Eastcoast's Trip

[[Bi...]]

 

 

In Nursing school, we were told that benzo withdrawal could last up to 4 weeks and the danger was seizures. Never once did I hear that this is far, far from the truth. So, I continued to take my benzos almost every night.

 

eastcoast62 (Annie)

 

And those are the same people teaching our doctors.  The whole medical fraternity is a scary world.

Last month my Mom had to have a piece of meat removed from her throat that got lodged during dinner.

 

They damaged vocal cords with the arthroscope and she sounds horrible still.  The worst part is they refused to give her ANY of her daily pills including her beta blocker!!!  Her BP was 198/125 !

 

She also takes 30mg Oxycoden for back pain.  They C/T'd her!!!!!  Also they refused to give her her PAXIL!!!  She was completely Psychotic when we pulled her out of there by force.  THEY ARE BEING SUED NOW!!!!

 

Glad your feeling better Easty:

 

Love Lisa 

 

[[ea...]]

 

 

And those are the same people teaching our doctors.  The whole medical fraternity is a scary world.

last month my Mom had to have a piece of meat removed from her throat.

 

They damaged vocal cords with the arthroscope and see sounds Honorable still.  The worst part is they refused to give her ANY of your daily pills including her beta blocker!!!  Her BP was 198/125 !

 

She also takes 30mg Oxycoden for back pain.  They C/T'd her!!!!!  Also they refused to give her her PAXIL!!!  She was completely Psychotic when we pulled out of there by force.  THEY ARE BEING SUED NOW!!!!

 

Glad your feeling better Easty:

 

Love Lisa 

 

 

Oh dear, Lisa! Her story sort of sounds like mine. Every time I went in patient my PMD stopped all of my psych drugs. And every single time I went into WD although at the time, I did know that was what it was. Panic, panic, fear, couldn't eat.....

Not giving her her BP meds is awful. Did they explain why??? Are you her legal guardian? If not, perhaps you need to become one. How old is your Mother??? If you live in the USA, becoming her medical guardian is fairly easy. I have forgotten the steps but your own doctor can tell you. That will give you the absolute right to control her care,no matter what a doctor says.

 

You have to protect her from future issues like this and becoming her medical surrogate is one way.

 

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. Holy moly, what a mess. Try to take a few steps back, relax even a bit. You cannot change what has happened, but you might be able to change what happens in the future. Don't give up. And do NOT let all of this affect you so much that you are tempted to reach for a damn pill.

Love you, friend.

Let me know what happens.

Annie

[[ea...]]

 

This gives me some hope in my dark days. 31 months out and still suffering greatly totally bedridden, not able to work or do things.

I’m a short time user and never had anxiety or depression before benzo. I got it for sleep problems in peri menapouse. Im off remeron 12 months now and not taking any medication or supplements still suffering 24/7.

Your post give me some hope we all will heal, even my broken brain telling me different.

Can I ask you, did you had head symptoms and how long it last?

That’s my worst symptoms and loosing hope I ever will feel norms in my head.

Thank you

Vica

 

 

Vica,

I can give you a LOT of hope. My worst symptomsd were mental. Overwhelming fear and total terror that did not stop at all for over a year. Panic attacks. Other head synmptoms too numerous to list.

 

Some people are just super sensitive to benzos, and when they get offg benzos, will have simply terrible WD symptoms.

 

Your saying "your broken brain" touches me deeply. Yes. Your brain is TEMPORARILY broken. NOT permanently. Iknow you are terrified you wont heal. Most of us feel like that.

The human brain is very complex and no one knows everything about it...yet. Benzos work on your brain and on all the gaba receptors in your body. The brain has the most, the GI Tract the second most, from what I have learned. When you go off benzos either by a taper or CT as I did, the brain OVER-reacts, as if in a frenzy. All the normal chemicals are messed up and want to right themselves. There is one small part of your brain that benzos work on the most. The amygdala. That tiny part controls fear, anxiety. Benzos numb that tiny part of your brain. And when you stop taking benzos, that tiny part becomes a bit crazy for a while.

Benzo withdrawal truly is the healing of your injured brain. It is NOT permanent damage. Temporary. But it sure can feel so bad you THINK it is permanent brain damage.

Allof the gaba receptors in your body have to heal. This takes time.

What I found was I had to just keep going foreward. I knew if I went back on benzos I would die. I just knew that somehow. I was that far gone, my friend. I just kept going, praying that what I read here on BB was true.

Turned out to be TRULY TRUE. VERY true! I am now fully healed. Yes it took me a long time but it has beebn well worth the struggle.

Donot give up. Any time you feel yourself faltering, send me a PM.

east

 

[[ea...]]

I truly believe that some people are just born "ready" to become addicted. I have been addicted to several things. 1968: injected meth. That only lasted a couple months and getting Hep B cured me of that stupid addiction.

Cigarettes, my longest addiction. Alcohol: on and off for what? 40 years now?(Good GOD!) Benzo, 3o years. Food: most of my life until I had weight loss surgery. THAT addiction has been permanently cured, I think since my stomach now only holds 1.5 ounces.

 

I am facing health issues from all of my addictions now that I am almost 69. Polycythemia is serious. It probably wont kills me but it could. From what I have learned alcohol and smoking has cased this. I found a good friend here who has the same thing. What a nice relief. I plan to reach out on other forums for this problem.

 

I have only had one cigarette today. I vaped. Not one of those huge vape things that puts out a huge cloud of vapors. Its a small device. I did my research on it this week. Generally considered much safer than smoking tobacco. I will stick with it. Yes, I will still be addicted to nicotine. That can be dealt with in time. Right now I just have to get over my habitual cigarette smoking...it is a ritual, as you smokers know. You light up at certain times. After eating. On the phone. In the car. On and on. I am trying right now to break all of those habits. It isn't easy!!!! Wish I did not have to go through this!

For all of you out there who still smoke and drink....think about what I am going through now. Do you want to risk going through the same things??? This shit is not fun, excuse my language!

 

Mr Bear is asleep on the other chair, my faithful, devoted companion. There is something just so wonderfully loveable about this cat. Those huge yellow eyes. The soft pointed chin. The M between his big eyes. Those enormous paws that CAN scratch, but can also gently tap me when necessary. I just love Jackie Bear. He is one hunk of a cat.

[[ea...]]

Oh this is weird. I just fed a stray cat outside. Came in and Bear is almost hyperventilating, sniffing everything. Weird. I actually just washed my hands, hoping to calm him down. Cats are so more complex than we stupid humans think. They know stuff we do not.

[[Ma...]]

 

 

In Nursing school, we were told that benzo withdrawal could last up to 4 weeks and the danger was seizures. Never once did I hear that this is far, far from the truth. So, I continued to take my benzos almost every night.

 

eastcoast62 (Annie)

 

And those are the same people teaching our doctors.  The whole medical fraternity is a scary world.

last month my Mom had to have a piece of meat removed from her throat.

 

They damaged vocal cords with the arthroscope and see sounds Honorable still.  The worst part is they refused to give her ANY of your daily pills including her beta blocker!!!  Her BP was 198/125 !

 

She also takes 30mg Oxycoden for back pain.  They C/T'd her!!!!!  Also they refused to give her her PAXIL!!!  She was completely Psychotic when we pulled out of there by force.  THEY ARE BEING SUED NOW!!!!

 

Glad your feeling better Easty:

 

Love Lisa 

 

Oh Lisa, that is so horrible.  I am so sorry for you and your mom.  Unbelievable......Mary ☮️💜🙏☮️💜🙏

[[me...]]

Oh this is weird. I just fed a stray cat outside. Came in and Bear is almost hyperventilating, sniffing everything. Weird. I actually just washed my hands, hoping to calm him down. Cats are so more complex than we stupid humans think. They know stuff we do not.

 

Annie,

 

Cats have a sense of smell far better than humans, though not quite as good as dogs.  He smells the other c at on you, and feels that his territory is threatened. 

 

I also fed a neighbor cat today, a thin, wild looking tortie.  Its been bitterly cold here, and she was waiting on my doorstep.  They shouldnt put her out in weather like this, poor thing.

[[Bi...]]

 

 

And those are the same people teaching our doctors.  The whole medical fraternity is a scary world.

last month my Mom had to have a piece of meat removed from her throat.

 

They damaged vocal cords with the arthroscope and see sounds Honorable still.  The worst part is they refused to give her ANY of your daily pills including her beta blocker!!!  Her BP was 198/125 !

 

She also takes 30mg Oxycoden for back pain.  They C/T'd her!!!!!  Also they refused to give her her PAXIL!!!  She was completely Psychotic when we pulled out of there by force.  THEY ARE BEING SUED NOW!!!!

 

Glad your feeling better Easty:

 

Love Lisa 

 

 

Oh dear, Lisa! Her story sort of sounds like mine. Every time I went in patient my PMD stopped all of my psych drugs. And every single time I went into WD although at the time, I did know that was what it was. Panic, panic, fear, couldn't eat.....

Not giving her her BP meds is awful. Did they explain why??? Are you her legal guardian? If not, perhaps you need to become one. How old is your Mother??? If you live in the USA, becoming her medical guardian is fairly easy. I have forgotten the steps but your own doctor can tell you. That will give you the absolute right to control her care,no matter what a doctor says.

 

You have to protect her from future issues like this and becoming her medical surrogate is one way.

 

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. Holy moly, what a mess. Try to take a few steps back, relax even a bit. You cannot change what has happened, but you might be able to change what happens in the future. Don't give up. And do NOT let all of this affect you so much that you are tempted to reach for a damn pill.

Love you, friend.

Let me know what happens.

Annie

 

My Mom is 83.

I never thought about becoming her becoming medical surrogate legally but that's a darn GREAT idea actually!  Thank you so much!  I downloaded the forms and will meet with my lawyer next Wednesday and make it so!  Thanks again for that idea, I never would have thought of it.

 

I hope you keep healing Annie.

Big Hugs, Lisa

[Guest [NM...]]

Fantastic, Annie, on the cigarettes!! Congratulations. February 6 th was 4 months since I quit. I didn’t start smoking til I was 22, after my brother in law sexually assaulted me. I quit both times I was pregnant, quit for 4 years in 1994, started back in 1998, quit again in 2012, started back in 2016... cigarettes and I have had a complicated relationship. Sigh. I pray I never choose to smoke again. I’m 57 and this is something I need to stay away from for the rest of my life. Cigarettes and numbing my pain/anxiety with drugs.

[[...]]

Honestly, I haven't been diligently following all the posts here, East, but it appears in my "New Replies" so every now and again I'll click and skim.  So it's not any musings in particular that bothered me, it's really the concept of a success story morphing into a personal blog which doesn't seem appropriate to me.  That's all.  Not personal.

 

Actually, there was one of your musings which interested me and I very much wanted to join in the discussion, but just too darn compromised to execute.

 

 

Write me a Personal Message. I would be more than happy to chat with you about anything intensely private....IN Private. One is never to compromised to attempt to work on stuff like this. I finally realized that EVERYONE has secrets. No one goes untouched by hurts and let downs. It is how we handle them that matters.

 

Let me know privately and  we can go from there.

east

 

Nothing private or secretive, lol, sorry to disappoint.  Matter of fact, coincidentally, you've just brought it up again.  Here, this is the musing that caught my attention because I actually think it's a very interesting topic (although a bit touchy for some) with an important takeaway:

 

 

No matter what, I believe that everyone does heal from this mess. I know you have read some scary posts out there from people who have been off benzos for several years and claim to have terrible protracted symptoms. From my experience here and elsewhere online, I strongly feel that some of those people may have other psychiatric issues. Plus they may be on drugs they are not admitting too, legal or illegal. Read everything with a grain of salt. Most of all: IF you are reading something that scares you or upsets you, click OFF immediately. Your inner voice knows what is best for you now.

 

 

My musings in response to your musings.  In brief because, yes, I actually am super physically compromised.  If I could write and articulate it the way I'd like to, I'd be out playing in the world, not sitting here on BB.

 

So actually, I happen to agree with you, but only in part.  It's far more involved than the two scenarios you cite, i.e.:

 

*  "some members possibly not disclosing the use of other drugs" and/or

*  "other psychiatric issues at play"

 

When discussing a syndrome such as this with its vast array of possible symptoms - most of which mimic and overlap multiple other illnesses/conditions - and then we add in that little detail of the human element, all of us with our own strengths and weaknesses, quirks and foibles - well, this becomes a very complicated subject fraught with various layers, dimensions, dotted lines, and continual moving parts.  And thus, I could come up with a couple dozen different theories as to why I feel certain people "have been off benzos for several years and claim to have terrible protracted symptoms".  But also, there are other cases that could be analyzed till the cows come home and still we'd come up empty handed, it appears to be simply just the (un)luck of the draw. 

 

You, yourself, claim to still have a couple residual protracted symptoms which you're able to just shrug off, right?  So let me ask you, why is that, do you think?  Are you presently taking any legal/illegal drugs and/or do you have any psychiatric issues you're not disclosing?  Or, perhaps, your theory only applies to those whose protracted left-overs are something "terrible" like 24/7 dizziness, or intense physical pain, say?  No need to really answer, lol, I'm just trying to illustrate a point.  There is no rule book for recovery, unfortunately, it's a highly, highly personal and individual process. 

 

Actually, one of my main theories is the tendency to blame benzo withdrawal for everything.  You name it, no questions asked, it's withdrawal.  And this applies to members across the board, not only the protracted.  Some of the stuff I read is just plain and simple nuts, the stuff of sitcoms.

 

So I guess, in closing, from my experience here, my takeaway is similar to yours in that nobody should ever take everything they read at face value.  It's so important for people to keep things in perspective, keep those critical thinking caps on at all times and stay grounded!!!  Even me, my own story as a "protracted", (I've detailed it elsewhere on BB), I could just as easily be a horror story as I could be a one year success story.  My circumstances are not cut and dry at all and I can build a case for either scenario.  Take my story with a grain of salt too.  We all need to be careful not to make anyone else's story our own.  We all need to walk our own walk and pen our own individual stories.

 

That's it, that's my musings.  Congrats on the ciggies from me too, great job!

 

 

[[ea...]]

Really nice, thoughtful reply to our mutual musings.

To answer your questions: No I do not use any drugs, except for hypertension meds. I also take an 81 mg aspirin every day. NO illegal drugs. I do drink some wine. NOT something I am proud of and something I plan to stop quite soon. Over my 68 years I have abused alcohol several times. Currently am drinking what should be called a moderate amount, but I am not happy that I drink at all!

I agree with you. The tendency to blame everything on WD is rampant on sites like this. And I completely understand this! Benzo WD can be so horrendous, you do tend to start thinking that EVERYTHING bad is due to BWD. I think that's a normal reaction to a traumatic incident.

My two remaining symptoms....they are quite minor and I often find them silly or just annoying now. They do not frighten me now. But no, I cannot just shrug them off. My current thinking is that my brain WAS injured, taking so many benzos for thirty long years. Holy God. That's a long time. But if these two symptoms are brain damage from benzos, I consider myself LUCKY. I am alive! I shouldn't be but I am. I am not healthier than I have been in years. Post benzo life is truly good for this little old lady.

 

May I ask what symptoms you are currently dealing with? Your mind certainly seems intact and I truly enjoyed reading YOUR musings....(smile!) What worries you or troubles you at this point? You mention physical symptoms. I had plenty of them. Hell, when I went CT I was already using a walker to get about. After going CT I could hardly walk at all. But I did, at least to the bathroom and back...etc. Tough times.

This BWD stuff truly is a journey. What I found is that you either roll with it or you fail. Learning how to deal with so many horrible symptoms (scary stuff!) will test you. The ONLY reason I did not reinstate was my enormous paranoia of doctors back then. Thank heavens I had that fear.

When one goes off benzos by whatever route they take, the resulting mess can be truly awful. A journey with many twists and turns in the road. Up hills and down hills, you just keep going, hoping that what you read on websites like this is the truth. Praying it is!

And MOST of what you read here and on other benzo sites IS true. Just read everything with a grain of salt. Especially posts by members. The people who run sites like this and Baylissas, can be trusted. But not every member of this forum and others has the knowledge and experience to know the truth and be able to advise you. I often tell people: if a post scares you, click off it immediately. Trust your inner self.

Thank you so much, abcd. Great PM and one I enjoyed reading. I bet you are going to do very well.

annie

[[ea...]]

NM,

Women who have been abused seem to end up with addictions a lot more. Sure happened to you and I. I am so sorry you went through what you did. Nothing can make that hurt disappear except perhaps time. I have worked for years to reduce the pain and hurt of my childhood abuse. Done a lot with that too.

But here we are now. Two women who have to deal with past hurts that have come out in addictions.

Be very proud that you have opened up about your abuse! Many people hide this stuff. And hiding it always hurts one more over time. It has taken guts for you to speak up about this.

 

In fact, I truly admire you for being open about this.

much love to you, my friend,

annie

[[ea...]]

Lisa,

Way to go!!!!

Your Mom is old enough to need a medical surrogate. I assume you live in the USA?

 

Good for you for setting this in motion. Your Mom will NEED your help more and more.

Once you get this in place, you will be able to make decisions for her. NOT easy! But necessary. It is a huge and terrible thing about aging….we sort of become our parent's parents. And this is never an easy role.

 

How are YOU doing?

annie

[Guest [NM...]]

NM,

Women who have been abused seem to end up with addictions a lot more. Sure happened to you and I. I am so sorry you went through what you did. Nothing can make that hurt disappear except perhaps time. I have worked for years to reduce the pain and hurt of my childhood abuse. Done a lot with that too.

But here we are now. Two women who have to deal with past hurts that have come out in addictions.

Be very proud that you have opened up about your abuse! Many people hide this stuff. And hiding it always hurts one more over time. It has taken guts for you to speak up about this.

 

In fact, I truly admire you for being open about this.

much love to you, my friend,

annie

  Thank you for this post, Annie. 😊

[[ea...]]

Thank YOU for being a friend.

HUGE hug.

annnie and Jackie Bear, the worlds largest kitten

He is at my feet right now. One big paw planted firmly on my foot. Like he is saying "You are mine and I don't want you to move."

[[ea...]]

I cleaned a new house today. Nice place in a planned development west of town. Like a damn maze trying to find their street! But I found it. The couple are in their lower 60's and fairly wealthy. She is as publisher and was on the phone all day. I really liked them both. The husband especially. Sense of humor and intelligent.

The house was not grubby at all, what a nice change! Too much dust in the bathrooms which tells me their former cleaning person was not thorough. Big deal. Compared to some homes I clean, this one was super good.

Their directions to their home were awful! Took me a long time to find their street. I often run into this.

 

I have to finish my CEUS. Thought I had more money than I do....not a good thing. I will manage to find the $250 I need no matter what, as soon as I do the CEUS.

To all of you out there tonight who feel hopeless:

Don't feel hopeless. Oh holy god, if I can get through this, anyone can. I am not that strong. Just a tiny woman who has lots of lifes hurts and injured herself by using benzos and ADs far too long. And then went CT off it all. A true recipe for disaster, right? Well. Here I am today. 6.5 years later and inmost way8s healthier than I have been in years. Yes, I am dealing with a fairly serious health issue now, polycythemia, which more than likely was caused by my smoking. Maybe by my drinking alcohol. But - pother than that I am so much more functional now! I work. I move about. I take care of what needs to be done with a clear mind and a positive attitude.

I think that is far more important than what health issues I now have to deal with. I would never go back on benzos unless I have a real, established, terminal disease., At that point, "drug me up, docs." I want to go out relaxed. LOL!

 

Healing from this does change your attitude.

annie and Mr Bear, who is patiently waiting for me to pay attention tpo him!

 

[[Be...]]

Annie, are you done with your Dilaudid IV drip thing you were taking for your leg/hip pain? 

[[...]]

Feeling hopeless is SO normal for this stuff. I honestly think that almost EVERYONE who gets off benzos feels like that. You truly start to think you have some awful disease, or worse, lost your mind.

Yes. It seems like yesterday, in 2013. I just wanted to stop taking a little pill each day. I was down to only .5 mg of Klonopin a day. So I figured I could stop. I gave the pills to my wife, told her I never wanted to take one again, but keep them just in case. Just in case happened only a couple days later, when my heart was pounding so badly, I thought I was insane, and my BP read "you're about to have a stroke".

 

You know the rest. But I'm here today, like you, and I survived!!!

 

Gaer

[[...]]

Annie, I read this:

Of course, to be truthful I was also on a ton of benzos and not thinking as clearly as I should of. But I never hurt a patient because of it. I always pushed myseld to the limits. In nursing homes I was always the 3-11 Supervisor. A thankless position because you are expected to do EVERYTHING.

This reminds me of Nurse Jackie, which I believe was already on years ago when we talked. In that show she was always an addict, and her home life was pure hell, but in general she was a better nurse on pills than most who are sober. I don't think that part of the show was always misleading. I did wonder for awhile if they were glorifying her behavior somewhat, but after the ending, I think it was OK.

 

But you always reminded me of Jackie. I have in mind a mental image of someone extremely capable, knowledgeable and caring. And people who really know what they are doing are rare in any field.

 

Gaer

[[...]]

Yes, Gaer, what I have said is an understatement. I still do not know how to adequately describe what I went through and I am sure you feel that way too. How do you describe being tortured by maybe 50 symptoms all at once??? Its impossible.

But it is over now.

annie

Annie, for me caffeine and the pain it caused me makes everything else, EVEN benzo withdrawal, small by comparison. For example, just one migraine lasted three days, at around age 30, and during those three days I remember nothing but a blur of dry heaves every hour or so and the rest of the time being in a fetal position. I went to every kind of doctor you can think of. I mean I tried EVERYTHING: acupuncture, yoga, chiropractors, all sorts of exercise, allergists, and even more I don't remember now. Nothing stopped the headaches. They hit in general once a week, so usually on Friday. It was predictable. They moved around the week, but always back to Friday, maybe because that was when my work week was over. Oh, I tried hypnosis but never could go under.

 

Finally, in desperation, a friend got me into a local mental health clinic, and I got valium.

 

Let me tell you, valium made it bearable. I'm very lucky I was not Baker Acted, because I basically said, "If you can't give me something to control the worst of this pain, I'm going to end my life". For this reason this kind doctor, who gave me the pills, remains someone very good in my mind. I had nothing else, and they controlled things. I saw a lot of people with huge problems in that clinic, so the doc would see me with a small portable desk, studying language, and I guess he realized I didn't have mental problems, and of course I did not.

 

Unlike so many other people here, I actually stayed stable. Although in retrospect I wonder how much they did after years. But maybe they still worked because I took a small amount daily, saving them, then took much more when the migraines started. Then another doctor (wisely) was concerned and gave me something else, which unfortunately did not work as well, and eventually I found a "feel good" doc to give me the pills again. Only he was the one who said Klonopin was better. He was an AWFUL doctor, but I still don't blame him because the pain stayed away.

 

But here's the weird part: at no time did any doctor every say, "You know, some people can't tolerate caffeine, so let's have you stop it for a couple weeks and see what happens." I never drank coffee or tea, but I always drank first regular soda and later Mountain Dew. It was my one addiction, so I always had it around at work. I never put two and two together. But late in the fall of 2013, I stopped taking another drug, Trazadone, that was given to me to help me with sleep. By that time - and you will get this - my sleep went to hell because of Klonopin. Only I didn't know that. When I quit Trazadone, my BP went up and I didn't like it, so I went off the Trazadone. I quit Trazadone because it was no longer working, and it gave me horrible dry mouth and made my heart pound if I was not asleep within 30 minutes of taking it.

 

So off the Trazadone, the BP went up, and I wanted to bring it down because I was already on Ramipril. I was just grasping at straws, and I had this weird headache for around 10 days, bearable, and I probably managed it with more Klonopin, then BAM, it was over. Never a migraine in now 6 years.

 

So far I have never met one other person who had this miracle recovery just by stopping caffeine. So that's what got me wanting to stop Klonopin, because the pain was gone. How hard could it be to stop taking one little pill?

 

Well, you know the answer to that!!!

 

Gaer

[[...]]

I have been gently reminded by an upper Mod here that perhaps my history of abuse would upset some fragile people. I have been asked not to dwell on this. I do not happen to agree with this but will respect BB's request.

Some people will be upset by anything. Some people will be upset by our stories just about benzos.

 

I have my own story, which I choose NOT to talk about here, at this time, but believe me, when you talk honestly about what happened to you, you help more people than you hurt. Probably not worth trying to get through to "upper mod", but I think it's true. If "upper mod" wants to protect those of us who are more fragile from the Big Ugly World, where does it stop? For the record, I have heard tons of stories about parents who allow horrible things continue to go on in the home because they don't want to face the fact that their spouse is abusing their child. They choose not to see what any honest person would see, and the damage can be beyond belief.

 

And now I have opened MY big mouth, Annie!!!

 

Gaer

[[me...]]

I have been gently reminded by an upper Mod here that perhaps my history of abuse would upset some fragile people. I have been asked not to dwell on this. I do not happen to agree with this but will respect BB's request.

Some people will be upset by anything. Some people will be upset by our stories just about benzos.

 

I have my own story, which I choose NOT to talk about here, at this time, but believe me, when you talk honestly about what happened to you, you help more people than you hurt. Probably not worth trying to get through to "upper mod", but I think it's true. If "upper mod" wants to protect those of us who are more fragile from the Big Ugly World, where does it stop? For the record, I have heard tons of stories about parents who allow horrible things continue to go on in the home because they don't want to face the fact that their spouse is abusing their child. They choose not to see what any honest person would see, and the damage can be beyond belief.

 

And now I have opened MY big mouth, Annie!!!

 

Gaer

 

 

Hello Gaer, and Annie,

 

Those of us who have been off benzos for years, like you and I have, sometimes forget how very, very sensitive taperers and those newly off can be. I know I was extremely sensitive and impressionable during that time.  Disturbing stories can indeed set a sensitive person "off."  We expect all members to be supportive of those who are still in the throes of withdrawal.

 

The "upper mod" you seem to be joking about is Pianogirl, the Chief Administrator of our forum.  Pianogirl has been doing her job, volunteering as we all do, for many years now, and is a top notch administrator.

 

So I would strongly suggest that everyone think before posting about disturbing subjects which might trigger more sensitive members.  Doing so isnt very supportive, and generates reports.

 

Thanks,

 

Megan

 

 

[[ea...]]

Annie, are you done with your Dilaudid IV drip thing you were taking for your leg/hip pain?

 

 

Nope. I have an implanted pain pump that delivers tiny doses of Dilaudid into my spine at the level of my bad leg injury. This past year I have been slowly reducing the dose. 2% every three months. My plan is to get as low as possible and see if I DO still have bad pain. I may not, and if so, will just stop the drug delivery but leave the pump in in case I need it again. I just don't want to be dependant on drugs now.

 

How are YOU doing??? Everything okay with you?

annie

[[ea...]]

Annie, I read this:

Of course, to be truthful I was also on a ton of benzos and not thinking as clearly as I should of. But I never hurt a patient because of it. I always pushed myseld to the limits. In nursing homes I was always the 3-11 Supervisor. A thankless position because you are expected to do EVERYTHING.

This reminds me of Nurse Jackie, which I believe was already on years ago when we talked. In that show she was always an addict, and her home life was pure hell, but in general she was a better nurse on pills than most who are sober. I don't think that part of the show was always misleading. I did wonder for awhile if they were glorifying her behavior somewhat, but after the ending, I think it was OK.

 

But you always reminded me of Jackie. I have in mind a mental image of someone extremely capable, knowledgeable and caring. And people who really know what they are doing are rare in any field.

 

Gaer

 

OOH! That is a compliment! I loved Nurse Jackie and definitely related to her dilemma. It was my dilemma too. And yes, she was a better nurse DESPITE her addiction.

However, an impaired nurse is NOT a safe nurse. DUH! As I look back I know that if I had not been on benzos I would have been a better nurse. Nurse Jackie, who does not exist, would have been the same. I want to watch re-runs of that show again and also "House" which was the BEST doctor/medical show on TV ever. Realistic, touching and funny. His experiences on a psych ward were priceless.

Gaer, thank you for you amusing and sassy replies. Yup, we may open our big mouths again, and may "get into trouble again. I do not worry about this now. Yes, I try to play by the rules, but only because of how grateful I am to BB. I cannot censure everything I write, because for me, honesty about ALL of this is so important. One does not recover from benzos without honesty. Okay. Certain subjects are off limits. I can live with that. But do not ever tell me I cannot tell the truth about what I went through.

Gaer, you have been through a hell of a lot. I am so sorry you did. You and I deserved better. But heck, here we are, we are alive and well and a heck of a lot wiser than we used to be! I have learned so much going through WD.

 

BIG HUG to my fellow friend in FL,

 

annie

[[Be...]]

Annie, I'm doing horribly.  I post all my complaining on my blog on the Faith Forum.  I've had bad head pressure since I got off the pills about six years ago and it's never gone away.  Internal shaking and vibrating never stops.  Mental functioning at an all-time low.  I believe I've got early-onset dementia now.  It runs in the family on my dad's side.  He started losing his memory in his early 50's and I'll be 58 in a few days.  I've got bad genes on my dad's side.  No appetite or thirst either for six years.  It went out the window as soon as I got off the pills.  Bad stomach pain all the time too on the left side.