emotional blunting

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I am so scared.  I can hardly believe how dead I feel inside--so much emotional blunting.  I was looking through my now-pregnant daughter's baby book today, as I plan to give it to her at her baby shower (if I MAKE it to her shower) as it seems an appropriate time for me to pass it on.  I was reading through all the poignant memories I had recorded from the time of her birth.  I read a "letter" I wrote to her when she was 3 months old.  It was full of love and I recall how I felt when I wrote it.  Normally, something like this would have me in tears---I'm normally so sentimental.  Reading it today?  NOTHING.  Just words.  I had no feelings at all.  In fact, I can't even remember the last time I cried even though I feel so awful every day.  How can I feel so little?  It is the scariest thing I've faced so far.  My physical symptoms are awful, but the psychological ones are even harder to accept.  What happened to me?  Where did I go?  And will I ever come back?  ~~mbr

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Hi mbr,

 

I was right where you are with the apathy and emotional blunting.  I promise this will come back but it may take awhile.  Meanwhile, just go through the motions and try to put on a smile.......most won't notice your emotions.  It took me about 14 months to shed ONE tear. 

 

Congratulations on being a grandma (again?).

 

Patty  xo

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Hi mbr,

 

I was right where you are with the apathy and emotional blunting.  I promise this will come back but it may take awhile.  Meanwhile, just go through the motions and try to put on a smile.......most won't notice your emotions.  It took me about 14 months to shed ONE tear. 

 

Congratulations on being a grandma (again?).

 

Patty  xo

 

Patty, how does one go through the motions when you feel so paralyzed by this depression/anxiety?  I have a hard time getting up from my chair at the computer.  Thanks, though, for your reply.  You couldn't cry either?  It's so awful, as I think it would be a release, but the tears just don't come. 

 

This is my first time becoming a grandma.  My timing is awful, isn't it?  I never envisioned it happening with me feeling so awful.  Life isn't fair sometimes.  ~~mbr

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mbr,

 

I too, promise you will recover from these rotten feelings! You have lots of wonderful times ahead of you with your new grandchild. Just take it one day at a time for now.  

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mbr,

 

I too, promise you will recover from these rotten feelings! You have lots of wonderful times ahead of you with your new grandchild. Just take it one day at a time for now.  

 

Thanks, eljay.  It's so scary to not recognize yourself.  I'm usually so sentimental, blubbering over the smallest thing that pertains to my daughters.  This dead-inside feeling is so not me.  Depression is awful.  ~~mbr

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Hi mbr:

 

All your feelings will come back.  You will feel love and joy and happines.  I know.  By the time I came off Klon I couldn't feel anything but anger.  For more than a year afterward it was the same.  Then one day, I was able to feel love for my Hub again.  After that it came and went for a while but now I feel good things every day. 

 

From one three letter person to another

 

ntw

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Hi mbr:

 

All your feelings will come back.  You will feel love and joy and happines.  I know.  By the time I came off Klon I couldn't feel anything but anger.  For more than a year afterward it was the same.  Then one day, I was able to feel love for my Hub again.  After that it came and went for a while but now I feel good things every day. 

 

From one three letter person to another

 

ntw

 

Thanks, three-letter person...I so appreciate the encouragement.  This Klonopin is poison, for sure.  ~~mbr

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mbr,

 

    Your joy will return.  I was like a robot - folks were saying that I had ice water in my veins, because I was emotionless.  It just seemed as if I was just existing, and just enough to make it through another day of this journey.  It seemed as if I dawned a constant heavy veil.  Last month windows of mental clarity just came from out of nowhere...and I started feeling better than my old self...110%.  I still get periods of being low in spirit, but they hardly ever last long, and I'm feeling 110% again.

 

    The joy that you desire will return.  I found that when I hit a hards spots in this recovery process, very lengthy and lovely windows are just over the horizon.

 

    Hoping that your joy be abundant, and that your cup runneth over with much happines.  Stay the course. 

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mbr,

 

     Your joy will return.  I was like a robot - folks were saying that I had ice water in my veins, because I was emotionless.  It just seemed as if I was just existing, and just enough to make it through another day of this journey.  It seemed as if I dawned a constant heavy veil.  Last month windows of mental clarity just came from out of nowhere...and I started feeling better than my old self...110%.  I still get periods of being low in spirit, but they hardly ever last long, and I'm feeling 110% again.

 

     The joy that you desire will return.  I found that when I hit a hards spots in this recovery process, very lengthy and lovely windows are just over the horizon.

 

     Hoping that your joy be abundant, and that your cup runneth over with much happines.  Stay the course. 

 

Thank you, Retire 2010.  Did you do a taper, and if so how long was your process and what was your "toxin"?  Thanks, ~~mbr

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Congratulations on becoming a grandma for the first time mbr.  Our son and his partner presented us with a beautiful grandchild in September - right at the end of my taper from Clonazepam.  When I found out they were pregnant I was mortified at first because I wanted to be the grandma I always thought I would be.  Happy, loving, available to help if the going got tough etc etc.  I have a photo of me taken on the day she arrived and it is probably the worst image I have ever seen of myself.  My eyes look like I need to sleep for a week (or give up the heavy drinking).  No I don't touch alcohol, it was just what the benzo had done to me.  My eyes tell the story - emotionally and mentally blunted.  Fortunately they are a lot brighter six months down the track from my last benzo dose.

 

Still my grand-daughter was always my inspirtation to get myself drug free and I used her arrival as a motivator to get myself well.  She is now six months old and is the light of our lives.  Somehow right from the start, despite the emotional blunting the love shines through - you can't help it.  Probably not with the same vigour as it would have without benzos in our bodies, but it will be there.

 

I am sure when the baby arrives, the distraction that he/she brings will be a huge distraction for you.  It has been for me.  I'm still having some s/x but looking back to where I was a year ago, this is nothing.  You will make it to the shower I'm sure - somehow we muster up the strength to do these things.  Just keep the positive thoughts going and think of how special it will be when you give your daughter her baby book.  Wow!

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Congratulations on becoming a grandma for the first time mbr.  Our son and his partner presented us with a beautiful grandchild in September - right at the end of my taper from Clonazepam.  When I found out they were pregnant I was mortified at first because I wanted to be the grandma I always thought I would be.  Happy, loving, available to help if the going got tough etc etc.  I have a photo of me taken on the day she arrived and it is probably the worst image I have ever seen of myself.  My eyes look like I need to sleep for a week (or give up the heavy drinking).  No I don't touch alcohol, it was just what the benzo had done to me.  My eyes tell the story - emotionally and mentally blunted.  Fortunately they are a lot brighter six months down the track from my last benzo dose.

 

Still my grand-daughter was always my inspirtation to get myself drug free and I used her arrival as a motivator to get myself well.  She is now six months old and is the light of our lives.  Somehow right from the start, despite the emotional blunting the love shines through - you can't help it.  Probably not with the same vigour as it would have without benzos in our bodies, but it will be there.

 

I am sure when the baby arrives, the distraction that he/she brings will be a huge distraction for you.  It has been for me.  I'm still having some s/x but looking back to where I was a year ago, this is nothing.  You will make it to the shower I'm sure - somehow we muster up the strength to do these things.  Just keep the positive thoughts going and think of how special it will be when you give your daughter her baby book.  Wow!

 

Oh, LB, your message is such an inspiration to me.  Yes, I had used the baby's due date (July 6th) as a kind of goal for me to be off Klon, but as the months have gone by, I've realized that is not realistic.  I started tapering in November and the beginning of July would be 8 months.  Not enough for a 61-year-old whose been on Klon for 6 years with the taper-starting dose of 3 mgs.  (I was on 1 - 1.25 mgs. for 5 of those years, but it kept getting increased last spring/summer when had a major "burnout" with bad anxiety and depression.  When I wasn't getting better despite increases in Klon and SSRI trials, I began to suspect the Klon had something to do with it.  Now, tapering off, the anxiety and depression are, of course, even worse.  Ugh!) I do hope I can pull myself together for the shower and the birth, if we can predict it (my daughter lives 400 miles away) and if I feel well enough to make the trip to be there with her.  Fingers crossed.  Thanks for all your kind and hopeful words.  They mean a lot.  ~~mbr

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Took me 13 months to get off same drug - 2mg.  I am lucky to have a support group near me and the counsellors there told me to give up two years of my life to benzo w/d.  I didn't want to believe them back then, but I do now.  It was a hard truth to accept.  Its been 18 months so far and while I can function reasonably normally I still have off days and most days am not 100%, but it's so much better than when I was on the Clonazepam (Klonopin). 

 

Sorry you had to go through the prescription increases before realising there was something wrong.  Oh those doctors!!!  When will they learn.  I knew after about three months that the drug was no good for me.  Of course too late, I was hooked by then.  GP suggested withdrawing 1mg every 3-4 weeks.  After two cuts I was in a desperate state, had no clue what was happening to me.  It was then I started to do some of my own research and fortunately found the support group - amazingly they specialise in benzos and tranquillisers only and they are in a city near me.  They guided me through my slow withdrawal and its good to meet face to face with others going through the same hell.  BB is the next best thing.

 

I'm lucky our son lives close by so we see our grandchild quite often and get to babysit from time to time.  Even though your family is 400 miles away, there's an incentive for you to get there.  I think even in my worst hours of despair somehow I would have rallied the energy to get there if they lived out of town.  We get through these things, anxiety and all - somehow.  Just keep positive, take it slowly with your taper and look to a future without those darn drugs!

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Took me 13 months to get off same drug - 2mg.  I am lucky to have a support group near me and the counsellors there told me to give up two years of my life to benzo w/d.  I didn't want to believe them back then, but I do now.   It was a hard truth to accept.  Its been 18 months so far and while I can function reasonably normally I still have off days and most days am not 100%, but it's so much better than when I was on the Clonazepam (Klonopin). 

 

Sorry you had to go through the prescription increases before realising there was something wrong.  Oh those doctors!!!  When will they learn.  I knew after about three months that the drug was no good for me.  Of course too late, I was hooked by then.  GP suggested withdrawing 1mg every 3-4 weeks.  After two cuts I was in a desperate state, had no clue what was happening to me.  It was then I started to do some of my own research and fortunately found the support group - amazingly they specialise in benzos and tranquillisers only and they are in a city near me.  They guided me through my slow withdrawal and its good to meet face to face with others going through the same hell.  BB is the next best thing.

 

I'm lucky our son lives close by so we see our grandchild quite often and get to babysit from time to time.  Even though your family is 400 miles away, there's an incentive for you to get there.  I think even in my worst hours of despair somehow I would have rallied the energy to get there if they lived out of town.  We get through these things, anxiety and all - somehow.   Just keep positive, take it slowly with your taper and look to a future without those darn drugs!

 

Thanks, again, LB.  What were your worst symptoms coming off?  I find that mostly my anxiety and depression have just worsened, I feel lethargic, total lack of appetite or desire for food (I force feed as best I can), nausea, lightheadedness, twitchiness, some agoraphobia (don't want to talk on the phone, for example; also find it hard to engage in long conversation), rapid heart rate, negative obsessive thoughts (can't have a positive thought if my life depended on it)...I'm sure others my benzo brain can't think of at the moment.  Not at all fun.  It's hard to imagine another year or more of this, then I worry about my preexisting anxiety/depression still being there after it's all over with.  I try to stay in the moment, but that's hard when the moment feels so hard.  (Working with a cognitive behavioral therapist, but the going is slow, given benzo tapering stuff.)

 

So you were on 2 mgs. and for not nearly as long.  It's looking like a much longer road for me, sigh...  ~~mbr

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mbr,

 

    My prescribed poison was klono.  I was prescribed 1.0mg (pm dose) daily for panic attacks, which I strongly believe were as a result of perimenopause.  My panic attacks are gone...Thank God!  I did a dry cut taper over a period of 4.5 months.  At a few cuts I held because the symptoms were so horrendous, and working a 9 to 5 job made tapering that more difficult.  I had a lot of the symptoms that you had.  I lost a total of 20 pounds because my appetite was very poor throughout my taper and most of the time after I had jumped.  I could deal with the physical symptoms better than the emotional ones.  The insomnia and tinnitus were awful, making it very difficult for me to sleep most nights; I was a walking zombie, lifeless, always fatigued.  This month I am 8 months benzo free, and I am truly enjoying windows of absolute clarity, and I feel more and more like my old self each day. The only remaining symptoms that I have is tinnitus, and acne.  The acne began when I started my taper, and it has been with me throughout this journey.  The tinnitus goes up and down in volume.  At one point I couldn't sleep with the ringing in my eyes, but now I don't even notice it; I drift right off to sleep every  night. 

 

    mbr, hold on because your healing journey will not always be laden with bitterness; windows will come, and each time they will stay open longer and longer.  I use to think, oh God, I can't go through another day of this madness, but another day would come and go, and I got closer and closer to recovery.  Granted, recovery was at a snails pace, but those days of improvement give you so much hope.

 

    mbr, life will be wonderful again...that's not bragging, but a fact. You have so much in your life to look forward to.  My prayers are with you.  Enjoy your weekend and stay the course.

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mbr,

 

     My prescribed poison was klono.  I was prescribed 1.0mg (pm dose) daily for panic attacks, which I strongly believe were as a result of perimenopause.  My panic attacks are gone...Thank God!  I did a dry cut taper over a period of 4.5 months.  At a few cuts I held because the symptoms were so horrendous, and working a 9 to 5 job made tapering that more difficult.  I had a lot of the symptoms that you had.  I lost a total of 20 pounds because my appetite was very poor throughout my taper and most of the time after I had jumped.  I could deal with the physical symptoms better than the emotional ones.  The insomnia and tinnitus were awful, making it very difficult for me to sleep most nights; I was a walking zombie, lifeless, always fatigued.  This month I am 8 months benzo free, and I am truly enjoying windows of absolute clarity, and I feel more and more like my old self each day. The only remaining symptoms that I have is tinnitus, and acne.  The acne began when I started my taper, and it has been with me throughout this journey.  The tinnitus goes up and down in volume.  At one point I couldn't sleep with the ringing in my eyes, but now I don't even notice it; I drift right off to sleep every  night. 

 

    mbr, hold on because your healing journey will not always be laden with bitterness; windows will come, and each time they will stay open longer and longer.  I use to think, oh God, I can't go through another day of this madness, but another day would come and go, and I got closer and closer to recovery.  Granted, recovery was at a snails pace, but those days of improvement give you so much hope.

 

    mbr, life will be wonderful again...that's not bragging, but a fact. You have so much in your life to look forward to.  My prayers are with you.  Enjoy your weekend and stay the course.

 

Retire2010, thanks for the encouraging words.  I really hit a wall today and feel just awful.  Yes, feel I cannot go through another day of this madness.  Just have to keep on keepin' on, I guess.  ~~mbr

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Hang in their mbr - it does get better.  Over and over I was told this, yet didn't believe it.  I just never thought the day of my last dose would ever come.  But it did and whilst I didn't celebrate too much because of the unknown journey still ahead of be to being truly well, it was a good day.  I knew I wasn't adding any more poison to my body.

 

Most of your symptoms were those I had also.  One positive I had was the lower I got the better I got - nowhere near perfect but manageable s/x and I functioned reasonably well.  Acceptance and trying your best to turn your thoughts around (it's hard, I know that) were what finally got me through.  Pushing myself when I became totally agoraphobic - I couldn't even be left alone in the very early stages.  Getting out each day for a walk was a nightmare initally, sometimes I made it around the block, sometimes I didn't.  I now walk for at least 45 minutes each day and sometimes I even leave my phone at home (my safety net - I could always call home if needed!)

 

I worked with a psychotherapist and it was a big help - probably more so in the latter stages of withdrawal.  Before that I wasn't really able to take on board what she was telling me.  It now makes sense and I sometimes go back and read some of the handouts she gave me to keep myself on track.

 

As Retire said you will get windows when the days are more bearable, make the most of them and treat yourself on those days.  Do something special for yourself.  Take care.

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Hang in their mbr - it does get better.  Over and over I was told this, yet didn't believe it.  I just never thought the day of my last dose would ever come.  But it did and whilst I didn't celebrate too much because of the unknown journey still ahead of be to being truly well, it was a good day.  I knew I wasn't adding any more poison to my body.

 

Most of your symptoms were those I had also.  One positive I had was the lower I got the better I got - nowhere near perfect but manageable s/x and I functioned reasonably well.  Acceptance and trying your best to turn your thoughts around (it's hard, I know that) were what finally got me through.  Pushing myself when I became totally agoraphobic - I couldn't even be left alone in the very early stages.  Getting out each day for a walk was a nightmare initally, sometimes I made it around the block, sometimes I didn't.  I now walk for at least 45 minutes each day and sometimes I even leave my phone at home (my safety net - I could always call home if needed!)

 

I worked with a psychotherapist and it was a big help - probably more so in the latter stages of withdrawal.  Before that I wasn't really able to take on board what she was telling me.  It now makes sense and I sometimes go back and read some of the handouts she gave me to keep myself on track.

 

As Retire said you will get windows when the days are more bearable, make the most of them and treat yourself on those days.  Do something special for yourself.   Take care.

 

Once again, LB, I appreciate your thoughts.  You're right.  I find it hard to believe when I hear that it does get better.  I only hope that things improve for me as I get lower, as well.  I'm so tired of feeling awful.  Right now, my heart is beating hard and fast and that just ramps up my anxiety big-time.  I think I'm going to force myself out for a walk. My husband just went to lunch with a friend and I realized when he left how hard it is for me to even be left alone.  I can do it, but it's anxiety producing.  EVERYTHING is.

 

I work with a cognitive behavioral therapist, but it is, indeed, hard to apply the suggestions when sxs are so front and center.  Still, it's good to have someone, in addition to my long-suffering husband, to support me through this.  ~~mbr

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Right now, my heart is beating hard and fast and that just ramps up my anxiety big-time.  I think I'm going to force myself out for a walk. My husband just went to lunch with a friend and I realized when he left how hard it is for me to even be left alone.  I can do it, but it's anxiety producing. 

This was me about a year ago.  Well done for pushing yourself out the door to go for a walk.  I walk most days now, started with a walk to the post box down the street (too anxious to go further), now do around 45 minutes almost every day.  Still not easy some days because of the severe agoraphobia I gave in to way back at the start of my taper.  It's been a long journey back, so I know now (hindsight is a great thing) that I gave in too easily and just sat on the couch and felt miserable.  It is really hard to force yourself when you feel so anxious and fearful, but I'd have to say pushing yourself through this is part of the battle won.  Walking has become an important part of my life now.

 

Early in my w/d I tried hypnotherapy and was seeing a psychologist at the time, but it was just like water off a duck's back - they may as well have been talking to my bottle of pills.  Then suddenly as I got lower in my dose, the fog started to lift and what my new therapist was saying started to make sense.  Hang in there with the therapy, it will start to get through soon and as with you, at least it gave my husband an hour of respite from my constant ranting!

 

I too have a great husband who has been to hell and back with me on this journey.  I feel guilty that we missed out on so many things over the past two years, but he just brushes them off and tells me not to be silly.  Hopefully soon we can get back on the road again and get away for a long overdue weekend away somewhere different and then who know, maybe even a proper holiday.

 

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Right now, my heart is beating hard and fast and that just ramps up my anxiety big-time.  I think I'm going to force myself out for a walk. My husband just went to lunch with a friend and I realized when he left how hard it is for me to even be left alone.  I can do it, but it's anxiety producing.   

This was me about a year ago.  Well done for pushing yourself out the door to go for a walk.  I walk most days now, started with a walk to the post box down the street (too anxious to go further), now do around 45 minutes almost every day.  Still not easy some days because of the severe agoraphobia I gave in to way back at the start of my taper.  It's been a long journey back, so I know now (hindsight is a great thing) that I gave in too easily and just sat on the couch and felt miserable.  It is really hard to force yourself when you feel so anxious and fearful, but I'd have to say pushing yourself through this is part of the battle won.  Walking has become an important part of my life now.

 

Early in my w/d I tried hypnotherapy and was seeing a psychologist at the time, but it was just like water off a duck's back - they may as well have been talking to my bottle of pills.  Then suddenly as I got lower in my dose, the fog started to lift and what my new therapist was saying started to make sense.  Hang in there with the therapy, it will start to get through soon and as with you, at least it gave my husband an hour of respite from my constant ranting!

 

I too have a great husband who has been to hell and back with me on this journey.  I feel guilty that we missed out on so many things over the past two years, but he just brushes them off and tells me not to be silly.  Hopefully soon we can get back on the road again and get away for a long overdue weekend away somewhere different and then who know, maybe even a proper holiday.

 

 

LB, it's so reassuring to know I'm not the only one who's had these feelings.  I hope the fog will lift for me as I get lower, too.  You're right, I sometimes wonder why I even bother to go to therapy, as it's the same old whine every week, and it must e frustrating for my therapist who'd like to be teaching me techniques for handling my anxiety.  Nothing really sinks in---or works---right now.  I feel like a burden to him, and to my husband, as well.  Not a day goes by that I'm not complaining about one symptom or another every few hours.  I am trying hard not to give in to my agoraphobia, but my daughter's baby shower is on the 25th and I'm already dreading it (when I would normally be as excited as I could possibly be).  I get nauseous when I have to act "normal" and can't sustain conversation and socializing for very long. 

 

I am a long-time walker.  Before all this, I would go 4 miles a number of times a week--in an hour.  Now, I'm lucky if I get out for 2 miles, which, I know, is good for this hell I'm in, but still such a come-down for me.  I'd much rather be on the couch, but my rapid heart beat would drive me out the door anyway.  This is so not fun.  And, I sure would like to feel hungry again.  Haven't felt that in so long I don't remember what it's like not to be forcing food.  Just too anxious.  Thanks, LB.  I'd so appreciate your keeping the encouragement flowing.  I need it badly.    ~~mbr

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Hi mbr:

 

The fog will fade as time goes on.  When I read people talking about symptoms that take forever to go away they usually talked about fatigue, muscle cramps and memory problems.  The fog has become history.  I can certainly report that is pretty much behind me now.

 

I looke on this a my chance to become the sort of strong, uncomplaining woman that my mother and grandmother were.  Have to admit, I am still falling way short of their examples.

 

ntw

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Hi mbr:

 

The fog will fade as time goes on.  When I read people talking about symptoms that take forever to go away they usually talked about fatigue, muscle cramps and memory problems.  The fog has become history.  I can certainly report that is pretty much behind me now.

 

I looke on this a my chance to become the sort of strong, uncomplaining woman that my mother and grandmother were.  Have to admit, I am still falling way short of their examples.

 

ntw

 

Hi, ntw.  Like LB and me, did you complain a lot to someone (husband, friends, whomever...) when you felt you just couldn't bear it alone any longer?  Sometimes I feel like I'm just going to pop.  It's then that I go to my husband for a whine and a hug.  It doesn't make my problems go away, but it "shares" them a bit.  Still, I often feel bad that I have to do that.  I know it's hard on him to see me suffering day after day when he can't make it go away.  ~~mbr

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Are you driving or flying to your daughter's mbr?  Either way you will get through it.  I'm sure when you get there you will be so pleased that you did and the distraction of being around your family and all the excitement that goes with it will be a great distraction. 

 

With my agoraphobia I developed a fear of being outside my comfort zone, which is basically our home.  It's taken me a long time to get any semblance of freedom back.  I still haven't travelled anywhere but I have the feeling that if our son was living out of town when their baby was born, somehow I would have made it to visit them.  I've no doubt it would have been challenging, but when we need to do these things, somehow we muster up the strength.  I'm sure you will too mbr when you go to your daughter's.  We shifted house early in my taper, I honestly can't remember much about it but somehow I got through it - I just don't know how, guess the adrenaline takes over.

 

One thing we are during withdrawal is good actors - hiding our fears behind a weak smile or a hurried conversation.  Truly deserving of an Oscar sometimes.  But the important thing is to keep pushing ourselves. 

 

And the food thing - well all I can say is Clonazepam was the best diet pill ever.  I lost 25lbs - now just have to keep it off as my appetite is returning.  Just wouldn't recommend it to my friends though!  My husband became the chief cook in our house simply to make sure that I was eating at least something.  I kinda like it that way now!

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Are you driving or flying to your daughter's mbr?  Either way you will get through it.  I'm sure when you get there you will be so pleased that you did and the distraction of being around your family and all the excitement that goes with it will be a great distraction. 

 

With my agoraphobia I developed a fear of being outside my comfort zone, which is basically our home.  It's taken me a long time to get any semblance of freedom back.  I still haven't travelled anywhere but I have the feeling that if our son was living out of town when their baby was born, somehow I would have made it to visit them.  I've no doubt it would have been challenging, but when we need to do these things, somehow we muster up the strength.  I'm sure you will too mbr when you go to your daughter's.  We shifted house early in my taper, I honestly can't remember much about it but somehow I got through it - I just don't know how, guess the adrenaline takes over.

 

One thing we are during withdrawal is good actors - hiding our fears behind a weak smile or a hurried conversation.  Truly deserving of an Oscar sometimes.  But the important thing is to keep pushing ourselves. 

 

And the food thing - well all I can say is Clonazepam was the best diet pill ever.  I lost 25lbs - now just have to keep it off as my appetite is returning.  Just wouldn't recommend it to my friends though!  My husband became the chief cook in our house simply to make sure that I was eating at least something.  I kinda like it that way now!

 

My daughter is coming home (from DC) for her shower later this month, so there's not travel involved there.  But, when the baby is born in early July, my husband and I will drive there.  I just need to muster up the courage to do all this.

 

Yes, Klon is definitely a diet pill.  It has completely stolen my appetite (which was pretty low before my taper anyway, due to depression.  Just worse now.)  My husband cooks every dinner---for the same reason you stated yours does.  I often feel nauseous as I face the prospect of a meal.  It's made all the harder for me by the fact that he's worked so hard to do this for me.

 

One of my other problems now is a lack of emotion, where I would normally be totally (if not overly) emotional.  This has affected my ability to feel the joy of my first grandchild's imminent arrival.  I feel so awful when I don't respond internally in an "appropriate" manner to such an amazing event.  My daughter doesn't know that, of course, as I try my best to be "normal" on the outside. But, it totally breaks my heart to feel such disconnection.  This is so NOT how I envisioned myself becoming a grandmother.  So hard...  ~~mbr

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Hi mbr:

 

I didn't whine too much.  My way was much worse.  I didn't understand that the problem was the drugs.  I thought it was my Hub.  So I was very mean and critical to him.  If I had been more able to care for myself and he had been less patient it would have been the end of our marriage. 

 

These days I am very aware of how unpleasant I was and what he had to put up with so I try not to whine.  My goal is to pay him back for the last few year of love and support he has given.  Obviously, not easy.  I want to whine nearly all the time, so I come here and do it.

 

ntw

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mbr, great that your daughter is coming home for her shower.  I'm sure you'll be fine through the next months, somehow we seem to cope and get ourselves through.  Looking back I don't know how I got through some situations, but I did and I pat myself on the back for that.  Just take it day by day. 

 

The emotional blunting comes with the territory unfortunately.  It's a harsh pill to swallow (pardon the pun) and I have real trouble accepting the fact that I have lost two years of my life needlessly.  I know now that I can get my anxiety under control (most of the time, sometimes it gets away on me) - thanks to my therapist drumming it into me last year and I just feel disappointed that I didn't find her before I went onto the drugs.  Hindsight is a great thing!

 

ntw, in the early stages of withdraw irritability was a biggie with me.  I know I said some cruel things to my poor, long suffering husband and I'm just grateful that he took it all on the chin and let me rant and rave.  I'm not the most patient person in the world and when you've lived with someone for over 30 years there will be ups and downs (fortunately more ups for us).  Most importantly we have a strong marriage, he is my best friend.  It scares me to think what could have been if he hadn't been so tolerant.  I can understand why these drugs are destroyers of relationships and careers.