Broke down today

[[...]]

For those of you who don't know my story, here it is:

 

 

 

7 months ago my wife and I had a big argument and she demanded a divorce on the spot.  this is after being together for 20 years.  She was my first girlfriend.  We basically haven't spend a day apart since the day we met.  What she did put me in so much shock that a week later I went into Er asking for help and the next morning they sent me to a suicided depression center.  I was kept there for 90 hours and they finally let me out since I didn't display any harmful behavior to myself or others.  That is the place where I got my first taste of Ativan.

 

On returning home my wife became a totally different person.  She was going out shopping all the time and started smoking and acting so happy while my life was basically destroyed.  I spent the next few weeks lying in bed depressed and crying, unable  to eat or sleep.  I didn't want to leave the house and called in sick to work so many times that they wound up letting me go.  I didn't care anymore.

 

A few weeks later I woke up with a massive blood clot (DVT) in my left leg and and further more multiple clots in my lungs(PE).  Was rushed to ER where I spent 2 week in ICU. The the docs there said that if I had even waited a few more hours I would probably be dead.

 

While there, hey pumped tons of Ativan in me to help me sleep and calm down.  They basically give it to you whenever you asked for it.  I was getting anywhere from .5 mg to 3mg every few hours depending on the shift nurse.  after getting out of the hospital I became and Ativan addict.  I didn't sleep for a week after getting out and didn't understand why.

 

This morning I woke up and started to cry and haven't stopped since.  I have no friends and no family to talk to.  I have never felt this utterly depressed or alone.

[[el...]]

I'm sorry Karl.

 

I remember those days all too well. I felt so alone and was in a depression. Breaking down in tears is natural and normal.  You have been through so much. I'm truly sorry for your losses.

 

But part of these feelings can be part of withdrawal. I think what would be most important and beneficial for you at this time, if you aren't already, is to see a therapist. You need someone professional to talk to. 

 

And you can always come here and 'talk' to us. 

 

 

   

[[Ro...]]

I'm so sorry Karl.

[[...]]

Thank you guys.  With everything that has happened to me and now this Ativan withdrawal I just feel like I want to be in a coma and have my body go through it without my mind.  I feel like somekind of criminal heroin addict but then these drugs were prescribed to me by a doctor.  I am not suicidal but right now I don't feel alive not do I feel like trying.

[[Ro...]]

Karl, is it possible for you to talk to a therapist or a leader of a religious orgainization of your choice or someone along those lines?

[[...]]

I could but I think I better get through my tapering first.  I am just too unstable right now.

[[Ro...]]

I could but I think I better get through my tapering first.  I am just too unstable right now.

 

I know journaling seems to help me. Old movies are great too. Even though I'm not too much into TV, some of the old sitcoms are not too mentally challenging and they seem to help a lot.

[[pa...]]

Karl,

 

My heart in on the ground.  I'm so sorry life threw you such a wicked curve ball and you never saw it coming.  I also encourage you to talk to someone.  Believe it or not when you do find the courage to, even if you do fall apart and cry, you are also releasing a pressure valve.  When you share, you give some of the burden away.  Please keep in mind you don't have to be a certain level of "stable" to do it.  It's just difficult to take that first step of sharing personal pain with another person.

 

Like Roberta, I'm also a journal person.  I find my memory is horrible when I'm depressed or anxious.  Imagine I'm sending you a handful of bright gold chips.  They are your "chips in".  Good things for you to hold on to.  (If you are ever bored out of your mind, I'll tell you my chips in/chips out story for handling panic).

 

My best,

 

Debbie

[[...]]

Today I didn't cry as much but the depression was much sharper.  Twice I felt so violently depressed that I had go to the book store just to be around human life.  Tried to look at a few books but the words just fell off my face. 

 

Went to the store and bought St. John's Wort.  Hope it can lessen the severity of this depression.

[[tr...]]

 

Hi Karl,

 

I'm so sorry. The kind of betrayal you've had is crushing, it's no wonder you are depressed. Not long after I came here a member recommended a book to me that changed my life, not only with benzo recovery ( I ct'ed) but in many areas.  It's the "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle.  It's not a fast read but it's life changing. I hope you can find some way to get some relief from it all, even if it's a short period of time. 

 

TS

[[...]]

I will look for it tomorrow atthe books store.  Thank you.

[[...]]

tropicalsoul,

 

I bought the book today and have read about 35 pages.  It is really insightful eventhough it scared me a bit to read it.  It's painful to let things go.  I always identified myself as being with my wife and never as something other.

[[...]]

Been taking St. John's Wort for the last 2 days and it seems to be helping.  My depression has become less sharp and I feel less anxiety and calmer.  But it could also be because I have been crying so much the last few days.

[[Pa...]]

Hi Karl,

 

Somehow you're surviving each day.  Many of us know the pain you're living and even though it seems like you won't be able to face another day, somehow you do.  Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, time is the only thing that really heals what hurts, I'm so sorry you're living this.

 

Pam

[[ro...]]

karl,

I am sorry for all that has happened to you. When you are up to it maybe start going to a local coffee spot every day same time. There are usually regulars there  that will welcome you into their group. Lots of retired guys all looking for friends, You have to realize allot of people are just so alone and its important to make connections.

You will be able to get off the drugs with help from here and slowly rebuild your life. It had to be so hard to go through all you have and proves how strong you are. I'll be praying for you.

[[tr...]]

tropicalsoul,

 

I bought the book today and have read about 35 pages.  It is really insightful eventhough it scared me a bit to read it.  It's painful to let things go.  I always identified myself as being with my wife and never as something other.

 

You've had a horrible shock, a death so to speak, some people say it's worse than losing someone to death, and you will go through a grieving process all the same. You're right, it's very painful to let things go but often we are not given a choice so we must endure the best we can. You will get through this, keeping reading and working on acceptance in your life.

 

TS

[[sp...]]

Just come in on the tail end of your story Karl and wanted to let you know that you have had a double whammy - the horrendous depression of benzo w/d and also depression from your life situation.  All I can say is that we just have to keep going, one foot in front of the other, doing whatever we can to get through it until it improves.  Ive had postnatal depression and terrible depression on and off the benzos, but now (27mths off benzos) I have huge periods without that horrible depression.  It is important you have someone to talk to on the real low days - I used to call counsellors on the phone at lifeline/TRANX(benzo recovery org here in NZ) - they all got me through a hard day.

Journalling can also help as stated here and being on here got me through many a rough day.  Distraction is important to - just do anything that takes your mind off things for a bit.

Just know that you are not alone - praying for you

Spring

[[...]]

Dear Karl:

 

I am so sorry to hear that things are so dreadful for you right now.  Are anti-depressants and option for you?  Some people can't take them during wd (I couldn't) but some folks report that they help.

 

ntw

[[...]]

I don't know if that would be an option.  I just don't want anymore drugs.  I tried paxil many many years ago and it just made me feel very numb and indifferent and it took away all my libido. 

[Guest [Ju...]]

I don't know if that would be an option.  I just don't want anymore drugs.  I tried paxil many many years ago and it just made me feel very numb and indifferent and it took away all my libido. 

 

Hi Karl-

 

I don't think an A/D, IMO, is the answer to a broken heart...time is, it will heal it. We have all been there, not a great place but a great learning experience in a way....we learn that our hearts heal and that there is love for others when ready. Wishing you the best.

 

Just Breathe

[[...]]

I don't know which is worse depression or anxiety but it doesn't matter since I have them both right now.this divorce is so crushing.  She is my and only girlfriend when we met and withing 2 month we were living together.  I had just turned 18 and before that I lived at home with my parents.  that was 19 years ago.  I have never been alone in my life and have no idea how to live like so.  there are many thing I want to say but just too choked up to ype them out.  I am in tears right now.  please help.

[[Pa...]]

Hi Karl,

 

Try to survive your heartbreak one minute at a time.  Try not to think about the life you had or the life looming in front of you without her.  The way I've gotten through the painful times is to just whiteknuckle through one minute at a time. 

 

Pam

[[Li...]]

Hi Karl,

 

it´s a horror, I know, I´ve been through it so many times. Thinking that something is "forever" and yet having to find out that nothing in life is ever "sure". My heart goes out to you.

 

Lizzie

[[Ro...]]

Hi Karl, just checking to see how you're doing?