End of Holidays coinsiding with taper

[[Sh...]]

I have forced, and faked my way through Thanksgiving and Christmas. My family thinks I'm making great progress...but I am soooo sad inside. I had a few laughs watching my youngest grandaughter open gifts at xmas (paper, tape and bows were her favorite presents)...but inside I'm screaming "let me out of here". Even if I 'get out"... I'm stuck with the sadness. I stopped taking Lexapro cold turkey and had horrible w/d for a little over 2 weeks. I stopped because Lexapro was making my restless leg syndrome worse...and I would never be able to sleep during a taper from klonopin if I had to deal with that! But now that I'm about to make a major jump (at least , for me)totally off klonopin and cross over to valium for the rest of the taper...I can't figure out if the sadness is part of the w/d or the holiday season. Should I expect to be depressed as a w/d symptom...or is this me?

[[Ro...]]

Sharon - I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time. The holidays in general are hard, but it seems even harder with tapering. I used to love the holiday season................... if it got to rough for me, pdocs just upped my klonocrap. Honestly, I'm glad it's over for another year.

[[Pa...]]

Gosh Sharon, when did you quit the Lexepro?  I tried to go off of it when I was in withdrawals and the depression was scary.  I went back on and things lightened up quite a bit.  You've got three issues going on here, one you're off of your A/D and the other Valium, which is known to cause depression, plus benzo depression is very common, we talk about it here a lot.  Yes, the holidays can be tough but I feel what you're living with is the result of the benzo withdrawal.  I know you feel fake, I did too.  You can't feel any joy so even to laugh feels strange and forced. 

 

Try not to think this will be permanent because it won't.  When you're free from the drug and the symptoms, this part of them will leave you.

[[st...]]

Sharon,

 

Sorry you are sad - its understandable following a CT from an SSRI.  Don't assume that the last stage of your benzo taper will cause depression.  Its a possibility, but everyone is different and its difficult to predict.  During my first taper completely off of klonopin I experienced a big lift in my mood during the last few months.  Near manic.  Whether it was my personal body chemistry or the psychological boost of knowing I was almost done I don't know.  The process you are going through is a hopeful one.  You hope to be better in the end and you will.  Stay hopeful. 

[[pa...]]

Sharon,

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles and hope this finds you feeling some better.  I had a panic attack try and rear it's ugly head when the family was here, but was able to step outside where it was very cold and calm down.  For me they leave some depression in their wake.  

 

I don't think I could be doing the Klonopin taper if I had went of my anti-depressant first.  In fact, my doc does not advise it for me.  Her guiding principle seems to be "one thing at a time, and slowly.  I think Pamster's reply was awe insprining in sorting out that you have many things going on at once.

 

Steve, I've also found cutting the Klonopin to actually improve my mood and sense of well being.  A very welcome "side effect".

[[Be...]]

I have forced, and faked my way through Thanksgiving and Christmas. My family thinks I'm making great progress...but I am soooo sad inside. I had a few laughs watching my youngest grandaughter open gifts at xmas (paper, tape and bows were her favorite presents)...but inside I'm screaming "let me out of here". Even if I 'get out"... I'm stuck with the sadness. I stopped taking Lexapro cold turkey and had horrible w/d for a little over 2 weeks. I stopped because Lexapro was making my restless leg syndrome worse...and I would never be able to sleep during a taper from klonopin if I had to deal with that! But now that I'm about to make a major jump (at least , for me)totally off klonopin and cross over to valium for the rest of the taper...I can't figure out if the sadness is part of the w/d or the holiday season. Should I expect to be depressed as a w/d symptom...or is this me?

 

I have to pipe in with a little concern about you going on valium if you are already depressed.  Over and over again we see people develop depression when they try to switch to valium.  I don't know why it should be more of a depressant than other benzos but it seems that way for some people.  You may still want to try it, but just be aware that the valium may make depression worse.

 

I was also less depressed when I got about half-way through my taper from lorazepam.  I actually joined BB because I was scheduled for ECT treatment for depression and needed to stop taking lorazepam and ambien to get the shock treatments. When I read that depression was a common side effect of the benzos, I decided to put off the ECT and get off lorazepam instead.  One of the best decisions I ever made. 

[Guest [Ju...]]

Sharon-

 

I know that taper's are individual to all of us and that each benzo brings along it's own set of "issues". The holidays also bring about a set of "issues" & "expectations". You will get so many different suggestions, advise and stories about one's personal taper process and their s/x's; all different.

 

I did a direct crossover from Xanax to Valium on 9/25/09, was on Xanax daily for 6 years, doses ranging from .5mg -3mg...I never had a set dose and or a set time. The short half life of Xanax I can compare to a seesaw...Up & Down..Up & Down...I personally could not taper off it...there was not way for me to do this and still maintain my many obligations in life.

 

The C/O to Valium worked for me and I stabilized at 20mg's, 10mg am & 10 mg pm...now I am dosing once a day and making a cut to 11mg's.....this has not been easy but also not terrible. Have I suffered some depression? Yes, and quite frankly, it is to be expected during a taper and I wasn't feeling any better on Xanax, actually worse. If it rear's it's ugly head, I know what it is and make it's friend...cry when I need to and vent about it

 

For me, doing a C/O was a must as it accomplished a few things for me:

 

1- allowed for an even, steady feeling..one I never had with Xanax

2- eventually allowed me to feel comfortable enough to dose once daily due to it's long half life..this is huge for me

3- no interdose w/d symptoms

4- psychologically, I got rid of my BFF (Xanax)....another huge hurdle removed

5- is allowing for an easier taper....not w/o it's set of issues...just more level

 

I had recently contemplated switching back to Xanax to finish the taper b/c of the depressed feeling I was having....I weighed by Pros & Cons and decided to continue from where I am at, knowing that I can tweak and/or change my mind at anytime...there is nothing set in stone.

 

I guess my point is, you make a decision for yourself based on what you feel will be the best one. If for some reason it doesn't work, there are adjustments and options. The taper is not linear, flexibility is a must and accepting that it will take time are what will help us all get through.

 

Sorry for such a long winding post... and I am sending good thoughts, strength and support to you.

 

Just Breathe

[[Gm...]]

I have cried all through this taper and found depression a hurdle that seems to come when I think (too much) about what I have been through and what I am going through. Depression is a normal thing to feel and best defense I found was to angrily yell at myself for not being in control of my feelings. I take the time to look in the mirror and find/yell at myself. It takes me about 2 minutes to change my train of thought and lasts a long time.

 

Also,

 

Your not alone as far as Christmas went. I too faked the whole thing. Look forward to your true self waiting at the finish line. That will be the greatest reward one can ask for. 

[[Sh...]]

Thanks GMAN, I have only been told to be nice and gentle with myself...this is a whole different approach. Whatever works. I had a decent day today...so I think the holiday chaos did a number on me...and I'm able to see beyond it now. I'm trying not to focus on the past and what I've been through. Occasionally I remind myself how far I've come from 2 months ago, though.

Sharon

[[Pa...]]

Yelling for me just makes me feel worse, whether I'm in benzo withdrawals or not.  It upsets me to do it or to hear anyone else do it. 

 

 

[[Ro...]]

Yelling for me just makes me feel worse, whether I'm in benzo withdrawals or not.  It upsets me to do it or to hear anyone else do it.   

 

 

 

Me too, but my husband and my daughter do it constantly.

[[Gm...]]

I guess its my way to spring back in a matter of minutes. Working in a service industry,and having to talk to customers all day long is really tough with all these symptoms. I wish I didn't have to work, or deal with people during this.  Sometimes I go from full blown panic attack, slurred speech, sweating, etc.. to Mr. Happy Heating/AC guy in a matter of 5 minutes. In other words, take your worst day and stick yourself in front of 5 people wanting to know why something is not working, not to mention trying to figure out electrical schematics during a panic attack in 10 degree weather.

 

I don't think it works for everybody and I think everyone has to find their own way to change their thought process. I am a pure example that it is possible to mush the WD symptoms. My tactic might be extreme, but using some of the tools the therapist taught me, that the mind cannot focus on two things at the same time.

 

A trick that helped me from snapping out of focusing on my heart stopping again was to wear a rubber band on my wrist. Once I started panicking and feeling for my pulse, I would snap the rubber band on my wrist as hard as I can. The little bit of pain on the inside of my wrist  made me focus on the wrist and not on my heart beat, or the false tightening of my chest.

 

I did learn some calming tactics like looking at something and studying it. Make your mind be very descriptive on what you are looking at and you forget about the attack coming on. Another was the 4 count breathing tactic you do during the attack so you cut oxygen to the brain and you focus on slow counting which also changes your train of thought.

 

Sometimes I am allotted the time to do these other methods, but in a pinch, none worked for me other than changing my scared thought to a angry thought (getting mad at my GAD, not myself), and my attitude meets itself in the middle with a calm happy Heating/AC guy that knows why you have no heat in a matter of minutes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[Pa...]]

Hi Gman,

 

It looks like you've found something that works for you, I'm glad.  You're right, it would be hard to do what you do.  When I was feeling bad, the only thing I had to do was sit in my cube, sometimes I put earplugs in to keep people out.  Guess you don't have that luxury. 

 

Pam