Eastcoast's Trip

[[ea...]]

NM, your life story is similar to mine. I have always figured that - yes, I was hurt at 8 years old. Badly so. It affected just about everything about me. But I am now an adult, in fact a SENIOR adult now! Old traumas have no say in how I am today. Yes. If not for that trauma, I might now be married or live with someone I really love and trust. Being hurt as I was made me too wary of men. Okay, that is life and I cannot spend any time fussing about that! What is done is done. Being abused affected me a lot. But I do not blame my abusing benzos and other drugs on it, although it may have played a role in this sort of behavior. I inherited my fathers obsessive-compulsive personality. He smoked and drank (a lot!) He also had weight issues and was overweight his whole life, just as I was. Couple this with a mother who was obsessive about weight issues and you begin to understand why self esteem problems plagued me for many years! I can laugh now, I do not cry over this stuff now. My mom was a troubled woman in a bad marriage and she tried to raise her kids right, but like most humans she made some big errors. I do not blame her for that.

 

 

Yes, Gaer, what I have said is an understatement. I still do not know how to adequately describe what I went through and I am sure you feel that way too. How do you describe being tortured by maybe 50 symptoms all at once??? Its impossible.

But it is over now.

annie

[[ea...]]

There is something hinky going on here on BB lately. Too many times I have written out replies or entries here only to have the screen blank out and everything disappears.

 

Whatever. I spent another 3 hours today wading through CEUS for my RN license. Aced Medical Errors and HIV, Hepatitus. The began struggling with Florida Laws for Nurses, a truly useless bunch of info. I finally realized that the only way to do this one is to take the stupid quiz and write all of it down so I can go back and learn what THEY think is so important. Phooey on this sort of crap! Do I really need to know details about what an ARNP needs to do to renew her license? I do not think so. Do I need to know what an LPN needs to do? Doubt it.

This stuff is somewhat why I gave up on being an RN in Florida. Useless information and you do not get any on the job support…..just flack.

I also took (for "general credits") Impaired Nurses. I was one, so why not! I kept thinking about that wonderful TV show, Nurse Jackie. Oh how true and real that show was. I loved Nurse Jackie and identified with her a lot. She took narcs, I didn't. I took benzos, a shitload of them. Both of us got into huge trouble because of this stuff. I always looked forward to catching up on Jackie, her troubled marriage, her double life, her being a skilled and dedicated RN who was also addicted to drugs. Oh how so true for me too.

 

That wont happen again for me. I will never risk my hard won license for drugs again. I would rather quit and work as a janitor than do that shit again.

 

I was reading all those rules about laws for RNs and they mentioned being arrested. Well, yes I was. I was arrested for a DUI in maybe 2005??? I spent a night in jail. I was required to take a lot of courses about alcohol and participate in class and I did. I never went to Court. Florida handles first DUI's a bit differently. I was on Probation for a year. I was working at a prison then. And all the staff knew I had been arrested thanks to a cvop with a big mouth. Humiliating. Well. I did not lose my license then and nor will it affect me now.

 

Nurses ARE more likely to abuse drugs. One study showed that 12% of RNS drink heavily. High stress jobs more so, like the ER and ICU. One study showed that 12% of all RNs used illegal drugs within a month. That one I don't quite believe. One study said that perhaps 10% of RNs abuse prescription drugs, either legally gotten or not so legally. That I CAN believe and in fact think the number is higher.

Being an RN is stressful. I hope to find some job in which I will not be subjected to extreme stress. I have NO desire to jump in and save lives in an ER or ICU. A nice little psych unit would be just fine. Mental, careful work. A willingness to be flexible with seriously psychotic patients. Being up on current psych meds.

A detox unit would be ideal, but I worry about my tendency to be "Miss Know It All." I just know I will be tempted to try tyo educate everyone about benzos and that WILL cost me my job.

Thoughts, visions, hopes.....we all have to have them.

[Guest [NM...]]

There is something hinky going on here on BB lately. Too many times I have written out replies or entries here only to have the screen blank out and everything disappears.

 

Whatever. I spent another 3 hours today wading through CEUS for my RN license. Aced Medical Errors and HIV, Hepatitus. The began struggling with Florida Laws for Nurses, a truly useless bunch of info. I finally realized that the only way to do this one is to take the stupid quiz and write all of it down so I can go back and learn what THEY think is so important. Phooey on this sort of crap! Do I really need to know details about what an ARNP needs to do to renew her license? I do not think so. Do I need to know what an LPN needs to do? Doubt it.

This stuff is somewhat why I gave up on being an RN in Florida. Useless information and you do not get any on the job support…..just flack.

I also took (for "general credits") Impaired Nurses. I was one, so why not! I kept thinking about that wonderful TV show, Nurse Jackie. Oh how true and real that show was. I loved Nurse Jackie and identified with her a lot. She took narcs, I didn't. I took benzos, a shitload of them. Both of us got into huge trouble because of this stuff. I always looked forward to catching up on Jackie, her troubled marriage, her double life, her being a skilled and dedicated RN who was also addicted to drugs. Oh how so true for me too.

 

That wont happen again for me. I will never risk my hard won license for drugs again. I would rather quit and work as a janitor than do that shit again.

 

I was reading all those rules about laws for RNs and they mentioned being arrested. Well, yes I was. I was arrested for a DUI in maybe 2005??? I spent a night in jail. I was required to take a lot of courses about alcohol and participate in class and I did. I never went to Court. Florida handles first DUI's a bit differently. I was on Probation for a year. I was working at a prison then. And all the staff knew I had been arrested thanks to a cvop with a big mouth. Humiliating. Well. I did not lose my license then and nor will it affect me now.

 

Nurses ARE more likely to abuse drugs. One study showed that 12% of RNS drink heavily. High stress jobs more so, like the ER and ICU. One study showed that 12% of all RNs used illegal drugs within a month. That one I don't quite believe. One study said that perhaps 10% of RNs abuse prescription drugs, either legally gotten or not so legally. That I CAN believe and in fact think the number is higher.

Being an RN is stressful. I hope to find some job in which I will not be subjected to extreme stress. I have NO desire to jump in and save lives in an ER or ICU. A nice little psych unit would be just fine. Mental, careful work. A willingness to be flexible with seriously psychotic patients. Being up on current psych meds.

A detox unit would be ideal, but I worry about my tendency to be "Miss Know It All." I just know I will be tempted to try tyo educate everyone about benzos and that WILL cost me my job.

Thoughts, visions, hopes.....we all have to have them.

 

Annie, my mother in law and one of my husband’s sisters are RNs. Both are addicts. My MIL an alcoholic. drinking every day, my SIL clean from benzo and (mostly) opiate abuse. She’s been clean since 2006. I loved Nurse Jackie so much. Grew show! I’m sitting here reading about benzos and the brain...while being emotionally disconnected and spaced out, trying to formulate sentences. I used to pride myself in being able to write halfway well. Lol not so much lately! Praying this depression and fear of nights goes away soon. Telling myself that no matter what I’ll be okay. I have tapered through the worst thing I can imagine-being separated from my son and his children. Two precious grandsons and one granddaughter we’ve only seen in a photo on Facebook. I’ve tapered throughout having my heart ripped out but I’ve kept on going. We have a daughter, son in law and two more granddaughters who treasure us. I know I don’t need to apologize for jumping all over the place with my thoughts and words, but I really hoped I wouldn’t be one who suffered more towards the end of my taper, but the depression, dp/dr, and fear of “everything” have been terrible. I know it could be worse. I do know this... As of this past week I’m down to .375mg of Klonopin. I’m nearly done with this BS drug. Thanks for your presence here, Annie. I’ve taken a liking to you. You’re strong and open. I admire you. Later—NM

[Guest [NM...]]

Oh...our daughter and her family are moving to Florida for a year in a few weeks. Her husband is in pilot training in the military-they’ll be back close to us next year. I dread being away from them, but I am also excited for them on this adventure. It will also be the time when I finish my taper and begin my life drug free. I will try my best for this time to be a learning and growing experience. My husband spent 27 years in the military and our daughter’s life reminds me a lot of our adventures when she and her brother were young. Well ha. They are young-early 30s. Here’s to a continuing healing year for us all. When things get really shitty and I wonder if I can do all of this, I remember that I have survived awful abuse as a 3-4 year old—and I did survive that. I’m here today still going!

[[Ma...]]

NM, your life story is similar to mine. I have always figured that - yes, I was hurt at 8 years old. Badly so. It affected just about everything about me. But I am now an adult, in fact a SENIOR adult now! Old traumas have no say in how I am today. Yes. If not for that trauma, I might now be married or live with someone I really love and trust. Being hurt as I was made me too wary of men. Okay, that is life and I cannot spend any time fussing about that! What is done is done. Being abused affected me a lot. But I do not blame my abusing benzos and other drugs on it, although it may have played a role in this sort of behavior. I inherited my fathers obsessive-compulsive personality. He smoked and drank (a lot!) He also had weight issues and was overweight his whole life, just as I was. Couple this with a mother who was obsessive about weight issues and you begin to understand why self esteem problems plagued me for many years! I can laugh now, I do not cry over this stuff now. My mom was a troubled woman in a bad marriage and she tried to raise her kids right, but like most humans she made some big errors. I do not blame her for that.

 

 

Yes, Gaer, what I have said is an understatement. I still do not know how to adequately describe what I went through and I am sure you feel that way too. How do you describe being tortured by maybe 50 symptoms all at once??? Its impossible.

But it is over now.

annie

 

I can't say all of us have stories, but it sure does seem like a lot of us do, which is also the story of our benzo history, it's heartbreaking really, and yes it's over now, but there are so many of us still struggling through the benzo story.  I am so happy you are on the other side Annie.  Love to you and Bear, Mary 🐱🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾.  ❤️💘💝❣️

[Guest [NM...]]

NM, your life story is similar to mine. I have always figured that - yes, I was hurt at 8 years old. Badly so. It affected just about everything about me. But I am now an adult, in fact a SENIOR adult now! Old traumas have no say in how I am today. Yes. If not for that trauma, I might now be married or live with someone I really love and trust. Being hurt as I was made me too wary of men. Okay, that is life and I cannot spend any time fussing about that! What is done is done. Being abused affected me a lot. But I do not blame my abusing benzos and other drugs on it, although it may have played a role in this sort of behavior. I inherited my fathers obsessive-compulsive personality. He smoked and drank (a lot!) He also had weight issues and was overweight his whole life, just as I was. Couple this with a mother who was obsessive about weight issues and you begin to understand why self esteem problems plagued me for many years! I can laugh now, I do not cry over this stuff now. My mom was a troubled woman in a bad marriage and she tried to raise her kids right, but like most humans she made some big errors. I do not blame her for that.

 

 

Yes, Gaer, what I have said is an understatement. I still do not know how to adequately describe what I went through and I am sure you feel that way too. How do you describe being tortured by maybe 50 symptoms all at once??? Its impossible.

But it is over now.

annie

 

I can't say all of us have stories, but it sure does seem like a lot of us do, which is also the story of our benzo history, it's heartbreaking really, and yes it's over now, but there are so many of us still struggling through the benzo story.  I am so happy you are on the other side Annie.  Love to you and Bear, Mary 🐱🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾.  ❤️💘💝❣️

 

Hugs, Mary ♥️

[Guest [NM...]]

NM, your life story is similar to mine. I have always figured that - yes, I was hurt at 8 years old. Badly so. It affected just about everything about me. But I am now an adult, in fact a SENIOR adult now! Old traumas have no say in how I am today. Yes. If not for that trauma, I might now be married or live with someone I really love and trust. Being hurt as I was made me too wary of men. Okay, that is life and I cannot spend any time fussing about that! What is done is done. Being abused affected me a lot. But I do not blame my abusing benzos and other drugs on it, although it may have played a role in this sort of behavior. I inherited my fathers obsessive-compulsive personality. He smoked and drank (a lot!) He also had weight issues and was overweight his whole life, just as I was. Couple this with a mother who was obsessive about weight issues and you begin to understand why self esteem problems plagued me for many years! I can laugh now, I do not cry over this stuff now. My mom was a troubled woman in a bad marriage and she tried to raise her kids right, but like most humans she made some big errors. I do not blame her for that.

 

 

Yes, Gaer, what I have said is an understatement. I still do not know how to adequately describe what I went through and I am sure you feel that way too. How do you describe being tortured by maybe 50 symptoms all at once??? Its impossible.

But it is over now.

annie

 

I can't say all of us have stories, but it sure does seem like a lot of us do, which is also the story of our benzo history, it's heartbreaking really, and yes it's over now, but there are so many of us still struggling through the benzo story.  I am so happy you are on the other side Annie.  Love to you and Bear, Mary 🐱🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾.  ❤️💘💝❣️

 

Hugs, Mary. <3

[[Ma...]]

NM, your life story is similar to mine. I have always figured that - yes, I was hurt at 8 years old. Badly so. It affected just about everything about me. But I am now an adult, in fact a SENIOR adult now! Old traumas have no say in how I am today. Yes. If not for that trauma, I might now be married or live with someone I really love and trust. Being hurt as I was made me too wary of men. Okay, that is life and I cannot spend any time fussing about that! What is done is done. Being abused affected me a lot. But I do not blame my abusing benzos and other drugs on it, although it may have played a role in this sort of behavior. I inherited my fathers obsessive-compulsive personality. He smoked and drank (a lot!) He also had weight issues and was overweight his whole life, just as I was. Couple this with a mother who was obsessive about weight issues and you begin to understand why self esteem problems plagued me for many years! I can laugh now, I do not cry over this stuff now. My mom was a troubled woman in a bad marriage and she tried to raise her kids right, but like most humans she made some big errors. I do not blame her for that.

 

 

Yes, Gaer, what I have said is an understatement. I still do not know how to adequately describe what I went through and I am sure you feel that way too. How do you describe being tortured by maybe 50 symptoms all at once??? Its impossible.

But it is over now.

annie

 

I can't say all of us have stories, but it sure does seem like a lot of us do, which is also the story of our benzo history, it's heartbreaking really, and yes it's over now, but there are so many of us still struggling through the benzo story.  I am so happy you are on the other side Annie.  Love to you and Bear, Mary 🐱🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾.  ❤️💘💝❣️

 

Hugs, Mary ♥️

 

Thanks NMSafe,  :smitten:

[[ea...]]

NM, where in Florida will they be??? I live in Vero Beach, eastcoast about halfway down. Hence my BB name, eastcoast62 (the year I went CT).

 

I woke up this morning during a truly horrific nightmare. The complete message of it was "do not trust anyone." The dream was about my parents and several other important people when I was young. I was 8 years old when my father did something NOT normal to me. Not full on sex but some sort of innapropriate touching, I think. I know something happened and still do not know what it was despite years of therapy, hypnosis, etc. And yes, I DID feel I could not trust anyone after that. I saw both my parents as somehow evil beings who only wanted to hurt me. I fetl that way about Mom because she did not protect me from Dad, and after he did what he did, my behavior changed drastically. I became sullen, sad, resentful. Mom blamed my elementary school teacher, because she was gay. See, Mom DID suspect sexual abuse, but could not face that it might have been her husband. That was an enormous let down to me. She even confronted this poor teacher and accused her! She admitted to me years later that she DID suspect Dad but just could not deal with that. What a terrible message to give your child.

It is all over now and a small part of me will never heal from that childhood hurt. I can forgive my parents on one level but that dream tells me I havent totally forgiven them. Maybe they SHOULNT be forgiven!

Any wonder why I ended up benzos? LOL!

 

Worked well today got off work and went to the grocery store. Saw an older lady peering at the cleaning supplies shelves looking puzzled. I told her what I do. She had a list her cleaning person gave her to buy. NOT all of which were good products.

I spent a few minutes picking oput products for her, and asked if she was happy with her cleaning lady. BIG tentative negatively expression on her face. "Umm,, not really. he talks to much. I have to leave the house because of this." Oh dear. I gave her my business card and perhaps she will call me. She lives in Johns Island, the wealthiest part of Vero Beach. HUGE money there.

 

Didnt do anything about my license today. Time will fix that. It struck me this afternoon that perhaps they are encouraging you take the damnb quiz FCIRZST so you can write down the questions! That would explain why "Take Quiz" is right below the name of the course! LOL! Same old crap. Stillk making it too easy to get CEUS. God helkp us that our nurses and doctors and anesthesiologists take similar CEUS.

 

 

 

 

[[Ma...]]

NM, where in Florida will they be??? I live in Vero Beach, eastcoast about halfway down. Hence my BB name, eastcoast62 (the year I went CT).

 

I woke up this morning during a truly horrific nightmare. The complete message of it was "do not trust anyone." The dream was about my parents and several other important people when I was young. I was 8 years old when my father did something NOT normal to me. Not full on sex but some sort of innapropriate touching, I think. I know something happened and still do not know what it was despite years of therapy, hypnosis, etc. And yes, I DID feel I could not trust anyone after that. I saw both my parents as somehow evil beings who only wanted to hurt me. I fetl that way about Mom because she did not protect me from Dad, and after he did what he did, my behavior changed drastically. I became sullen, sad, resentful. Mom blamed my elementary school teacher, because she was gay. See, Mom DID suspect sexual abuse, but could not face that it might have been her husband. That was an enormous let down to me. She even confronted this poor teacher and accused her! She admitted to me years later that she DID suspect Dad but just could not deal with that. What a terrible message to give your child.

It is all over now and a small part of me will never heal from that childhood hurt. I can forgive my parents on one level but that dream tells me I havent totally forgiven them. Maybe they SHOULNT be forgiven!

Any wonder why I ended up benzos? LOL!

 

Worked well today got off work and went to the grocery store. Saw an older lady peering at the cleaning supplies shelves looking puzzled. I told her what I do. She had a list her cleaning person gave her to buy. NOT all of which were good products.

I spent a few minutes picking oput products for her, and asked if she was happy with her cleaning lady. BIG tentative negatively expression on her face. "Umm,, not really. he talks to much. I have to leave the house because of this." Oh dear. I gave her my business card and perhaps she will call me. She lives in Johns Island, the wealthiest part of Vero Beach. HUGE money there.

 

Didnt do anything about my license today. Time will fix that. It struck me this afternoon that perhaps they are encouraging you take the damnb quiz FCIRZST so you can write down the questions! That would explain why "Take Quiz" is right below the name of the course! LOL! Same old crap. Stillk making it too easy to get CEUS. God helkp us that our nurses and doctors and anesthesiologists take similar CEUS.

 

Hope you get that business girlfriend, it was nice of you to walk up to help

I am very sorry that happened to you , took away your trust and your childhood. A lot of Dr's now believe childhood trauma causes ptsd and the trauma inside of us grows as other bad things happen to us.  I read a great book on the subject and it made so much sense to me.  Love ya Annie and Bear

🐱🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾☮️💜🙏☮️💜🙏  Mary

 

[[ea...]]

Yup. Childhood trauma did cause PTSD in me. My reaction, unfortunately, was to start taking a lot of benzos. Numb myself, dumb myself.....Oh the horrors of these drugs.

Just be glad you too are getting off them.

Long day that started badly. Tomorrow is an easy day, a house I know well. Cleaned it for about 2 years. Owner wont be home. I plan to sleep later and go in whenever I want to. She will bein WPB, dealing with her messy divorce.

Night night, my friends. I love you all. Such wonderful people, struggling with this stuff. All of you are capable of getting off benzos and ADs. It just takes time, patience, and a willingness to suffer a bit.

annie

[[ea...]]

I have been gently reminded by an upper Mod here that perhaps my history of abuse would upset some fragile people. I have been asked not to dwell on this. I do not happen to agree with this but will respect BB's request.

 

I have heard from so many people here who have similar histories. In fact, I do think that many people - especially women - get on benzos because of this sort of childhood damage. I cannot tell you how often I have heard from BB members who were also abused as kids. Childhood hurts certainly CAN steer you towards taking drugs to fix your pain. You just don't know the horrible damage those drugs will do to you over time.

 

SO: If anyone out there has a similar history and wants to share it with someone else, send me a PM and we can talk in private about this sort of thing. We all know this stuff happens. But nor do we have to remain hidden in shame, and we do need to heal. Getting off drugs is just one step. Healing past damage is a huge one.

I may not agree with BB's philosphy on this but because I owe BB my life, I have to respect the request.

When I was still truly sick and suggestible with BWD I read many things that upset me. I quickly learned that if something upset me, CLICK OFF OF IT. Only I control what I do read and dont. I have noticed over time that the average BB member is intelligent, perhaps above the norm. And that most of the women here are thoughtful creative people who try to take care of things. Fact is, more women are abused than men. As kids anyway.

 

I have an idea. If anyone out there would be interested in starting a special support group for abused people - abused as children OR adults, let me know. I would be more than willing to moderate it and I would do this on one of my personal email addresses. Just let me know.

 

Annie

 

[[...]]

Just a personal opinion, but I think all your general musings here should probably be spun off to the blog section, East.  I feel it detracts from your success story. 

Why not start a blog instead, you already have a huge following. 

[[ea...]]

Nope. I have always treated my SS as my personal diary. I used top keep a blog but found it cumbersome.

I will abide by BBs wishes.

May I ask what bothers you about my "personal musings"? Just curious.

[[...]]

Honestly, I haven't been diligently following all the posts here, East, but it appears in my "New Replies" so every now and again I'll click and skim.  So it's not any musings in particular that bothered me, it's really the concept of a success story morphing into a personal blog which doesn't seem appropriate to me.  That's all.  Not personal.

 

Actually, there was one of your musings which interested me and I very much wanted to join in the discussion, but just too darn compromised to execute.

[Guest [NM...]]

I have been gently reminded by an upper Mod here that perhaps my history of abuse would upset some fragile people. I have been asked not to dwell on this. I do not happen to agree with this but will respect BB's request. Wow. I’m surprised by this.

I have heard from so many people here who have similar histories. In fact, I do think that many people - especially women - get on benzos because of this sort of childhood damage. I cannot tell you how often I have heard from BB members who were also abused as kids. Childhood hurts certainly CAN steer you towards taking drugs to fix your pain. You just don't know the horrible damage those drugs will do to you over time. Yes.

 

SO: If anyone out there has a similar history and wants to share it with someone else, send me a PM and we can talk in private about this sort of thing. We all know this stuff happens. But nor do we have to remain hidden in shame, and we do need to heal. Getting off drugs is just one step. Healing past damage is a huge one.

I may not agree with BB's philosphy on this but because I owe BB my life, I have to respect the request.

When I was still truly sick and suggestible with BWD I read many things that upset me. I quickly learned that if something upset me, CLICK OFF OF IT. Only I control what I do read and dont. I have noticed over time that the average BB member is intelligent, perhaps above the norm. And that most of the women here are thoughtful creative people who try to take care of things. Fact is, more women are abused than men. As kids anyway.

 

I have an idea. If anyone out there would be interested in starting a special support group for abused people - abused as children OR adults, let me know. I would be more than willing to moderate it and I would do this on one of my personal email addresses. Just let me know.

 

Annie

[Guest [Le...]]

Just a personal opinion, but I think all your general musings here should probably be spun off to the blog section, East.  I feel it detracts from your success story. 

Why not start a blog instead, you already have a huge following. 

 

Nope. I have always treated my SS as my personal diary. I used top keep a blog but found it cumbersome.

I will abide by BBs wishes.

May I ask what bothers you about my "personal musings"? Just curious.

 

Honestly, I haven't been diligently following all the posts here, East, but it appears in my "New Replies" so every now and again I'll click and skim.  So it's not any musings in particular that bothered me, it's really the concept of a success story morphing into a personal blog which doesn't seem appropriate to me.  That's all.  Not personal.

 

Actually, there was one of your musings which interested me and I very much wanted to join in the discussion, but just too darn compromised to execute.

 

With all due respect, East, what Abcd is suggesting is precisely what one of the team had suggested to you privately: That you limit potentially triggering types of discussions to a blog rather than including them in your Success Story, since people are looking here for hope, not further anxiety.

 

A blog is a good option for this more personal type of discussion, but if that’s not workable, as you say, that’s fine, of course. But please don’t continue to litigate this issue in this Success Story thread when a reasonable alternative was proposed to you privately.

 

Also, BenzoBuddies cannot be used to solicit members’ emails, so please bear that in mind.

 

Thank you.

[Guest [NM...]]

Nope. I have always treated my SS as my personal diary. I used top keep a blog but found it cumbersome.

I will abide by BBs wishes.

May I ask what bothers you about my "personal musings"? Just curious.

 

I find nothing wrong. So much on this forum is triggering. I find your posts very inspiring. Throughout all of your life you’ve proven to be a SURVIVOR, and now more than ever.

[[ea...]]

Honestly, I haven't been diligently following all the posts here, East, but it appears in my "New Replies" so every now and again I'll click and skim.  So it's not any musings in particular that bothered me, it's really the concept of a success story morphing into a personal blog which doesn't seem appropriate to me.  That's all.  Not personal.

 

Actually, there was one of your musings which interested me and I very much wanted to join in the discussion, but just too darn compromised to execute.

 

 

Write me a Personal Message. I would be more than happy to chat with you about anything intensely private....IN Private. One is never to compromised to attempt to work on stuff like this. I finally realized that EVERYONE has secrets. No one goes untouched by hurts and let downs. It is how we handle them that matters.

 

Let me know privately and  we can go from there.

east

[[ea...]]

I do not happen to agree with BB's philosophy on this but because I truly care about BB, I will do as suggested. I do think that sometimes we BB people tend to get a bit TOO protective. One does not heal from this stuff - benzos and personal problems - without some hurts along the way. Instead of seeing "my musings" as "potentially triggering" to someone, I look at it that someone out there may have had the exact same issue/hurt in their life and reading my "musings" causes them to realize they DO have hope. And reach out, perhaps for the very first time.

Whatever. Enough on this. I am done with this subject.

 

 

I finished the required RN Ceus today! Waded through "Florida Law and Rules for Nurses." Three hours on nonsense, to be honest. Next is 20 hours of "General" Ceus, which means I can study anything I want to. Nice. I hope to find courses on drug addictions, of course. And Psych issues. Hope those courses turn out to be somewhat enlightening and not the same old nonsense. (IE "Benzos are usually pretty safe to take if for a limited amount of time and can easily be gotten off of!" That is what I used to read. How wrong.....

 

 

NM, you are a true friend. Thank you. Survivors often do upset someone elses little applecart. But survivors also know when they have to abide by someone else's rules. Because BB is so very important to me, I try NOT to do anything that upsets anyone. We all make mistakes. Move on from them...….

 

 

To all out there tonight who think they are different somehow, that they are not healing properly, and who worry this is permanent: PLEASE know this is "Benzo Talk." Riverwolfe called this stuff "Benzo Lies" and I think that's a much better name for it. On benzos and getting off them, our thinking is messed up. Almost everyone thinks they are worse off, sicker, doomed, insane, etc. That is your temporarily injured brain talking, NOT the real you, who is in there, hidden under the psych drugs leaving your system. No matter what, I believe that everyone does heal from this mess. I know you have read some scary posts out there from people who have been off benzos for several years and claim to have terrible protracted symptoms. From my experience here and elsewhere online, I strongly feel that some of those people may have other psychiatric issues. Plus they may be on drugs they are not admitting too, legal or illegal. Read everything with a grain of salt. Most of all: IF you are reading something that scares you or upsets you, click OFF immediately. Your inner voice knows what is best for you now.

 

Benzos lie to us in many ways. When we take them, we usually feel "better" so we continue to take them. For me, benzos allowed me to sleep. But over time the damage these drugs do mounts up.  There are a few people who take benzos for many years and get off them without a bit of trouble. Wish I had been one of those people. But I wasn't. I was one messed up cookie back in 2012 when I went cold turkey off it all.

Over time, on benzos, you slowly start to think that those pills will really help you make it through something difficult. And they sort of do - but at what a huge price. But you don't know that yet! (Another benzo lie.) Maybe you add in ADs, because now that you are on benzos you feel depressed (a very common side effect of benzos.) Now you are on several psych drugs. Maybe you start to have other weird symptoms. You see a specialist. He puts you on MORE brain affecting drugs!

Holy moly, see where I am going? You have become a Human Cocktail of psych drugs. That happened to me and it could happen to you.

 

Wherever you are in the continuum, just keep on going. Get off benzos however you are doing it. It is all good. I personally feel that getting off Ds and other psych drugs is healthier but only YOU can decide that one, based on your history.

 

No matter how awful you feel today, tomorrow IS another day. Healing may be just around the corner for you. Hang on, hold tight and keep on moving forward. "The only way out is through" is SO true.

much love to all of you.

Annie and Mr Bear, the worlds best cat

[Guest [NM...]]

I do not happen to agree with BB's philosophy on this but because I truly care about BB, I will do as suggested. I do think that sometimes we BB people tend to get a bit TOO protective. One does not heal from this stuff - benzos and personal problems - without some hurts along the way. Instead of seeing "my musings" as "potentially triggering" to someone, I look at it that someone out there may have had the exact same issue/hurt in their life and reading my "musings" causes them to realize they DO have hope. And reach out, perhaps for the very first time.

Whatever. Enough on this. I am done with this subject.

Yes

 

 

I finished the required RN Ceus today! Waded through "Florida Law and Rules for Nurses." Three hours on nonsense, to be honest. Next is 20 hours of "General" Ceus, which means I can study anything I want to. Nice. I hope to find courses on drug addictions, of course. And Psych issues. Hope those courses turn out to be somewhat enlightening and not the same old nonsense. (IE "Benzos are usually pretty safe to take if for a limited amount of time and can easily be gotten off of!" That is what I used to read. How wrong.....

 

 

NM, you are a true friend. Thank you. Survivors often do upset someone elses little applecart. But survivors also know when they have to abide by someone else's rules. Because BB is so very important to me, I try NOT to do anything that upsets anyone. We all make mistakes. Move on from them...…. Thank YOU, Annie.

 

 

To all out there tonight who think they are different somehow, that they are not healing properly, and who worry this is permanent: PLEASE know this is "Benzo Talk." Riverwolfe called this stuff "Benzo Lies" and I think that's a much better name for it. On benzos and getting off them, our thinking is messed up. Almost everyone thinks they are worse off, sicker, doomed, insane, etc. That is your temporarily injured brain talking, NOT the real you, who is in there, hidden under the psych drugs leaving your system. No matter what, I believe that everyone does heal from this mess. I know you have read some scary posts out there from people who have been off benzos for several years and claim to have terrible protracted symptoms. From my experience here and elsewhere online, I strongly feel that some of those people may have other psychiatric issues. Plus they may be on drugs they are not admitting too, legal or illegal. Read everything with a grain of salt. Most of all: IF you are reading something that scares you or upsets you, click OFF immediately. Your inner voice knows what is best for you now.

 

Benzos lie to us in many ways. When we take them, we usually feel "better" so we continue to take them. For me, benzos allowed me to sleep. But over time the damage these drugs do mounts up.  There are a few people who take benzos for many years and get off them without a bit of trouble. Wish I had been one of those people. But I wasn't. I was one messed up cookie back in 2012 when I went cold turkey off it all.

Over time, on benzos, you slowly start to think that those pills will really help you make it through something difficult. And they sort of do - but at what a huge price. But you don't know that yet! (Another benzo lie.) Maybe you add in ADs, because now that you are on benzos you feel depressed (a very common side effect of benzos.) Now you are on several psych drugs. Maybe you start to have other weird symptoms. You see a specialist. He puts you on MORE brain affecting drugs!

Holy moly, see where I am going? You have become a Human Cocktail of psych drugs. That happened to me and it could happen to you.

 

Wherever you are in the continuum, just keep on going. Get off benzos however you are doing it. It is all good. I personally feel that getting off Ds and other psych drugs is healthier but only YOU can decide that one, based on your history.

 

No matter how awful you feel today, tomorrow IS another day. Healing may be just around the corner for you. Hang on, hold tight and keep on moving forward. "The only way out is through" is SO true.

much love to all of you.

Annie and Mr Bear, the worlds best cat

All of this! Today was rough. Depression and derealization were smothering. It was a “is this going to last forever?” day. Thanks for the encouragement and reassurance, once more. I also so much appreciate that you mentioned River Wolf here. His posts have been a Godsend. Life is so weird and surreal; it’s difficult to just breathe through and accept what is and what will be without a big fight. And 100%— the only way is THROUGH this, not around it. Tough lesson, but true.

[[ea...]]

Riverwolfe was one of my real heros when I was at my worst. I clung to his words. They slowly began to make sense as my brain began to heal a bit.

An intelligent person wants to understand what happened to them. How did this misery come about? You start doing "research." Some of it may be worthless. Some may have some truth to it but at first you do not know who to trust.

 

NM: picture this. Back then I weighed 85 lbs. I looked like a stick with big breasts. I was sitting on my sofa, my 5 cats all around me but at that time I could not see tham as comfort. I was too out of it. I was scared of everything around me. Everything. I know that sounds unreal but it was exactly how I felt then. Every single thing scared me. Imagine that, can you? It was un bearable. I held on and held on and hoped that I wasnt insane, although I truly thought I was. I had almost every possible symptom. Mental and physical. I clung to life. I hoped I would get better.

It wasnt until I found BB that I slowly began the long journey out. I am a person who thrives on KNOWING things. I slowly read through stuff here and slowly it began to make some sense to me. I still could not believe WD could be that bad. But it can be and it was, for me.

 

Over long months I hung on. I learned some things that helped me cope with symptoms. Deep belly breathing worked for anxiety, at least a little bit. Distraction definitly helped and became my "modis operandi". I was always trying to distract myself.

 

Time went by slowly slowly....horribly slowly. Over that first year I clung to life. BB was my lifeboat. Without BB I would have gone overboard and drowned. I just had to hang on because I dimly sensed life COULD be better once  healed. It was an enormous leap of faith to believe and trust what I read here on BB! HUGE! But it turned out to be true.

I aint perfect yet, and may never be. In fact, I will NEVER be perfect! LOL! I am human with faults and issues that have nothing much to do with benzos.

In fact, I am currently facing other serious health issues that have nothing to do with benzos but do have to do with my OTHER addictions, ie smoking and drinking in the past. I will get through this too. Wont be easy. I have only smoked 2 cigarettes a day for a week. I am using an ECig. The big vape things were TOO much smoke stuff. I just want to no longer be dependant on nicotine. All it did was hurt me.

I see the Heme Doc in March. I have polycythemia. Probably due to smoking and drinking over the years. I could have a weird sort of blood cancr, but the treatment for all of this stuff is easy: quit smoking. Quit drinking at all. Blood lettings. Low dose aspirin. I have already started to do these things. Life goes on no matter what! You just have to make the most of your life AS IT IS, and do not look back with regrets.

Amen.

Love you all.

 

[[Ma...]]

Riverwolfe was one of my real heros when I was at my worst. I clung to his words. They slowly began to make sense as my brain began to heal a bit.

An intelligent person wants to understand what happened to them. How did this misery come about? You start doing "research." Some of it may be worthless. Some may have some truth to it but at first you do not know who to trust.

 

NM: picture this. Back then I weighed 85 lbs. I looked like a stick with big breasts. I was sitting on my sofa, my 5 cats all around me but at that time I could not see tham as comfort. I was too out of it. I was scared of everything around me. Everything. I know that sounds unreal but it was exactly how I felt then. Every single thing scared me. Imagine that, can you? It was un bearable. I held on and held on and hoped that I wasnt insane, although I truly thought I was. I had almost every possible symptom. Mental and physical. I clung to life. I hoped I would get better.

It wasnt until I found BB that I slowly began the long journey out. I am a person who thrives on KNOWING things. I slowly read through stuff here and slowly it began to make some sense to me. I still could not believe WD could be that bad. But it can be and it was, for me.

 

Over long months I hung on. I learned some things that helped me cope with symptoms. Deep belly breathing worked for anxiety, at least a little bit. Distraction definitly helped and became my "modis operandi". I was always trying to distract myself.

 

Time went by slowly slowly....horribly slowly. Over that first year I clung to life. BB was my lifeboat. Without BB I would have gone overboard and drowned. I just had to hang on because I dimly sensed life COULD be better once  healed. It was an enormous leap of faith to believe and trust what I read here on BB! HUGE! But it turned out to be true.

I aint perfect yet, and may never be. In fact, I will NEVER be perfect! LOL! I am human with faults and issues that have nothing much to do with benzos.

In fact, I am currently facing other serious health issues that have nothing to do with benzos but do have to do with my OTHER addictions, ie smoking and drinking in the past. I will get through this too. Wont be easy. I have only smoked 2 cigarettes a day for a week. I am using an ECig. The big vape things were TOO much smoke stuff. I just want to no longer be dependant on nicotine. All it did was hurt me.

I see the Heme Doc in March. I have polycythemia. Probably due to smoking and drinking over the years. I could have a weird sort of blood cancr, but the treatment for all of this stuff is easy: quit smoking. Quit drinking at all. Blood lettings. Low dose aspirin. I have already started to do these things. Life goes on no matter what! You just have to make the most of your life AS IT IS, and do not look back with regrets.

Amen.

Love you all.

 

Great post Annie, you always give me hope

Love you and Bear, Mary

[Guest [NM...]]

Riverwolfe was one of my real heros when I was at my worst. I clung to his words. They slowly began to make sense as my brain began to heal a bit.

An intelligent person wants to understand what happened to them. How did this misery come about? You start doing "research." Some of it may be worthless. Some may have some truth to it but at first you do not know who to trust.

 

NM: picture this. Back then I weighed 85 lbs. I looked like a stick with big breasts. I was sitting on my sofa, my 5 cats all around me but at that time I could not see tham as comfort. I was too out of it. I was scared of everything around me. Everything. I know that sounds unreal but it was exactly how I felt then. Every single thing scared me. Imagine that, can you? It was un bearable. I held on and held on and hoped that I wasnt insane, although I truly thought I was. I had almost every possible symptom. Mental and physical. I clung to life. I hoped I would get better.

It wasnt until I found BB that I slowly began the long journey out. I am a person who thrives on KNOWING things. I slowly read through stuff here and slowly it began to make some sense to me. I still could not believe WD could be that bad. But it can be and it was, for me.

 

Over long months I hung on. I learned some things that helped me cope with symptoms. Deep belly breathing worked for anxiety, at least a little bit. Distraction definitly helped and became my "modis operandi". I was always trying to distract myself.

 

Time went by slowly slowly....horribly slowly. Over that first year I clung to life. BB was my lifeboat. Without BB I would have gone overboard and drowned. I just had to hang on because I dimly sensed life COULD be better once  healed. It was an enormous leap of faith to believe and trust what I read here on BB! HUGE! But it turned out to be true.

I aint perfect yet, and may never be. In fact, I will NEVER be perfect! LOL! I am human with faults and issues that have nothing much to do with benzos.

In fact, I am currently facing other serious health issues that have nothing to do with benzos but do have to do with my OTHER addictions, ie smoking and drinking in the past. I will get through this too. Wont be easy. I have only smoked 2 cigarettes a day for a week. I am using an ECig. The big vape things were TOO much smoke stuff. I just want to no longer be dependant on nicotine. All it did was hurt me.

I see the Heme Doc in March. I have polycythemia. Probably due to smoking and drinking over the years. I could have a weird sort of blood cancr, but the treatment for all of this stuff is easy: quit smoking. Quit drinking at all. Blood lettings. Low dose aspirin. I have already started to do these things. Life goes on no matter what! You just have to make the most of your life AS IT IS, and do not look back with regrets.

Amen.

Love you all.

 

Great post Annie, you always give me hope

Love you and Bear, Mary

 

Indeed... 😓 I’m sitting here just crying with gratitude. I’m very thankful that you made it through, Annie. I’m too brain dead to try to formulate more thoughts into words. Here’s to some restorative sleep tonight. And if not, acceptance that sleep will come sooner than later. ❣️

[[Vi...]]

Riverwolfe was one of my real heros when I was at my worst. I clung to his words. They slowly began to make sense as my brain began to heal a bit.

An intelligent person wants to understand what happened to them. How did this misery come about? You start doing "research." Some of it may be worthless. Some may have some truth to it but at first you do not know who to trust.

 

NM: picture this. Back then I weighed 85 lbs. I looked like a stick with big breasts. I was sitting on my sofa, my 5 cats all around me but at that time I could not see tham as comfort. I was too out of it. I was scared of everything around me. Everything. I know that sounds unreal but it was exactly how I felt then. Every single thing scared me. Imagine that, can you? It was un bearable. I held on and held on and hoped that I wasnt insane, although I truly thought I was. I had almost every possible symptom. Mental and physical. I clung to life. I hoped I would get better.

It wasnt until I found BB that I slowly began the long journey out. I am a person who thrives on KNOWING things. I slowly read through stuff here and slowly it began to make some sense to me. I still could not believe WD could be that bad. But it can be and it was, for me.

 

Over long months I hung on. I learned some things that helped me cope with symptoms. Deep belly breathing worked for anxiety, at least a little bit. Distraction definitly helped and became my "modis operandi". I was always trying to distract myself.

 

Time went by slowly slowly....horribly slowly. Over that first year I clung to life. BB was my lifeboat. Without BB I would have gone overboard and drowned. I just had to hang on because I dimly sensed life COULD be better once  healed. It was an enormous leap of faith to believe and trust what I read here on BB! HUGE! But it turned out to be true.

I aint perfect yet, and may never be. In fact, I will NEVER be perfect! LOL! I am human with faults and issues that have nothing much to do with benzos.

In fact, I am currently facing other serious health issues that have nothing to do with benzos but do have to do with my OTHER addictions, ie smoking and drinking in the past. I will get through this too. Wont be easy. I have only smoked 2 cigarettes a day for a week. I am using an ECig. The big vape things were TOO much smoke stuff. I just want to no longer be dependant on nicotine. All it did was hurt me.

I see the Heme Doc in March. I have polycythemia. Probably due to smoking and drinking over the years. I could have a weird sort of blood cancr, but the treatment for all of this stuff is easy: quit smoking. Quit drinking at all. Blood lettings. Low dose aspirin. I have already started to do these things. Life goes on no matter what! You just have to make the most of your life AS IT IS, and do not look back with regrets.

Amen.

Love you all.

This gives me some hope in my dark days. 31 months out and still suffering greatly totally bedridden, not able to work or do things.

I’m a short time user and never had anxiety or depression before benzo. I got it for sleep problems in peri menapouse. Im off remeron 12 months now and not taking any medication or supplements still suffering 24/7.

Your post give me some hope we all will heal, even my broken brain telling me different.

Can I ask you, did you had head symptoms and how long it last?

That’s my worst symptoms and loosing hope I ever will feel norms in my head.

Thank you

Vica