So sad

[[Ki...]]

Ive been consciously tapering off Kpins for a week and a half now and I am very very sad.  It will come and go and I had a few windows yesterday, but the addition of an unsupportive boyfriend of 2 years is making everything so much worse.  The main problem I have had with him is his cocaine usage,...we've made up, broken up more times than I would like to remember over the past 6 months.  This time we decided to take space apart with us both getting healthier and afer a couple weeks coming back together.  He said he still was in love with me and didnt want anyone else, just needed to figure out his life.  After 12 hours of space he was calling me and asking me to eat with him and join him out, which I did. Then he pulled the rug out from under me and said that things were probably completely over and he just 'didnt know'. 

 

Im seriously losing my mind.  I knew in my heart he'd pull this shit again cause hes not sober, but I convinced myself it was the pills talking and he agreed with my 'paranoia'.  I know how he has been treating me is not right, but I keep hanging on...Ive never let someone treat me so bad in my life before and kept giving them second chances. :'(

 

My dreams are violent and Im waking up having panic attacks and the pins and needles dont stop.  Why cant I let this bad situation go??

 

This is not me.  I am a young attractive woman.  I meet men and get asked out everywhere I go but I keep going back to this same shitstorm praying hell stop partying and treat me with the love and respect he used to.

 

Is this just normal behavior for an addict?  He gives me something and right when I feel safe, he takes it away.

 

Then he tells me IM the reason for his unhappiness...because I get upset when he does heavy drugs...

 

Am I scared of leaving because of the w/d Im experiencing?

 

I feel if I was healthy I wouldnt let this shit stand for one second, but right now it keeps hindering my recovery and I need relief more than ever but if I up my dose I feel like it will be the same rollercoaster Ive been on for two years.  Up my dose to deal with his bullshit, he comes running back, I forget about everything thats happened and then he starts to treat me like crap again, I get depressed and so on and so on.

 

:'(

I dont want to get out of bed...ever.

 

Sorry this is so personal, I dont have any friends I want to talk to about it cause I feel like they dont understand.  theyll just tell me yea he's selfish and I should leave him, but they dont understand this deep depression Im already in.

 

How could soemone tell you theyre in love with you one day and want you in their future, have always seen you in their future, and the next break things off so they can go party with their friends without consequence?

 

I want off this ride

[[Mi...]]

Who knows.  That's legit issues and stress in the relationship even disregarding the benzo, so it'[s probably a combo of withdrawal and also the issues themselves.  Anyone would probably feel stress over dealing with the back and forth rbeakups and the cocaine issue and all that.

 

Hopefully it will work out some way.  really it can't be your fault he's unhappy since everyone is responsible for their own happiness... but the whole situation is probably stressful for both.

[[su...]]

KittenMittens, he does what he dose regarding  you is because he doesn't  know what he wants.

[[Ki...]]

I know...it hurts.

 

It feels like a punch in the stomach when Im already on my knees

 

I just dont think I can lose my best friend AND go thru withdrawl without losing myself

 

I wish I was stronger right now

[[Ki...]]

why didnt my doctor warn me these pills would ruin my life?

[[Sq...]]

why didnt my doctor warn me these pills would ruin my life?

 

I don't know. I ask myself that question alot.

 

My real opinion is that the doctors want money.

 

I am so sorry for your pain and suffering, so sorry. ((((((((((((huge Hug)))))

 

There's alot of us here to support you ... just know that.

[[Mi...]]

I still don't understand what's so bad about the meds, but maybe I either didn't have them do as much to me or maybe I just haven't realized it.

[[Ki...]]

ur lucky then

[[Ki...]]

Im kinda confused by ur other posts midnight, you seem to contridict having no issues with Kpins.  But god bless u if you havent.  I suppose you are here for moral support then?

[[Mi...]]

I've had issues coming off of it, but I'm not so sure any issues I had were due to actually being on it.  I hope my issues were from it because that would mean they will eventually go away.  But if I keep thinking irrationally even from now on after being off of it then I'll wonder why I ever got off of it.  I'm here because I still do fear it and also trying to get support while I go through issues, but it's hard to tell if they're from withdrawal or not.  i hope they are and will soon be gone.

[[Te...]]

Hi KittenMittens

 

Benzos have not ruined your life

 

You are just on a very Unpleasant Detour.

 

The Doctors do not get a Bonus from prescribing Drugs.

 

Doctors make money just by being present at the appointment.

 

Many of us Americans go to the Doctor expecting to leave with a Pill.

 

Tell us to exercise, eat better, get more sleep, drink less yada yada yada and we tend to feel we did not get our moneys worth from the appointment with out a script.

 

So Doctor becomes conditioned ( I agree its not a good thing) to pass out pills, be it antibiotics for a viral infection ( won't do any good) or Benzos for ordinary stress ( does much harm).

 

We take pill ( it is so OK in our society) and here we are.

 

KittenMittens you have already made the biggest step toward your regaining and enjoying life, recognizing the need to get Drug Free.

 

Just move forward with a systematic slow taper and when you are Benzo Free the haze will clear and you will once again enjoy your Life.

 

Hope you feel better soon!

 

Teakettle

[[Ki...]]

I hope they go away for you soon as well.  I think many of my issues were the dangerous cocktail of Kpins and alcohol.  My doctor told me it was fine to drink on them, but my tolerance would be lower....Well I thought I was a lil hot shot bartender at this great spot in Chicago and it was not rare for us girls behind the bar to do upwards of 8 shots of Jameson a night.  We were so busy, we never felt the effects until we sat down at 3am.  Then I started noticing the crying spells and moodiness,...its been downhill since then.

 

Have you tried any suppliments like fish oil or Vitamin B?  I know my panic attacks started after me being on birth control too long.  Birth control depletes your B Vitamin which we need for 'normal mental functioning.'  They can wreak havok on a womans body and I personally cannot be on them at all.  Yasmin was the worst for me,...3 years ago, when my doctor gave me Kpins to fix what the yasmin caused.  I briefly began to come off them when I tried the IUD mirena, which has the lowest amount of hormones, and immediately depression and panic attacks came back and so did the Kpins. Now Im addicted and doing all I can to get back to center

 

Good luck sweetheart, it will get better, it has to

[[ko...]]

i was on 3 mg xanax a day for 8 years then in the last 3 years or so drinking all the time about every other day ive gotten off everything in the past 2 months and im feeling a whole lot better its just an agonizing process and giving your brain time to repair takes alot of patience waiting on the w/d symptoms to subside it sucks but they gradually get better it seems i would use a supplement or additive if i thought it sped up the process of healing but ashton seems to think it wont help

[[...]]

hi,

 

i understand the fear of not wanting to be alone during w/d.  it would make sense that you'd keep bringing him back because you probably have a lot of withdrawal induced fear.

 

sorry you're having such a rough time.

 

leslie

[[Sq...]]

How are you doing today Kittens Mittens?

 

Sending you nice energy.

[[na...]]

  I understand what you mean being attractive and not being able to function, I often wonder if I will ever be able to date again??? sing again??? work again??? But know that it will pass, and all be a memory someday.... honestly if your boyfriend is taking hard drugs and shoving guilt on you, say "bye bye", that is what I had to do to my girlfriend, that I was with for 3 years, and the woman I thought I would marry... she didn't understand this nightmare and caused me alot of pain and added stress, did I love her hell yes... Always will, but I now realize she is not the woman for me..... As hard as it is you might need to get rid of your better half.... At least until your better.... Stress greatly increases withdrawal.....  This is your time to shine, not his!!! And fight for what is rightfully yours your life!!!!

 

 

 

    May GOD help us All.......

 

 

 

            Nate(+)