Xanax withdrawal, 6 years high doses

[[Pa...]]

Sounds like it wasn't a panel interview, hated those!  Yeah, we're pretty fuzzy when going through this, I had trouble getting the words out, I was afraid my voice would shake, thought for sure the constant buzzing/trembling could be heard as well as felt.

 

They whoever they are, say that when we start using crutches, we stop learning and growing those life skills, and when we finally stop using, we have to play catch-up to our peers.  It takes awhile to make up for that lost time, so be patient with yourself.

 

I'm glad you're feeling better.

 

 

 

 

[[br...]]

update, physically ok,some stomache problems and fatigue.  mentally I am in a strange place . I do do have the peaks of anxiety that I had during taper. i guess it's a blessing as that was crippling . I feel someone numb and not myself.

 

in public I am awkward,clumsy and anxious.

 

Pamster, I must have faked it to well at the interview . they asked me to come back in . I'm in shock and totally anxious 4e

[Guest [Bn...]]

Good job, I hope it works out for you.

 

B

[[Pa...]]

Great to hear you did well on the interview, I guess it's round two now?  It sounds like you're not as awkward and clumsy in public as you think you are, it just feels that way.  I hope you can fake it through the next phase of the interview process, do you want the job, is it a good fit for you?  Um, a good fit if you weren't in withdrawal?  Nothing fits right when we feel like this, that's why we have to engage autopilot, so we have a life to go back to when we get past this.

 

The numb, I guess you're not feeling any joy, probably no connection to yourself or anyone you feel close to?  I hate the loss of self during this.

[[br...]]

Hi Pamster

 

you always have wise words . I guess I am in auto  pilot it's the best I can do right now. I'm driving this body around not sure if what to do .

 

the job is exactly what I wanted just not now. I would rather do nothing but I guess life will not wait for my recovery . so I guess I will push on and try it. I have huge self doubt and anxiety but I will force myself to push on. I think it will be a shame to give up now.

 

I could just hide and do nothing which is what my mind is telling me to do but daily I challenge it. very tiring

[[Pa...]]

Timing, there is never a good time to withdraw from benzo's but I can see this is a particularly bad time as far as your job prospects go.  I hope you can find a way through this, to miss out on a great opportunity would be tough.  I maintained a job I knew well when I was compromised, I can't imagine learning a new one and meeting new co-workers while feeling like this.  It's hard enough to get out of bed let alone take all of that on.

 

I have this feeling though, that you can and will fight for your life, the one that's waiting for you when you get past this.  Just a feeling....

[[br...]]

thanks Pamster,

 

you words bring a lot of comfort especially when I feel like giving up. every morning is like groundhog day. I wake up lost and ghost like. the emotions I can feel are only negative . motivation is zero and the future looks bleak.

 

I'll try the job.  if I don't survive it at least I tried . I won't regret that. I'll try not put to much pressure on myself . If I can make it somehow great if not well it's a stepping stone.

 

I can't believe you worked through your withdrawal. my first 10 days I probably should have been hospitalized.

[[Pa...]]

I've been learning so much the last few days about this stuff, I've been watching the

, and its horrifying to learn that NO studies before now have ever been done about the effects of benzo's prescribed past 4 weeks.  To hear medical Dr's and scientists admit to knowing nothing about what we go through is amazing.  At this symposium they speak about learning from us, from support forums, to finally listen to their patients. 

 

If you've got some time on your hands, I'd highly recommend listening to the first few speakers, Carrie Silvernail is a survivor who speaks eloquently about what she went through. 

 

0:32        Dr. Irving Kron, Dean Emeritus

1:53        Dr. Robert Raffa – Introduction to the program

10:28      Carrie Silvernail, RN – A patient’s story

31:34      Dr. Robert Raffa – Benzodiazepine neuropharmacology

46:28      Dr. Joseph Pergolizzi Jr. – Benzodiazepine epidemiology

 

I was glad to see your post on another thread about pushing yourself, but I want you to know too, that this isn't your normal anxiety or depression coming through, this is all the drug withdrawal.  Once you recover from this, your original issues will be a lot more manageable in comparison to this crap.

[[br...]]

Hi Pamster,

 

I will definatly look at that. it's amazing how much they don't know about what they prescribe, even the antidepressants I am on says the think they work by increasing serotonin but are unsure how this happens. who knows what long term effects I'll get from these .

 

as for my anxiety and deppression they have never been managed or dealt with properly. so even when the withdrawal symptoms are gone I will need to take care of these issues . I totally agree they should be much more manageable when withdrawal has passed.

 

I know it is a long process for some but I personally can't sit and do nothing while waiting for results . my mood can turn quite negative if I give into the voice that tells me to stay at home lie on couch and avoid  people.

 

I thought I was behaving normally and am so tempted to ask if anyone can notice but I don't want to appear crazy lol. I talked to a bloke I havnt seen in a while yesterday, completely got the handshake wrong,don't ask me how. I stumbled my words and forget things mid sentence. I quickly made an excuse and took off. it was a big eye opener on how disjointed my mind is. nothing is working correctly memory ,problem solving,  emotions , it's all mixed up

 

thanks again Pamster . you are an amazing help. 

[[Pa...]]

I had so much difficulty talking when I was where you are, my mouth wouldn't form the words right, I used to think people could see my lips quivering, revealing the inner trembling I was feeling.  Then of course my mind wasn't engaging in the process so I became a woman of few words, my personality changed greatly.  But this is what happens, we're not us anymore, and it's so darn hard to fake it so we tend to go mute.

 

I'm glad you're working to keep getting out, and it is work because like you said, we want to bury ourselves.  But I think that's even worse because then there's nothing but you and the symptoms, no distraction, nothing to latch onto other than the pain.

 

What's going on with the prospective job, have you gone for the second interview?

[[br...]]

Hi Pamster,

 

it's quite scary and disheartening. I'm not myself and the world is different. I am also feeling emotions differently if I get them and my mind keeps pondering big questions like religion ,politics ,morals ,it makes no sense at all.

 

I went to dinner with a few family's for Australia day and did well. I didn't drink ,well half a glass of wine and my conversation came out well and I felt comfortable .

 

as for the job trial,I got 3 days . I wake up every morning wanting to give up  mornings are the toughest and my mind is negative . I will give it a try I guess . if I don't succeed I will try when I'm better. it is a lot of pressure for me right now but I need to try. I can't afford to lay on the couch doing nothing . unfortunately the world will not wait for me to recover.

[[Pa...]]

I read on another thread that you broke out your computer and did a little work, how did that feel, is there still some talent residing in you? 

 

I'm glad you were able to socialize a bit, I had so much trouble with that, going to restaurants was insanely loud, tried to go to the symphony once, the sensory input was overwhelming, the symphony, really! 

 

I know mornings are tough that's pretty common around here, something to do with cortisol, for me it was oh no, another day I have to survive. 

 

It's good to see you posting around the forum offering help, I hope you're getting some in return.  I'm especially grateful for your help in reaching out to others who have addiction issues, we're in the minority around here. 

 

 

[[Lu...]]

I've been learning so much the last few days about this stuff, I've been watching the

, and its horrifying to learn that NO studies before now have ever been done about the effects of benzo's prescribed past 4 weeks.  To hear medical Dr's and scientists admit to knowing nothing about what we go through is amazing.  At this symposium they speak about learning from us, from support forums, to finally listen to their patients. 

 

If you've got some time on your hands, I'd highly recommend listening to the first few speakers, Carrie Silvernail is a survivor who speaks eloquently about what she went through. 

 

0:32        Dr. Irving Kron, Dean Emeritus

1:53        Dr. Robert Raffa – Introduction to the program

10:28      Carrie Silvernail, RN – A patient’s story

31:34      Dr. Robert Raffa – Benzodiazepine neuropharmacology

46:28      Dr. Joseph Pergolizzi Jr. – Benzodiazepine epidemiology

 

I was glad to see your post on another thread about pushing yourself, but I want you to know too, that this isn't your normal anxiety or depression coming through, this is all the drug withdrawal.  Once you recover from this, your original issues will be a lot more manageable in comparison to this crap.

 

Sounds so interesting... do you have a link ?

[[Pa...]]

I've been learning so much the last few days about this stuff, I've been watching the

, and its horrifying to learn that NO studies before now have ever been done about the effects of benzo's prescribed past 4 weeks.  To hear medical Dr's and scientists admit to knowing nothing about what we go through is amazing.  At this symposium they speak about learning from us, from support forums, to finally listen to their patients. 

 

If you've got some time on your hands, I'd highly recommend listening to the first few speakers, Carrie Silvernail is a survivor who speaks eloquently about what she went through. 

 

0:32        Dr. Irving Kron, Dean Emeritus

1:53        Dr. Robert Raffa – Introduction to the program

10:28      Carrie Silvernail, RN – A patient’s story

31:34      Dr. Robert Raffa – Benzodiazepine neuropharmacology

46:28      Dr. Joseph Pergolizzi Jr. – Benzodiazepine epidemiology

 

I was glad to see your post on another thread about pushing yourself, but I want you to know too, that this isn't your normal anxiety or depression coming through, this is all the drug withdrawal.  Once you recover from this, your original issues will be a lot more manageable in comparison to this crap.

 

Sounds so interesting... do you have a link ?

 

Yes, it's in the link contained in the body of this message. 

[[br...]]

Hi Pamster,

 

I started working on the computer to prep for the job tomorrow. it's been good to get lost in all the detail. it's a good distraction.

 

socializing is still tough , I'm not myself, I feel quite lost and alone.

 

happy to talk to others about my addiction issues with others it's not always an easy subject to talk about

 

Andrew

[[Zu...]]

Hey Breakthrough!

 

Not sure what finances you have available, but I started therapy so I could learn cognitive behavioral therapy and mindfulness, I also did this so I had someone to listen to me and offer ways of coping (I am paying for it of course).

 

Granted that I hate travel and only leave to go to work, I opted to try Better Help, which is online counseling. They ask questions and match you with a therapist that aligns to your needs. My second session is an hour from now, and Mary is a very nice lady. I am glad I did it because when I try to come off xanax again this time I have someone I can talk to when needed outside of scheduled appointments.

 

I wish you strength during your recovery!

[[br...]]

Hi Zurek,

 

sounds interesting I will have a look at it. I could definatly use the extra support and skills set.

[[Pa...]]

Hi breakthrough, did you start the new job?  How are you handling being around people?  I found I had to hide in the restroom at times when I was working while going through withdrawal.  I took walks around the outside of the building too, it helped to be alone and get some fresh air. 

 

Are you able to concentrate?

[[br...]]

I start tomorrow. not sure how I'm going to handle it. my head is messed up I really don't want to do anything. it's morning here and it is when I feel my worst. I would like to stay in bed but even that offers no comfort

 

it seems there is no escape or relief from these feelings

[[Pa...]]

No, there is no relief, there is only distraction and sometimes brief windows of normalcy, but that's all until you heal.  I'm so sorry for your pain, none of us had any idea it would be this bad.

 

This drug has been around so long, why didn't anyone know this could happen?  The tiny words on the patient handouts drone on with the same precautions just about every drug we ingest has printed on it, we learn to ignore them because the words are all the same.  Even if we acknowledge the words, some part of our brain tells us it can't happen to me, until it does. 

 

I hope you make it to work tomorrow, its little consolation but any sense of accomplishment, no matter how big or small is a victory and should be savored.  Even if you just show up but decide you can't do it, it's still a victory because you got out of bed and gave it your best shot. 

[[br...]]

I'm trying to acknowledge the little victorys as they happen. and I'm trying to keep as normal a life as I can but work just seems like to much for me right now. I know it makes me sound lazy but I am honestly in not the right condition for work.

 

I will go and try my best because I honestly can afford not to for a number of reasons.

 

if I had the time and money this would probably be better done inpatient.  who knows

 

if I had an idea that this may take a specific amount of time I would just postpone till I felt better but we don't know how long this takes and I can't sit around indefinitely

[[ea...]]

Been through the same thing, break. I often wished I was rich and could afford to fly out to the Betty Ford Clinic and stay there to feel safer. But I am not rich. I did the normal do it yourself benzo wd. UGH. Back then I simply could NOT work, I was using a walker due to a severe injury I sustained directly due to benzos. I fell, fractured my femur and knee. Ouch. Good surgery saved the leg but I lived in pain for years. And then I was forced to go CT off all my drugs.

Awful.

I agree...celebrate the small victories. They lead to bigger ones. I certainly don't think you are lazy. Your are in the grips of benzo wd, a beast which can almost drive you insane. The mental and physical symptoms are truly scary. Most of us think we have lost our mind. I sure did.

But in the end, I did manage to heal and grow, and so will you.

Never give up.

east

[[Pa...]]

Lazy is the last word I would use to describe anyone in benzo withdrawal, survivors is what I call each and every one who is facing this.  You're in the acute stage and no, you're not in any condition to work, physically, emotionally and mentally but you like many of us don't have the luxury of postponing your life until this is over.

 

I used to wish I could go to the hospital and be put into a medically induced coma until I healed.

[[br...]]

thank you both for the support. your words mean a lot .

 

yes I do feel like I've lost my mind but I know I can get it back somehow I have done it before when dealing with anxiety.

 

I always wish I could just be taken away from all this pain and life stresses . a coma sounds lovely lol. even a hospital for an injury sounds like a break to me right now as bad as it sounds . it is taking ever ounce of will power to keep going. basically I'm doing it alone except for the support from you guys . I can't really tell anyone and they would not understand the madness .

[[Pa...]]

I tried to express myself to a couple of my close friends back then, it didn't go well so I gave up and started faking it, it's easier than trying to convince people how bad it is.

 

We talk about distraction, how it helps us get through the day so I guess an injury would be a distraction.  I get what you mean though, some general anesthesia would be a nice break, wouldn't it?

 

How did it go, were you able to go to work?