18 - 30 Month Plus Group

[[He...]]

Nova-I can't stop reading your post where you say no anxiety stuff right now.  Did you have anxiety/panic pre benzo?  Regardless, this with hh, coop, and you are giving more hope that my journey can see a substantial improvement at any time.

 

Hi Drew!  Happy birthday!!

 

My anxiety was still HORRIBLE at 17 months off...and it's almost non-existent now. Yours will get better quite soon, I'm sure of it. 

[[so...]]

Happy Bday, Drew!

 

I know you wanted to feel better this birthday, but the good news is that you are right around the corner of complete healing.  The end of the dark tunnel is within your sights.  You can see the little glimmer of light.  It won't be long now.  You are almost there!

 

Love, Sofa

[[Mi...]]

Hey Drew I know EXACTLY what you mean!  My birthday was September 14th!  I hAd one of the best weeks I have had in two years the week before!  Actually made plans with my entire family for my birthday!  The night before I landed myself in one of the worst waves I have had since acute!  I am still inching out of it day by day!    My goal is next year!  And this time I truly believe we will both be celebrating our new and very improved lives next year!  I haven't had a sip of wine forever so hoping to have a tall glass next year with a piece of cake!   

[[Mi...]]

Siggy and Drew, 

 

You guys should be so proud of yourselves!  I can't even express how much I admire your ability to work through all these symptoms at WORK!  Boy I hope I can get there!  When my symptoms flare and I am not at home everything seems to intensify!  Idk how you do it BUT be proud that you do!!!  Really, I hardly ever make plans and when I get into a situation where I feel stuck I become a instant wreck!       

 

Tomorrow is a new day, you never know it could be the day we heal!   

It has to happen some day right?

[[be...]]

Hi Beulah! 

 

Well my birthday is symptomatic.  Had a headache this am which mostly left after meditation.  I ate out breakfast and ran errands this am.  I have had stuffed sinuses since yesterday evening which just left.  I did get a 90 min massage and my sinuses got way worse with my head in the cradle.  I was so dizzy after massage and now just feel wavy. Racing heart and all the other fun stuff    was hoping for a better birthday but we know where hope can land you on this journey.  Let's see...2 meditations, one massage, tried napping, and still feel yucky.  Guess a bath is up next.

 

Aww, sorry drew. Seems we really can't count on anything in this journey. I had a really nice birthday in July and felt normal, if my birthday was today I would want it to go away, this has been a rough couple of weeks. We are on such a roller coaster ride of symptoms that planning and looking ahead to

special occasions can be such a let down.

Remember, this is our healing life..not our healed life...I know it doesn't help much now to hear it..but we must remember it...many years ahead for all of us to look forward to. Feel better. 

[[dr...]]

Thx all. At a minimum it's another day in the books and one day closer to being healed.

[[No...]]

Drew ... panic is what introduced me to the drug ... an out of the blue panic episode that lasted a couple of days off and on ... after being on the drug for about six months tolerance kicked in ... and I cycled in and out of panic/anxiety/stress for twenty years ...

 

Perhaps some six or seven weeks ago it all faded ... no panic, no anxiety, and no hyper stress response ... just plain old fashioned gone ...

 

I was caught in an unrecognized hard place for all those years ... I dealt with the stuff that initiated the initial panic ... I know I did ... but the experience of panic persisted because of the drug ... and persisted long after my taper ... until one day ... all gone ...

 

That was the catch-22 for me ... all the practice in the world, all the therapy, all the body work ... and still the panic kept showing up ... year after year ... until I accidently put two and two together and finally got four ... and all that time I was told I had not dealt with the initial underlying stuff ... literally, the panic was my fault ... go figure ...

 

So ... I would be encouraged that after this finishes for you, for anyone, we at least know that this stuff is no longer drug induced and we can get on with whatever needs to be done, if anything ...

 

I believe there is no way we can make any judgement, or engage any therapy, to deal with non-drug induced panic until we heal from the drug ...

 

When our basement is flooded with six feet of water ... and there is a hurricane outside ... how can we determine if there is a broken pipe in the basement ... until the storm passes we cannot know ... and for me, that is the fallacy of all those so-called "professional" interventions ... and no matter how many times I have told them there is a storm outside, they keep insisting I have a broken pipe ...

 

Never trust a psychiatric plumber ... they are only in it for the money and for self preservation ... hell, they can't even recognize a hurricane ...

 

Better days are coming ... for all of us ... when the waters recede, then we will know what is what ... 

 

 

[[ja...]]

 

Drew ... panic is what introduced me to the drug ... an out of the blue panic episode that lasted a couple of days off and on ... after being on the drug for about six months tolerance kicked in ... and I cycled in and out of panic/anxiety/stress for twenty years ...

 

Perhaps some six or seven weeks ago it all faded ... no panic, no anxiety, and no hyper stress response ... just plain old fashioned gone ...

 

I was caught in an unrecognized hard place for all those years ... I dealt with the stuff that initiated the initial panic ... I know I did ... but the experience of panic persisted because of the drug ... and persisted long after my taper ... until one day ... all gone ...

 

That was the catch-22 for me ... all the practice in the world, all the therapy, all the body work ... and still the panic kept showing up ... year after year ... until I accidently put two and two together and finally got four ... and all that time I was told I had not dealt with the initial underlying stuff ... literally, the panic was my fault ... go figure ...

 

So ... I would be encouraged that after this finishes for you, for anyone, we at least know that this stuff is no longer drug induced and we can get on with whatever needs to be done, if anything ...

 

I believe there is no way we can make any judgement, or engage any therapy, to deal with non-drug induced panic until we heal from the drug ...

 

When our basement is flooded with six feet of water ... and there is a hurricane outside ... how can we determine if there is a broken pipe in the basement ... until the storm passes we cannot know ... and for me, that is the fallacy of all those so-called "professional" interventions ... and no matter how many times I have told them there is a storm outside, they keep insisting I have a broken pipe ...

 

Never trust a psychiatric plumber ... they are only in it for the money and for self preservation ... hell, they can't even recognize a hurricane ...

 

Better days are coming ... for all of us ... when the waters recede, then we will know what is what ... 

 

 

Love Jackie

[[Si...]]

Ok luckily slept again last night. Took a while to fall asleep. Sometimes I don't realize I fell asleep until I wake up in the night and realize I had a dream. Them I say to myself, yep must have been asleep to have a dream. I'm still waking up with a headache though. Anybody else have that?

 

Yep drew, one day closer.

[[...]]

Drew,

 

Belated birthday wishes  I know it sucked as WD doesn’t care if it’s our birthdays or not. You have plenty more which will be wonderful and you can reflect on how shitty this one was when you are having fun, feeling happy and relaxed on your future ones. I wanted to post a pic of the cake I made for you but I don’t know how to do it. I was pleased I was able to do it and thought I might be turning a corner as I coped with quite a bit over the weekend, my muscles were even soft and normal!!!. No such luck, I felt down in the dumps last night and today I’m at work wanting to jump out of my skin as bad as ever. I don’t know about you, but I cannot imagine ever not feeling like this. I guess you feel the same as it appears everyone dealing with this thinks it will never end. Hang in there Buddy the finishing line is getting closer.

[[...]]

Sorry Siggy,

 

I never replied to your post over the weekend  I made a chocholate cake covered in dark chocholate ganache with a white choc ganache filling and piping. I decorated it with after eights. I had to make 2 cakes as the first didn't turn out well and I've been nibbling on what is left over of that one which is a big no no.

 

I have a headache right now, it's in my neck, upper back and ears  I'm going for a walk soon as my anxiety is worse now than when I got up. I think it's down to my subconscious telling me I'm not going to get better. I'm trying to tell it to shut the **** up 

 

Sleeping is crap too, I think even when we do sleep, it's not good sleep, we are totally exhausted and sleep deprived. Imagine a sound night of beautiful restful sleep.

 

Negative, intrusive thoughts are nagging me today, hurray!!!!! 

[[sa...]]

Marj,

 

I hear you with the sleep issue. I had been sleeping better until the summer. Now I'm getting like a night terror, where I wake up gasping for breath and heart pounding. I have to get out of bed and walk around the house to shake off the feeling. If I stay in bed it keeps going, but something about getting up and waking the body up seems to increase my odds of getting back to sleep. It is scary though. Someday the blissful sleep will return for all of us.

[[Se...]]

Hi, everyone.  Thank you, Nova, for setting up this needed space of comfort.  I would like to join in if I may, although I'm "only" 14.5 months into my recovery.

 

Glad to see that others are steadily progressing in their recoveries, despite the frequent roadblocks and speed bumps.

 

I haven't been here for a while.  I found myself in a window of increased clarity and health over the past month or so, even though I still experienced numerous symptoms during that time.  The physical and mental symptoms simply didn't concern me much while in this window, and there was definite HOPE, so I want to begin with that because I feel it is of key importance.

 

Now, I am back in the thick of it, feeling as if no healing at all has occurred, and wondering if this is "it" (i.e., as good as it gets.)  It's a tricky and sticky gig, this benzo recovery.

 

Symptoms-wise, I won't go into much, except to say some stuff is returning, some stuff is subsiding, and other stuff is doing its normal stuff, while "new & improved" (ha!) stuff sporadically springs up.  Oh, it really sucks.  I can't seem to do anything I want to do right now; it's the invisible hand pushing me down from above, pressing me into lethargy and depression again.  Everything that was beginning to take flight is stalled once more.  I'm finding crying to be releasing and calming and there have been lots of tears over the past number of weeks.  I lost my dear friend to cancer very recently.  I don't think her passing has hit me yet, but yesterday and today... I sense I've just begun to really process the loss.  She was a healer & had been helping me to heal in this journey.  Two nights ago, I awoke from a vivid dream, said out loud, "I love you, [her name]* and at the same instant, there was an incredibly bright flash of light in the darkness.  I thought I was really losing it then, and still don't know if it was my recovering brain playing its usual tricks, or something else.

 

So that's where I am.  I don't know where I am.  But I know there has been healing underneath it all, and there is no reason to expect there won't be more, so I am just putting in the time and doing my best to take care of myself and my family.  And my cats.  But they have been taking care of me, too, the dear little souls.  They are always by my side.  Even though the fat one is now on a diet, I think she still loves me. 

[[Si...]]

Siggy and Drew, 

 

You guys should be so proud of yourselves!  I can't even express how much I admire your ability to work through all these symptoms at WORK!  Boy I hope I can get there!  When my symptoms flare and I am not at home everything seems to intensify!  Idk how you do it BUT be proud that you do!!!  Really, I hardly ever make plans and when I get into a situation where I feel stuck I become a instant wreck!       

 

Tomorrow is a new day, you never know it could be the day we heal!   

It has to happen some day right?

 

Yep, going to work through this is pretty tough. Sometimes it helps keep my mind off of it, but no fun some days.

[[Si...]]

Sorry Siggy,

 

I never replied to your post over the weekend  I made a chocholate cake covered in dark chocholate ganache with a white choc ganache filling and piping. I decorated it with after eights. I had to make 2 cakes as the first didn't turn out well and I've been nibbling on what is left over of that one which is a big no no.

 

I have a headache right now, it's in my neck, upper back and ears  I'm going for a walk soon as my anxiety is worse now than when I got up. I think it's down to my subconscious telling me I'm not going to get better. I'm trying to tell it to shut the **** up 

 

Sleeping is crap too, I think even when we do sleep, it's not good sleep, we are totally exhausted and sleep deprived. Imagine a sound night of beautiful restful sleep.

 

Negative, intrusive thoughts are nagging me today, hurray!!!!!

 

No worries marj! Sorry that you've got the head stuff. It's one of my top two worst symptoms. That and the sleep problems. Hope you feel better today.

[[...]]

Hi, everyone.  Thank you, Nova, for setting up this needed space of comfort.  I would like to join in if I may, although I'm "only" 14.5 months into my recovery.

 

Glad to see that others are steadily progressing in their recoveries, despite the frequent roadblocks and speed bumps.

 

I haven't been here for a while.  I found myself in a window of increased clarity and health over the past month or so, even though I still experienced numerous symptoms during that time.  The physical and mental symptoms simply didn't concern me much while in this window, and there was definite HOPE, so I want to begin with that because I feel it is of key importance.

 

Now, I am back in the thick of it, feeling as if no healing at all has occurred, and wondering if this is "it" (i.e., as good as it gets.)  It's a tricky and sticky gig, this benzo recovery.

 

Symptoms-wise, I won't go into much, except to say some stuff is returning, some stuff is subsiding, and other stuff is doing its normal stuff, while "new & improved" (ha!) stuff sporadically springs up.  Oh, it really sucks.  I can't seem to do anything I want to do right now; it's the invisible hand pushing me down from above, pressing me into lethargy and depression again.  Everything that was beginning to take flight is stalled once more.  I'm finding crying to be releasing and calming and there have been lots of tears over the past number of weeks.  I lost my dear friend to cancer very recently.  I don't think her passing has hit me yet, but yesterday and today... I sense I've just begun to really process the loss.  She was a healer & had been helping me to heal in this journey.  Two nights ago, I awoke from a vivid dream, said out loud, "I love you, [her name]* and at the same instant, there was an incredibly bright flash of light in the darkness.  I thought I was really losing it then, and still don't know if it was my recovering brain playing its usual tricks, or something else.

 

So that's where I am.  I don't know where I am.  But I know there has been healing underneath it all, and there is no reason to expect there won't be more, so I am just putting in the time and doing my best to take care of myself and my family.  And my cats.  But they have been taking care of me, too, the dear little souls.  They are always by my side.  Even though the fat one is now on a diet, I think she still loves me. 

 

 

Hi Serenity,

 

Firstly I am so sorry for your loss. How awful to have lost a dear supportive friend. 

 

I had been wondering what had happened to you. It’s very encouraging that you have had a period of less intensity of your symptoms and not good that you are again suffering.  Don’t worry about not being 18 months, I am approaching that milestone and never thought I would still be here. I remember someone suggesting to baby myself for the next 18 months and I was completely horrified, yet it seems to be completely normal to not be over this yet. Some of the group are doing really well which I am clinging to. If they are getting well then so will we. It is just so hard to see when symptoms are intense. You are fortunate to have a month break, my breaks don’t last too long and mornings are still a real struggle. Everyone’s healing pattern is different but we all WILL get there in the end.

 

[[Mi...]]

Hi Serenity!  Welcome  

 

I know it sucks this back and fourth shit!  But, as hard as it is hold on to that window!  Remember how it felt!  I have found that after a big wave my baseline improves a bit...  And every window gets better and better!  At lease that's how it seems to be going for me!    But, it is hard mentally and emotionally to continue this roller coaster ride!

 

I am so sorry about your dear friend!!!    BUT that was a special visit you received from her! Don't let the Withdrawl take that from you!  Hold on to that love and know she is still trying to help you! 

[[dr...]]

Good morning from the west coast all...

 

Well...I am in a wave again after a two week reprieve.  I have such a strong stress response right now I had trouble watching TV last night which really scared me.  I don't remember that being a problem. I have to remember that the intensity will wax and wane and this shall pass too.  I also have eye twitches and leg pain/heaviness I haven't had for a long time.  Add in the chemical anxiousness, tingling brain, ear hissing,  head stuff, etc...and it's a wave   On the plus side I don't have health anxiety beyond the chemical stuff because I know it is all withdrawal. 

One of my cats jumped on me during my meditation and my  heart jumped out of my chest. 

 

 

Marj-so sweet of you.  glad you felt a bit better.  I can't post photos either

 

Missjen-thx...it's a struggle but forcing myself out of my bed/couch is needed.  It is a bitch to do but we manage like everything else in this journey.

 

Nova-your case is almost exactly like mine.  Several panic attacks starting college and medicated a 21.  Ont he wheel of poly drugging for 20 years.  I also went on and off benzos probably 4-5 times so I'm sure I got kindled.  All this because of idiot doctors telling me it was my old condition.  I am textbook case of what can happen to someone right down to the chemical balance line from the doc...oh the Diabetic needs insulin comparison to me needing to take benzos.  Ugh...  You give me great hope my friend.  

 

Siggy-if i read correctly you got some sleep.  I am glad.

 

marj again-it totally feels like I am getting worse which is scary as shit if I dwell on it.  I saw you posted something similar.  If I remember correctly, several of the buddies who are doing well on this thread were saying the same thing at this point. 

 

Welcome Serentity

 

If I missed anyone I hope you are doing well as can be today.

[[Mi...]]

Marj,  You are so right,  Keep telling that voice to shut the **** up!  You are going to get better!  We all are going to get better!    And, I so utterly believe when we do heal, we are going to be stronger than ever!  Because we would have concurred Benzos!  I really mean it! 

 

I talked to someone who healed fully! Has been fully healed for years now!  And, she told me after surviving WD nothing compares!  Everything that used to cause her anxiety she can actually laugh out loud at!  And nothing really gets her anxiety and panic going!  She said when you have literally walked through hell and survived what else is there to possibly be afraid of!  Nothing was her answer!  Nothing at all!  She said the little things that use to bug her get under her skin before benzos she doesn't even bat an eye at!  We are all different but she said she honestly has like this super strength inside her she never knew existed!  And in all honesty she would go through the journey again to get to where she is now!!  (  Idk if I would go that far ) lol!    But, in all honesty I do get what she is saying! My old pre benzo anxiety bring it on is what I say!  After experiencing what I have what we all have!  Everything I used to have anxiety about looks like a welcoming snugly little puppy dog!  We are all going to be WD survivors!  We all are going to get that second chance and I am excited for the very first time in years to meet my healed survivor self someday!   

[[Mi...]]

Sorry Drew!

 

I am with you!  I am not really quiet sure exactly what in the world I have been in! So strange! I don't think I am really in a wave or a window!  The only way I can explain it is,  the water is not calm and sunny but not wavy and dark!  Kinda weird! I am bracing myself put on my life jacket today! Only time will tell which way I am going I guess!  Ugh

 

The tv thing! I was thrown back into that during this past huge wave!  I haven't turned it on since the 14th!  Idk I guess I don't have the desire to!  Like I said weird place I am in! 

[[Mi...]]

Question for everyone! 

 

Does anyone else feel as if after a wave you have a bit more anxiety due to the stress of it. But, in the same sense you almost feel as if your baseline inches up a bit?  I think I am starting to see a small pattern?  Anyone else?  Don't get me wrong I hate them! They seem to mentally make me spiral down a bit hence the anxiety afterwards!    But, this last one and the one before that seemed to improve my baseline a bit after it was all said and done?  Idk if it's my fried brain or if anyone else has seen a small pattern?   

 

[[...]]

Yes Drew, lately I have been feeling like it's getting worse. Last week I did lots of crying, didn't think I could make it to work etc. On Friday I felt a bit better in the afternoon and when I finished work, cleaned bathroom and kitchen. Other days previous to this I had almost collapsed through my door when I got home. The weekend wasn't great, however I managed more than I would normally. Then of course all the family coming over was far too much for my cns. I've had a terrible day today with muscle, joint pain, sore scalp, weird brain feeling and just peed off. Oh and I'm getting numbness in my arms but I think it's just muscle constriction???  I think we put ourselves under a lot of pressure to try to live life as normal as possible and it's so tough. It's like trying to run through that cement that is pumped into our heads  I spoke to BTP at lunch and they said that healing can happen at any time when we get to this stage. I said that I cannot imagine 'this' not being here and he said (it was Roy not Ian) everyone says and feels that. Everyone feels that they will be the one person to not get better. Plus I said I worry this will go on for another year and he said that I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing now if that were the case ie working, bringing up a family, all the other stuff we haul ourselves round to do. He said ''it won't be long now, you're near the end'' Stay strong, you are doing amazing   

[[...]]

Thanks Jen,

 

Those negative thoughts are so quick sometimes, I hate them with a passion and I can't believe some of the things they tell me sometimes. That's great about your friend who's been through this and now feels like that. Sometimes I think that maybe there is a reason for all this idk, maybe to enrich our lives somehow? There's been a lot of tragedy in my family, that is where all this started. Maybe new strength is needed.

 

I'm not sure about the baseline thing, for me anyway. The same as I don't have windows where I don't have symptoms. Just less intensity and occasionally sort of normal, but that is usually evening. The next morning is always a struggle. I think the day I can get out of bed and not feel like a 90 year old woman on her last legs who hasn't slept for a month then I will celebrate. Don't get me wrong, I have never been a spring out of bed type of person and it takes me a while to get come round, but this is ridiculous 

[[Se...]]

Thanks, marj, for your kind words.  Yes... we WILL all get there in the end. 

 

Good to meet you, MissJen, and I appreciate what you're saying about my friend; I choose to believe she is with me still, supporting me throughout, as she's done in the past.

 

Hi to drew, siggy, et al. 

 

Wow.  The fact that we can come in here and find such support from one another, with absolutely no judgement, well... I think it's actually kind of Divine. 

[[...]]

Thanks, marj, for your kind words.  Yes... we WILL all get there in the end. 

 

Good to meet you, MissJen, and I appreciate what you're saying about my friend; I choose to believe she is with me still, supporting me throughout, as she's done in the past.

 

Hi to drew, siggy, et al. 

 

Wow.  The fact that we can come in here and find such support from one another, with absolutely no judgement, well... I think it's actually kind of Divine. 

 

 

She is still with you, even more so now. I lost my younger sister and dad within 3 months of each other and I believe my dad is supporting me all the time. My dad loved Robin Red Breast birds and everytime I'm struggling I see one or hear a bird singing loudly, look up and it's always a Robin. I know my sis is there too but she has 3 girls to keep an eye on. Our loved ones never leave us really