12-18 month support

[[al...]]

beulah and coop..

 

i was hoping it wasn't god wanting me to die but i am so confused.. i loved life before this and was a good person who wouldn't hurt a fly and i'm sure you two are the same way..i cried and cried to god to help me and begged and begged for him to take me and i still do.. so maybe he doesn't want me yet because i always say if you won't heal me than take me but he didn't...

 

i never had any of this before i took the pills but i can't understand why me??? why would our souls be taken from us?? i lost my heart my soul the love for my family and then i think why??? i'm not even sure if i'll be the same again i have no hope right now but i'm hoping i get some soon... i'm glad i have you guys to talk to and understand what i'm going through.. my husband said in 28 years he has never seen me cry so much and he cries with me... :'( thank you for being here for me...

[[Gr...]]

Hello, everyone

 

I'm mostly very tired, nothing much to report.  Hoping all of you get some breaks.  It feels like a waiting game now, a holding pattern, doesn't it?  We're all so close, but just not there, so we wait.

 

Off to some extremely off Broadway show.  TTYL.

[[be...]]

Oh yes coop...I savor and hold on to the good days..I let it take my breath away!!

On good days I want to squeeze in all the living that I used to do before this.

Sometimes just spending the day at home taking it all in...is enough for me.

 

Often I think about how I took my life for granted..all of the small trivial things I worried about.

 

We will all have such a greater appreciation for life ...we will savor all of the days we have left.

 

Cyber space friends we may all be....but we are the best in times of these.

[[Co...]]

Green...enjoy..A holding pattern...holding on today for me..dizzy and anxious...not the lifting I experienced yesterday, but getting through...Green, I know you are tired, but your other sx seem to be leveling off...I am hoping this is your turn around... ...yes, I think we are getting there...I think it's huge that you are getting to the shows...coop

[[dr...]]

Allbymyself-you're absolutely right....you'll never be the same again.  You will be stronger, better, more appreciative of everything and able to apply what you learned through this to so many areas of your life.  You weren't around for this but my dad recently got addicted to pain killers after knee surgery.  He went cold turkey about three weeks ago. He got hit w irrational fear, anxiety, and the other stuff. Drs wanted to give him Klonoipin. My experience has gotten him through the darkest times without any drugs at all.  He said my experience and constant coaching support helped him through it.  He's not out of the woods yet but he had a few great days to know he'll come out the other side.

 

 

Hi everyone else-I'm still in a moderately okay healing pattern. 

[[Co...]]

Hi Drew...moderately good sounds immensely better than acute....Happy to hear it Drew....coop

[[al...]]

thanks drew..

 

i'm holding on and hoping to get to the other side..i wish your dad luck.he's lucky to have you.

[[Gr...]]

Allbymyself.. that feeling of not sensing your body is depersonalization...the feeling that you are not real. It is classic w/d...I don't know anyone who doesn't have it. .some for longer and more intense times than others. Sky has had the body vibrations all along. 

  ..Month 16/ 17 were my worst months ...exactly like acute again. I went to the clinic a couple of weeks ago in one of the worst panic attacks I have had in months. I had been free of panics for at least 4/5 months and got hit out of the blue. I was dizzy, faint headed, shaking, in terror, literally feeling like I was having a stroke or heart attack. My b/p was 180/90...I was so nauseous that I was a breath away from vomiting. I will tell you this...I accepted 2.5 of v ..it helped a tiny bit.. for exactly 2 hours and all my fear was back. I honestly think the increase of beta blocker dose for specifically that event...under the supervision of my pdoc was way more helpful than the v. I declined the prescription ...I came home without any benzo...still scared ...I take a very low dose beta blocker for b/p spikes. ...It helps some of the physical chemical impact of anxiety/panic.

  .Many buddies have reassured me that fluctuations in b/p, heart rate. .respirations, body temp ( some people freeze in an anxiety attack...others sweat buckets.. it's all part of the autonomic parasympathetic cns).  So fluctuating between 80 and 50 pulse is very likely w/d. ...When I was at the clinic my ekg was normal.  Normal in the midst of that tsunami panic.

    How are you doing now ?...Do you feel that the sheer panic of it has peaked? My panics run anywhere from minutes to an hour and then level off to intense anxiety ( shaking, intense anxiety, health fear, crying and exhaustion)  I am tired the next day and health fears linger waxing and waning. It can take me as long as a week ( this time longer) to feel centered again. I did nor have any of this before ativan. I had never had a panic in my life until I became tolerant to ativan

....My heart is with you All, it is the worst misery. Health fear is my worst sx. I will probably do some therapy after I am done with with this as I feel that recovery itself has been traumatic. I want to wait until I am more healed to avoid the pressure of any doc wanting to see me back on. Frankly, if I won't ever work again with a doc or therapist that insists on any psych meds. My pdoc has seen me through at least 3 tsunami panics and never pressured me...although he offers me 3/4 day rescue prescription...I turn it down every tine. He warns me every time.. Taking even 2/3 doses will put me right back in tolerance and acute .  That this will be true for the rest of my life.  And that most likely benzos will not be effective for me ever again.  barring one time pre-op therapy...I believe him

....All, do whatever you have to do short of reinstating. If that means going to er just to get checked out.  essentially for the reassurance of knowing your body is ok.  There is no harm in that.  15-18 months has been a very rough go for some of us here.  Now there are several reporting improvement..

..I am so glad to know that you have a supportive caring husband.  That is a huge plus in w/d...Take it easy if you can. Btw.. if you go back 10 or 12 days on this thread you will see my posts that read exactly like yours.  ...it's going to be ok All, it is hell, but it's going to be ok....coop

 

Coop, I'm curious about what your doctor said, about benzos never working for you again, never being effective for you again.  I wonder how he knows that.  I totally believe it, I just wonder, because I've never heard that addressed here, future efficacy. I know we can't take them again, without quickly going into tolerance, I know that.  Do you think that's what he meant?

 

I have a very strong sense that if I took a Xanax, one, it would not work, and, two, I'd be off to the races immediately.  I don't even want to drink, much less take benzos, because I feel like my body is still very sensitized -- you know, that feeling we get, like don't take it, whether it's a vitamin, an OTC, or sometimes even certain foods. 

 

Do you think he meant from an addiction perspective?  Yeah, I guess he did.  Like I said, our brains don't know why we were taking them, or for what purpose.  Our brains just respond to the drugs.

 

Coop

 

I did get to my show tonight.  But I am seriously tired, very fatigued.  and tired of waiting for the other shoe to fall, the next great wave.  It's so hard to go about acting normal, even somewhat normal, with these symptoms.  I feel bad complaining, because I don't have the bad anxiety wave that you've had, Coop, that a lot of you have.  but doesn't it seem there are so few good days?  That the majority of this is bad waves and dreary, exhausting days?

 

Omg, I must be depressed -- dreary, exhausting days.   

 

Seriously, this is a hell of a job, chin up, stiff upper lip, stoic, one foot in front of the other, chase away all the rainy day thoughts -- it's freaking exhausting!

[[Co...]]

Hi Green, ..I think he meant that they would not work for me in the future beyond a one time dose like in a clinical setting like for a surgery. He gave me 2.5 for my panic and b/p in the office...and offered me 3 additional doses ( which I declined) to take home....with the warning that more than that would put me back to tolerance.  And that would hold true for the rest of my life. I think he meant anything more than a couple doses in a row is like reinstating and reinstating doesn't work at all like the first therapy of anti-anxieties

....Does that make any sense? ..I believe him because that 2.5 v was only effective for about 2 hours and then all my anxiety came back..My b/p stayed down, but he also had me take a larger dose of my atenolol in the office.....Me too, I am totally convinced that  a)...ativan will not have the same effect for me that it did....and.  b)  even at a lesser effect I could very easily be physically dependent again...and probably psychologically drpendent. His position is that the real problem beyond the physical hell of w/d is the even more difficult 'w/d' of believing that there is some drug out there that will stop panics and anxiety. The hardest part ( according to him...and I agree) is changing that thought process...which is hard because it was such a miracle drug when we first took it....and in a panic we feel like we will die if er or the doctor doesn't give us something

....well that was a long rambling answer

...I just know that 2.5 v did pretty much nothing for my tsunami panic...so it has to be up to my mind ...

....My only hope is that when I am healed I won't have the anxiety and panics...I didn't have them before ...How are you doing?....coop

[[Co...]]

Green.  The other shoe might not ever drop. You are far enough out that you don't have to automatically expect months more of this. ...I agree....there are just not enough goid days. It is exhausting to try to have any kind of life .. I miss my old life every day ....and I think I feel worse than I did last year...I just keep holding on to HH's progress ...and all the success stories that say they were miserable...and then they were not..  ..I was in bed today too with fatigue and anxiety. I have that 'can't breathe ' thing that Nova talks about. I keep trying to take these huge breaths.  That makes it worse and makes me twice as tired...having said all that .. yesterday was really better. .today not...hoping for a better day again tomorrow.  .for all of us....coop

[[Fi...]]

Green--sounds like we are on the same page, symptom-wise.  Out of the past five days, I had one good one.  I'm just very fatigued.

[[Sk...]]

Mike and Nova....I am on your trave today. Yesterday was better....dizziness and anxiety is trying to trick me into my incessant health anxiety. I am not going there willingly. Just managing to float above it with distractions...puttering, walking the dog, tv, ( too anxious to focus on a book) . Visiting with all of you. Yesterday started out like this and lifted later in the day.  Crossing my fingers. Nova, I have that air hunger thing you describe as " faux asthma".. do you find yourself just trying to take huge breaths in kind of unnatural way.. literally kind of sucking in air?.. It's driving me nuts and trying to get me to focus on it. I am doing my best to ignore it. I actually think my ribs and back are sore from expanding my chest so big in that unnatural gulping of air.

  ....Mike.. adding to my comment to Nova..  I also think I might have an upper respiratory thing going on because of the air gulping and sore ribs ...going in next week for a chest x-ray just for reassurance.

....yep...you are healing either way. Your post reminds me of Beulah's bout of bronchitis and feeling the healing on both fronts..  w/d and bronchitis...

....I have waves of anxiety and a few intrusive doomy thoughts going on, but trying to ignore it. ...How did it go yesterday at the bouncy house?.  Boy, I miss those days with my children.. now even my grandsons are on to things for older children like soccer, theater for children and one is a beginning debate team ...How old is your little one?

.....hoping your day unfolds towards continued better feeling....coop

.

 

About the faux asthma, maybe I know what you guys mean. Never thought of it as asthma though. To me if feels more like hol ding my breath and not wanting to breathe, being too scared to do that.

I tried doing the breathing exercises Coop suggested, but after the third time, my mind starts to wander and I revert to the holding breath routine.

Odd to say the least.

 

My other shoe has dropped, my period is about to begin. The last two days have been very bad.

 

My last period was beyond bearable, the pain in the ovaries was incredibly strong. This is said by someone who did not notice she had a ruptured appendix, I am very strong with pain.

 

So, as you can tell, I am overwhelmed. All I can do, is the same as always, work, distract with my activities and sleep.

 

I am reading my copy of Baylissa's book, it's simple enough for me to read. Lots of advice. I am proud to see that many things I was able to figure out by myself the hard way.

 

In one passage, she says the windows get longer, the waves shorter. I have not got that yet, quite the contrary, so I guess I still have a lot  of healing to do.

 

A new element of my routine, is to get up and take a 4-5 mile walk before breakfast at full speed. Hard, but I return feeling more refreshed mentally. And it's quite beautiful to see the town wake up.

 

Everybody, I am tired and discouraged. 

 

Have  a nicer day everybody.

 

[[Sk...]]

Yesterday, I had to reassure mr Sky about my health being provoked by wd, he had started getting a little scared.

 

What is the world coming to ?

[[No...]]

Having a very lousy day ... going quiet for a while ...

[[al...]]

sorry you're having a bad day nova... :'(

[[Co...]]

Thinking  of you Nova..  love to you.. love to you....coop

[[Co...]]

Sky...I hope your day improves. 4/5 mile walks... amazing...you have such determination.. I also am not finding shorter waves ( if only) and longer windows ( my biggest wish in the world right now). I was experiencing that at the end of March...an 8 week wave from hell has followed.Trying to believe that maybe it is my last terrible wave. I will say that oddly, my sleep has improved.

  So glad you have Mr. Sky to watch over you...our support people are the unsung heroes in this hard travel.

.....Wishing you a better day.  Love to you....coop...

[[Sk...]]

Sky...I hope your day improves. 4/5 mile walks... amazing...you have such determination.. I also am not finding shorter waves ( if only) and longer windows ( my biggest wish in the world right now). I was experiencing that at the end of March...an 8 week wave from hell has followed.Trying to believe that maybe it is my last terrible wave. I will say that oddly, my sleep has improved.

  So glad you have Mr. Sky to watch over you...our support people are the unsung heroes in this hard travel.

.....Wishing you a better day.  Love to you....coop...

 

My mistake, I made the conversion badly, it's 2 miles something !

[[Co...]]

Me too...my 8 week wave began at the end of Feb.  It's a wonder that our brains function at all...

[[Mi...]]

 

Mike,

 

I'm so glad you're feeling better, and having a good day with your son.  Funny, HH got sick a lot, too, in her last eight weeks, before she healed...

 

Yesterday was strange at best but much better than the day before.  Really bad again today.  Muscles are dead and sore, just wanna sleep.  No clue what's going on around me.  The funny thing is, the two positive things I have going for me are:  A really long stretch of bad days that might mean healing soon.....and I keep getting sick which might mean healing soon!  Laughable!

 

How are you doing today?

 

Good, better.  the M17 wave kicked my a$$, so I still haven't come back from that, physically, anyway.  like you very, very tired, sore muscles, would like to be taking a nap a lot of the day.  and then, on the other hand, I have a lot of clarity I didn't have before, flashes of feeling amazingly like me.  I'm not sure what to make of it. Like all of us, I'm shellshocked, wondering, what happens next?  We're close, it has to happen soon, but am I going to get hit with another major wave?  How many more?  I guess I'm in a holding pattern now, waiting?

 

I want to thank you for being such an inspiration earlier.  I was stuck to my couch, couldn't get out the door, even though I knew I had to, and your posts really went a long way toward getting me up and out

 

That's pretty awesome to hear, glad I could help.  You and others on this site have picked me up so many times.  Many more times than you know of.......my posting average is only 0.129 per day ya know!   On that note, I'm trying to get better at being more present around here rather than being a dedicated lurker.  We have some exciting times coming in the near future, this is definitely going to be the happening place to be. 

 

Heading to Battleship Cove in Fall River, MA in a bit.  (with the cub scouts)  Should be really neat touring the massive WW2 boats.  Woke up feeling awful but now I feel much better.  I think this 20+ day wave BS might be just about over since I had a few good hours last night too.  I'm a little spacey but not bad.  Just glad the dizziness and severe body pain/tension let way up.  I feel 60% human, I'll take it!

 

Wishing you all a great Sunday.

 

Former lurker,

 

Mike

[[Mi...]]

SKY;  Thank you for reminding me, I need to start hiking every morning again!  I don't live in a place where I can watch the town wake up, but I can watch the woods wake up I suppose.  Good for you, get out there and enjoy it!

[[Sk...]]

SKY;  Thank you for reminding me, I need to start hiking every morning again! I don't live in a place where I can watch the town wake up, but I can watch the woods wake up I suppose.  Good for you, get out there and enjoy it!

 

Probably much more interesting to watch nature wake up !

[[Co...]]

Sky, Beulah told me an easier breathing strategy....relax the belly ...expand the belly when inhaling rather than expanding the chest so much...it works...Nova told me.  if I am not blue and passing out I am breathing and ok...both are helpful...coop

[[je...]]

Green.  The other shoe might not ever drop. You are far enough out that you don't have to automatically expect months more of this. ...I agree....there are just not enough goid days. It is exhausting to try to have any kind of life .. I miss my old life every day ....and I think I feel worse than I did last year...I just keep holding on to HH's progress ...and all the success stories that say they were miserable...and then they were not..  ..I was in bed today too with fatigue and anxiety. I have that 'can't breathe ' thing that Nova talks about. I keep trying to take these huge breaths.  That makes it worse and makes me twice as tired...having said all that .. yesterday was really better. .today not...hoping for a better day again tomorrow.  .for all of us....coop

 

 

Coop, I feel the same way you do right now.. I sit here and think I feel worse than I did last year.. But in a window I feel like I'm healing, makes no sense. I did read from a few members that they got worse in months 12-18 and then slowly saw improvements.. I'm just hoping for a big turnaround here soon

[[je...]]

Sky-- last month my cycle was worse than I can remember.. We must be on the same track, because I'm due any day and my mood is suffering from it. Just want you to know I'm right there with ya