[Gr...] Posted September 7, 2015 Author Share Posted September 7, 2015 My headache is mostly gone but I have the after effects which are just like recovery. Head weird and just blah. I did get out for my morning half caf and did lots of food shopping. Have lots of fruit, veggies, guacamole, pork ribs, wild salmon, grass fed burgers, pasture raised chicken, NZ lamb, and some wine for the mrs. Should make a few meals. . I also have been working on my model airplane from WW2. Not happy with part of my paint job. Oh well...that's the least of my worries. Onward. Drew, I have to emphasize what Marj said. most people can't work through this. you have. you've managed to step up, go to weddings, fly on airplanes, go on vacations. and those are supposed to be fun things!! for normal people, yes. for us, these are things we struggle so hard to do, wondering even if we can, we are severely tested doing these ordinary normally pleasurable things. for us, it's a test of strength and endurance, with prayers of please get me through this. You have really stepped up, above and beyond, holding onto your life. Give yourself a break. I don't think this is about other people believing us. I think it's more about us believing us, and doing right by ourselves. this understanding came to me with the return of mental clarity, around 18.5. I'm in place now where I understand, with full clarity, what I've been through. and it was very, very bad. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I know we want to be there for friends and family but -- what if we came down with a debilitating disease? cancer? ms? Parkinson's? that really happens to people. I think life changes when someone gets sick, whether it's withdrawal or anything else. it's inconvenient. but it happens. and we have to deal with it. and thank God we have recovery to look forward to. because a lot of sick people don't get better. I'm sure you'll be able to work it out. but take care of yourself. you're already dealing with all the stress of your brain trying to recover from this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Gr...] Posted September 7, 2015 Author Share Posted September 7, 2015 Nope...not all. Will not do it. My parents suggest the same thing. They all just don't know. I've had dark moments when I weakened, and started wondering if maybe I needed something. So glad I didn't. No, they really don't know. No one does. You will have your moment in the sun when the clarity thing happens, around 18. You will have that "I told you so' moment, when everyone, therapist, fiancé, parents, see that you were right all along. it was withdrawal! not you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[No...] Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 Green ... the 90/10 thing ... I suppose I mean that 90% of the time I am feeling "okay" ... not healed ... just okay ... and functioning pretty well ... and it is just a number ... a way I use to sort of witness my progress through this time ... As to the "pre-benzo" thing ... well that was a long time ago ... in another place entirely ... and how things are constellated for me has changed significantly ... I am now retired, a senior, and certainly looking at fewer days left for me than I have lived so far ... that is the "reality" of where I am in my life ... Good question ... "90% of what?" ... and I don't have a one size fits all response ... and if I thought I did I hope I would discard it ... Someone, somewhere mentioned something about this outward and this inward doing and being ... my inward journey has always been present throughout this process ... perhaps I am engaging the outward part of my life sort of 90% of the time now ... There are many ways to tell a story ... and the awareness does shift often ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[No...] Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 Good Morning ... looks like I am in a wave ... three days of this stuff constitutes a wave for me now ... Nothing to do about it ... let it be to do its thing ... my energy level feels depleted right now, and the physical stuff is pretty loud ... and most curious, no anxiety/panic stuff ... Let's have the best day we can ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Si...] Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 Yes looks like surfs up Nova. We'll just have to get the long boards and ride it out. Took me a while to fall asleep last night after getting into bed. This was after nearly falling asleep in the sofa. Woke up in the night and didn't realize I had been asleep until I remembered dreaming. Fell back asleep until about 7am and then in and out of light sleep after. Hope you can ride out the rest of the day in some relative comfort. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[No...] Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 Hi Siggy ... glad you got some sleep of a sort ... Riding out in comfort ... hmmm ... This one is all physical ... and seems to be engaging my circulation and nerves ... no gut issues though, which is nice ... and no anxiety/panic ... Just very boaty, legs feel like they would give out, some burning in the arms and back, and this head pressure from the ears forward ... pretty intense but not making me crazy ... Sort of hoping this one really cooks and gets all the odds and sods cleaned up ... that would be grand ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[dr...] Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 Good morning sig and nova.... Nova-hope you get rid of the physical crap. Having no anxiety/panic is huge though. If this is the last hurrah it'd be wonderful. Slept decent and just reading in bed. Hopefully a decent day ahead. Onward Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[...] Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 Hi Siggy ... glad you got some sleep of a sort ... Riding out in comfort ... hmmm ... This one is all physical ... and seems to be engaging my circulation and nerves ... no gut issues though, which is nice ... and no anxiety/panic ... Just very boaty, legs feel like they would give out, some burning in the arms and back, and this head pressure from the ears forward ... pretty intense but not making me crazy ... Sort of hoping this one really cooks and gets all the odds and sods cleaned up ... that would be grand ... Hope this buggers off for you Nova. I'm so encouraged by your general improvements I have the physical you describe as well as some anxiety that is being ramped up by a woman I work with and her voice. My ears are extra sensitive today. I'm doing deep breathing. Has anyone else had that where noise just shatters your nerves? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[No...] Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 Marj ... yep ... shattering noise ... Just a thought ... can you put a small, quiet fan on your desk and focus on that hum ... interestingly, even something quiet that you can focus on can drown out other noise ... sort of substituting one for the other ... The noise and the light stuff will clear up in its own time ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[No...] Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 Drew ... have a decent day ... I insist ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Si...] Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 Yes I had the hypercusis really bad early on. It's mostly gone now as well as the tinnitus has diminished greatly. My eyes have become super sensitive to light since I've had this cold the last few days. That's a new one for me. Nova has some good advice. Maybe some type of white noise to drown out the harpies shrillness. Glad you're have a low gear day so far drew. I still have the head pressure and depression. Par for the course. I did go to grocery store with my wife to get out of the house. Didn't realize I haven't been out since coming home from work on Friday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[No...] Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 Phew ... this one is banging me around pretty good ... does not seem to be letting up ... not getting anything done today ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Si...] Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 Phew ... this one is banging me around pretty good ... does not seem to be letting up ... not getting anything done today ... Me either, feel like a big lump today. Not up to much other than being depressed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Gr...] Posted September 7, 2015 Author Share Posted September 7, 2015 Green ... the 90/10 thing ... I suppose I mean that 90% of the time I am feeling "okay" ... not healed ... just okay ... and functioning pretty well ... and it is just a number ... a way I use to sort of witness my progress through this time ... As to the "pre-benzo" thing ... well that was a long time ago ... in another place entirely ... and how things are constellated for me has changed significantly ... I am now retired, a senior, and certainly looking at fewer days left for me than I have lived so far ... that is the "reality" of where I am in my life ... Good question ... "90% of what?" ... and I don't have a one size fits all response ... and if I thought I did I hope I would discard it ... Someone, somewhere mentioned something about this outward and this inward doing and being ... my inward journey has always been present throughout this process ... perhaps I am engaging the outward part of my life sort of 90% of the time now ... There are many ways to tell a story ... and the awareness does shift often ... Nova, the percentage thing stayed with me. I wrote something in my log about it. I can say 90% mental, yes, definitely. And by that I don't just mean anxiety and depression. I'm talking about DP, DR, cog fog, inability to process information, problem solve, new learning, multitasking, social interaction, emotional stability, and I could go on. That's mental, for me, and I was quite impaired before. I would say that's recovered to 90%. Organization and handling stress, better, but not there yet. Handling stress, what I do is mentally walk away from most things, unless it's death, childbirth or taxes. The physical, even accounting for age, I'm not even close. Still can do a of stuff. I still wake up very very tired and it takes a long time to get started. Yes, Nova, we're certainly waking up a lot older than we were when this started. I think about death and the end more than I ever did before, I think about hoping to depart life on my own terms, and what in living will make me feel peaceful and fulfilled when my time comes. Did you ever read To Kill A Mockingbird? The old woman the boy read to afternoons, as she withdrew from her morphine addiction? Her wish that she would pass free from that addiction? I think about that frequently, and I'm grateful that I will be free from the addiction and mental haze of Xanax when I pass. I believe when we heal sufficiently, we will make very good use of the time we have left on the Earth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Gr...] Posted September 7, 2015 Author Share Posted September 7, 2015 Good Morning ... looks like I am in a wave ... three days of this stuff constitutes a wave for me now ... Nothing to do about it ... let it be to do its thing ... my energy level feels depleted right now, and the physical stuff is pretty loud ... and most curious, no anxiety/panic stuff ... Let's have the best day we can ... You are not alone. I am still getting waves. they're not the same as they were, but still pack a terrible punch. Mine just let up. It will pass. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[dr...] Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 We are here to amuse you nova to help you pass this by. In the morning I got a visit from my old friend cog fog/dr and thigh soreness. DR very thick. No biggie....I decided I might as well get out and walk since if I feel wonky I might as well do something. I ended up walking almost four miles. A bit of anxiety but nothing I couldn't handle. Onward! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[No...] Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 Drew ... I am ready to be amused ... it has been a long day and not letting up yet ... haven't done the clock watching thing in a long time ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Gr...] Posted September 7, 2015 Author Share Posted September 7, 2015 Hi Siggy ... glad you got some sleep of a sort ... Riding out in comfort ... hmmm ... This one is all physical ... and seems to be engaging my circulation and nerves ... no gut issues though, which is nice ... and no anxiety/panic ... Just very boaty, legs feel like they would give out, some burning in the arms and back, and this head pressure from the ears forward ... pretty intense but not making me crazy ... Sort of hoping this one really cooks and gets all the odds and sods cleaned up ... that would be grand ... Hope this buggers off for you Nova. I'm so encouraged by your general improvements I have the physical you describe as well as some anxiety that is being ramped up by a woman I work with and her voice. My ears are extra sensitive today. I'm doing deep breathing. Has anyone else had that where noise just shatters your nerves? Noise, Marj. I remember the sound of the automatic locks on the doors of my car snapping so loudly I jumped and my head hit the ceiling of the car, it sounded like a gunshot. Recently I was thinking how almost unnoticeable that same sound is, remember the day it was deafening. It will pass. And make sure you sit in a place where you don't have to look at the woman. out of sight, out of mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Gr...] Posted September 7, 2015 Author Share Posted September 7, 2015 Nova, sorry you're having such a bad day. Hang in there, it will pass, they all do Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[je...] Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 Hi buddies, Well, I finally got hit with a wave about 4-5 days ago... Not as bad as they used to be, but still not pleasant. Even though we are all so much better, there is still some more healing to be done. Onward we go... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[No...] Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 Jenny .. good to see you ... sorry you found another wave ... yep ... onward we go ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[No...] Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 Green ... yes, they all pass eventually ... I had forgotten about the woman and the boy in Mockingbird ... thank you for reminding me ... My oh my ... that book brings back some memories ... 1961 ... first year of high school ... hmmm ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Co...] Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 Nova, Green and Jenny. . Jumping on the wavy train with guys. I have had a nice long stretch of days cruising along on the 80%-90% car. Threw a nice family birthday party for my ex. Friday I shopped, Saturday I cooked and baked his favorite chocolate chip cookies. I haven't cooked and baked like that in 2 years....it wasn't even a lot of cooking, just preparing salmon, asparagus and baby potatoes in foil packets for the grill....about 15 of them... Set up everything the night before. I was exhausted that night but still in a very good space. Yesterday, the day of I got head pressure right before it was time for everyone to show up. I haven't had head pressure in a long time, but there it was along with anxiety, appetite loss and feeling disconnected. I am completely convinced that it was all w/d and anxiety. I had a good time anyway....through the sx....damn!...Last night and most of today my body feels run over, I didn't sleep, got up with a headache, depression, intrusive thoughts of impending death and dying, crushing fatigue cog fog and head/ear and temple pressure making the health fears dance a jig. Welcome back to acute and a full blown wave. ....It is beginning to lift but it absolutely caught me off gaurd. ....Nova....so sorry you are getting flung around today. I have nothing entertaining to say....just scoot over and make some room on the couch... I will just sit and ' be with' you until it passes for both of us. .....Green, I totally get the 90% better head stuff but the physical not being in sync. I am still dragging for an hour or more after getting up....today all morning was like pushing through mud and I am back on the bed watching mysteries at 230 in the afternoon...I am glad that you opened up some conversation around death/dying. I still get random intrusive thoughts that are dark and thick with themes of dying. It is a great relief to know that others are trying to live while feeling like they are dying. Mine are so much better than they were, but when they show up they bring thier friends depression and anxiety along....We are so mu h better ....but not better enough and still healing. I knew a wave was waiting for me in the wings, but it still took the wind out of my sails... .....Jenny....sorry you got hit after months of being so well. Has it faded now?.. Really glad that you came back on to get some buddy support here....It's astounding that we can feel good for weeks and months and it comes around and blasts us again....Hope you are back to 100% again .... ....I have my swallow study tomorrow....I actually feel pretty confident about it as my reflux sx are manageable with careful diet modifications, but I do want to know if there is an esophogeal hernia or spasms. Just to know what is really going on helps to tame the health fears. I have no intention of taking meds or considering surgery.... ....Well, here we are benched on the w/d couch with Nova...couldn't have better cozier company....pass the tea and settle in ...hope we all feel better soon.....coop Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[No...] Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 Coop ... sorry you are on the couch ... I have been watching episodes of New Tricks all day ... bored out of my tree ... Hope things settle down for all of us ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Co...] Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 Visual processing. Anyone have problems with this? My brain is so much calmer when my glasses are off. Driving is the worst. Is this a form of dr? I don't know why dr would be less without glasses on. It's currently my worst most persistent symptom. Thanks Peace2 .....Peace, I get this too. It's like my glasses bring everything in too close, too intense and with hard sharp edges......everything is too right on top of me to process. I haven't used my glasses ( except when absolutely needed) I months because,everything just seems a little more muted and softer without them. I.am also still getting flashes and floaters, but after my traumatizing eye exam in May I am afraid to go back. If they don't completely go away I may just look for another opthomologist. ... . ...Where are the rose colored glasses? We could use them .Hope you are feeling better... coop Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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