, or facing a room full of people when I had to give a briefing, other times it was simply the fact that I was able show up.

 

I'm sorry to hear about the depression, have you suffered with this in the past?  Was this one of the reasons for the self medicating?

[[br...]]

work is definatly helping me improve.  if I was stuck at home in my own misery recovery would be worse.

 

yes I've had deppresion my whole adult life. I've never truly been at a stable mind set.  this is the time I guess.

 

question, if you strangle your boss will the judge accept withdrawal as a defence lol

[[Pa...]]

Uh, I doubt it since not many people recognize what we feel is real!   

 

Yeah, the misery is worse when there is nothing but the misery.  I hope when you recover from this you can find peace, hey maybe this will rewire your brain and you won't have depression anymore.  I hope.

[[br...]]

I need to work hard at it to get to what others would call normal. stopping the benzos was a start. lot more to do but it's time to recover

[[br...]]

I was joking about my boss lol

[[Pa...]]

I know, I've had a couple of of those myself, no worries. 

 

I've never experienced real depression, but what I felt while taking Ambien gave me a taste, I can't imagine living with it like you and others have.  I was on Lexepro after my mom and sister died within months of each other, I thought it was great, it evened things out for me.  Are there non medication therapies that can help or is the only hope medication?

[[br...]]

that must have been tough. I would ideally like to be medication free and I am open to most thearapys. but for now it's antidepressants.  I will start counselling soon

[[Pa...]]

I have absolutely no issue with antidepressants, the only reason I stopped taking them was because I no longer needed them, but when I did, they helped a great deal.  I can't imagine living with constant darkness, I'm glad you're going to start counseling.

[[br...]]

I have been told by a few professionals I would probably be on them for life . I hope that one day I can find some peace medication or not.  right now meds are a necessity as the alternative is not acceptable

[[Pa...]]

I saw you mention one time you had a bone graft done, has it healed?

[[br...]]

no not yet ,it still swollen . it is for a dental implant . im glad the antibiotics didn't have any negative effects on me.  I heard it can affect some other members

[[Pa...]]

I've never had problems with antibiotics either, glad you didn't have an issue.  I haven't had to do that yet, hope I don't, that chewing on one side sounds awful.

[[br...]]

it is super expensive , I can't wait till it is done. I have a question for you. what keeps you coming back on this forum to assist others. I can imagine it takes up a fair bit of your day