12-18 month support

[[No...]]

Coop ... no charge ... 

[[Fi...]]

Chris--I'm 64 so you see there's even more of us than you thought who are having to go through this at this time in our lives.  I have been through the round after round of feeling just as miserable as you describe.  Just tried to hang on and stay on the straightest path toward healing, which I believe is letting our brains do their own thing. Since I couldn't stand my own thoughts, my best distraction was to just plug into a lot of tame old TV series such as How I Met Your Mother.  I'm on Friends now and may have to start on Cheers if I don't get better soon.  Although I must have thought, on a good day recently, that I was healing, because I cut back my Netflix take from six to three!  I think it's moderator Megan who advises distract distract distract.  How you feel is temporary.  You are not always going to feel this way.  Don't quit before the miracle.

[[Co...]]

FJ.  Yep,...I have seen every episode of Frasier, Friends, Cheers.. even I Love Lucy .. they all come on my networks in the middle of the night.  Did I mention The Golden Girls.  On horrible days I even watch The Waltons.  It seems that while my cns is so sensitive to any emotions ( goid as well as bad can set off anxiety) and my cog fog is too thick to allow for real thinking those are all I can handle and the old Cary Grant and Jack Lemon TCM movies.  I am sure I am now at about a 3rd grade level of cognitive ability. I take courage in the fact that Green is out in the city integrating and reflecting on complex plays.  Maybe there is hope that I will once again sit through a movie and not only follow it but contemplate it. For me, it's just other voices besides the Benzo voices.  Just distraction.  Turning my mind into play dough

  Hope you are feeling the healing more and more every day.  coop

[[al...]]

i've done frasier over a hundred times i can quote every episode... i did golden girls and now on all in the family.. i have this weird sx my body feels like a paper cut out but it feels full of anxiety and has a slight vibration to it and then i feel like i'm going crazy.. anyone have this or hear of it..

 

coop when you said you went to the hospital in months 16 and thought you were dying what were your sxs???

 

fj63.. i'm fighting for my life today..you know i noticed over the last 2 weeks my heart rate has gone back to normal in the 50's is that a good sign?? it used to be in the 80's every morning now 50's...

[[No...]]

Chris ... a while ago my bp and heart rate returned to my pre-benzo levels and has stayed there ... also, about a month ago the panic stuff ceased ... still wrestling with the anxiety stuff ...

 

Inner vibration stuff is common ... and crazy making ... it can show up anywhere ...

 

The paper cut-out sensation is probably a version dp/dr ... also common ... and harmless ...

 

I have this knack of going into the bathroom and not recognizing the handsome fella looking back at me, also, I still get the disconnection where I reach for things and I miss, and they keep shrinking the doorways around here and I bounce off them ... all dp/dr stuff ... and it is getting better .. at least the sidewalks don't tilt when I am out for a walk anymore ... and the trees stay rooted and don't move around ...

 

Such an interesting life we are leading ... 

[[Co...]]

Allbymyself.. that feeling of not sensing your body is depersonalization...the feeling that you are not real. It is classic w/d...I don't know anyone who doesn't have it. .some for longer and more intense times than others. Sky has had the body vibrations all along. 

  ..Month 16/ 17 were my worst months ...exactly like acute again. I went to the clinic a couple of weeks ago in one of the worst panic attacks I have had in months. I had been free of panics for at least 4/5 months and got hit out of the blue. I was dizzy, faint headed, shaking, in terror, literally feeling like I was having a stroke or heart attack. My b/p was 180/90...I was so nauseous that I was a breath away from vomiting. I will tell you this...I accepted 2.5 of v ..it helped a tiny bit.. for exactly 2 hours and all my fear was back. I honestly think the increase of beta blocker dose for specifically that event...under the supervision of my pdoc was way more helpful than the v. I declined the prescription ...I came home without any benzo...still scared ...I take a very low dose beta blocker for b/p spikes. ...It helps some of the physical chemical impact of anxiety/panic.

  .Many buddies have reassured me that fluctuations in b/p, heart rate. .respirations, body temp ( some people freeze in an anxiety attack...others sweat buckets.. it's all part of the autonomic parasympathetic cns).  So fluctuating between 80 and 50 pulse is very likely w/d. ...When I was at the clinic my ekg was normal.  Normal in the midst of that tsunami panic.

    How are you doing now ?...Do you feel that the sheer panic of it has peaked? My panics run anywhere from minutes to an hour and then level off to intense anxiety ( shaking, intense anxiety, health fear, crying and exhaustion)  I am tired the next day and health fears linger waxing and waning. It can take me as long as a week ( this time longer) to feel centered again. I did nor have any of this before ativan. I had never had a panic in my life until I became tolerant to ativan

....My heart is with you All, it is the worst misery. Health fear is my worst sx. I will probably do some therapy after I am done with with this as I feel that recovery itself has been traumatic. I want to wait until I am more healed to avoid the pressure of any doc wanting to see me back on. Frankly, if I won't ever work again with a doc or therapist that insists on any psych meds. My pdoc has seen me through at least 3 tsunami panics and never pressured me...although he offers me 3/4 day rescue prescription...I turn it down every tine. He warns me every time.. Taking even 2/3 doses will put me right back in tolerance and acute .  That this will be true for the rest of my life.  And that most likely benzos will not be effective for me ever again.  barring one time pre-op therapy...I believe him

....All, do whatever you have to do short of reinstating. If that means going to er just to get checked out.  essentially for the reassurance of knowing your body is ok.  There is no harm in that.  15-18 months has been a very rough go for some of us here.  Now there are several reporting improvement..

..I am so glad to know that you have a supportive caring husband.  That is a huge plus in w/d...Take it easy if you can. Btw.. if you go back 10 or 12 days on this thread you will see my posts that read exactly like yours.  ...it's going to be ok All, it is hell, but it's going to be ok....coop

[[al...]]

omg nova... you had it worse then me.. my worst sxs was probably the electrical shocks going through my body like someone stuck a 220 wire up my butt and flipped the switch... but i don't like the d/p d/r either it freaks me out..i guess i'm sensitive..

 

i know what you mean by not recognizing yourself in the mirror and i'm sure you're handsome ....lol! i hate all of this crap and want it to go away and my brain to heal...the only bad thing with my blood work is my b12 is double what it should be and white cell count is down but that's runs in my family..

 

interesting life to say the least.... i never want to go through this again ever.. is there any snow in your area??

[[Co...]]

All, you are sounding a little better...go very easy on yourself...thinking of you...coop

[[al...]]

thank you coop.. i hope it doesn't get any worse for the duration of this w/d.. it's so hard to imagine what this pill has done to us.. i was such a strong and out going person and did so many things with my family and traveled every where.. i will look back and read what you wrote on the thread... thanks..

[[No...]]

Chris ... we still have mounds of snow/ice in places ... and there is still snow/ice in the woods on the trails ... it is all gradually going away ...

 

My friend ... there is no worse than me or less than me ... everyone has their own trip though this stuff ... and we all get through it ... some days are more "tense" than others ... and that sense of endless hopelessness is always just around the corner ...

 

Suffering is not the same as helplessness ... this far out we know we are not helpless ... even though it feels that way sometimes ... we are strong ... we are stubborn ... and we are often exhausted ... and we just keep on keeping on until we don't have to anymore ...

 

We all heal ... we just don't know when ... and each day we are getting better ...

 

[[Co...]]

All, me too...a full happy life with grandchildren, volunteering, doing things with friends...independent.. We will get our lives back. HH went on a 2 week field trip to NYC ...with a group of highschoolers....a month before that she had 6 weeks of terrible sx and anxiety.. .she is at 22 months now ( I think) and doing all the things she used to.. You are going to heal too....coop

[[Co...]]

" suffering is not the same as helplessness"....exactly the reminder I needed today...thanks Nova....this is why we love you.  coop

[[al...]]

well coop and nova here's hoping we all heal soon.. i'm still in shock it even happened to me so i might need counselling after.. not sure but i'll see.

 

you guys are so helpful and it made my day easier talking to you...

[[No...]]

Chris ... getting through this stuff ain't easy ... good to hear you are sounding a bit more grounded ... and ... more storms may show up for you and you can get through them just like you have gotten through all the others ...

 

We all give and receive on this thread ... that is the nature of this work we are going through ...

 

And ... kindness towards ourselves is as important as kindness towards others ... about a year ago, I realized that cutting myself some slack probably wouldn't hurt too much and might even be useful ...

 

Be Well ...

[[No...]]

Hi Coop ... how ya' doin' ...

 

I am muddling through this frickin' anxiety stuff again today ... not crazy loud ... but a bit more than a nuisance ...

 

I am disappointed ... I didn't manage to find any mischief ... guess I need an audience ... she who must be obeyed should return soon ... maybe I will try again later ... 

[[Co...]]

Hey Nova....I am right there with you...yesterday...good break from anxiety...today constant and nourished by boatyness and health fears...just hanging on reminding myself that yesterday was proof positive of good healing coming my way...just puttering and watching mindless tv to stay distracted . Like you once said, "  better, but not better enough"..  hope you find some mischief...coop....Did you have anxiety before benzos?...I didnt....one panic that immediately followed my initial vertigo attack....Now I wonder if it's just going to be part of my life forever.. ...7 or so weeks ago I had 5 straight days of no anxiety.....hoping for more of those but getting weary of ' getting through the anxiety"...Onward we go...coop

[[No...]]

Coop ... like the panic, I had many years anxiety free after childhood ... then kaboom ... one Friday evening it all came roaring back ...

 

So, I suspect it will all fall gradually away as I move through this process ...

[[be...]]

Hi all, it's a cold rainy day here and I'm in the soup..just a simmer though.

Lots of nerve and muscle pain...yuk.

Have had the teeth clenching all day....some faux asthma....stuffed up ears.

My sister said she would be over later for a visit..had to tell her I'm not up to it.

 

As the song goes..just another day in paradise!

 

Chris- Just want to let you you know that we understand everything you are going through, you are not alone in this. This is probably the worst thing you have been thorough in you life..as well it has been for me ..and probably all of us.

I will be 60 in a couple of months and this is my second withdrawal. For many many months I didn't think I would make it out of this alive...way to much suffering...and yes..I wanted to end my life...everyday for a while...but because of my religious beliefs I held on.

 

One day I decided ..I'm going to die anyway ..so why not die fighting for my life in this withdrawal.

I fought long and hard ...so glad I put up the fight to stay alive

Ride the roller coaster till it stops...

 

 

 

[[No...]]

Hi Beulah ... yep ... just another day in paradise ... 

 

Hope you have a quiet evening ...

 

Chilly here in Halifax ... some sun tho' ...

[[al...]]

thanks beulah..

no i've never been through anything near this ever..i never knew what anxiety or depression felt like or panic.. this is so horrible and scary.i'm so scared i cry all day everyday.. i have suicidal ideation almost everyday and i never felt like this in my life i find it hard to believe what's happening to me.. i always feel that god wants me to die or he won't make me feel suicidal ideation.. this is so confusing.. my god i'm in shock.. maybe i'm in shock also and that's why i can't heal..

 

 

[[Co...]]

The honesty and vulnerability in this group is heart breaking ly beautiful. ......I don't think this could ever be found in a 'group therapy' 'fascilitated' face to face format. To me, there has always been something about written experience that transcends the face to face ego burdened connection . ...but then I am hopelessly introverted so this format is perfect for me.

.....I have to say, yet again, it is you , my friends who have prevented reinstatement for me and made it possible for me to get from one day to the next...sometimes one hour to the next.

.....you are all such brave and lovely people.  coop

[[be...]]

Chris, No..God does not want you to die....it's the withdrawal making you think that way because we never new such suffering existed before all of this.

It feels like you are in shock because the brain is sorting everything out and many wires are crossed giving you the shocked feeling of unrealness.

 

I was put on this crap for insomnia ...I just thought I had insomnia!!

You're gonna be ok..you gotta climb the mountains..walk the valleys...swim the ocean..to get to the other side..which is healing.

[[Co...]]

Chris, God would not give you life ...and then want to take it from you. That is not God. God loves you and wants you to be well so you can bless the world with all the gifts He gave you. It is God who gave you a supportive loving husband, doctors who are knowledgeable enough to know what tests to order and intrept them as ok. .Who brought you to a forum of others who are going through everything that you are...He has been leading you. It is benzos that is totally messing with your mind. If you had none of this before benzos....it's all going to go away....my heart goes out to you...coop

[[Co...]]

Beulah...You are my inspiration today.  I just love you...

.....That is it exactly....I realize that through this w/d I have stopped living for fear of dying. ...and if I am going to die I am going to do it while doing my best to live. I have stopped comparing my w/d life to my former life. Some days 'living' is being brave enough to get the dog out, some days 'living ' is pushing through my intense anxiety to do something with my daughter that she wants to do.  some days it's just knowing that healing is my whole job on a given day so someday I can get back to being the mother nonnie friend and volunteer teacher that I was 2.5 years ago. ..Once in awhile in an effortless mind day life is truly like it used to be...only better because I appreciate it about 1000x more and spend that day being grateful.

...Beulah...you are amazing. And such a light in the dark for the rest of us....I am so thankful that you are here... coop

[[Gr...]]

 

Mike,

 

I'm so glad you're feeling better, and having a good day with your son.  Funny, HH got sick a lot, too, in her last eight weeks, before she healed...

 

Yesterday was strange at best but much better than the day before.  Really bad again today.  Muscles are dead and sore, just wanna sleep.  No clue what's going on around me.  The funny thing is, the two positive things I have going for me are:  A really long stretch of bad days that might mean healing soon.....and I keep getting sick which might mean healing soon!  Laughable!

 

How are you doing today?

 

Good, better.  the M17 wave kicked my a$$, so I still haven't come back from that, physically, anyway.  like you very, very tired, sore muscles, would like to be taking a nap a lot of the day.  and then, on the other hand, I have a lot of clarity I didn't have before, flashes of feeling amazingly like me.  I'm not sure what to make of it. Like all of us, I'm shellshocked, wondering, what happens next?  We're close, it has to happen soon, but am I going to get hit with another major wave?  How many more?  I guess I'm in a holding pattern now, waiting?

 

I want to thank you for being such an inspiration earlier.  I was stuck to my couch, couldn't get out the door, even though I knew I had to, and your posts really went a long way toward getting me up and out