19 months (don't read if sensitive)

[[Fi...]]

I honestly don't think I can do this much longer, it's just too off the charts horrible and relentless.

It's just hopeless to live like this. It's so brutal every day and no matter how long I have held on it just keeps going without any let up at all. It's been going on like that for more than two years straight now. I just can't see any hope anymore. I mean for example when I was 3 months out I thought that if I just managed to get to 6 months it had to get better. I somehow did and I wasn't, it was worse.

 

And now that's 14 months in the past and I still haven't gotten better, just worse.

What's the point then? It doesn't help anyway so why put up with any more terrible suffering.

 

Man, have I tried to hope... And pray and fight and accept and thinking positively or whatever. I'm just completely worn out both physically and mentally. 

 

And people say hold on just a little while longer and it'll get better because that's when I got better. Well, I have and I have passed those time frames by 16 months, a year, 8 months etc etc etc too. For some horrible reason, it seems that nothing heals for me. Not only that, it just gets worse. 

It seems entirety pointless to suffer like this...

 

It's so cruel to endure the really unbearable because you fervently hope that by doing so you'll get to see something better and then always experience the opposite: that all your enduring just makes you experience something even worse. And for that to just go on and on and on...

It's also scary and depressing beyond words... It's impossible to explain with words what that feels like. To be in such a nightmare, to so intensely trying and hoping to wake up just to sink deeper and deeper into it.

 

Just the part of trying to deal with all the crushed hope and dreams will destroy a person. To think about how you thought it should be like now compared to what it's really like, it's so undescriablely brutal. And you feel so stupid. It's like you have to carry the entire weight of the difference each and every day. No, every minute...

 

(Please no hard stuff or alternative stuff...)

 

I just hate this for you, my friend.  And I have no words that will ease your suffering.  All I can say is that I hear you and I believe what you're trying to say in describing the horror of this.  I felt this way and know how awful it is, but I did not suffer it as relentlessly as you have, and I just can't tell you how much I admire your persistence in hanging in there.

 

The only thing I'd want to gently argue with is what I've bolded above.  There is nothing stupid about hoping.  There's no tribunal ready to punish you by pointing out that the reality of your situation hasn't matched what you so fervently wished for.  Nobody else thinks you're stupid.  Everybody else thinks you're brave and admirable.  So, to the extent that it's possible to make yourself feel worse with your own condemnation, maybe you could ease up on yourself a bit?  The misery of the situation is enough without you labelling yourself stupid. 

 

I just keep praying that shaft of light would break through.  I wish we were miracle workers and could fix you.  All we can do is let you know we're still here and we still care. 

[[no...]]

Thank you so much for your amazingly kind words, FJ!

 

I agree about the stupid part, but that's just a little part of it, I guess, the hardest part regarding crushed hope and dreams are carrying the "difference" like I mentioned (and that mostly because everything is so unbearable and has been so for so long 

Edit: Oh, and because of all the crushed hope in itself of course...)

 

Thank you so much for caring and for the support and kindness 

[[Fi...]]

You're more than welcome.  I guess I'm just thinking that about the only thing we can try to control in this is how we think about it, how we frame it for ourselves.  All the way through I've had to frequently struggle to take my own advice! 

[[no...]]

Yes, that's very true!

 

Thank you so much again 

[Guest [CM...]]

I am incredibly sorry for your suffering. It is my heart's desire that you experience total healing. You may or may not pray, either way, I am keeping you in my thoughts, prayers and sending out from the rooftops that it is our heart's desire, our will and our right to be healed. Every day I feel as though I can't go on another day and somehow I do. No joy, no happiness, no life, a shell of former self and very little peace. That's all we truly want. To be happy, to be loved, to feel joy and ultimately to experience PEACE. To feel at home in our bodies and minds. I am deep sorry as I know the crushing pain of fatigue and the madness of insomnia and dp/dr and the relentless gnawing at the midline from anxiety. Today, we hold on to hope and I pray you hold on to the messages from your friends here who have expressed their love and concern for you. You too Pil, and everyone feeling hopeless. I truly want us all to be well.

[[no...]]

Thank you, that's so very kind 

 

I recognize the symptoms and feelings that you describe too and I'm so sorry for your suffering too. I hope that things will start getting much better for you very soon!

[[...]]

Norvegia, I just found this post because I have been searching over and over to find someone who had the severe full body pain that I feel everyday..  I don't know how to "hold on" anymore either..  I have continually gotten worse since day one and don't understand it either..  I curl up and pray to god all day/night for at least one symptom to leave so that I can finally "believe" that I am healing, but I still have over 70 plus symptoms and then at 12 months about 30 more new ones came along which only makes me want to escape this constant suffering because nothing is improving..  PLEASE tell me that you have had some healing since you first wrote this post two months ago??  PLEASE anyone tell us that you got so severely worse each day and then something started to change for the better.??  I don't have any hope left in me to fall back on anymore. 

 

Im so sorry you endure this as well Norvegia..  I wish I could take it all away for everyone here..

[[no...]]

Thank you so much for the well wishes and for caring about me! I'm so sorry that you have the horrible pain too and I so hope that it'll start going down for you soon, it's so horrible to endure so much pain and other horrendous symptoms for so long.

 

Unfortunately I still have terrible pain, but I have seen other people on the forum reporting that their pain has gone down considerably or disappeared. We're all so different in how we heal and how long it takes for symptoms to improve so I think it's important that you to focus on the very real possibility that your pain can start to diminish at any time regardless of what any one other individual person has experienced. 

I know how horrible dealing with all the pain is so I really hope and pray that it'll get much better for you soon!

[[Ha...]]

Hei.

I just see that you still visit the forum and i wonder how do you do now.

I hope you’re much better.