Needing some encouragement....way down in the dumps

[[Sl...]]

Hi folks.  Today I have experienced something that has been pretty scary for me, some kind of hardcore scrape with depression.  I'm really looking for some thoughts here, as I am frankly a bit worried after never having experienced anything like this.  Yesterday was my little one's 3rd birthday party, and I had one of the best days I can remember since taking my first benzo over two months ago.  My entire family was here, I felt great, laughed even, and had a fantastic rest of the evening (this has been pretty common for me), even taking both kids to the park for an hour soccer.  I cooked dinner for everyone, took a bath, etc, etc. 

 

I woke this morning to feeling completely loath to get out of bed.  As the morning wore on, I noticed that I began feeling really down in the dumps, way more than ever, with some pretty deep seated (and scary) fears of hopelessness...i.e., this cycle of good and bad will never end.  I cut my morning walk short as I became more focused on these feelings of dread, especially as I couldn't muster any of the normal feelings of joy that automatically come with my most fundamental 'happy triggers', like thinking about my wife or kids.  I just feel....totally empty.

 

I am normally such a joyful person.  And to have to try and tell my wife that all I want to do is lay in bed, is even more debilitating.  But I have absolutely noting in the tank.  I'm running through all these desperate thoughts...do I need call my doc (uggh)? Do I need some kind of antidepressant (I feel they are evil) for the sake of my kids? Is this now the onset of something very sinister and debilitating?

 

One other thing that really frightened me today is that through all of this today, I couldn't even cry. I have found crying to be cathartic sometimes, but today I could even muster the emotion. 

 

This is a new one for me, friends, and know that others have certainly experienced things like this.  Guess I just need a reminder - and hope - that this is the damn benzos, and not the end of my emotional self as I always know it.

 

Thanks benzo buddies.

 

Slater-san

[[Pa...]]

Hi Slater-san,

 

This is benzo withdrawal, this is the horror we all know well.  I couldn't cry for months, I was dead inside, no joy.  These drugs when we reach tolerance and when we're withdrawing take away our good emotions, like joy and laughter and replace them with fear and hopelessness.  The damage this drug does to us is complete, because not only does it hit us hard with physical symptoms, it also hits us emotionally and mentally.

 

I want you to understand something about this process.  This drug will lie to you, it will tell you there is something horribly wrong with you, something you'll never recover from, this is not true.  You can and will recover if you get off of the drug and never take it again.  One thing I noticed though, was that it took away my ability to cope with life.  I've lived a long time and have faced some difficult things which have made me strong, but when this hit, I had no tools, no way to cope with anything.  Somehow, this drugs takes away the tools we've used in life, and we're left with only fear.

 

I tasted benzo depression too, it was cold, dark and very scary, but that was only because I went off the A/D I'd been on previously.  I mistakenly thought I needed to be drug free 5 months into my withdrawal, so I quit taking it.  It was awful, I'd never been so afraid of the feelings I had.  I went back on and things got better.  The trick though, is that people who are withdrawing are sensitive to almost everything, so starting or stopping any drug or supplement will not always be beneficial. 

 

One other thing, most everyone here will agree that mornings are the worst, it could have something to do with cortisol levels and blood sugar.

 

Hang on, this is all "normal", I'm sorry to say.

 

Pam

 

 

[[Sl...]]

Thank you, Pam.  Do you think of the two drugs I am now taking, there is one that is more culpable than the other?  I've read xanax is known to cause depression, but also that Klonopin is the one benzo known to inhibit the uptake of serotonin.  So maybe its the double whammy?

 

I feel strongly about A/Ds, although I've never taken one, and I think this depression is exacerbated when I feel that may be my own recourse.  Knowing this is par fro the course - and that almost like clockwork - my afternoons and evenings get better, provides hope again.

 

Best,

 

Matt

[[Pa...]]

Hi Matt,

 

I don't see one drug or the other causing this for you, it could happen with either, it's actually Valium which has the biggest reputation for causing depression.  You are taking the two most powerful benzo's there are, so you're indeed getting a double whammy, but hopefully the Xanax will be history in the near future.

 

Although Professor Ashton sees no harm in getting on an A/D if absolutely necessary, many have fought through this.  A/D's have been known to increase anxiety, so I don't recommend you go on one at this time, this would be a last resort, and I don't feel you're there yet.  I've since gone off the one I was on for 11 years, because after going through this, I know I was not depressed before.  I went through a time of extreme grief and started taking them, and was just too lazy to stop.  I discontinued my A/D in Dec 2009 and life is good.

[Guest [ke...]]

Valium which has the biggest reputation for causing depression.

 

I can confirm that is true, I'm on it and I've never had such bad depression as this.. not even with my Diagnosis.

 

Matt,

 

I have been on both Klonopin and Valium, Xanax too long ago..

Klonopin did cause some depression, but not like Valium, Valium can bring some down in the pits with depression..it's so long lasting and builds up.

Ashton does speak of using a A/D if really necessary but that's a call you have to make.

It sounds like Emotional Blunting, I hope this passes for you soon.

The depression, I can relate too..

Actually I can relate to it all.. but not through Benzos, I had it before.

 

Keryn.

[[Sl...]]

Thank you, Pam and Keryn. 

 

I am feeling better now, as I seem to always do in the afternoon/evening, and am just amazed at the swing of emotions associated with this.  The physical side too, for that matter, as I just feel exhausted. 

 

You know what amazes me?  For all the people that go through, let alone the number of people prescribed these medications and are yet to go through it, how in the world is there not a more robust support network in every community that provides counseling, support, etc.  Finding this site has been wonderful, but I am just dumbfounded that there is not some an easily recognized support, professional therapy organization for benzo withdrawal in a city the size of Washington DC that allows you to met with an experienced benzo person one on one.  Maybe there is, and I just don't know it yet, but even finding a therapist that focuses on this is like a needle in a haystack.

 

I would love something like that, just because I think the personal connection with another human being is so important for healing.  I will certainly continue to turn to the personal connections already being built on this forum, but I am dumbstruck about all this.  Pam, I know you had found someone like this...how about you Keryn?

 

Matt

[[Pa...]]

Hi Matt,

 

The person I found was here on BenzoBuddies, her name was Tropcialsoul and she was an administrator of the forum while she was in withdrawals.  I often wondered how she could do that when I couldn't even type a post.  I don't know why we're so alone in this, but we are.  I've often been tempted to go back to the detox unit I left AMA and offer my help to others going through this.  But the problem with that is most of those people there are on a cocktail of illegal drugs, so they wouldn't know which drug withdrawal was doing what.  I can promise you, I'd know which one was hanging on the longest, benzo's.

[[el...]]

Slater,

 

I too had deep depression during my klonopin days. It was shocking and scary. I used to get in my car and just drive, trying to drive away from it.

 

Happy to say, it began to lift about halfway through my taper, and was completely gone when I finished. Sometimes it takes a little longer than that, but it will go.

 

 

[Guest [ke...]]

Thank you, Pam and Keryn. 

 

I am feeling better now, as I seem to always do in the afternoon/evening, and am just amazed at the swing of emotions associated with this.  The physical side too, for that matter, as I just feel exhausted. 

 

You know what amazes me?  For all the people that go through, let alone the number of people prescribed these medications and are yet to go through it, how in the world is there not a more robust support network in every community that provides counseling, support, etc.  Finding this site has been wonderful, but I am just dumbfounded that there is not some an easily recognized support, professional therapy organization for benzo withdrawal in a city the size of Washington DC that allows you to met with an experienced benzo person one on one.  Maybe there is, and I just don't know it yet, but even finding a therapist that focuses on this is like a needle in a haystack.

 

I would love something like that, just because I think the personal connection with another human being is so important for healing.  I will certainly continue to turn to the personal connections already being built on this forum, but I am dumbstruck about all this.  Pam, I know you had found someone like this...how about you Keryn?

 

Matt

 

Matt,

 

My depression lifts in the late evening as well, strange eh?

You asked if I found someone? as in?

lol, Benzo brained, can you be specific just a bit more?

No, there are no support groups in my city.. I really have come through this alone..

I have the forum, and that helps a lot.

The w/d's are so emotional and moody, I understand.. it's a up & down scenario..

But the depression will pass.

Klonopin, I had depression, but not like Valium..it casts a depression that can be

"I can't find a word for it."

Keryn.

 

[[Sl...]]

eljay, thanks for the encouraging words, and I'm so glad to hear it passed for you...that immediately lifts my spirits.  i wish i could move towards the klonopin, but i have at least 100 days of xanax titration ahead of me first.  i'm trying to remain up in spirits with all this, but the prospect of feeling like this over the next many months sometimes seems overwhelming, esp with a family to care for. 

 

 

[[Sl...]]

hi again keryn.  yeah it is strange, although for me today it was less pronounced...but i'll take it compared to this morning.  i do hope it lifts....

 

so about the confusion earlier...i just meant did you find someone you could rely on to talk to in person, like a therapist, who understand what withdrawal was like. 

[[Sl...]]

keryn...i should say, too, without being so self centered, that I hope your depression lessens all the time.  i didn't even mention that earlier, and for that i apologize.  i am so sorry it is a rough go sometimes for you on valium. 

[[Pa...]]

You might find that you won't have to take as long as 100 days to taper your Xanax, you won't know until you get started.  This process is about listening to your body, so chances are you might be able to go faster than that.

 

This is also the time to remember one day, one minute at a time, to think about months of suffering will only make you feel worse.  It's important to know that you need to stay calm, to avoid all stress and this means the stress you heap on yourself while contemplating your future. 

 

Distraction is key in this, get your mind on other things as much and as often as you can. 

[[Be...]]

Hi Matt,

 

Your buddies have given you some great advice and support.

 

I too have experienced this awful depression, so my heart goes out to you.  Just know that you are among friends who fully understand how you are feeling.

 

Stay strong.  This is only temporary.

[Guest [ke...]]

hi again keryn.  yeah it is strange, although for me today it was less pronounced...but i'll take it compared to this morning.  i do hope it lifts....

 

so about the confusion earlier...i just meant did you find someone you could rely on to talk to in person, like a therapist, who understand what withdrawal was like. 

 

I don't find you self-centered lol, you're just wanting advice..as we all do.

No, I don't have anyone at the time who understands, all my family lives in the Midwest..

I'm in NY, so I'm about 950 miles from home.

This depression it waxes and wanes, I know..

Just hang in there, if you can find a therapist who can somewhat help..or someone who understands, it's not easy..unless the person has actually been through this.

 

Take care Buddy, Keryn.

[[Sl...]]

Hey folks,

 

One of the things that's hardest for me is knowing that this depression will wax and wane....even when I am feeling good, I am in this fear that I know its coming back.  It makes me feel that when I am feeling good, its all just kinda phony.  Today, I woke up feeling pretty with it - went for a walk, helped the kids get ready for school, came to work, talked with folks, etc. - but I have this constant creeping feeling that the depression is just lurking under the surface.  Why is it so hard to give into that, rather than focus on hey, I feel pretty good? 

 

Slater

 

[[Be...]]

Try not to let that fear get the better of you.  I know it's hard but you have to fight it off in whatever way you can.  Positive affirmations seem to work.

[[Le...]]

Hi Matt-

 

I think you could have written your post for me too.  I am feeling exactly the same way as you.  The depression is my most challenging symptom.  It's hard to distract my mind when the feelings are so overwhleming and depleting.  I too feel like it is just lurking there and every day when I wake up wonder if today is going to be good or bad.  Unfortunately for me, my depression has no pattern.  It comes at all times of the day.  It is scary.  I didn't have depression before benzos.  The first time I felt it was the day after I started klonopin.  

 

Having said all of that, I just had a three week window where I felt no depression.  I even had many confident days where I thought to myself, maybe it's gone for good.  That gives me hope and helps me through the tough times.  I am back in a wave of it now and at times my brain goes into "what if" mode.  The "what ifs" can be a monster to get through.  I just keep busy.  Work helps a lot.  It keeps my mind engaged.  Then when I feel good, I build my confidence back up a best as I can and enjoy the moments.

 

Take care...we will get through this.  Brighter days ahead.