18 - 30 Month Plus Group

[[Sk...]]

Good morning hopefully all....

 

Nova-keep it up buddy

 

Sky-I am truly sorry.  Please remember two years is where most people see improvement. 

Baylissa took 26 months.  Not saying this to cheer you up just maybe give you some perspective.  It can change at any moment for any one of us here.  Latly, vent away as much as you want.

 

I am at 17 months today.  Haven't summarized my thoughts about it yet.  My disconnected feeling from reality is gone although I feel a bit hungover and am wary today.

 

Drew, you changed your pic  !!!

 

At first, I was wondering, who are you ? 

 

I sort of think of you as HOmer, no offense meant ! 

 

You did well to change, we are evolving !

[[Sk...]]

Sky -- You won't be protracted. Don't think like that. The way this goes, the sxs you have could all start pealing away tomorrow and surprise, you're healed. Look at how Nova is doing. The wave is talking for you. I always get to thinking that I will be in this much longer than everyone else when I get hit by a wave. We will all pull out of it soon. These late month waves are bad and demoralizing, but at some point the wave you feel will be the last and that will be it.

 

Keep hanging on until then. It's tough. I know my family is losing patience with me, but we are in the zone where most people make huge progress. It's coming to us in the next few month. I can feel it in my bones.

 

Sas, you are right, thanks.

 

It's hard on our families, true.

 

Today, I woke up spoiling for a fight ! I just felt poison coming out of every word I said.

 

So, I just warned Mr Sky and said " listen, today everything I am about to say is going to be bad ! "

 

And he is carefully avoiding me !

 

I woke up with supernose, every smell is veeery strong and irritating.

 

I am so irrritable, it is almost funny. I look like some character in a toon !

 

Drew, thanks, you are right about baylissa.

 

I do need perspective but it's scary to feel so bad this way out. 

 

THe isolation is not helping either.

 

I am at the cafè, it is freezing outside but inside is too noisy.  I did my lesson, at least  that helps blow out some of my steam.

 

I have two lessons later, so will see who is here then.

 

Speak later.

[[Sk...]]

Good Morning ... well ... my window has closed ... disappointing but not discouraging ... it was a very good run for 12 days ... I got a lot done ... and most importantly, it gave me a sense that there really is a "place" we are all moving towards ...

 

After many months of those "doldrums" ... that on again off again cycle of symptoms ... there does exist an end to this process ...

 

So ... focussing on two things ... this nasty little wave that arrived last evening ... and ... hanging on to what I have brought back into my life these past few days and not letting go of it ...

 

Last night and this morning are pretty lousy ... and I have moved a heck of lot closer to where I want to be ...

 

 

NOva, sorry to hear your window has closed but at least you had it and that means there is one coming up soon !

 

Speak soon, I am rushing home for lunch.

 

SIggy, hope your head is a little better, head symptoms drive me nuts, so you have all of my sympathy. 

[[sa...]]

Siggy,

 

I hear you. Missing out on all the social stuff is hard. At work the team meets for an offsite dinner once a month. I have yet to be able to go. To much nausea. Running out of excuses. Hopefully I just won't get invited anymore. That's the state of things. Sad.

 

Funny thing is, when I'm in a Window I'm the life of the party. So things will change some day. For now not much social life and only one friend left. Everyone else is gone. Rolling eyes from the family when I mention how I'm feeling. It's hard to miss all the social stuff, but our job right now is to heal. Nothing else. I make no plans now. There is no point in doing that until this is gone. I will do stuff if I'm feeling good, but it's all seat of the pants planning. I always know the next day / week / month could be much worse.

 

Hope you have a window soon!

 

 

[[Si...]]

Siggy,

 

I hear you. Missing out on all the social stuff is hard. At work the team meets for an offsite dinner once a month. I have yet to be able to go. To much nausea. Running out of excuses. Hopefully I just won't get invited anymore. That's the state of things. Sad.

 

Funny thing is, when I'm in a Window I'm the life of the party. So things will change some day. For now not much social life and only one friend left. Everyone else is gone. Rolling eyes from the family when I mention how I'm feeling. It's hard to miss all the social stuff, but our job right now is to heal. Nothing else. I make no plans now. There is no point in doing that until this is gone. I will do stuff if I'm feeling good, but it's all seat of the pants planning. I always know the next day / week / month could be much worse.

 

Hope you have a window soon!

 

Thanks sasquach! You're getting close to the two year mark. Hopefully you are done with this soon too.

[[Se...]]

Hang tough, guys.  Hang tough.  We are warriors, man.

 

I can't hear out of my right ear very well.  Vestibular stuff just got really bad about 15 mins. ago.  Like loud transitory tinnitus & deafness (more than the kind I've had 24/7 since the start), except it's not leaving that quickly.  Don't want to panic.  I'm just trying to breathe and console myself, telling myself my brain is "re-calibrating" because of course it is, and it won't be pleasant, as we all understand all too well.

 

At least we have many months under our belts.  Just keep swimming. 

 

Love & healing to you all.

 

Serenity

 

 

[[dr...]]

Nova-sorry your window closed   It must have been brilliant and I am sure it filled your tank up with some energy to finish this.

 

I woke up with some cortisol rushes and did my meditations.  I had a 9am appt which was causing me stress so once relaxed I envisioned the whole appt going well from start to finish several times.  It really helped relax me and brain finally accepted this was just another conversation with a client and nothing more or less.  he cxled this morning after I got in   Once these benzo symptoms subside I now have all the tools needed to conquer the world!  

 

I have found my mind has been going down the rabbit hole of being stuck like this. Not being able to have simple conversations, losing more of my life, etc....  I have remedied this by posting my new mantra "this is temporary" everywhere.  It jsut seems to calm my mind from going down the path of stupidity. 

 

Nothing other than that.  Also woke with a stiff neck and the other usual fun head stuff.  Have a massage at 2pm.  Onward..ugh!!!

 

Hope coop et al missing are having the time of their lives.  I really hope that's the case.   

[[...]]

Sounds like we're all in similar places. I'm really low at the moment, it's sickening having to deal with this day after day. And I suspect I'm not alone in feeling like a lonely loser, judging by what everyone is saying. It's comforting to know I'm not alone, but sad non the less. Yes, we have all those months under our belts, never to be done again. who wouldn't feel down in the dumps, battling through each day with the pain, the fear, the cement coated brain. There's just no joy, I'm reassured it will all come back....... please hurry. Idk, I'm tired and beaten down. Think some tears are needed.

 

Nova sorry your window closed but hope you are encouraged. Your healing is speeding up and having a little break right now.

 

Sky, great to hear from you. Wow do I understand your crankiness. I feel like a miserable old weasle ugh and am mourning the end of summer and still feeling like a big bag of poo. It won't be long, I promise 

 

I wonder how Coop is doing, I miss her but I hope she is doing well and Green 

[[Si...]]

Sorry you're getting hit with the junk Nova. Any improvement as the day wears on?

 

Took me a while to fall asleep last night. Thought it would end up being a sleepless one, but luckily did eventually fall asleep. Still have the head pressure and burning spine, but it's seems to be diminishing very slightly every day.

 

We had a company wide meeting today (they usually have one a few times a year). They provide lunch after the meeting. I opened a bag of chips and luckily before I started eating them I decided it was a good idea to read the ingredients. Of course they have MSG in them! That ingredient is super high on my list of stuff to never eat. I am however drinking an orange soda and going to eat the chocolate cookie. Hope the sugar doesn't do me in.

 

Good luck with your message drew. Hopefully it will work the kinks out.

[[...]]

Nova-sorry your window closed   It must have been brilliant and I am sure it filled your tank up with some energy to finish this.

 

I woke up with some cortisol rushes and did my meditations.  I had a 9am appt which was causing me stress so once relaxed I envisioned the whole appt going well from start to finish several times.  It really helped relax me and brain finally accepted this was just another conversation with a client and nothing more or less.  he cxled this morning after I got in   Once these benzo symptoms subside I now have all the tools needed to conquer the world!   I have found my mind has been going down the rabbit hole of being stuck like this. Not being able to have simple conversations, losing more of my life, etc....  I have remedied this by posting my new mantra "this is temporary" everywhere.  It jsut seems to calm my mind from going down the path of stupidity. 

 

Nothing other than that. Also woke with a stiff neck and the other usual fun head stuff.  Have a massage at 2pm.  Onward..ugh!!!

 

Hope coop et al missing are having the time of their lives.  I really hope that's the case. 

 

 

 

I have thought and said the exact same thing today. We will have so many more tools than the average Joe....that is amazing. Yes I woke or should I say got up with the neck stuff as usual. My brain has been frying on and off all day but I am pleased with the work I have done. I hope that's a big rabbit hole Drew as I'm in and out of it all the time. The rabbits will be calling the cops   

[[Sk...]]

Sounds like we're all in similar places. I'm really low at the moment, it's sickening having to deal with this day after day. And I suspect I'm not alone in feeling like a lonely loser, judging by what everyone is saying. It's comforting to know I'm not alone, but sad non the less. Yes, we have all those months under our belts, never to be done again. who wouldn't feel down in the dumps, battling through each day with the pain, the fear, the cement coated brain. There's just no joy, I'm reassured it will all come back....... please hurry. Idk, I'm tired and beaten down. Think some tears are needed.

 

Nova sorry your window closed but hope you are encouraged. Your healing is speeding up and having a little break right now.

 

Sky, great to hear from you. Wow do I understand your crankiness. I feel like a miserable old weasle ugh and am mourning the end of summer and still feeling like a big bag of poo. It won't be long, I promise 

 

I wonder how Coop is doing, I miss her but I hope she is doing well and Green 

 

Marj, great to hear you are back, I was worried about your benzo flu.

 

 

[[...]]

Sounds like we're all in similar places. I'm really low at the moment, it's sickening having to deal with this day after day. And I suspect I'm not alone in feeling like a lonely loser, judging by what everyone is saying. It's comforting to know I'm not alone, but sad non the less. Yes, we have all those months under our belts, never to be done again. who wouldn't feel down in the dumps, battling through each day with the pain, the fear, the cement coated brain. There's just no joy, I'm reassured it will all come back....... please hurry. Idk, I'm tired and beaten down. Think some tears are needed.

 

Nova sorry your window closed but hope you are encouraged. Your healing is speeding up and having a little break right now.

 

Sky, great to hear from you. Wow do I understand your crankiness. I feel like a miserable old weasle ugh and am mourning the end of summer and still feeling like a big bag of poo. It won't be long, I promise 

 

I wonder how Coop is doing, I miss her but I hope she is doing well and Green 

 

Marj, great to hear you are back, I was worried about your benzo flu.

 

 

Yes I seem to be getting intermittent benzo flu. Not really had this much before and it seems to bother me in the early hours mainly. How tough will we be once we've survived this 

[[sa...]]

Sounds like everyone is having a tough day. Funny how that works. Maybe the moon is in a weird spot. I keep praying for everyone. God must be sick of hearing from me. We don't know what his plan is unfortunately. Little by little we are getting there. I hope everyone has a great weekend. I'm going to try to get out and do a hike through the woods and maybe stack some wood. I have to get the wood stove ready for fall. It makes the living room nice and toasty once I get it cranking. Great for curling up with a good book. Wishing everyone a good window soon...

[[Te...]]

Just so sick of these symptoms.....I never get any real break....all my symptoms just seem to re visit....it's wearing on me.....then the 24/7mouth pain.....

Today my throat or esophugus ....maybe both felt like they were squeezing....for about five hours felt like I was going to dry heave....everything up throat felt so dry....like I had a huge dry ball stuck inside throat....

Can benzo do this......this far out.....?

I'm really wondering if I have a muscle disease......all my muscles squeeze or tighten....just depends on what day what muscles will be at their worse......

I've seriously have had so many nerve test done by my neurologist....throat scoped several times....barium shallow on tummy....I need a window....it would help

Sorry I'm venting.....just need a break.....

TM

[[...]]

Just so sick of these symptoms.....I never get any real break....all my symptoms just seem to re visit....it's wearing on me.....then the 24/7mouth pain.....

Today my throat or esophugus ....maybe both felt like they were squeezing....for about five hours felt like I was going to dry heave....everything up throat felt so dry....like I had a huge dry ball stuck inside throat....

Can benzo do this......this far out.....?

I'm really wondering if I have a muscle disease......all my muscles squeeze or tighten....just depends on what day what muscles will be at their worse......

I've seriously have had so many nerve test done by my neurologist....throat scoped several times....barium shallow on tummy....I need a window....it would help

Sorry I'm venting.....just need a break.....

 

 

 

TM

 

 

 

TM,  don't worry about venting. This is the place to do it and we all understand. I do it all the time. There's only here where you can moan, cry, tantrum and the rest and not get the eye rolling.

 

You don't have muscle disease, it's the benzos. When you take benzos the brain is told to relax all muscles, so when we stop them the brain doesn't know how to keep the muscles at a normal relaxed level so they tense up until the brain has balanced out again and they eventually go back to not too tight or not too relaxed. I know how uncomfortable and frustrating this is but it will not be like this for ever. Benzos really mess up our brains temporarily and pain is another really common symptom. All coming from faulty signal in our poor confused brains. You're doing really well and have come a long way without going back to the poison. Pat yourself on the back for having such strength. You will get there, we all will 

[[Te...]]

Thanks Marj.....it's just so scary....the dry heave feeling...for 5 hours....I worry at times I'm missing some disease....when feeling that terrible....but I've really have tried to be responsible for symptoms..but one can only go to a doctor so much....I feel I've done plenty of precaution ...doctor visits....but the feeling of some dry sock pushing of throat muscles is terrible....

 

My brain must be hacked....oh my.....oh well....

 

Hope your doing O.k......thanks for your words of  encouragement

Onward we go...

 

Nova....hang in there......

 

Say  is Coop o.k.?

Wishing everyone healing hugs! TM.............

[[...]]

Yes it's all unbearable. Your throat muscles are probably tensed up too. I get it worse in my neck, shoulders and upper back, also but not as often in arms and legs. Someone referred (I think it was Green) to it as rigor mortis lol. Your hacked brain will heal it just takes so long and if we knew when it would end it would be a bit easier...... maybe.

 

Hopefully Coop is doing better, I'm sure she'll check in soon 

[[No...]]

Yuk and poosoolie ... I am totally freakin' bored ... 

 

It has been blowing and raining and generally being a nuisance outside today ... so I couldn't get out ... so that is my rant ...

 

Had a lousy night last night with the return of the gut/head pressure stuff ... and some vibrations ... I suppose they weren't really all that loud ... but I did get "irritated" ... and some of that goofy breathing stuff has been floating around ... and I couldn't get out and walk it off ... think I already said that ...

 

Kind of messy to argue with the wind and rain ... but I tried anyway ... nobody was listening ... go figure ...

 

So ... another day in the books ...

 

For those of you doing "hard time" today ... it will get better ... there were so many times that I thought I would be stuck in this stuff forever ... never finding my way out ... and I have ... and all of you will too ... 

[[dr...]]

HI all....survived the day.  The intense head symptoms ramped up so much that I got some anxiety but then both faded.  I know the pattern most of the time.  It's amazing my head doesn't explode! The pressure/sensations hit a crescendo and then leave me feeling like I got hit by a truck.  Masseuse said my shoulder and neck muscles all seized up.  Oh...started dozing off and had a nice nyconic jerk on the table

 

I've started working Friday's from home so my work week is done.

 

I'm just sad about what we all go through.  My fiancé is performing tonight and I'm home afraid to get in a conversation w someone cause my bran will fry.  Something very wrong w that. I also am sad that the reason I look forward to the weekend is so I can literally lay around he house instead of doing something enjoyable.  Do we count the couch time as being bedridden? .   

It just feels like a lot f us have stalled/gotten worse after the one year mark and most of what we feel and read is bad news.  Thankfully we have a few great souls ahead of us who ar doing well but that still desktop take the doubt that we are the ones who will take years.  Sorry to be a bummer but I'm just really really tired of this shit show right now.

[[Si...]]

Yep drew, tired of this shit show too.

 

All kinds of stuff going on here this weekend and I have no idea how I'll feel. May just do what I've been doing and do something anyway even though I feel like crap. I feel even worse lounging around the house, so sometimes good to just do something to try and get my mind off it. Wish taking it easy didn't make me so depressed now. My wife's sisters (twins) have a birthday. Korean thanksgiving was last weekend, but we didn't do that because it was raining. One if my good friends is going to a festival here in town that his girlfriend is working. It's in my favorite neighborhood here in Atlanta. We may go apple picking if it isn't raining. AND my friend that stayed with us a few weeks ago is coming back into town to prepare for moving back.

 

My boss has taken some time off to go fishing in the gulf. I wouldn't mind doing that now too.

 

Sorry everyone else is having a rough day.

[[dr...]]

Siggy-get out there and do something. I will too but I'm just whooped with this brain symptom.  I turned on the TV and it was about the Oregon school shooting.  My brain immediately hurt as I felt emotions.  This is scaring the shit out of me. This far out? Wtf! 

[[Mi...]]

Hey anyone on this group that's had a endoscopy totally freaking out over it! 

[[Te...]]

Miss Jen.....is that the scope you swallow....if so...I'm suppose to have one....I'm just worried I won't wake up from meds.....think my body has had enough....but still planning on doing it before the end of year.....surprise I met my yearly deductible two months ago.....

 

So...does anyone have some memory problems?like at times I have problems recalling little things...such as names.....idk

 

Nova....hope you feel better soon.....you could move here ...to Texas.....it was 95 again today.....ready for some cooler days....constant heat gets old...

 

Sweet dreams......TM

 

 

[[ma...]]

Yep drew, tired of this shit show too.

 

So tired of this shit!!!

 

Hang in there guys we will make it through this somehow.  Went to my help my son's high school band at the football game and actually felt pretty good. Got home late and only slept about four hours.  Feel like death this morning.  Irritated. Benzo belly. Brain fog. Anxiety. Same ole shit!  Oh well this too shall pass!

 

So...does anyone have some memory problems?like at times I have problems recalling little things...such as names.....idk

 

Texas Mama if I had a nickel for every time I felt like I was retarded over the last two years I would make Donald Trump look like a two bit slum lord.  I don't know why it happens but it definately happens.  Comes and goes.  Every once in a while I actually feel pretty clear and like everything in my brain is clicking.  Thougts and memories all seem connected and make sense.  Most of the time I feel like I am walking around in some kind of light fog.  Then some days I feel like a tool and just sitting around drooling on myself. It is really crazy that we have no reference point to know if this is normal and we are just on the extreme scale of normal functions or if there is just some damage that has not repaired yet.

 

Oh well, I don't think I am retarded today so I guess that is a good thing.

 

Siggy hang in there bud at least we may win our football game this weekend.  War Eagle!!!

[[Mi...]]

Texas Mama,  yes yes and yes!  My memory is NOT good I feel as if I have dementia!  But my mind was always sharp before so I don't let it worry me!