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So many years...how much more can I stand?


[4G...]

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The depression seems to be getting worse every day. Really desperate. Staying in bed because it feels safer. I've been an inpatient before and it didn't help. It wouldn't help this time either. Very scared because I don't know how much more I can take but I have a beautiful 24 yr old daughter and I couldn't do it to her. I've locked my meds in a box and given the key to my boyfriend. It is on his van keyring so when he's at work, I can't get to it. This has been going on for six years now. Bf has stuck with me but I worry about how much more he can stand, even though he hasn't said anything. Any help? Thanks.
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Very very sorry you are going through this.. I can relate, the same thought is on my mind all waking hours. Been at it for a year and not halfway done tapering and had a terrible setback which destroyed my taper and my soul. The depression, anxiety and disconnect from myself the world my family and everything I used to like is gone.

 

I cannot help only tell you that I understand you. Nobody should suffer like this for so long. I wish you well

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Thank you for answering. I'm so sorry that you are also going through this. I'm also sorry about your setback. Hope something helps soon. Gx
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You are still tapering, right?

I was so depressed while tapering that I thought I would not survive it.

After being med free finally, the depression was gone and although I am struggling in life for other reasons - there is no comparison to that kind of depression I felt when I was on the meds and while tapering it.

You are not your true self yet, just keep going and avoid questions like that! You will stand as much as you have to because you are on your way to be free of that med and finally let your brain recover.

:smitten:

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It's cruel indeed, Gilly. I keep asking myself the same questions. This is the beginning of year 5 of being totally dysfunctional. I'm glad I had somehow survived, but that doesn't mean I didn't lose my life in many other ways. I totally understand where you are coming from.

 

It's cruel. We're not tapering. We're barely surviving. So sorry. :(

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Am truly sorry for your situation. The setbacks can be so discouraging too. I feel like it's crushing my soul. It really does seem to strip everything away - down to the core. I spend a lot of time in bed myself after stress starts to take hold. I'm ultra sensitive to stress and doesn't take much. If I don't get back to bed soon, I'm in serious trouble. I mind goes into condemnation, where guilt takes hold and depression soon follows. That's when the world looks black and grotesque. It's intimidating just to face. As was said here - it is so cruel indeed. I don't how any of us get through it, but we do.
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You are on a lot of medication beside the Valium. It’s not surprising you don’t feel well.  Not sure if that is causing your depression but I doubt if it is helping too much.  How did you feel before you started taking any medication?
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The first thing I would do is get your medications reevaluated get undepressed hold your benzo where you’re at right now until you start feeling better just because you stop your benzo doesn’t mean you’re going to  be unDepressed. See your doctor or psychiatrist and get on  right Antidepressants first then worry about the benzo’s later  beCause whatever you’re doing now it’s not working.

 

This is a depression section. Not the taper/medication suggestion section. Sometimes people just need/ask for emotional support. Nothing more.

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4Gilly.......

 

  I noticed Phosphatidylserine helps with Depression.  If you try it, get the Non Soy, Non GMO and cut the capsule and only try a teeny bit at a time every couple of days. Then you can build up to it.  But only take one time in early morning on empty stomach.  Avoid refined sugars ....that causes depression too.  If you don't want to try it, I understand.  Tons of things I cannot take myself.  I am so sensitive.

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Thank you, Everyone. The situation drags on and on. It is a different life to people who have never had it. Yes, I know I'm on a lot of medication and the knowledge of that makes me feel worse. As Ashton recommends giving up the benzo before anything else, then that is what I must do. But for now I am too ill to taper. I'm hoping that a hold might help. Thanks again. Gx
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Gilly, had another soul crushing day of depression myself. It's worse than ever - since this Benzo ordeal. I so understand what you are going through - it's not easily put into words but I can sometimes recognize it when someone is in mental anguish. Just as was said earlier, sometimes all we want to listened to and embraced. That's all I can offer but it's all that's really worth hearing/feeling, as far as I'm concerned. Love/Peace . . .
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  • 2 weeks later...

I pray things get better for you gilly, you were one of the few ones who talked to me in the long hold group in my early days here. I really appreciate everything you helped me with, and I understand these feelings 100%, gave my mom all my meds as well.

Inpaitent also didnt help me either.

If you need to talk, I'm here for you

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  • 3 weeks later...
For what it's worth, last year I was on Ativan and Lyrica at the same time. I've struggled with depression at times in my life but I never experienced depression so severe. It was horrific. I ended up tapering off the 150 mg/day Lyrica over a couple of months (too fast but I had no choice I was so depressed) and then the Ativan which took another 5.5 months. One possible side effect of Lyrica is suicidal ideation so it's no wonder you're struggling.
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Valium makes me very depressed which I never had. Each time I cut dose, the depression would lift up.

 

It's my indicator to drop dose.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Thank you to everyone who wrote to me. I really hope you are all hanging on. I had a break and held for a while and felt like my normal self. It was great. Then I thought I should really try to taper again and I'm depressed again. So it does seem to be the tapering and not just the drugs I'm taking. I guess it's a case of hanging on again. Best wishes to you all.  :smitten:
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Thank you to everyone who wrote to me. I really hope you are all hanging on. I had a break and held for a while and felt like my normal self. It was great. Then I thought I should really try to taper again and I'm depressed again. So it does seem to be the tapering and not just the drugs I'm taking. I guess it's a case of hanging on again. Best wishes to you all.  :smitten:

 

 

I am sooooo happy for that. That you could feel your old self is so great. And listen to your gut, taking a break - and then move on. Thats so good. And wise. Should be easy for you to finish your taper and stay benzo free then. Not easy = no symptoms, but "easy" seen from the point that you have a secure feeling for what you need and how to move on. Congrats to that! that is huge. :smitten:

Marigold

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I'm going through the same. I'm 3 years off now but still suffer from very bad depression and severe anxiety.

My life has turned into a hell because i've been unable to function properly all these years during and post-benzo. I'm financially ruined and have no financial support whatsoever, developed chronic diseases which are very expensive to treat, lost all friends, will lose my house soon and other problems that all add up to the depression and anxiety. I don't know how long i can cope with it anymore... Everyday now i think i should just end it.

 

I'll pray for your depression to get better.

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dear Nick  :hug:

 

PLEASE hold on... please don't give up. I understand how you feel.

 

in a similar situation as you.... + BattleGaba.... almost 3 yrs now... + still on 2 benzos....

 

i pray for your health + situation to improve  :smitten:

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Nick, Don't let the bastards win! You must hold on!

 

I notice you still have your sense of humour. Anyone with such a fantastic avatar is great by me!

 

Tell me, is it one of your own designs of is it by a famous artist...? Lol!

 

Hugs to everyone here, possibly the most painful thread on the whole forum.....💙💙💙

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Nick, Don't let the bastards win! You must hold on!

 

I notice you still have your sense of humour. Anyone with such a fantastic avatar is great by me!

 

Tell me, is it one of your own designs of is it by a famous artist...? Lol!

 

Hugs to everyone here, possibly the most painful thread on the whole forum.....💙💙💙

 

I got it from a presentation on youtube about proscrastination and panic.

It's really funny, being a master proscrastinator myself

 

PM.png

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Why does the depression get worse or stay exactly the same as time goes on. I'm actually feeling increasingly hopeless, and I've been off benzos for over a year. Is it time to start looking at ways to change my life at this point? Antidepressants? I'm exercising. I'm eating well. Drinking lots of water. No alcohol now for ten months. No caffeine. No supplements. What more can be done?
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Why does the depression get worse or stay exactly the same as time goes on. I'm actually feeling increasingly hopeless, and I've been off benzos for over a year. Is it time to start looking at ways to change my life at this point? Antidepressants? I'm exercising. I'm eating well. Drinking lots of water. No alcohol now for ten months. No caffeine. No supplements. What more can be done?

 

Its the nature of depression that you think it gets worse and worse the longer it gets. I know this sounds paradoxical but I really felt the same way as you did. Maybe try not to monitor yourself and just live day by day. There is no other cure I assume. In most success stories you can read that a lot of us felt the same way like you are now, but recovered. :hug:

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Why does the depression get worse or stay exactly the same as time goes on. I'm actually feeling increasingly hopeless, and I've been off benzos for over a year. Is it time to start looking at ways to change my life at this point? Antidepressants? I'm exercising. I'm eating well. Drinking lots of water. No alcohol now for ten months. No caffeine. No supplements. What more can be done?

 

Its the nature of depression that you think it gets worse and worse the longer it gets. I know this sounds paradoxical but I really felt the same way as you did. Maybe try not to monitor yourself and just live day by day. There is no other cure I assume. In most success stories you can read that a lot of us felt the same way like you are now, but recovered. :hug:

 

Great advice 🙏👍

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