Checking into an inpatient tomorrow—please help

[[pu...]]

They forced me to CT because they are evil, and don't believe benzo wd is real. Never abused it and was on a slow taper. I had nurses laughing in my face telling me I was making it up and crazy. Other nurse told me he'd seen patients have seizures on unit from what they were doing there. It was really, really horrific. It was NOT even a detox facility. They traumatized me. I was forced onto high dose of gabapentin that really messed me up and then reinstated when I was feeling like you are describing and am slow tapering. They lied and said I was suicidal and did a 14 day hold even though I was only feeling suicidal the first day...

 

I tried just about every SSRI, mood stabilizer, bipolar med, all the drugs you can imagine. I became full on allergic to the lithium/lamictal cocktail I got off years ago that was causing all kinds of health problems, along with benzo wd I didn't know was going on. Now if I take any psych med I have reaction like you where it causes me to be further destabilized, or an allergic reaction, or an immediate migraine that just gets worse and worse. I think benzos have made me very sensitive to psych meds.

 

The one thing that does help a bit is a ketamine nasal spray my psychiatrist has had compounded for me over the past year but it's rare to find one who will do this. It's the only one I tolerate.

 

Thought for you is to look into outpatient programs as well. You can do PHP (partial hospitalizations) or IOP (less days usually than PHP) where you just go during the day or a few days per week. You can ask your therapist about these or call your insurance mental health line. That being said psych wards and residential treatment programs really helped me once upon a time, and it's usually easier to get into their outpatient programs after you go inpatient...good luck

 

That is so terrifying!

 

So was their rationale that the Valium was causing the problem?

[[pu...]]

They forced me to CT because they are evil, and don't believe benzo wd is real. Never abused it and was on a slow taper. I had nurses laughing in my face telling me I was making it up and crazy. Other nurse told me he'd seen patients have seizures on unit from what they were doing there. It was really, really horrific. It was NOT even a detox facility. They traumatized me. I was forced onto high dose of gabapentin that really messed me up and then reinstated when I was feeling like you are describing and am slow tapering. They lied and said I was suicidal and did a 14 day hold even though I was only feeling suicidal the first day...

 

I tried just about every SSRI, mood stabilizer, bipolar med, all the drugs you can imagine. I became full on allergic to the lithium/lamictal cocktail I got off years ago that was causing all kinds of health problems, along with benzo wd I didn't know was going on. Now if I take any psych med I have reaction like you where it causes me to be further destabilized, or an allergic reaction, or an immediate migraine that just gets worse and worse. I think benzos have made me very sensitive to psych meds.

 

The one thing that does help a bit is a ketamine nasal spray my psychiatrist has had compounded for me over the past year but it's rare to find one who will do this. It's the only one I tolerate.

 

Thought for you is to look into outpatient programs as well. You can do PHP (partial hospitalizations) or IOP (less days usually than PHP) where you just go during the day or a few days per week. You can ask your therapist about these or call your insurance mental health line. That being said psych wards and residential treatment programs really helped me once upon a time, and it's usually easier to get into their outpatient programs after you go inpatient...good luck

 

What is an IOP?

[[se...]]

What is it that you hate yourself so much?  You can't be all that bad!!!

 

MissBella

 

It’s part of my dysfunction. Or disorder, rather. Plus my life is in shreds. I live daily within the rubble of my blown up life. I barely even have any decent clothes to wear to my part time job, which I’m barely able to cope with for a measly 12 hrs per week. I look horrendous. I’m ashamed to be seen in public. I’m ashamed of so many things I’ve done. Living in my hometown that I have persistently tried to escape because I was treated so poorly here. No friends. Just a cesspool of shame.

 

I’ll stop my pity party here.

 

I guess I’m just trying to answer why I hate myself and my life so much, and that I have so much rebuilding to do in my life, and now, with benzo withdrawal on top of it, everything is quite insurmountable.

 

Here’s what I would say.  Take only what’s helpful and forgive any unintended offense. These are common symptoms when going through w/d - poor self esteem and poor self confidence. I hated myself too and I felt so ashamed for so long. I got to a point where I was like I’ve lost everything and I don’t have anymore to lose. I felt I lost my dignity. Then I said no more, stopped the medication, detoxed myself, walked far almost everyday until I could run and I’ve been running since. I don’t hate myself anymore and all that shame is turning into anger at what happened to me. I felt overwhelmed at what I had to overcome but it’s just one day at a time and it’s slowly getting better. You’ll have to fight yourself at first. Face the shame, walk into it and be honest with yourself.  You don’t deserve to live with it.  No one does.  It’s a long haul and you can’t give up long term yes maybe you’ll feel defeated some days or some weeks but if you just put one foot in front of the other and take 1 step at a time, I think you’ll find you can start to turn things around. It was horrific and it felt terrible but it started changing for me. Get help from others where you can but take charge yourself. Don’t let anyone walk on you bc you don’t deserve it. You can get out of this.

 

One suggestion is to join a church or try an AA or NA meeting to help with the shame. You can just observe.  The spiritual piece can be really healing. You may make a friend.

[[mi...]]

I like your name.  What is the meaning behind it?  When I was down and out with no money I went to the Salvation Arm store and the Good Will store to buy cloths.  The Salvation store was the best.  The city the Salvation Store was at was a upper middle class city and I found cloths that still had tags on them and name brand cloths for under $10.  The slightly used name brand clothes where 3,4, 5 bucks.  It just took lot's of time to sort thru all of the junk.  But heck what else did I have to do with my time?  UGH.  I have no A/C I'm sweating so bad.  I won't be able to sleep tonight. It's so hot. 

 

You could get a couple pair of jeans and couple of shirts for $20 -$25.  That will lift your mood.  I did IOP before.  Three times.  Once for my eating disorder. Only lasted for a day and a half then I had to be hospitalized cause me heart was failing.  Then was flown out-of-state to a residential treatment center for months of rehab.  Twice for the others.  It's good and needed when you are in a bad place.  It gives you structure anBd coping.

 

MissBella

 

 

[[pu...]]

What is it that you hate yourself so much?  You can't be all that bad!!!

 

MissBella

 

It’s part of my dysfunction. Or disorder, rather. Plus my life is in shreds. I live daily within the rubble of my blown up life. I barely even have any decent clothes to wear to my part time job, which I’m barely able to cope with for a measly 12 hrs per week. I look horrendous. I’m ashamed to be seen in public. I’m ashamed of so many things I’ve done. Living in my hometown that I have persistently tried to escape because I was treated so poorly here. No friends. Just a cesspool of shame.

 

I’ll stop my pity party here.

 

I guess I’m just trying to answer why I hate myself and my life so much, and that I have so much rebuilding to do in my life, and now, with benzo withdrawal on top of it, everything is quite insurmountable.

 

Here’s what I would say.  Take only what’s helpful and forgive any unintended offense. These are common symptoms when going through w/d - poor self esteem and poor self confidence. I hated myself too and I felt so ashamed for so long. I got to a point where I was like I’ve lost everything and I don’t have anymore to lose. I felt I lost my dignity. Then I said no more, stopped the medication, detoxed myself, walked far almost everyday until I could run and I’ve been running since. I don’t hate myself anymore and all that shame is turning into anger at what happened to me. I felt overwhelmed at what I had to overcome but it’s just one day at a time and it’s slowly getting better. You’ll have to fight yourself at first. Face the shame, walk into it and be honest with yourself.  You don’t deserve to live with it.  No one does.  It’s a long haul and you can’t give up long term yes maybe you’ll feel defeated some days or some weeks but if you just put one foot in front of the other and take 1 step at a time, I think you’ll find you can start to turn things around. It was horrific and it felt terrible but it started changing for me. Get help from others where you can but take charge yourself. Don’t let anyone walk on you bc you don’t deserve it. You can get out of this.

 

One suggestion is to join a church or try an AA or NA meeting to help with the shame. You can just observe.  The spiritual piece can be really healing. You may make a friend.

What is it that you hate yourself so much?  You can't be all that bad!!!

 

MissBella

 

It’s part of my dysfunction. Or disorder, rather. Plus my life is in shreds. I live daily within the rubble of my blown up life. I barely even have any decent clothes to wear to my part time job, which I’m barely able to cope with for a measly 12 hrs per week. I look horrendous. I’m ashamed to be seen in public. I’m ashamed of so many things I’ve done. Living in my hometown that I have persistently tried to escape because I was treated so poorly here. No friends. Just a cesspool of shame.

 

I’ll stop my pity party here.

 

I guess I’m just trying to answer why I hate myself and my life so much, and that I have so much rebuilding to do in my life, and now, with benzo withdrawal on top of it, everything is quite insurmountable.

 

Here’s what I would say.  Take only what’s helpful and forgive any unintended offense. These are common symptoms when going through w/d - poor self esteem and poor self confidence. I hated myself too and I felt so ashamed for so long. I got to a point where I was like I’ve lost everything and I don’t have anymore to lose. I felt I lost my dignity. Then I said no more, stopped the medication, detoxed myself, walked far almost everyday until I could run and I’ve been running since. I don’t hate myself anymore and all that shame is turning into anger at what happened to me. I felt overwhelmed at what I had to overcome but it’s just one day at a time and it’s slowly getting better. You’ll have to fight yourself at first. Face the shame, walk into it and be honest with yourself.  You don’t deserve to live with it.  No one does.  It’s a long haul and you can’t give up long term yes maybe you’ll feel defeated some days or some weeks but if you just put one foot in front of the other and take 1 step at a time, I think you’ll find you can start to turn things around. It was horrific and it felt terrible but it started changing for me. Get help from others where you can but take charge yourself. Don’t let anyone walk on you bc you don’t deserve it. You can get out of this.

 

One suggestion is to join a church or try an AA or NA meeting to help with the shame. You can just observe.  The spiritual piece can be really healing. You may make a friend.

 

I would like to be able to do what you have done. But between the agoraphobia and the shame, i can hardly leave my house. Except to work, and even that is a feat. I can hardly stand to have someone next to me. I don’t see how I can sit through a meeting. I can literally hardly sit still in one place for long.

[[pu...]]

I like your name.  What is the meaning behind it?  When I was down and out with no money I went to the Salvation Arm store and the Good Will store to buy cloths.  The Salvation store was the best.  The city the Salvation Store was at was a upper middle class city and I found cloths that still had tags on them and name brand cloths for under $10.  The slightly used name brand clothes where 3,4, 5 bucks.  It just took lot's of time to sort thru all of the junk.  But heck what else did I have to do with my time?  UGH.  I have no A/C I'm sweating so bad.  I won't be able to sleep tonight. It's so hot. 

 

You could get a couple pair of jeans and couple of shirts for $20 -$25.  That will lift your mood.  I did IOP before.  Three times.  Once for my eating disorder. Only lasted for a day and a half then I had to be hospitalized cause me heart was failing.  Then was flown out-of-state to a residential treatment center for months of rehab.  Twice for the others.  It's good and needed when you are in a bad place.  It gives you structure anBd coping.

 

MissBella

 

 

 

Even before benzos I only did goodwill. New clothes are to expensive. I feel like I’m undeserving of anything. Even goodwill.

 

Purpleheart is because I felt like my heart was going to explode from the chest pain when I was in acute. And plus some other stuff I can’t talk about now.

[[pu...]]

I like your name.  What is the meaning behind it?  When I was down and out with no money I went to the Salvation Arm store and the Good Will store to buy cloths.  The Salvation store was the best.  The city the Salvation Store was at was a upper middle class city and I found cloths that still had tags on them and name brand cloths for under $10.  The slightly used name brand clothes where 3,4, 5 bucks.  It just took lot's of time to sort thru all of the junk.  But heck what else did I have to do with my time?  UGH.  I have no A/C I'm sweating so bad.  I won't be able to sleep tonight. It's so hot. 

 

You could get a couple pair of jeans and couple of shirts for $20 -$25.  That will lift your mood.  I did IOP before.  Three times.  Once for my eating disorder. Only lasted for a day and a half then I had to be hospitalized cause me heart was failing.  Then was flown out-of-state to a residential treatment center for months of rehab.  Twice for the others.  It's good and needed when you are in a bad place.  It gives you structure anBd coping.

 

MissBella

 

 

 

What is IOP?

 

I was so hot last night too. I didn’t sleep enough.

[[pu...]]

I like your name.  What is the meaning behind it?  When I was down and out with no money I went to the Salvation Arm store and the Good Will store to buy cloths.  The Salvation store was the best.  The city the Salvation Store was at was a upper middle class city and I found cloths that still had tags on them and name brand cloths for under $10.  The slightly used name brand clothes where 3,4, 5 bucks.  It just took lot's of time to sort thru all of the junk.  But heck what else did I have to do with my time?  UGH.  I have no A/C I'm sweating so bad.  I won't be able to sleep tonight. It's so hot. 

 

You could get a couple pair of jeans and couple of shirts for $20 -$25.  That will lift your mood.  I did IOP before.  Three times.  Once for my eating disorder. Only lasted for a day and a half then I had to be hospitalized cause me heart was failing.  Then was flown out-of-state to a residential treatment center for months of rehab.  Twice for the others.  It's good and needed when you are in a bad place.  It gives you structure anBd coping.

 

MissBella

 

 

 

What is IOP?

 

I was so hot last night too. I didn’t sleep enough.

 

I am so scared to go inpatient. I don’t want to lose my job. They offered me full time starting in August. One of the reasons I think I need to go is to try to get stabilized so I can try to work full time.

[[pu...]]

I like your name.  What is the meaning behind it?  When I was down and out with no money I went to the Salvation Arm store and the Good Will store to buy cloths.  The Salvation store was the best.  The city the Salvation Store was at was a upper middle class city and I found cloths that still had tags on them and name brand cloths for under $10.  The slightly used name brand clothes where 3,4, 5 bucks.  It just took lot's of time to sort thru all of the junk.  But heck what else did I have to do with my time?  UGH.  I have no A/C I'm sweating so bad.  I won't be able to sleep tonight. It's so hot. 

 

You could get a couple pair of jeans and couple of shirts for $20 -$25.  That will lift your mood.  I did IOP before.  Three times.  Once for my eating disorder. Only lasted for a day and a half then I had to be hospitalized cause me heart was failing.  Then was flown out-of-state to a residential treatment center for months of rehab.  Twice for the others.  It's good and needed when you are in a bad place.  It gives you structure anBd coping.

 

MissBella

 

 

 

What is IOP?

 

I was so hot last night too. I didn’t sleep enough.

 

I am so scared to go inpatient. I don’t want to lose my job. They offered me full time starting in August. One of the reasons I think I need to go is to try to get stabilized so I can try to work full time.

 

I missed work today.

[[pu...]]

I like your name.  What is the meaning behind it?  When I was down and out with no money I went to the Salvation Arm store and the Good Will store to buy cloths.  The Salvation store was the best.  The city the Salvation Store was at was a upper middle class city and I found cloths that still had tags on them and name brand cloths for under $10.  The slightly used name brand clothes where 3,4, 5 bucks.  It just took lot's of time to sort thru all of the junk.  But heck what else did I have to do with my time?  UGH.  I have no A/C I'm sweating so bad.  I won't be able to sleep tonight. It's so hot. 

 

You could get a couple pair of jeans and couple of shirts for $20 -$25.  That will lift your mood.  I did IOP before.  Three times.  Once for my eating disorder. Only lasted for a day and a half then I had to be hospitalized cause me heart was failing.  Then was flown out-of-state to a residential treatment center for months of rehab.  Twice for the others.  It's good and needed when you are in a bad place.  It gives you structure anBd coping.

 

MissBella

 

 

 

What is IOP?

 

I was so hot last night too. I didn’t sleep enough.

 

I am so scared to go inpatient. I don’t want to lose my job. They offered me full time starting in August. One of the reasons I think I need to go is to try to get stabilized so I can try to work full time.

 

I missed work today.

 

I had almost quit cigarettes early on in acute. Now I’m so agitated and irritable that I am chain smoking.

 

How will I go without smoking in impatient? They will lock me in there and I’m afraid I’ll lose my mind.

[Guest [di...]]

They forced me to CT because they are evil, and don't believe benzo wd is real. Never abused it and was on a slow taper. I had nurses laughing in my face telling me I was making it up and crazy. Other nurse told me he'd seen patients have seizures on unit from what they were doing there. It was really, really horrific. It was NOT even a detox facility. They traumatized me. I was forced onto high dose of gabapentin that really messed me up and then reinstated when I was feeling like you are describing and am slow tapering. They lied and said I was suicidal and did a 14 day hold even though I was only feeling suicidal the first day...

 

I tried just about every SSRI, mood stabilizer, bipolar med, all the drugs you can imagine. I became full on allergic to the lithium/lamictal cocktail I got off years ago that was causing all kinds of health problems, along with benzo wd I didn't know was going on. Now if I take any psych med I have reaction like you where it causes me to be further destabilized, or an allergic reaction, or an immediate migraine that just gets worse and worse. I think benzos have made me very sensitive to psych meds.

 

The one thing that does help a bit is a ketamine nasal spray my psychiatrist has had compounded for me over the past year but it's rare to find one who will do this. It's the only one I tolerate.

 

Thought for you is to look into outpatient programs as well. You can do PHP (partial hospitalizations) or IOP (less days usually than PHP) where you just go during the day or a few days per week. You can ask your therapist about these or call your insurance mental health line. That being said psych wards and residential treatment programs really helped me once upon a time, and it's usually easier to get into their outpatient programs after you go inpatient...good luck

 

That is so terrifying!

 

So was their rationale that the Valium was causing the problem?

 

Rationale? LOL. They didn't have rationale or use logical at all. It was pure ignorance and hospital policy that 'they just don't allow those meds there.' I watched them abuse patients and their rights. I watched them force an elderly lady off benzos who fully lost her mind, another one was hallucinating. Believe me they wished I wasn't there, haha, because I told the patients and helped them get advocates and fought for myself. That made it worse for me but that's who I am. They didn't listen to my psychiatrist when he called, they didn't tell me when I had phone calls, they forced me to take the meds or I'd be stuck there. It was not a good place. Bad administration. When I told a counselor in a group specializing in chemical dependency what they were doing he was in shock. I already knew all about benzo wd and they tried to make me think I was insane and it wasn't real.

 

IOP is intensive outpatient, usually like less days a week than PHP, they are both programs psychiatric hospitals tend to have for discharged patients or those who don't need full on inpatient care.

 

IOP is

[[pu...]]

They forced me to CT because they are evil, and don't believe benzo wd is real. Never abused it and was on a slow taper. I had nurses laughing in my face telling me I was making it up and crazy. Other nurse told me he'd seen patients have seizures on unit from what they were doing there. It was really, really horrific. It was NOT even a detox facility. They traumatized me. I was forced onto high dose of gabapentin that really messed me up and then reinstated when I was feeling like you are describing and am slow tapering. They lied and said I was suicidal and did a 14 day hold even though I was only feeling suicidal the first day...

 

I tried just about every SSRI, mood stabilizer, bipolar med, all the drugs you can imagine. I became full on allergic to the lithium/lamictal cocktail I got off years ago that was causing all kinds of health problems, along with benzo wd I didn't know was going on. Now if I take any psych med I have reaction like you where it causes me to be further destabilized, or an allergic reaction, or an immediate migraine that just gets worse and worse. I think benzos have made me very sensitive to psych meds.

 

The one thing that does help a bit is a ketamine nasal spray my psychiatrist has had compounded for me over the past year but it's rare to find one who will do this. It's the only one I tolerate.

 

Thought for you is to look into outpatient programs as well. You can do PHP (partial hospitalizations) or IOP (less days usually than PHP) where you just go during the day or a few days per week. You can ask your therapist about these or call your insurance mental health line. That being said psych wards and residential treatment programs really helped me once upon a time, and it's usually easier to get into their outpatient programs after you go inpatient...good luck

 

That is so terrifying!

 

So was their rationale that the Valium was causing the problem?

 

Rationale? LOL. They didn't have rationale or use logical at all. It was pure ignorance and hospital policy that 'they just don't allow those meds there.' I watched them abuse patients and their rights. I watched them force an elderly lady off benzos who fully lost her mind, another one was hallucinating. Believe me they wished I wasn't there, haha, because I told the patients and helped them get advocates and fought for myself. That made it worse for me but that's who I am. They didn't listen to my psychiatrist when he called, they didn't tell me when I had phone calls, they forced me to take the meds or I'd be stuck there. It was not a good place. Bad administration. When I told a counselor in a group specializing in chemical dependency what they were doing he was in shock. I already knew all about benzo wd and they tried to make me think I was insane and it wasn't real.

 

IOP is intensive outpatient, usually like less days a week than PHP, they are both programs psychiatric hospitals tend to have for discharged patients or those who don't need full on inpatient care.

 

IOP is

 

Can you do intensive outpatient without having done inpatient exclusively?

[[mi...]]

Sorry,  IOP gives you structure and coping skills.  Didn't prove read my message last time.

 

I agree with the other posts.  We need to be very kind to ourselves.  Most of us here did not intentionally sign up for this hell we put ourselves in and we should not be in shame for it.  It is what is and we need to be kind to ourselves. 

 

This benzo w/d can be so destructive to our minds/bodies/souls.  The benzo w/d mind plays tricks on us.  Don't let it win.  It enters our minds and tells us we are not worth it.  It's not worth living anymore, etc....  I get the same intrusive thoughts and when I do (and the voices are sooooo strong) I keep telling myself it is the benzo w/d voice and I talk back and tell it that it is not so and STOP.  I have had depression before in life.  This benzo depression is different and it's a monster but it can be defeated.  Talk back to it and don't let it control you. 

 

Every night when I lay my head on my pillow and say my prayers.  I thank the lord for helping me get through one more day.  And I say to myself "I did it!  I am one more day closer to being benzo free and....  recovery!!!  I also use Mindfulness training throughout the day when the going gets tough.  So, when you are having a really difficult moment or time, stop and take a deep breath slowly take a deep breath in, hold 4 seconds, slowly exhale 6 seconds. Do it again until you calm down.  Mindfulness is all about being in the moment.  Another example I do is I will go out on the back porch and do deep breathing and concentrate on just listening to the birds chirping; or I may visually watch the birds fly; or I may close my eyes and concentrate on feeling the wind blow on my face.  The concept I am trying to convey is staying in the moment and distracting from your thoughts, feelings, sxs, fears, etc....  You can focus on anything that appeals to you that will distract you from your distress.  Just a very quick rudimentary explanation of Mindfulness!!!!  But it works!!!

 

MissBells

[[mi...]]

Why do you feel so undeserving?  I hope you are working with your therapist on this issue now.

 

MissBella

[[mi...]]

PH,

IF you go inpat tomorrow, will the full=time work still be on the table in August?  If so, it sounds like it might be a good plan.  Agitation and chain smoking - I picked it up bad when I started to taper.  The restlessness and akasia or whatever its called where I can't sit still is horrible.

 

MissBella

 

[[pu...]]

Well, I hope. It might be better to wait until my break starts in 2 weeks.

 

I just don’t know how much longer I can keep white-knuckling it every day like this.

 

I just don’t want to get locked in there against my will. Maybe this is a bad idea.

[[pu...]]

PH,

IF you go inpat tomorrow, will the full=time work still be on the table in August?  If so, it sounds like it might be a good plan.  Agitation and chain smoking - I picked it up bad when I started to taper.  The restlessness and akasia or whatever its called where I can't sit still is horrible.

 

MissBella

 

 

Yeah, I mean, I don’t know if what I’m experiencing is akasthisia, mania (from not only w/d, but possible underlying bipolar) or a combination of the two.

[[mi...]]

PH

 

You know best since you are the one experiencing the emotions.  Best advice I can give if you are not sure what to do is pick up the phone tomorrow and call your therapist and talk about what you should do based on what you are feeling tonight.

 

I need to call it a night.

 

Keep me in the know.  Take Care!!!  Just Remember.  Tonight when you go to bed; you are one day closer to being healed from benzo hell!!!

 

MissBella

 

[Guest [di...]]

Well, I hope. It might be better to wait until my break starts in 2 weeks.

 

I just don’t know how much longer I can keep white-knuckling it every day like this.

 

I just don’t want to get locked in there against my will. Maybe this is a bad idea.

 

Sorry I'm not trying to scare you, have you been in the psych ward before? They can technically only hold you if you are suicidal or in psychosis (in the US, and holds vary state to state). You haven't mentioned being either. It was odd I was put on an involuntary hold when I was a voluntary admit. You can call the hospital and ask about outpatient psychiatric services first, people con sometimes work PT while doing IOP (group therapy and usually see psychiatrist weekly too). Or call your therapist so they can assess what would be best for you and give you recommendations. Or just say you need help and go get admitted. It's not like any psych hospital is a trip to hawaii or something, but I've def needed them. The whole thing is that you are locked in there, even on voluntary, but you can usually leave on a voluntary admit, even if it takes time/paperwork and you can't just walk out the door. Like I said you are already off benzos so it's not like they can CT you. It might be the break you need and your employer would hopefully be understanding of this, you will have a phone to use and can say you are in hospital, sometimes they will call for you...I'm sorry you are going through this.

[[pu...]]

Thanks all for your replies.

 

 

I guess I am going to have to roll the dice and be my own advocate -- because I am not willing to wait a matter of years for this to resolve.

 

 

I have too much in my life I have to rebuild.  Hopefully I will be able to find an adjunct medication that will help.  If not, reinstatement is an option, though that is a last resort.

 

 

There is a quality of life component that I am not willing to sacrifice much more of my life for...  If it costs me my job, so be it.

 

 

I have had it with this. My patience has worn thin to the point of no return.  I have been through too much to continue living like this.  I have very low quality of life, and I want to improve it if at all possible.

 

 

I have read some journal articles that tegretol has helped some.  I really do not have much to lose by trying a different adjunct medication at this point.  Unless it makes me worse, but if I do not try, I will never know.  I have tried the waiting game, and I have had enough. 

[[Fo...]]

Hoping you find peace and wisdom in a carer or therapist. You have been through so much.

Thoughts with you PH in the days ahead

Forty aka Dick 

[[pu...]]

Hoping you find peace and wisdom in a career or therapist. You have been through much.

Thoughts with you PH in the days ahead

Forty aka Dick 

 

Thank you, Dick.

[[NH...]]

purpleheart18 you need some sleep bud.

 

Stress and lack of sleep while going through WD is a terrible thing.

You certainly have good reason to feel depressed and stressed with the life situation. Combine that with lack of sleep and you are going to feel absolutely awful.

 

We heal when we sleep.

 

If you can't sleep and are laying in bed thinking about all these things in your life, it's the stress that is keeping you up.

 

I know you don't want to go through a lengthy period to recover but it's not really something we have any choice about.

We live in a society that judges us on things like how much money we make, how nice our car or clothing are, how we look, our relationships and other things that in my opinion are nowhere near to the 1 thing that really matters most, what skills have we added to our person, and, are we willing to try to change who we are to become a better person.

 

Ignore what people think about you. Most of those people can't even see their own faults and yet would judge others? No, they don't get to judge you who is here actively trying to make yourself a better person. If SHTF tomorrow who would those people be?

Don't give in to shame. You know the mistakes you have made in this life or you wouldn't even feel that shame, so that means you WANT to be a better person. There are true monsters out there who make excuses for their mistakes or worse yet enjoy doing it.

One day you will be the wise man, while others have no clue, and no life skills, just their paper with numbers printed on it.

I've seen video from the World Wars where people are shoveling millions of dollars into a little stove just to try and stay warm. Money is only useful when times are good. When times are truly bad it is next to useless. Skills and experience are the greatest thing you can have. These rough times are going to make you so much stronger than everyone else!

 

You went CT in December, that was only 5 months ago so you are right in the thick of it right now.

At 5 months into my taper I was a mess. A big mess. I would go to the store stinking because I didn't have the will to shower or do laundry. I couldn't work or enjoy anything. I too thought I was bipolar, but it's the WD man, your brain is all kinds of damaged right now and it needs to heal. It needs sleep.

Let go of the guilt. Don't think about it. Think about the skills you have that others do not and love yourself for who you are and who you plan to be! Some people are garbage and have no plans to be anything other than garbage. That isn't you, and that alone makes you better than those people.

Don't let some crackpot convince you that looking at a red lightbrite is going to fix your problems, that same field of medicine was driving metal spikes into peoples brains 60 years ago and destroying humans in the name of "science." They still conduct experiments on the elderly, pretending they are helping them when in fact they are just using them as lab rats. They are the ones that put us on this poison that gave us brain damage.

 

Depression isn't always a chemical imbalance in the brain that requires SSRI's, sometimes people are depressed with good reason because life is rough and things are not going well. If someone is depressed after a major accident where they lose a limb is it because of a chemical imbalance in the brain? No it's because they lost a limb and that sucks. They need time to cope with that fact and find out how they are going to move forward from there.

 

I watched a Q&A with Jordan B Peterson not long ago and someone asked him a great question. They asked him what should you do when you are so depressed that you can't function and can't do anything at all.

His answer was to just do something, even if it's a fraction of a baby step. To do only what you can handle. If you look at the entirety of what needs to be fixed it's going to be overwhelming. So just do 1 thing and then be proud that you did more than nothing. If you have a kitchen filled with dirty dishes, wash a single dish. Just 1. After you do that 1 dish ask yourself if you are good to do 1 more, but don't expect it, and if the answer is no, don't feel shame, be proud that you did something more than nothing.

If you try to hold yourself to the ideal that you should be cleaning the entire kitchen in 1 go you are setting yourself up for more than you can handle at this time. Sometimes people who get seriously injured need to lay in a bed in a hospital for months to do nothing other than heal. To sleep over and over until they are ready to get back out there and fight through this life.

There is no shame in needing to heal bud.

[[pu...]]

purpleheart18 you need some sleep bud.

 

Stress and lack of sleep while going through WD is a terrible thing.

You certainly have good reason to feel depressed and stressed with the life situation. Combine that with lack of sleep and you are going to feel absolutely awful.

 

We heal when we sleep.

 

If you can't sleep and are laying in bed thinking about all these things in your life, it's the stress that is keeping you up.

 

I know you don't want to go through a lengthy period to recover but it's not really something we have any choice about.

We live in a society that judges us on things like how much money we make, how nice our car or clothing are, how we look, our relationships and other things that in my opinion are nowhere near to the 1 thing that really matters most, what skills have we added to our person, and, are we willing to try to change who we are to become a better person.

 

Ignore what people think about you. Most of those people can't even see their own faults and yet would judge others? No, they don't get to judge you who is here actively trying to make yourself a better person. If SHTF tomorrow who would those people be?

Don't give in to shame. You know the mistakes you have made in this life or you wouldn't even feel that shame, so that means you WANT to be a better person. There are true monsters out there who make excuses for their mistakes or worse yet enjoy doing it.

One day you will be the wise man, while others have no clue, and no life skills, just their paper with numbers printed on it.

I've seen video from the World Wars where people are shoveling millions of dollars into a little stove just to try and stay warm. Money is only useful when times are good. When times are truly bad it is next to useless. Skills and experience are the greatest thing you can have. These rough times are going to make you so much stronger than everyone else!

 

You went CT in December, that was only 5 months ago so you are right in the thick of it right now.

At 5 months into my taper I was a mess. A big mess. I would go to the store stinking because I didn't have the will to shower or do laundry. I couldn't work or enjoy anything. I too thought I was bipolar, but it's the WD man, your brain is all kinds of damaged right now and it needs to heal. It needs sleep.

Let go of the guilt. Don't think about it. Think about the skills you have that others do not and love yourself for who you are and who you plan to be! Some people are garbage and have no plans to be anything other than garbage. That isn't you, and that alone makes you better than those people.

Don't let some crackpot convince you that looking at a red lightbrite is going to fix your problems, that same field of medicine was driving metal spikes into peoples brains 60 years ago and destroying humans in the name of "science." They still conduct experiments on the elderly, pretending they are helping them when in fact they are just using them as lab rats. They are the ones that put us on this poison that gave us brain damage.

 

Depression isn't always a chemical imbalance in the brain that requires SSRI's, sometimes people are depressed with good reason because life is rough and things are not going well. If someone is depressed after a major accident where they lose a limb is it because of a chemical imbalance in the brain? No it's because they lost a limb and that sucks. They need time to cope with that fact and find out how they are going to move forward from there.

 

I watched a Q&A with Jordan B Peterson not long ago and someone asked him a great question. They asked him what should you do when you are so depressed that you can't function and can't do anything at all.

His answer was to just do something, even if it's a fraction of a baby step. To do only what you can handle. If you look at the entirety of what needs to be fixed it's going to be overwhelming. So just do 1 thing and then be proud that you did more than nothing. If you have a kitchen filled with dirty dishes, wash a single dish. Just 1. After you do that 1 dish ask yourself if you are good to do 1 more, but don't expect it, and if the answer is no, don't feel shame, be proud that you did something more than nothing.

If you try to hold yourself to the ideal that you should be cleaning the entire kitchen in 1 go you are setting yourself up for more than you can handle at this time. Sometimes people who get seriously injured need to lay in a bed in a hospital for months to do nothing other than heal. To sleep over and over until they are ready to get back out there and fight through this life.

There is no shame in needing to heal bud.

 

I just want to sleep and I can’t. 😢

I think the mirtazipine plus stress has made me manic.

[[pu...]]

purpleheart18 you need some sleep bud.

 

Stress and lack of sleep while going through WD is a terrible thing.

You certainly have good reason to feel depressed and stressed with the life situation. Combine that with lack of sleep and you are going to feel absolutely awful.

 

We heal when we sleep.

 

If you can't sleep and are laying in bed thinking about all these things in your life, it's the stress that is keeping you up.

 

I know you don't want to go through a lengthy period to recover but it's not really something we have any choice about.

We live in a society that judges us on things like how much money we make, how nice our car or clothing are, how we look, our relationships and other things that in my opinion are nowhere near to the 1 thing that really matters most, what skills have we added to our person, and, are we willing to try to change who we are to become a better person.

 

Ignore what people think about you. Most of those people can't even see their own faults and yet would judge others? No, they don't get to judge you who is here actively trying to make yourself a better person. If SHTF tomorrow who would those people be?

Don't give in to shame. You know the mistakes you have made in this life or you wouldn't even feel that shame, so that means you WANT to be a better person. There are true monsters out there who make excuses for their mistakes or worse yet enjoy doing it.

One day you will be the wise man, while others have no clue, and no life skills, just their paper with numbers printed on it.

I've seen video from the World Wars where people are shoveling millions of dollars into a little stove just to try and stay warm. Money is only useful when times are good. When times are truly bad it is next to useless. Skills and experience are the greatest thing you can have. These rough times are going to make you so much stronger than everyone else!

 

You went CT in December, that was only 5 months ago so you are right in the thick of it right now.

At 5 months into my taper I was a mess. A big mess. I would go to the store stinking because I didn't have the will to shower or do laundry. I couldn't work or enjoy anything. I too thought I was bipolar, but it's the WD man, your brain is all kinds of damaged right now and it needs to heal. It needs sleep.

Let go of the guilt. Don't think about it. Think about the skills you have that others do not and love yourself for who you are and who you plan to be! Some people are garbage and have no plans to be anything other than garbage. That isn't you, and that alone makes you better than those people.

Don't let some crackpot convince you that looking at a red lightbrite is going to fix your problems, that same field of medicine was driving metal spikes into peoples brains 60 years ago and destroying humans in the name of "science." They still conduct experiments on the elderly, pretending they are helping them when in fact they are just using them as lab rats. They are the ones that put us on this poison that gave us brain damage.

 

Depression isn't always a chemical imbalance in the brain that requires SSRI's, sometimes people are depressed with good reason because life is rough and things are not going well. If someone is depressed after a major accident where they lose a limb is it because of a chemical imbalance in the brain? No it's because they lost a limb and that sucks. They need time to cope with that fact and find out how they are going to move forward from there.

 

I watched a Q&A with Jordan B Peterson not long ago and someone asked him a great question. They asked him what should you do when you are so depressed that you can't function and can't do anything at all.

His answer was to just do something, even if it's a fraction of a baby step. To do only what you can handle. If you look at the entirety of what needs to be fixed it's going to be overwhelming. So just do 1 thing and then be proud that you did more than nothing. If you have a kitchen filled with dirty dishes, wash a single dish. Just 1. After you do that 1 dish ask yourself if you are good to do 1 more, but don't expect it, and if the answer is no, don't feel shame, be proud that you did something more than nothing.

If you try to hold yourself to the ideal that you should be cleaning the entire kitchen in 1 go you are setting yourself up for more than you can handle at this time. Sometimes people who get seriously injured need to lay in a bed in a hospital for months to do nothing other than heal. To sleep over and over until they are ready to get back out there and fight through this life.

There is no shame in needing to heal bud.

 

I just want to sleep and I can’t. 😢

I think the mirtazipine plus stress has made me manic.

 

I was only taking 7.5 mg.