So scared

[[be...]]

Every weakness we've ever had is being magnified, scrutinized and thrown back in our faces.

 

...unfortunately, fear is our companion on this journey, its something of a stowaway while we navigate the roughest seas of our lives. But we are still the captains of our ship, and our souls.

 

Luke, I really love this. I, too, have been humbled beyond recognition during this journey. Some of it, for me, is still too raw and hard to write about... But maybe the humbling is the point - and the magnifying of the weaknesses (the ones that were there even before benzo w/d) that need healing... I know it is so, in my case.

 

But we are getting our souls back - unlike so many who will perhaps never come off benzos, and who will lose their souls in the process...and be too fogged even to realise it. (I know a few, and it is unspeakably sad to see.) Yes, we remain the captains of our ship, and our souls.

 

Thank you for your beautiful words.

I second that Luke, hoping that the tide will turn for you soon. 💖 Peace.

[[pr...]]

:smitten: :'( :'(

[[Un...]]

:smitten:  

[[Ol...]]

Luke, you just took this thread to 11. I could not have said it better myself yet it sounds as if you are speaking out of my own mouth (er, I mean, typing/fingers)

I wish technology existed to holographically project us all together to a retreat or something where we could sit in groups and talk together from the safety of our own homes 

[[Un...]]

Im an aging metalhead geek dude lol, and ive been through the ringer with a lot of things in life, but this situation has reduced me to a terrified little kid.

24/7 its battling symptoms, and then, which is even more horrifying at times, its battling this irrepressible fear. its constant. its reduced me to sobbing in the middle of the night, at work hiding out in my car, and in front of my folks and the few close friends im fortunate enough to have give me some understanding. ive been reduced to my most frightened, bare self...

 

For all of our sharing and testimonials on here, this is still an extraordinarily lonely battle, because out there in the world, we are stuck inside ourselves, trying to cope with this in those times when we're not on this board, or in the presence of a compassionate soul. its the ultimate test or torture for we already sensitive people.

 

I feel like I should have keeled over or crumpled into myself a thousand times this past 2+ years, and to this day I question whether Ill survive this or not. As i type this Im at my desk feeling kinda nauseous and very weak, i just had a weird little pang of pain in my chest and as is so often, im wondering if my heart will hold out for the day. This has been life for so long now, and its an awful way to live, sitting here trying to survive and still halfway convinced that Im about to fall over.

 

But Im still here. 2 1/2 years all told. After rushing to the hospital convinced its finally the "big one"; after laying wide awake staring at the ceiling countless nights alone convinced I wasnt gonna see the morning; after being picked up from work and taken home because i could barely walk, much less produce anything; after feeling my pulse race away from me and breath drop out; after feeling the world spin over my head, im still here.

 

Each of us has our own little hell, and its impossibly cruel. Every weakness we've ever had is being magnified, scrutinized and thrown back in our faces. I truly feel that every single ordeal Ive ever dealt with in my life was a cakewalk next to this.

 

But there is another facet that Ive noticed that we all have in common, or at least as far as Ive seen - while i know there are exceptions in extreme circumstances, everyone ive corresponded with in this forum has survived. it may be a mess, it may take dragging, screaming and crying, but everyone has persevered, or is persevering. i take comfort in this, and i hope you can, too.

 

unfortunately, fear is our companion on this journey, its something of a stowaway while we navigate the roughest seas of our lives. But we are still the captains of our ship, and our souls.

 

Peace, prayers and healing to all

 

Luke, thank you for sharing and relating.  I’m so sorry for all you are suffering through.  You’re so brave to be toughing it out like that and work.  You really nailed it on so many levels.  Definitely the roughest, most treacherous waters to navigate.  Nothing I could have ever imagined was possible, this level of scary.  I will remember what you said and take comfort in it, too...  that everyone is surviving and so many have made it through.  And we are making our way through.  Much love to you and everyone.

 

What you said, Kitty...  yes.

 

 

 

It’s hard to think or type today, so I don’t even know if I’m making sense.  Have so much more to say, but feeling too depleted. 

 

Thank you everyone.  Seriously.  I have tears...all the wonderful responses.  :'(

 

Wish there were a sad face with hearts. 

 

Uni

 

 

[[Ch...]]

Im an aging metalhead geek dude lol, and ive been through the ringer with a lot of things in life, but this situation has reduced me to a terrified little kid.

24/7 its battling symptoms, and then, which is even more horrifying at times, its battling this irrepressible fear. its constant. its reduced me to sobbing in the middle of the night, at work hiding out in my car, and in front of my folks and the few close friends im fortunate enough to have give me some understanding. ive been reduced to my most frightened, bare self...

 

For all of our sharing and testimonials on here, this is still an extraordinarily lonely battle, because out there in the world, we are stuck inside ourselves, trying to cope with this in those times when we're not on this board, or in the presence of a compassionate soul. its the ultimate test or torture for we already sensitive people.

 

Brilliant summary of how it feels.

[[li...]]

Hang in there. This too shall pass. This is all temporary even if the road is bumpy. Sometimes it gets really hard. You just gotta endure one day at a time.