Need Advice - Ugh, this is long.

[[wi...]]

Hi Everyone,

 

It's been awhile since I posted on this forum.  I was taking klonopin, on and off, since around 2001 and at varying doses.  In 2007 it was upped to 1 mg each night and in 2008 it was upped to 2 mg each night.  This really worked great for me, I felt wonderful.  I started making new friends, left an abusive relationship I'd been in for 12 years, moved to a new city, started graduate school and lots of other positive things.

 

I tried to taper off in fall of 2008 after I was settled and had moved and everything.  I got off fine and then ended up going right back on at 1 mg due to horrible insomnia.  I gave it a month or so, tried ambien, and after going on a few hours a sleep a night for that long, I just gave in.  I started back up.

 

In fall of 2009 I started tapering from 1 mg.  It was hard, but it wasn't that hard.  It was much easier than the first time.  I was so happy with my life and everything that I felt a bit on top of the world.  Sure, I was a little sick and anxious and had bad headaches.  They were hard, but OK.  The worst part was I was very irritable and I gained 15 lbs.  I made it off though.  To my suprise, I had no trouble sleeping this time.  I took 2 weeks off work around the time my taper ended and slept 12 hours a night for those 2 weeks. I had no energy to do anything during my time off.  I was kinda down, tired, slept a lot and surfed the net.

 

So I am pretty bummed out that I gained 15 lbs going off klonopin.  I didn't gain anything the fall before when I tried, but in the past I lost when I took it. It just reduces my appetite and makes me feel better.

 

So here I am, it's July and I finished my taper somewhere in Dec I believe (maybe it will show up in my signature line). 

 

I am posting this because, well, I feel really lousy not on the klonopin and I just need someone to talk to about it. I am still irritable and down on most days - sometihng that started on my taper and everyone here assured me was normal and would stop and it hasn't. My anxiety is ok for the most part, it's the irritability.  I am angry a lot of the time, which I guess is part of the anxiety stuff - repressed anxiety or something.  I hate myself most days.  I hate being fat and having none of my clothes fit.  I hate how I look and I hate how I act.  I am crabby and grouchy and so much of me just doesn't care about anyone else anymore.  I've never felt this way before - I used to put all my energy into other people.  And now, it's like I just want to be alone and read books and surf the internet.

 

My fiancee and I live together and he's made comments about me acting like an entirely different person.  It makes me sad.  I'm worried he is going to leave me or my behavior will cause him to divorce me some day.  He tells me he loves me unconditionally and I am not as crabby as I think I am being, that I am being fine, really.  But I don't know...since he did say once that I am angry all the time and another time he said I was like an entirely different person.

 

So yeah, I don't know what to do.  I took up running thinking it would help.  I run several times a week now and have since March 1.  I am up to 5 miles at a time.  It's not helping with the depression or the weightloss, but I do feel better for a few hours after I run, usually.  But just a few hours.

 

I get plenty of sunshine, I walk everywhere, so I am out for 40-60 minutes a day at least.  I eat well and take EPA/DHA and a multi vitamin. I do yoga.

 

I just feel empty inside on a lot of days.  Today is one of them. I don't think it's from withdrawal, I think it's from whatever the klonopin helped me balance out.  And now I don't have that.

 

Advice? Ideas? Anyone else feel this way?

[[st...]]

Hi wildflower,

 

Nice to hear from you again but I wish it was under better circumstances.  I am off xanax 23 months and what you have just described is exactly what I am going through now.  I KNOW it is still from the benzo healing because a few other symptoms appear when this happens.  I have very, very few days where I am not irritated/agitated.  I have great hope this will go away real soon.  I was watching video of me back 3 years ago and I am definately not the same person.  I listen to the ones who have totally been healed and KNOW I will get myself back. 

 

I have also heard from other members about the terrible weight gain.  Give yourself a little longer for the body to get back to homeostasis.  Glad you can exercise so maybe it will keep the weight from really piling on.  I have a pile of clothes that don't fit but I still get the benzo belly stuff going on....every once in awhile I can see that my tummy is really pretty flat.

 

I can't say that I am depressed but I am somewhat down......who wouldn't be!  Just hang on a bit longer.  I now feel I will be healed by the 3 year mark. (sigh)

 

Patty  xo

[[wi...]]

Thanks Patty - I am sorry you are going through this too but I am also glad someone can understand how I am feeling. 

 

It's such a change in me - I feel like I've never felt before and I think the scariest part is that I feel like my abusive Ex.  Not that I am being abusive, but the other characteristics he displayed, like always wanting to be alone, and not being up for much and that sort of thing.  It breaks my heart to think I am shutting down and could shut out my fiancee the way my ex did to me.  It's nowhere near that right now, but it just seems scary to me that I can even relate to him (the ex). 

 

If anyone knows of any online support forums that deal with abuse, I'd love to get the URLs.  I've been looking for years and everything that shows up in a search result is just...wonky.  One is a listserv for yahoo, one you post a story with email address and have people write to you if they want, a few others are just pages with links to book recommendations, and then I found one that was an actual forum, but didn't have really any users.  There were no posts anywhere.

 

Good luck to you Patty, and thanks again for sharing your story.

[[Pa...]]

 

 

It's such a change in me - I feel like I've never felt before and I think the scariest part is that I feel like my abusive Ex.  Not that I am being abusive, but the other characteristics he displayed, like always wanting to be alone, and not being up for much and that sort of thing.  It breaks my heart to think I am shutting down and could shut out my fiancee the way my ex did to me.  It's nowhere near that right now, but it just seems scary to me that I can even relate to him (the ex). 

 

 

 

Could some intrusive thoughts be causing you some of your consternation?  Thinking about the past is normal of course, but do you think benzo withdrawal may be adding to your fears about becoming your ex?

[[wi...]]

I don't know too much about intrusive thoughts, so I will have to google it.  I did see this mentioned in another thread here on depression.

 

When I first started w/d I did have lots of thoughts about past relationships, my ex, etc.  I tried to let them go and then it started to scare me as now it seems I can't even remember a lot of it.  Several years of my life seem to just be a blur.  and maybe they were, so much of my time was spent just trying to get by and not really living or enjoying life.

 

thanks Pam.

[[Pa...]]

This is from the Ashton Manual: 

 

Intrusive memories. A fascinating symptom in patients undergoing benzodiazepine withdrawal is that they often mention the occurrence of what seem to be intrusive memories. Their minds will suddenly conjure up a vivid memory of someone they have not thought about or seen for years. Sometimes the other person's face will appear when looking in the mirror. The memory seems uncalled for and may recur, intruding on other thoughts. The interesting thing about these memories is that they often start to occur at the same time that vivid dreams appear; these may be delayed until one or more weeks after the dosage tapering has started. Since recent sleep research indicates that certain stages of sleep (REMS and SWS) are important for memory functions, it is likely that the dreams and the memories are connected. In both cases the phenomena may herald the beginning of a return in normal memory functions and, although sometimes disturbing, can be welcomed as a sign of a step towards recovery.

 

I just hate to see you put a lot of stock in the direction your thoughts are going if they're still being directed by benzo withdrawals.  You could still come out of this and go on to be happy again.

[[st...]]

I don't think it is intrusive thoughts, wildflower......just our body continuing to heal and finding the right balance.  Our real selves will emerge soon.

 

Patty  xo