12-18 month support

[[Gr...]]

Hi friends,

 

I haven't been on the boards the last couple of weeks at the advice of my counselor and my wife.  Things have not been going well at all lately.  Little to no sleep and doing everything in my power to get through the day.  The reason I was told to stay off the boards was because I am placing to much hope on the fact this is all do to using the benzos.  I can't keep using this as an excuse according to them as it does me no good.  Well,  here I am in month 21 suffering worse than I can remember since using these darn things.  Again,  many of us ask the question is this the new us or still the affects of the drugs.  I certainly have done this the last couple of years and still don't know the answer to that one.  It drives me crazy and makes me feel like this is just who I am at this point.  I do not have many of the physical symptoms that others here experience.  Just the sleep and associated "blues" that come when it gets bad like it is now.

 

Sorry for being a downer but I am really having a difficult times at this point and can't relax my mind enough to allow sleep to come.  If I could do that I am certain I would be in a far better place.

 

But, Garton, what are your options if it's not withdrawal? That's my problem with the counselors.  I know we come off like psych patients, or blithering idiots or needy, or whining, or whatever, in a wave (I do, lol!)  but what solution are they offering out there in the world?

 

Isn't it true that regular, real depression has certain characteristics?  does the depression you have now fit that criteria?  does real depression come and go?  when you get a few good nights' sleep, does real depression evaporate?  Just asking.  because I'm guessing they want to put you on psych meds?  they're insinuating you have underlying psych issues, I guess?  That's what everyone tells me whenever I have a wave, whenever I get "needy," when I'm suffering in a wave, everybody says she looks like a nut, acts like a nut, so she must be a nut, and meds is the solution.

 

I just went through this.  You know, just thinking "it might be me" is a mental symptom we get in waves.  the best thing you can do for yourself is set a timeline that you're willing to wait before you tackle your "blues" from a different perspective than withdrawal.  As long as you're not a danger to self or others, what's the harm?

[[Co...]]

Hi Nova...omgoodness....6 months of snow...so so long. I would definitely be stir crazy. ...Thoughts on anxiety/benzos. We all know it eventually makes everything worse. I could be so off here, but I am afraid that the w/d itself is going to leave me with PTSD anxiety. I have experienced fears , panics , terrifying body sx and thoughts that I have never experienced before. My concern is that I won't be able to forget the w/d sx. They make the initial vertigo panic from hell look very doable. I say that because I know that initial incident would have had a clear beginning and end...much shorter than 17 months....Well that's my 2 cents..I am pretty sure that even if I heal from actual w/d sx inside of 24 months, it's going to take another year to shake the experience , even if I get my life back....Well, that was a ramble and I don't know if it made a wit of sense.

....So what are you making for dinner Nova?...I am making popcorn and oranges...lol...zip appetite today. Cascading anxiety, but the 4-7-8 breathing is helping. I had all the shaking etc for about 4 hours and it stopped...but then it came back after a 3 hour break...I am back to only feeling safe and calm on my bed...but I am ok with that because I know it's temporary...my dog however is not so ok with it..I stopped trying to figure out why it is getting me at 17 months out....it is what it is...

....Another day in the books....carry on....coop

[[ga...]]

Thanks for your reply Green.  You are dead on that I am not suffering true depression.  It has been called situational and we all know meds will not solve this kind of problem.  I'm lucky that no one wants to see me on meds again.  My problem is that I feel trapped at times thinking that if this is the real me feeling this way....what are my alternatives as how to handle the insomnia and associated anxiety and depression.  No meds so keep on breathing, relaxing, lying in bed without getting agitated and doing my best to get some rest if not true sleep.  This can be SOOOO very frustrating as I really want better.  There I go whining some more.  You'll have to pardon me in my bleary eyed state.

 

Thanks again for your perspective.  I just don't know what I should be waiting for to occur if I set a timeline.  This stuff has been so up and down for so long.  Just that now it is been down for longer than I can remember.

[[No...]]

Coop ... first and foremost we are all resilient ... and yes, there may be some fallout from this process ... that kind of goes with the territory for some of us ... and since we recognize the possibility it will probably self-correct with time ... and ... we will be in good shape to recognize any residual stuff and look after it ...

 

Take off your future telling hat and enjoy your popcorn and oranges ... 

[[Co...]]

Green, I have to agree with everything you said. What are my iptions...go back on and relive this nightmare for another 18 ..or more months?...Go on and off a plethora of drugs trying to find one that doesn't make it worse?  ..or keep recommit ting to this every single morning when I get up...with the hope that it's going to get better...and get real support from people who are going through exactly the same thing. ...I also have been told by medical professionals to stay off the forum...that would not work for me...this is where I find support, validation and the courage to keep it going...friends who come to my side when I am going totally off the rails.

....I ask myself the same question ...what do I have to lose by sticking with it. I am only speaking for myself. I am lucky to at least have a pdoc who, though not benzo wise, fully supports my need to get off this poison. I see him when I need to check out scary physical sx ...he totally respects my refusal of all psych drugs...though I will say he did try to get me to try buspar...it's not a benzo, but does have side effects.

....If I was ever going to reinstate it would have been in this last month long wave...and I didnt...thanks to the support here.  so I guess that da danger has been put to bed for good.

......How are you doing today Green?...coop

[[ga...]]

I really appreciate the input and support from all on this board.  You are helping me get through some of the most difficult days I have had in quite some time.  I really am hoping, trusting that things we'll turn around.  I am told to just change my attitude and things will improve.  Life is not that bad...it is just the perceptions and what if's that eat me alive.  I worry about stuff that hasn't yet occurred and may never.  I know why those close to me are so very frustrated with the way I am looking at life.  I know they want what's best for me and once sleep comes around it will improve.

[[Co...]]

Garton, I don't know if this is helpful to you...and it might not be...When I was in acute I could not sleep...sometimes still sleepless. It helped me to " not care " if I slept or not...I got up...fussed around...turned on lights...read a book if I could concentrate, did some 4am BB gab fests with Nova....anything  to turn my mind away from worrying about no sleep. I knew I could rest all day if I needed to. There have been nights in which I did not sleep at all....So having said all of that, I understand that I don't have years of chronic insomnia breathing down my neck ...and the only one here who suffers if I rest all of the next day is my dog....no spouse...no job etc....Just sharing a strategy...like all strategies it might not work for anyone else...it might not work for me the next time I try it...

...Thinking of you Garton...it's so hard and I hear the battle fatigue...coop

[[Co...]]

Okay Nova...you are right...the "seeing into the future hat " is off...putting on the going outside hoodie. .poor dog wants another walk...it will be good for both of us...how in the heck did I get back to the place of being afraid to take the dog out again ?....ok...it's only temporary.. here we go...coop

[[dr...]]

Just went into a mode pondering wether this is pre existing stuff.  All I know is we are all experiencing lots of things together that would be crazy if we weren't all having them. Head pressure, sinus stuff, crazy ass anxiety, heart palps, incredible fatigue, chest pains, stiff neck shoulders, eye problems, dizziness, etc...  I also know every time I made a cut during my taper it was horrific.  That tells me the drug has harmed my receptors and I still have a long way to go.  When I was on the meds and had some anxiety I popped another benzo which I don't do anymore.  I look at it as regardless of what précis ting condition I have I will have to be better than this. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. 

[[No...]]

Drew ... 

[[Co...]]

Drew, ...yep me too.  Giving up on trying to think through this.  Just trying to get through it. Seeing the doctor for follow up on eyes.  Lab is looking at my thyroid blood draw...so time to stop thinking about it. Green had a great bit of advice....set a time limit to re-evaluate and make it to that mile marker. I am in it to month 24 and will see what's what then...until then I am just back at it. The chicken and egg puzzle will drive my poor o/c mind to the brink...

.....I think you are doing really great Drew.. coop

[[dr...]]

That's my marker too.  My therapist and I both agreed on it. If at 24 months I don't see improvement I will worry about it then. I'm positive I will though.

[[be...]]

Hey you guys, I ended up going to the ER because I was getting sicker. I have bronchitis again..

I just had it back in the fall. What is going on?

It was so cold in there my teeth were chattering and my temp was 103...I was shivering so bad it looked like I was having a seizure my husband said.

I'm back on the nasty antibiotics for ten days, I hate these things.They wanted to give me a double antibiotic shot to speed things up...umm no, codeine cough syrup...umm no. Then they said what can we give you for the body pain?.....I will admit ...I was so tempted to take some strong pain meds because this body pain is so bad. The doc said " you look very uncomfortable..Will you consider a low dose vicodin?"  I told him some Tylenol would have to do .

I miss very badly being able to take meds when I need them for sickness.

My anxiety is high because I don't feel good and can do nothing about it.

I think I just want to rant...I'm tired of all of this and I want it to go away. I have cried all day long...that's what I do when when I'm sick....I hate those pity parties of one.

Yesterday was a better day till I got sicker!!!!

I keep telling myself I'll get thru this...and then the ugly monster shares his doubts.

 

Sorry for the rant...I just need some encouragement.

[[Co...]]

Oh, Beulah....sending so much love to you....you have my heart. You are so strong...When you feel up to it soak and soak in a really hot tub of lavender Epsome salts...Do you have an electric blanket...Vicks on your chest ...you are probably already doing those things...You so do not deserve this...Are you eating....Take such good care of yourself. .that stuff is nothing to fool around with...Can you take ibuprofen? ...in my experience it's better for body pain...actually you can alternate it every 6 hours with the tylenol....Excedrin is good pain relief too...but you can't take that coupled with anything else.  I feel so bad for you...I think you are right to take the antibiotic....you don't want pneumonia. ...Feel better Beulah.  I am thinking of you and sending prayers.  Love to you....coop

[[dr...]]

Beluh....glad you got that checked out. Bronchitis is no joke and it's not unusual for you to be susceptible to a reoccurrence.  The antibiotics will help greatly and please remember it's normal for other symptoms to flare while being sick. Sending healing thoughts and I thought I'd post this from someone who pm'd me a while back.

 

Just remember- you are indeed going through it, even though it might seem like you are standing still and stuck in it. it gets better. And its never ever linear, so you can't focus on the dips and bumps. It is what it is, and my way was different than others in my same timeframe, but in the end- everyone that started withdrawal with me is not still around benzo buddies still in the thick of it. You heal

[[ga...]]

Coop....I guess I am not so tired I don't remember your issue with what I thought was a floater.  How did it turn out?  You mention you're going for a follow up visit.  Hope it is just one of those things that many of us deal with as we age.

[[Gr...]]

Thanks for your reply Green.  You are dead on that I am not suffering true depression.  It has been called situational and we all know meds will not solve this kind of problem.  I'm lucky that no one wants to see me on meds again.  My problem is that I feel trapped at times thinking that if this is the real me feeling this way....what are my alternatives as how to handle the insomnia and associated anxiety and depression.  No meds so keep on breathing, relaxing, lying in bed without getting agitated and doing my best to get some rest if not true sleep.  This can be SOOOO very frustrating as I really want better.  There I go whining some more.  You'll have to pardon me in my bleary eyed state.

 

Thanks again for your perspective.  I just don't know what I should be waiting for to occur if I set a timeline.  This stuff has been so up and down for so long.  Just that now it is been down for longer than I can remember.

 

Gart, you're not whining.  sounds to me you get waves with mental symptoms.  because what you describe are my mental symptoms.  I also get alternating physical sx, and sometimes both together, which is very bad .  truth be told, the mental symptoms can be so crazy-making, make me want to sob in despair, make it stop, what's going on in my head, that they can be worse than the physical. it depends on the intensity.  mental symptoms can be God awful.  don't blow them off.  A lot of us on this thread have been brought to his/her knees by mental symptoms.

 

and what is situational depression?  depression that is the result of a situation?  like going through paws for almost two years?  

 

who's the crazy one?

[[Co...]]

Hi Garton...they just want to make sure that it doesn't develop  into a small tear...because I am old I am more susceptible to mean things like little tears in the viscose  ( gel fluid that covers the eye) .. also watching for macular degeneration...also a thing old people are at risk for. If the floaters don't change its all good. I am actually not worried about it...or going back. If there is a little tear they just laser it.  I don't think it hurts.  I will take a little atenolol in the morning before I go.. It's all good.  Like Drew said.. I am not going to think about it until Wed. .

.....Thanks Garton...I really hope you sleep tonight. ..coop

[[Gr...]]

Hi Nova...omgoodness....6 months of snow...so so long. I would definitely be stir crazy. ...Thoughts on anxiety/benzos. We all know it eventually makes everything worse. I could be so off here, but I am afraid that the w/d itself is going to leave me with PTSD anxiety. I have experienced fears , panics , terrifying body sx and thoughts that I have never experienced before. My concern is that I won't be able to forget the w/d sx. They make the initial vertigo panic from hell look very doable. I say that because I know that initial incident would have had a clear beginning and end...much shorter than 17 months....Well that's my 2 cents..I am pretty sure that even if I heal from actual w/d sx inside of 24 months, it's going to take another year to shake the experience , even if I get my life back....Well, that was a ramble and I don't know if it made a wit of sense.

....So what are you making for dinner Nova?...I am making popcorn and oranges...lol...zip appetite today. Cascading anxiety, but the 4-7-8 breathing is helping. I had all the shaking etc for about 4 hours and it stopped...but then it came back after a 3 hour break...I am back to only feeling safe and calm on my bed...but I am ok with that because I know it's temporary...my dog however is not so ok with it..I stopped trying to figure out why it is getting me at 17 months out....it is what it is...

....Another day in the books....carry on....coop

 

Coop, is the shaking new for you?

[[ga...]]

Good to hear Coop.  Sounds like it is what I have had the last couple of years.  The brain eventually tunes out the floater so you hardly notice it's there.  I am told that if I ever see flashes or a bunch of floaters all at once get to the specialist within 24 hours. 

 

Thanks for the well wishes tonight.  Great to have the support of others.  There are some nights I am better at keeping thoughts tempered down a bit.  I think Green said if you can downplay the importance of sleep it takes the pressure down.  I will work on that tonight and hope for better.  I am suppose to ply golf with friend in the afternoon and I vow to be there regardless of how I feel.

[[Gr...]]

Garton, I don't know if this is helpful to you...and it might not be...When I was in acute I could not sleep...sometimes still sleepless. It helped me to " not care " if I slept or not...I got up...fussed around...turned on lights...read a book if I could concentrate, did some 4am BB gab fests with Nova....anything  to turn my mind away from worrying about no sleep. I knew I could rest all day if I needed to. There have been nights in which I did not sleep at all....So having said all of that, I understand that I don't have years of chronic insomnia breathing down my neck ...and the only one here who suffers if I rest all of the next day is my dog....no spouse...no job etc....Just sharing a strategy...like all strategies it might not work for anyone else...it might not work for me the next time I try it...

...Thinking of you Garton...it's so hard and I hear the battle fatigue...coop

 

Gart, ditto what Coop said.  I haven't gotten to bed before 2;30, 3 a.m. since this started.  My regular bedtime is 4 a.m.  if I'm lucky I can fall asleep, maybe, until 10 or 11.  if I'm not, well, I'm up until 7 a.m. (that doesn't happen so much lately, only once in a while)  every time I think I'm getting better, getting into bed by 2, I get another insomnia wave and the cycle starts all over again.  Like Coop, I had to get over the anxiety of not sleeping and just deal with it as best I could. I'm totally nocturnal, up half the night.  I still sleep with the light on my thoughts get too crazy scary in the dark.  go figure.  I slept in total darkness my whole life.  until now.  I'm pretty sure this will get better over time.  If I had to sleep with a spouse, I would have been divorced.  Can't help you with that one.  But you're not alone, a lot of people have this, and I believe it's from withdrawal and will go away.

[[Co...]]

Green...yes...actually the trembling and shaking is new. I can't remember if I had it in acute..This chemical anxiety is like that early morning cortisol surge I used to get ..except it gets me after I have been up awhile and packs a panic with it. I had something like this in month 6....sheer chemical anxiety...jitters...crawl out of your skin feeling ...have to keep moving...When I had it in month 6 it lasted for a month . It cycles through the day...and I am freezing all the time.. I know it's w/d.  I don't think anything else would come and go...death is pretty definite...lol ....Yesterday it lifted in the afternoon and didn't come back until today in the late morning.... I love your advice.  Just go with things until a set mile marker and re-evaluate at that point. ...How about you.  Are you getting shakes too?....It's such crap that it's so hard so far out when we are completely battle fatigued. ...Then I read Beulah's post and decided I really have nothing to complain about ......coop

[[Gr...]]

Oh, Beulah....sending so much love to you....you have my heart. You are so strong...When you feel up to it soak and soak in a really hot tub of lavender Epsome salts...Do you have an electric blanket...Vicks on your chest ...you are probably already doing those things...You so do not deserve this...Are you eating....Take such good care of yourself. .that stuff is nothing to fool around with...Can you take ibuprofen? ...in my experience it's better for body pain...actually you can alternate it every 6 hours with the tylenol....Excedrin is good pain relief too...but you can't take that coupled with anything else.  I feel so bad for you...I think you are right to take the antibiotic....you don't want pneumonia. ...Feel better Beulah.  I am thinking of you and sending prayers.  Love to you....coop

 

Beulah, feel better, buddy.  And I think you were very wise to forego all of the 'offers' for meds.  still, it's so hard to be so sick, especially since you haven't been well for so long.  feel better. 

 

Coop, your virtual fussing over a sick buddy is better than what I've experienced in real life.  You made me feel better!

[[Co...]]

Green...lol.  I do fuss ..my kids hate it.. but I just love  Beulah and she was just starting to get some respite from w/d...I hate it that any of us have to suffer at all...One more leg of this race...we can do it....coop

[[Gr...]]

Green...yes...actually the trembling and shaking is new. I can't remember if I had it in acute..This chemical anxiety is like that early morning cortisol surge I used to get ..except it gets me after I have been up awhile and packs a panic with it. I had something like this in month 6....sheer chemical anxiety...jitters...crawl out of your skin feeling ...have to keep moving...When I had it in month 6 it lasted for a month . It cycles through the day...and I am freezing all the time.. I know it's w/d.  I don't think anything else would come and go...death is pretty definite...lol ....Yesterday it lifted in the afternoon and didn't come back until today in the late morning.... I love your advice.  Just go with things until a set mile marker and re-evaluate at that point. ...How about you.  Are you getting shakes too?....It's such crap that it's so hard so far out when we are completely battle fatigued. ...Then I read Beulah's post and decided I really have nothing to complain about ......coop

 

Coop, I asked b/c Baylissa's book is fresh in my mind and she described that same shaking and having to go to bed in her late stage waves.  and the improvement in clarity at the same time.  but still feeling so unwell.  that weird feeling better and feeling worse at the same time?  we've talked about it before here.  except she healed after that, she wrote her success story 

 

I don't have the anxiety-revving-cortisol type stuff (thank God!)  right now I have general malaise, mild nausea, big benzo belly, no matter how little I eat, it just pops, and it feels very big and uncomfortable, like being pregnant, nasty headaches, the sinus pressure, body stiffness and aching.  And I'm on the couch, seems to be my preferred seating, but laying down.  very little energy.

 

so let's see what happens next.  never a dull moment.