Intense depression & crying

[[as...]]

I woke up in a bad wave of anxiety & depressio.  I went to yoga & had a good class but the depression feels even worse now.  I can't seem to stop crying & can't make decisions.  Please tell me that this is still w/d & it is not some permanent thing that will come & go

[[Pa...]]

Hi Ash,

 

It's the benzo's, I've heard so many people talk about not being able to stop crying, I was the opposite, I couldn't cry.  But I can totally relate to not being able to make decisions and the depression.  All of this will be gone one day, don't lose hope, okay?

[[as...]]

thank you Pam.  i am trying not to lose hope.  it is just so very difficult.  i know you know.  i just can't find joy in the things i used to like.  it all seems so strange.  and i keep feeling like i am missing out on something by not engaging in activities that i used to.  but i just don't want to.  everything seems like such an effort.  the only thing i can really put energy into is my yoga class.  i guess i just have to be happy about that for now.  but this depression and crying thing is so horrible.  it is like a flood gate being opened and i don't know when it will end

[[we...]]

Dear Ash,

 

I too got stuck with dep.  and I'm now on an AD.  If your dep. does not lift, it may be a viable alternative.  Frankly I don't know which is worst, Dep, or anx.  Certainly being hit by both is really tough, I know. 

Journaling helps me to see progress (or not).  Eventually I will also have to do a taper.  The docs are quick to prescribe but slow to agree to a cut.

[[as...]]

thanks wellness but i tapered off of an a/d in february last year.  i do not want to take any more meds.  the only thing that i am halfway considering is Deplin but i will have to be in an extreme circumstance to do that even.  i am determined to wait a year and see how i am doing before considering anything else.  but of course, it is scary and i want it to go away.

[[ro...]]

Hi Ashlandana:

 

I think you posted that you stopped taking melatonin not too long ago?  I have been taking melatonin since the get-go (May 2010), and it seemed to really help with bad nites into a.m. depression.  ... just a thought but maybe one of the benefits of the melatonin.

 

Hope this spell lifts for you soon and you feel brighter days ahead.  You have been through so very much during your taper and post taper days.

 

Rocko

[[as...]]

thank  you rocko.  maybe i will take some more melatonin tonight.

[[Bi...]]

Hi Ashlandana,

 

Wanted to let you know, that I am about 1 month ahead of you in withdrawal and I am starting to see some really big windows with my depression. Last month was much harder for me, but now, into my 4th month, I have really noticed a big difference. Hang in there, I know how hard it is. You are doing some really great things for yourself with your yoga. Hope this lifts for you soon.

 

birdie 

[[as...]]

thank you so much birdie.  i feel so horrible right now.  it has been really intense today.  and i could not seem to do the things that i advise others to do.  i just beat myself up the whole time about what a failure i am in life and all the stupid things i have ever done and why can't i get out and enjoy the snow.  on and on and on...  really horrible.  i even screamed a few times here in my house.  one good thing about living so far out in the mountains and alone.  but being alone is only making it worse.  but i have no other option right now.  i used to LOVE living alone.  now i feel like i am in prison in my mind and that i am a loser and not working and so forth.  it is like i hate who i am and everything i have done and feel so horrible because i am so unproductive and just spending money constantly to just live.  i really hope you are right and that i will see a lot of difference in another month.  thank you so much for posting!

[[Pa...]]

The drug is lying to you, I hate it that it has this much power to do this to us.  I wish you wouldn't believe what its telling you though.  Your brain has been compromised, and the healing which is taking place, the pain both emotional and physical is because your brain is working very hard to repair itself.  These awful thoughts are simply the mistakes it's making in this process, don't put any credence in them.

[[as...]]

thank you, Pam.  i am so grateful for your posts.  and miraculously, it has lifted!  i am not 100% but i know i won't be for awhile.  but at least i stopped crying and stopped beating myself up.  i get real hungry when these waves start to lift.  i wonder what is up with that.  it is like all of a sudden i just have to eat and eat quite a bit and then i realize that i am feeling better and enjoyed the music i put on, etc...  it is really strange.  i am a completely different person than i was 2 hours ago.  why i cannot convince myself that things are really ok during those waves, i do not know.  all i know is that everyone's support on this site is so wonderful and so welcome and needed.  thank you, thank you, thank you!  :smitten:

[[Pa...]]

This stuff is crazy isn't it?  It's like our ability to reason goes out the door and we're left with no tools to cope.  Most of us have lived a long time and we've been through some pretty tough challenges, but this process robs us of our ability to cope and reason our way through it.  I hate that it has that much power, think about it, it's just a little tiny pill! 

[[Zu...]]

Hi ashlandana:

What you describe sounds exactly what I am feeling right now: waves of depression, feeling worthless, lots of fear, guilt, mad at myself for not being productive.  Lots of thoughts of "will I be stuck this way", "why can't I enjoy my life?",  "what if this is my normal self?".    I see others getting on with their life, enjoying life, and I'm so jealous.  I hear you.  I just wanted to let you know that I feel this way, too.  And I know I didn't feel this bad before ADs or Ativan, so it must be the benzos.

 

Like you, I also don't want to go back down the road of ADs, but I'm determined to give it a few more months.  Hang in there.  What I keep telling myself when I have bad thoughts is this:  "Ok, this is how things are going to have to be for right now, but it WILL get better."  I am also doing yoga twice a week and just trying to distract myself even when I don't feel like it.  Making lists of things to do helps me alot, as I'm not working right now.  We can do this!

[[as...]]

pam, yes, it is so crazy that such a tiny little pill has so much power! it is really quite unbelievable although believe it, I do!

 

hi zugora!  yours will lift too!  i am very sure.  that is so good that you have that mantra to tell yourself during these waves.  i think i will adopt it.  my mom says to treat it like an evil entity and tell it to leave.  i am glad you are doing yoga too!  i absolutely love it.  i went into town to the studio this morning but everything was canceled because of the recent weather's drain on energy sources.  i was so disappointed! i do not like to miss it.  what style are you doing?  making lists is good thing to do to.  i try to do that as well.  this is tough but so are we!