Constant thoughts about death.

[[Ma...]]

faking it = more like a baby fakes to walk like an adult..

 

thats how we learn. look on others and try to do the same.

[[of...]]

I havent read every post on this thread, but man is my imagination going against me through this.

im paranoid of heart attacks all the time cause i always feel my heart beating, and my heart rate is alil quicker than a healthy persons should be, and i get palpitations sometimes, and in my mind, its the beginning of the end. I think how even if i make it a full life theres not much time now that im 47, and i ponder if ill get through this with my health intact, and i think of existence and eternity and ugh. my mind goes to some very scary places, and i freak to every little twinge in my chest or body.

 

i feel so fragile, its cruel because my whole intent 5 years ago when I went sober from alcohol and got in the gym, was to leave these sort of thoughts behind, which i was doing, i was doing so well until benzo tolerance started to settle in, and as my body went downhill with all the adrenaline surges and dizziness and all stopping me in my tracks, my mind started to dip down into dark places. it was so discouraging, i was being more mature and healthy than i had ever bene becasue i was exhausted of being anxious and miserable, and then benzo withdrawal said, nope, youre about to get yanked down into a darkness unlike youve ever experienced. i was already tired of those sort of thought patterns before i even had the withdrawal ordeal.

 

and then it got REALLY bad, like why all of us are here.

 

i pray that ill have some years or some time where im not constantly pondering my existence and how much is left, etc. i mean, its a part of life as i passed through my midlife crisis years, but it just hangs over me 24/7, its a horrible, morbid way to live, very scary and not really conducive to healing. very hard to shake these thoughts.

 

sorry for the dark post, (i gotta try to not use as many negative words both here and in my real life) but its the truth of my existence through this awful ordeal. its funny, even when im whining here, which ive done a lot the last few months as my stamina for this is shot, i still dont even barely comment on the darkest or scariest stuff ive experienced cause i dont wana trigger anyone, ive got an extensive imagination and some of the things ive thought....eesh...scary.

 

You write really well Luke, you express everything I’m feeling. Ditto ditto ditto to virtually everything. My imagination has gone so far beyond too. I’m sorry you’re having it too. 

[[of...]]

What if you can’t recall what it feels... like how do you fake it?

...

 

I was just skimming through here & wasn’t going to comment but this post really resonated with me.

This journey feels so alone at times.

 

When I was a young worker, before marriage, kids, benzos, commitments (aside from working...), I had to figure out my job - and it was really hard.  I remember one night, I was completely overwhelmed & trying to pull myself together... one of my co-workers, much more senior to me, sat down and asked how she could help.

 

I asked her how she kept herself together when the *hit was hitting the fan. (because I certainly wasn’t)

 

She said, “I stand up, smile and fake it.  If you do it enough, everyone thinks it’s who you are. Eventually the storm stops and then I can melt down.”

 

I started paying attention to her and trying to copy her - how she handled annoyances, strange people, serious stuff ... from the outside, she looked like one of those people who could handle anything with grace.  Really seeing her, I could tell when she was faking it ... (but I wouldn’t have known if she hadn’t shared that with me.)

 

So, I did my best to emulate her.

I totally faked it.

And it worked.

It didn’t make my job any less stressful, but it changed my attitude about my job - and in many ways, it made my job much easier.

 

—————

 

So relating this tool to benzos ... there were so many days where the darkness was just so overwhelming. Some days, I just needed the rest, so I rested.  But the world didn’t stop because I was in a doom-gloom place.

 

I did my best to “channel” my old faking friend ... I washed my hair, got dressed, put on my make-up, and did one thing.  I let myself be gloomy & paranoid in private but plastered on a smile and faked every interaction - If my one thing was via a phone call, I smiled while I was talking and did my best to be the positive force in the call.

 

And being positive almost always returned positive. 

 

I’d force myself to smile at someone in the grocery store, (inwardly feeling like the walls were falling on me), and 98% of the time someone would smile back.  And would you know, those returned smiles did make me feel a little better ...

 

You don’t have to feel it to fake it.

But it’s remarkable that faking it can bring back some of the feeling.

 

Thanks Janna and everyone...I’ll give some of your suggestions a try.

[[Ro...]]

Yes! But they were only temporary, had them for a short period of time!

[[of...]]

Yes! But they were only temporary, had them for a short period of time!

 

Wow Rodolfo ... way to go...you are an inspiration ! Congrats on your jump...wishing you so much healing and all the best !