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Posted

I am just so exhausted from being in constant distress. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of being certain I'm dying. I keep telling my Mom and boyfriend that I want help.... but help for this doesn't exist and that kills me.

 

I don't even know what help would be. The psych ward is out of question unless I've completely lost my mind and would absolutely end my life.  I've been 4 times and it's always been hell and I left worse, on more psych meds that didn't work, and traumatized. Yet, I beg to go to the ER during attacks. I logically know they can't help.... but I think I hope they'll find something wrong that they can fix? I have a tremendous phobia of dying, so constantly feeling like I am is traumatic and completely exhausting. My sanity feels like a rubber band that's been stretched almost too far. I have severe dr/dp. Severe terror... it feels like a non-stop attack. Some days I get windows where I can leave the house... but my brain and fear never stop.

 

I must want help.... but there isn't any and it is devestating. Klonopin used to help during attacks (although I was myself most of the time)... so having them with nothing to stop them but my brain is scary.

 

How did you cope with realizing that nothing could really help.... just time?

Posted

Hi Ali,

 

I hear your desperation. It took me a few more months to get to the point you are at. I was at my wits end from about 4-7 months. Like you, I knew that I couldn’t take anything and just had to wait it out. I didn’t really cope in the true sense of the word, so please don’t think that I have all of the answers. I just got through one day at a time. I walked for 2-3 hours per day to get exercise. I ate a healthy diet. I tried to get 8 hours sleep. I started meditation. I read Ashton and Sofakingdone again and again. I got some CBT counselling after a couple of months. I had great support from my wife. I kept doing all the things that I always did to distract myself.

 

At M11 now I am much better. I am in control of my illness. I am still not right and I still have dips in my mental approach but they are fewer. I am keeping myself distracted with normal activities still and am waiting for the next tranche of improvement.

 

Try to get yourself through each day by distraction and one day it will feel a bit better. And then another day it will feel a bit better again. And so on.

 

Hang on to hope. Time will make you better.

 

Best wishes

 

G

Posted
I think that Insurance company is aweful
Posted

At a certain point you realize that there's nothing you can do about it. So, you just go on with your life the best you can. Little by little you'll get better. What helped me was focusing on things I liked to do, which distracted me from negative thoughts. It's time to be a little selfish and refuse as much as possible to engage in activities that drain you.

 

Note: How could Kaiser force you into detox? I don't quite understand, perhaps because I'm from a different country.

Posted
They didn't "force" me as in drive me there in handcuffs... but I was told by my psychiatrist and their addiction specialist that they were stopping my benzo prescription and it was either cold turkey at home or go to detox, and with how bad I was doing they knew I couldn't do it at home. My doctor kept interrupting me at my appointment saying "It's time for inpantient." I had asked to taper slower at that appointment because I was doing so awful. Instead, I was accused of being an addict... even though I never refilleda prescription early. I had followed their fast taper and never took more than given... but I was distraught and even brought up the Ashton Manual. Kaiser is doing this to many people right now. 4 seperate psychiatrists gave me Klonopin for 10 years, and I had no knowledge of how dangerous it was. They treated them like a magic pill. They told me to "take more." They got new guidelines and are now getting people off of benzos as fast as possible. :(
Posted
F**k the guidelines You are a human being each one is special we are little snow all different they can't follow the same guidelines for everyone  We are humans they just see numbers hon they just see dollars and cents so must not be making enough money off of them more money in cancer and diabetes 
Posted

They didn't "force" me as in drive me there in handcuffs... but I was told by my psychiatrist and their addiction specialist that they were stopping my benzo prescription and it was either cold turkey at home or go to detox, and with how bad I was doing they knew I couldn't do it at home. My doctor kept interrupting me at my appointment saying "It's time for inpantient." I had asked to taper slower at that appointment because I was doing so awful. Instead, I was accused of being an addict... even though I never refilleda prescription early. I had followed their fast taper and never took more than given... but I was distraught and even brought up the Ashton Manual. Kaiser is doing this to many people right now. 4 seperate psychiatrists gave me Klonopin for 10 years, and I had no knowledge of how dangerous it was. They treated them like a magic pill. They told me to "take more." They got new guidelines and are now getting people off of benzos as fast as possible. :(

 

Thank you for you explanation. It's crazy what they do, pushing the drugs and then acting like if it was our fault, not very different from here after all :(

Posted
Yeah, it's been hell dealing with them. I left treatment early because rehab was not for me.... I'm not an addict.  I was incredibly sick from withdrawal,  having to wake up at 6 am and be on my feet and in meetings until bedtime at 10 pm. A hell of a punishment for a non-addict already going through complete mental hell. So I left.... put on the curb 2 hours from home with 17% on my phone. Sat in a Starbucks with my suitcase, in my pajamas while my boyfriend drove 3 hours in traffic to get me. Then my psychiatrist had the nerve to accuse me of doctor shopping (because I went to the ER twice in severe panic.... but told them immediately not to give me benzos).... and since my urine was still positive after only 18 days, she tried to force me back into rehab. Thankfully my therapist,  my Mom, and my Boyfriend have completely supported me through this. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here. It's so awful to be fighting so hard only to be accused of not doing it. 😞 I'm switching from Kaiser in December and when I'm well enough I'll be fighting... even if I can't file a lawsuit, I'll be making my voice heard.
Posted

ali,

We are "accidental addicts." Yes, we were addicted to benzos, but we were not street drug addicts. BIG difference. I am picturing you, suitcase in hand, sitting on a bench, waiting for someone to come get you.

How utterly lonely and lost you must have felt!

I went through something similar. I was forced to go CT off a boatload of benzos and SSRIS. Holy hell ensued. I was forced to go into a psych hospital, one I had worked in as an RN. How humiliating that was! And no one on that particular unit had any idea of what benzo wd can be like for some. I remember lying on my bed, watching one of my legs jerk up into the air, all on its own with no help from me. I felt as if I was possessed. I had NO control over this stuff.

I fought the term addict for a long time.  The last 12 years I took benzos, all were legally prescribed.. Begore that, NO. I have to be honest about that now.

But the real truth is that I WAS addicted, both physically and mentally. This does not mean you are a bad person. Benzos are highly addictive and anyone who takes them for more than a month WILL become addicted.

 

Ali, as long as you stay off benzos and don't do other brain affecting drugs, you will heal from this. I know you feel awful now, just as I did. Please don't let any of wd make you consider reinstating. You will heal from this and move on top a much better life, just as I have.

east

Posted
Congrats on being free!!!! You will feel lousy for a while, but you will get better over the next few months. Remind yourself that you are off and healing!!! Good luck.
Posted

I don't think I mentioned, Ali, that pretty much the same thing happened to me. Forced to go inpatient with the veiled threat of being Baker Acted. Because, at that time, I was a psych RN, I knew the laws but my benzo mind made me so fearful I just gave in. I went inpatient and it was sheer horror and simply made me feel like a real fool. And it certainly did not help me with benzo wd.

But I will also say that I am now GLAD this was done to me. I was so far gone back then, I was seriously considering moving into a nursing home for the rest of my life. You have to be very low to think that. And benzos had done that tome and so much more. I was brought really low by these drugs.

But Ali, I did heal. And so will you, so don't give up.

east

Posted

I don't think I mentioned, Ali, that pretty much the same thing happened to me. Forced to go inpatient with the veiled threat of being Baker Acted. Because, at that time, I was a psych RN, I knew the laws but my benzo mind made me so fearful I just gave in. I went inpatient and it was sheer horror and simply made me feel like a real fool. And it certainly did not help me with benzo wd.

But I will also say that I am now GLAD this was done to me. I was so far gone back then, I was seriously considering moving into a nursing home for the rest of my life. You have to be very low to think that. And benzos had done that tome and so much more. I was brought really low by these drugs.

But Ali, I did heal. And so will you, so don't give up.

east

 

Thank you so much for your replies. They give me hope. I absolutely wouldn't reinstate if you paid me.... I will never go through this again. I'm so glad you healed, and I look forward to healing myself.

Posted

I don't think I mentioned, Ali, that pretty much the same thing happened to me. Forced to go inpatient with the veiled threat of being Baker Acted. Because, at that time, I was a psych RN, I knew the laws but my benzo mind made me so fearful I just gave in. I went inpatient and it was sheer horror and simply made me feel like a real fool. And it certainly did not help me with benzo wd.

But I will also say that I am now GLAD this was done to me. I was so far gone back then, I was seriously considering moving into a nursing home for the rest of my life. You have to be very low to think that. And benzos had done that tome and so much more. I was brought really low by these drugs.

But Ali, I did heal. And so will you, so don't give up.

east

 

That's funny. I also feared lifetime custodial care. Silly to think about that now, but that's where my brain was.

Posted
You should really look into the bp med “clonidine” Ali. It has anxiolytic effects that will take the edge off your fear of death panic attacks just a bit.
Posted

Keagan, yes. Isnt it amazing that we really did feel that way and somehow managed to avoid it? I still am horrified I got to that miserable point and so glad I no longer think that way. It was ALL benzos.

east

Posted

Hi all

Windwalker- curious about the clonodine. Someone else recommended I take it. Also saw that you mentioned it in a post, East. I live with anxiety and panic from 2 am and most of the day. BP spikes to 200’s / 100’s. I do take toprol 25 mg. Hate to up it because on a rare day my BP goes pretty low. And the toprol doesn’t help with anxiety.

 

East- being a nurse, what do you think about clonodine compared to toprol or adding it.

My daughter is also a nurse and she’s been on BP meds since her teens. High doses. Just haven’t asked her about this. She’s knows little benzo related except for what I’ve been through and the research she’s done because of me.

 

I still have 10.3 mg of V to taper. I got much sicker with all symptoms after a 7 mo hold. The BP is the main reason I’ve been going so slow. I want to kick it up and get off this crap as it has never agreed with me. I think the Valium itself might be a part of my illness. I have every symptom on the a-z list. I don’t want to keep dragging this out.

 

Thanks, Lil xx

 

 

Posted

Hi all

Windwalker- curious about the clonodine. Someone else recommended I take it. Also saw that you mentioned it in a post, East. I live with anxiety and panic from 2 am and most of the day. BP spikes to 200’s / 100’s. I do take toprol 25 mg. Hate to up it because on a rare day my BP goes pretty low. And the toprol doesn’t help with anxiety.

 

East- being a nurse, what do you think about clonodine compared to toprol or adding it.

My daughter is also a nurse and she’s been on BP meds since her teens. High doses. Just haven’t asked her about this. She’s knows little benzo related except for what I’ve been through and the research she’s done because of me.

 

I still have 10.3 mg of V to taper. I got much sicker with all symptoms after a 7 mo hold. The BP is the main reason I’ve been going so slow. I want to kick it up and get off this crap as it has never agreed with me. I think the Valium itself might be a part of my illness. I have every symptom on the a-z list. I don’t want to keep dragging this out.

 

Thanks, Lil xx

 

Clonidine and beta blockers can help subjectively and also with blood pressure.

Posted

Thanks Keagan

I’m going to ask my GP about this. Hate the thought of yet another drug to taper, but I’ve got to get off the Valium, stat. I’ve been living in this hell for 4.5 yrs now. I need to get on with life. It ain’t gonna happen anytime soon when I’ve only been able to taper .5 mg since January. Healing is not happening!!  TY, Lil

Posted

Thanks Keagan

I’m going to ask my GP about this. Hate the thought of yet another drug to taper, but I’ve got to get off the Valium, stat. I’ve been living in this hell for 4.5 yrs now. I need to get on with life. It ain’t gonna happen anytime soon when I’ve only been able to taper .5 mg since January. Healing is not happening!!  TY, Lil

 

Lilgma ask your doctor about clonidine before taking it. My psych said no way clonidine but yes propanolol (which I think does nothing for my anxiety). I took once clonidine without him knowing and I think it calmed me a little, but I'm not messing with my blood pressure without a doctor approving. I really, really hope you find something that helps you.

Posted

Thanks V. I will.

I have an adverse reaction to most drugs, including Valium.

Trying anything new scares me. Trying to get as much feedback as I can from the group.

But then again, what works for others usually has opposite effect on me. I just spent $500 for dr and mmj card because medical cbd is suppose to be so great for anxiety. Sent me into 2 day straight panic attack.  The bud did the same. I know there’s no magic cure. The anxiety is killer. But the high BP is really a valid health concern.  Lil

Posted

Thanks V. I will.

I have an adverse reaction to most drugs, including Valium.

Trying anything new scares me. Trying to get as much feedback as I can from the group.

But then again, what works for others usually has opposite effect on me. I just spent $500 for dr and mmj card because medical cbd is suppose to be so great for anxiety. Sent me into 2 day straight panic attack.  The bud did the same. I know there’s no magic cure. The anxiety is killer. But the high BP is really a valid health concern.  Lil

 

Baylissa explains how many don't heal because they're taking marihuana or alcohol (the last is ovbious but before my crash I took a couple beers here and there, I didn't know anything). Go into youtube and search "Blooming in wellness", they are baylissa's videos. They are very very helpful.

 

Alibuttons how are you holding up? Are you getting any windows? I'm so glad your boyfriend and mom are on your side. You'll be ok with their support.

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