Eastcoast's Trip

[[Ma...]]

Yes, Thank YOU Mary! A friend in need is a friend indeed. I am not quitting smoking cold turkey. Already tried that and it did not work for THIS lady. I am using NJoys electronic cigs and they are helping. I smoke 3 cigs today. I usually smoke 10-12 (12 on rough days!) I am determined I can beat this stupid addiction.

 

NM: your feeling it may never end is extremely normal and common. If I had a PENNY for every time I have heard this, I would now be wealthy! There is something weird about benzo withdrawal that makes it much different from other drugs. Take narcotics: withdrawal lasts maybe a month and is mostly nasty physical stuff, nausea, diarrhea, etc. Alcohol is more like benzos but not exactly the same. Seizures are possible, some mental symptoms, and mostly physical, from what I have read. ADs are much like benzos. Benzos, for whatever reason can make you feel SO hopeless and lost that you DO being to wonder if it ever gets better. Wish I could explain this but I cannot. All I know is that you will heal and you will feel better, but only at your special rate and timing.

This was not a good money week. Only worked one day. The flu is rampant here now and two people cancelled because of it. Tomorrow I plan to kick myself inb the butt and call the Board of Nursing AND Barnes and Noble. I want to get my license back and I want my tablet back! I just HATE making those sorts of callds because I ternd to get sort of anxious and worried, especially about computer stuff.

I am also getting my hair cut tomorrow. I decided to - finally, oince and for all, go natural. My hair is currently short but I want to go shorter so the growing out period is lessened. The top of my head, and the front are mostly white now but the back is still almosty black. I wish there WAS a way to dye your hair light silver without ruining it, but there is no way. Once my hair IS my current natural color, I could use several ways (safely) to lighten it a bit. Ion makes a super pretty silver color. I cant wait to see how I REALLY look!

 

Bear is his usual adorable self. He has a "thing" about one of my purses, and today I decided to use that purse to get him to sleep in the nice wicker basket bed I gave him. It used to hold all the beads I collected during withdrawal. They now live in a big wicker chest instead of the basket. I put one of my towels in the big basket and my purse, because for some reason he LOVES that purse and always snuggles right into it. When I finally do learn how to post photos, I will post a photo of Bear ON that purse. Its the best photo I have taken of him.

annie

 

Annie, thank you for your support. ♥️

 

Oh I would love to see that picture of Bear.  Good job on the cigarettes!  Sorry work was so slow but you really don't need the flu.  I don't like to talk to tech people either, it's one of the few times I can feel totally stupid .  I hate that, now ask us a wd question and we'll show them    I would like to see how you do your hair too, sounds interesting.  If I ever get through wd, I may get  5 different color highlights to celebrate.  I kind of like that purple in my avatar  . Love you Annie and Bear, Mary 💚❤️💜 🐱🐾🐾🐾👜

[[ea...]]

Mary you are one truly likeable person. So glad we connected. Believe it or not I still sometimes need to be reminded of what I went through. Helping others here helps me too.

 

I just got a sort of nasty PM from someone. I wont share the details but will just say she does not plan to get off benzos at all. I tried to explain shy that is a bad idea. She just isn't ready to hear this.

I will let this one go because I KNOW I  tried my best.

 

 

Two cigarettes today. My E cig ran out of juice and I was pissed because I only used it TWO days. After getting my hair cut I  had to go to Walgreens and buy another. I am determined to beat smoking. I can already slightly feel a lessening of my urge to smoke. I think that is a very good thing.

 

Bear is asleep on the other chair. I noticed that the chair cushion is beginning to be THICK with 7Bear hairs! Tomorrow or Sunday I will have to de-fur it. Bear sheds more than normal. He has a very thick dense coat with a lot of guard hairs. His coat feels so  lovely to touch. But the result is a helluva LOT of Bear hairs!!!! If I don't vacuum every couple days, my entire apartment would be dark gray and black. LOL! Life with cats...…

 

[[Ma...]]

Mary you are one truly likeable person. So glad we connected. Believe it or not I still sometimes need to be reminded of what I went through. Helping others here helps me too.

 

I just got a sort of nasty PM from someone. I wont share the details but will just say she does not plan to get off benzos at all. I tried to explain shy that is a bad idea. She just isn't ready to hear this.

I will let this one go because I KNOW I  tried my best.

 

 

Two cigarettes today. My E cig ran out of juice and I was pissed because I only used it TWO days. After getting my hair cut I  had to go to Walgreens and buy another. I am determined to beat smoking. I can already slightly feel a lessening of my urge to smoke. I think that is a very good thing.

 

Bear is asleep on the other chair. I noticed that the chair cushion is beginning to be THICK with 7Bear hairs! Tomorrow or Sunday I will have to de-fur it. Bear sheds more than normal. He has a very thick dense coat with a lot of guard hairs. His coat feels so  lovely to touch. But the result is a helluva LOT of Bear hairs!!!! If I don't vacuum every couple days, my entire apartment would be dark gray and black. LOL! Life with cats...…

 

How do you like your cut?  Be careful with those vamps, some catch on fire.  Rub that beautiful pussycat for me

[[ea...]]

I'm just using electronic cigs, not a big vape thing. I tried those and it was TOO much vape for this little old lady. The Ecigs work fine. I and  have only had 1.5 cigs today and may end up only have 2. That's pretty damn good.

 

 

I don't like my hair cut. My hair guy, Otillio, is losing his touch. The last three cuts he did for me were not right. Its kinda weird because for over a year and a half, he always cut my hair really well. I think I will have to start asking around to find someone else. I do that by asking other women with short curly hair that looks good who THEY go to. Otillio is a nice man and I will miss him but I need good hair cuts!! LOL!

But I can live with this haircut, because in 3 weeks it will have grown out a bit and soften the look up.

 

 

It is cold here for Florida plus its drizzling rain. UGH. I got my laundry done today (I have an OUTDOORS laundry room, not unusual in Florida, but still weird to me-). Nothing worse than trying to do laundry in pouring rain and that is what its supposed to do all day tomorrow. YUCK!

 

I heard back from the person I mentioned below. She was highly pissed at me for telling her the truth as I see it. I was offended, and a bit annoyed but then I realized that this person is not thinking straight or well and it isn't her fault. Its the drugs she takes. She accused me of climbing on a soapbox! LOL! Almost all of us feel compelled to climb on a soapbox over benzos and psych drugs.

[[Ma...]]

I'm just using electronic cigs, not a big vape thing. I tried those and it was TOO much vape for this little old lady. The Ecigs work fine. I and  have only had 1.5 cigs today and may end up only have 2. That's pretty damn good.

 

 

I don't like my hair cut. My hair guy, Otillio, is losing his touch. The last three cuts he did for me were not right. Its kinda weird because for over a year and a half, he always cut my hair really well. I think I will have to start asking around to find someone else. I do that by asking other women with short curly hair that looks good who THEY go to. Otillio is a nice man and I will miss him but I need good hair cuts!! LOL!

But I can live with this haircut, because in 3 weeks it will have grown out a bit and soften the look up.

 

 

It is cold here for Florida plus its drizzling rain. UGH. I got my laundry done today (I have an OUTDOORS laundry room, not unusual in Florida, but still weird to me-). Nothing worse than trying to do laundry in pouring rain and that is what its supposed to do all day tomorrow. YUCK!

 

I heard back from the person I mentioned below. She was highly pissed at me for telling her the truth as I see it. I was offended, and a bit annoyed but then I realized that this person is not thinking straight or well and it isn't her fault. Its the drugs she takes. She accused me of climbing on a soapbox! LOL! Almost all of us feel compelled to climb on a soapbox over benzos and psych drugs.

 

Good for you Annie.  I could use some curl in my hair but it's shoulder length and I keep it in a face frame.  Easy to take care of.  I am sorry you hate Florida so much.  I wish you could move.  Get those license back and save some money so you can move.  I don't get mad at any of them, I just back out of the conversation.  There are too many that need help to spend mt time argument with someone that does want to listen.  Love you Annie and Bear, you have a relaxing evening with that pussycat , Kathy 🐱🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾

[[ea...]]

Always good to hear from you, friend.

 

I am concerned about several members right now. Both are truly having a hard time of it and both, I think, are seriously considering giving up.

Thus I am bumping my story up.

 

Feeling hopeless is SO normal for this stuff. I honestly think that almost EVERYONE who gets off benzos feels like that. You truly start to think you have some awful disease, or worse, lost your mind. I remember some things RiverWolfe wrote a few years ago on his SS.  "The Benzo Lies." I cannot recall much of it but it sure made sense to me even back then. I hope to  find some time to find that part of his SS because I think it would help a LOT of you.

I have a few minutes now so will try to find it.

 

[[ea...]]

ARRGGHHH! I love BB but its search engine stinks. I looked for his SS and found ONE of them. He wrote two and its the OTHER one that The Benzo Lies was in. I tried just searching for "the benzo lies" and got back some neat stuff but not his.

[Guest [NM...]]

ARRGGHHH! I love BB but its search engine stinks. I looked for his SS and found ONE of them. He wrote two and its the OTHER one that The Benzo Lies was in. I tried just searching for "the benzo lies" and got back some neat stuff but not his.

 

Thank you Annie. Rough day. Lots of dp/dr. Praying for sleep...

[[...]]

Annie, just checking in after a long time. I need to check up on a few old friends in this place!

 

I think you were the first person who talked to me back in April-May of 2013. I'm mostly fine now. Have some mild waves now and then that come out of nowhere, but nothing big I can't handle. I'd say I'm really close to 100% these days. Great seeing your presence here again!

 

Gaer

[[Ch...]]

I think this is what you were after, Annie:

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=87594.0

[[ea...]]

First of all, HI GAER!!! So glad you are okay. It has been a really long strange trip for so many of us.

 

 

Chgrril, NOPE. Not what I was looking for. Itr was written on one of RiverWolfes TWO Success Stories. And I cannot find the second one. But thank you sop much for trying! BB is a wonderful place but technically it can be difficult to find things.

His piece on Benzo Lies was simple, but I do not remember it all. Here is what I DO remember:

Benzos lie to us. When we take them, we feel just fine so we keep on going and keep on taking benzos. Benzos "help" you sleep, "help" you cope with anxiety, etc. But all of it is a total lie. All benzos do is slowly do damage to your healthy brain. And when you try to get OFF benzos, another lie is that "you cannot take it." You wonder if you CAN heal. You question what you read here on BB and worry that BB doesn't tell you the truth. The benzo lies tell you that you are much "sicker" than anyone else here. You consider suicide, if its really bad. You struggle and struggle and the benzos tell you that you wont make it. You consider reinstating. You even consider leaving BB, because of those Benzo Lies. No matter what you read here, you don't quite believe it. That is a benzo lie. Benzos, when you take them, just "feel nice." Relaxed, able to sleep. So you buy into their lies. Just as I did. But when you decide, for whatever reason fits your story, to get off benzos, that is when the true shit hits the fan and those benzo lies start kicking your butt. You question everything. You are so scared and so unsure what to believe. You feel SO horrible, with multiple symptoms of all kinds....no wonder you have a hard time believing that you will heal from this! Good Lord, Benzo withdrawal can test your entire self!!! Those that somehow resist reinstating, may be in for a rough ride. But it is SO SO worth it. Benzos will lie to you all the way through withdrawal. This makes it hard to deal with it all. You WANT to believe in what you read here, but the benzos tell you not to. You just keep going, on hope and a prayer. Inch by inch you go forward into a new day and new life.

I liken BWD to being in a horrific maze. A maze solely designed to terrify you. The benzo lies will urge you, over and over, to give up and reinstate. But some tiny voice is telling you to resist this. This maze is SO scary, with twists and turns and NO relief at all from the crazy and unpleasant stuff you are trying to deal with night and day.

You desperately want OUT of this awful maze but finding your way is terribly slow and horribly frightening. The benzos keep lying to you, urging you to updose, to reinstate, to give up trying. But that teensy voice in your head keeps telling to keep on going no matter what. Inch by inch you work your way through that horrible maze. Everything around you is menacing, foreign, just weird. You keep on going, minute by minute and ever so slowly, ever so painfully, you find your way out of that awful maze. Benzos will lie to every single step of the way. Benzos will tell you that you will NEVER get off them and that you SHOULDNT get off them. You "NEED" them. That is the worst benzo lie, that you NEED a drug to get you through life's everyday problems. Normal people do not NEED a drug to help them, do they??? Benzos will tell you that getting off them is to difficult, so maybe you do not try to. Benzos will tell you that because you feel better when you take them, you SHOULD take them.

 

There is more to this but because I am a bit tired I am gonna leave it at that. If anyone can find RiverWolfes stuff on this, do let me know. It sure helped me.

Doubt I am alone.

 

I am losing track of days but think this is Day 5 of quitting smoking. Only 2 today. First in the morning, with my coffee and the second in the pm. I used the Ecig today. It does work. So much of smoking is a mental habit. You associat7e lighting up with many things. After eating. On the phone. Driving the car. BLAH blah blah....tiresome and so dumb.

I just have to keep going with this. Nicotine is perhaps even MORE addictive than benzos. And the results can be just as awful. Benzos can kill you, can give you such halth problems you WISH you were dead, and smoking WILL kill you. UGH. Why God made me such an addictive personality..... well. that is just MY lot on this life.

 

Jackie Bear is snoozing on the other chair. Soft and beautiful. What a lovely cat he is. The perfect cat for me now. I am so glad he chose ME and no one else. I am SO glad I crossed the street to meet a new neighbor and in doing so met the best cat ever. God does work in mysterious ways.

[[Ma...]]

First of all, HI GAER!!! So glad you are okay. It has been a really long strange trip for so many of us.

 

 

Chgrril, NOPE. Not what I was looking for. Itr was written on one of RiverWolfes TWO Success Stories. And I cannot find the second one. But thank you sop much for trying! BB is a wonderful place but technically it can be difficult to find things.

His piece on Benzo Lies was simple, but I do not remember it all. Here is what I DO remember:

Benzos lie to us. When we take them, we feel just fine so we keep on going and keep on taking benzos. Benzos "help" you sleep, "help" you cope with anxiety, etc. But all of it is a total lie. All benzos do is slowly do damage to your healthy brain. And when you try to get OFF benzos, another lie is that "you cannot take it." You wonder if you CAN heal. You question what you read here on BB and worry that BB doesn't tell you the truth. The benzo lies tell you that you are much "sicker" than anyone else here. You consider suicide, if its really bad. You struggle and struggle and the benzos tell you that you wont make it. You consider reinstating. You even consider leaving BB, because of those Benzo Lies. No matter what you read here, you don't quite believe it. That is a benzo lie. Benzos, when you take them, just "feel nice." Relaxed, able to sleep. So you buy into their lies. Just as I did. But when you decide, for whatever reason fits your story, to get off benzos, that is when the true shit hits the fan and those benzo lies start kicking your butt. You question everything. You are so scared and so unsure what to believe. You feel SO horrible, with multiple symptoms of all kinds....no wonder you have a hard time believing that you will heal from this! Good Lord, Benzo withdrawal can test your entire self!!! Those that somehow resist reinstating, may be in for a rough ride. But it is SO SO worth it. Benzos will lie to you all the way through withdrawal. This makes it hard to deal with it all. You WANT to believe in what you read here, but the benzos tell you not to. You just keep going, on hope and a prayer. Inch by inch you go forward into a new day and new life.

I liken BWD to being in a horrific maze. A maze solely designed to terrify you. The benzo lies will urge you, over and over, to give up and reinstate. But some tiny voice is telling you to resist this. This maze is SO scary, with twists and turns and NO relief at all from the crazy and unpleasant stuff you are trying to deal with night and day.

You desperately want OUT of this awful maze but finding your way is terribly slow and horribly frightening. The benzos keep lying to you, urging you to updose, to reinstate, to give up trying. But that teensy voice in your head keeps telling to keep on going no matter what. Inch by inch you work your way through that horrible maze. Everything around you is menacing, foreign, just weird. You keep on going, minute by minute and ever so slowly, ever so painfully, you find your way out of that awful maze. Benzos will lie to every single step of the way. Benzos will tell you that you will NEVER get off them and that you SHOULDNT get off them. You "NEED" them. That is the worst benzo lie, that you NEED a drug to get you through life's everyday problems. Normal people do not NEED a drug to help them, do they??? Benzos will tell you that getting off them is to difficult, so maybe you do not try to. Benzos will tell you that because you feel better when you take them, you SHOULD take them.

 

There is more to this but because I am a bit tired I am gonna leave it at that. If anyone can find RiverWolfes stuff on this, do let me know. It sure helped me.

Doubt I am alone.

 

I am losing track of days but think this is Day 5 of quitting smoking. Only 2 today. First in the morning, with my coffee and the second in the pm. I used the Ecig today. It does work. So much of smoking is a mental habit. You associat7e lighting up with many things. After eating. On the phone. Driving the car. BLAH blah blah....tiresome and so dumb.

I just have to keep going with this. Nicotine is perhaps even MORE addictive than benzos. And the results can be just as awful. Benzos can kill you, can give you such halth problems you WISH you were dead, and smoking WILL kill you. UGH. Why God made me such an addictive personality..... well. that is just MY lot on this life.

 

Jackie Bear is snoozing on the other chair. Soft and beautiful. What a lovely cat he is. The perfect cat for me now. I am so glad he chose ME and no one else. I am SO glad I crossed the street to meet a new neighbor and in doing so met the best cat ever. God does work in mysterious ways.

 

Great post eastcoast or great memory.😀 Love you and Bear🐱🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾

[Guest [NM...]]

ARRGGHHH! I love BB but its search engine stinks. I looked for his SS and found ONE of them. He wrote two and its the OTHER one that The Benzo Lies was in. I tried just searching for "the benzo lies" and got back some neat stuff but not his.

.

Thank you for bringing this up & Mary, I’ll have to look back to see if you’re who posted the link. Good stuff. I’ve been in a place of panic, dissociation and depression. So much fear. So afraid this will be my new normal even though I have days of clarity to know that it’s benzo lies. 😓 Just chemical fears and lies. I’m down to .35 mg of Klonopin currently. I won’t stop. I won’t give up regardless of all of this.

[Guest [NM...]]

I think this is what you were after, Annie:

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=87594.0

 

Thank you for the link. 🙏🏻

[[ea...]]

That wasn't the link I was looking for but its a start. Just trying to understand how benzos lie to us is informative. It is a truly interesting way to look at benzos. I found it very helpful and also reassuring.

 

My customer today cancelled. I am annoyed and email him to say so. I had asked him to give me a key to his house and he hasn't done this yet. I was counting on that money to go towards my RN license. My email to him was nice and matter of fact, no nastiness from this old lady. Just the facts, M'aam.

 

006I clean a house that has 4 barky bnouncy dogs and one shy cat. Cannot stand the dogs; the smell makes me nauseous. No lie. Never liked doggy smell. But whern I leave the house will be clean, I promise you. It is a challenging job because her former cleaning lady did not do a good job at all. She never dustedf for one thing. Oh holy moly, was that place dusty the first time I cleaned it. ent through FOUR Swiffer dusters. That is a record. And I am still getting even more dust. The floors had been done poorly. She did not move the chairs outy of the dining room in order to mop it. Nor the dining area off the kitchen. Yes, they are heavy chairsd and a royal pain to shove around. But that is the right thing to do.

 

I meant to do my nursing CEUS today but got distracted by other things. The Ceus should ber easy, even for this old nurse who hasnt practiced since 2006. I've already paid for them. Cheap stuff. Ceus are now a joke. You can answer just about anything and get passed. I find this...horrifying. I am off Friday and can get them done then or Saturday.By the end of this week I shold have enough money to send in my renewal application. Even if I do not work as a nurse, I want to have it back. I struggled so hard to get it. I saw a job online that sounded interesting to me. Assitant Social Worker. In Florida they make about 28,000 a year as opposed to an Activities Assistant, who only makes about 24,000. I would be quite good with Social Work stuff.

I was talking to someone today about being a nurse. She told me that when she practiced, she was given a patient with scabies. She is allergic to the medications and shampoos for it so asked another nurse to take the patient. The nurse said okay, but then reported her (wrote her up) for "abandoning a patient." Tis is precisely the crap that goes on in Florida. The bad nurses figure out how to play the game, and hold onto their damn jobs. My friend got written up, which goes on your permanent record. She also said that this nurse barely  even went INTO that patients room all day. Who abandoned who here? HUH. This sort of stuff happened to me over and over. Of course, to be truthful I was also on a ton of benzos and not thinking as clearly as I should of. But I never hurt a patient because of it. I always pushed myseld to the limits. In nursing homes I was always the 3-11 Supervisor. A thankless position because you are expected to do EVERYTHING. ALL the admissions, which take almost an hour. Help the nurses and CNAs. Assist in the Dining Room. Deal with ALL the families and visitors, many of whom are upset, angry, worried, scared.

I remember one evening at one nusing home. Palm Gardens in Port St Lucie. I had already done several lengthy admission and had rushed around trying to get everytbing done and everyone safe, and a family showed up . ALL of them were super angry about something (I no longer remember what- nor does it mattter!) I sort of felt swarmed by angry relatives. I got them away from the Nursing Station, to a slightly more private place. I listened and tried to help, but wasnt getting anywhere. Suddenly, I felt weak and dizzy and then I blacked out. I remember I fell and my head smacked into the floor. Now, this is the FUNNY part: the family hovered around me, saying stuff like "Oh my god, we killed this poor lady!" "Why were you so rude to her? We may have injured her!" Even then I knew this was funny. I finally got to my feet with help and ended up going to the ER AFTER work. No damage just a goose egg on the back of my head. This stuff IS how being an RN can be in some places. Especially Florida.

 

I can laugh about this now. It was many years ago and now I am so different a person than I was then. No benzos on board has changed me so much. THAT is what you need to understand about this story.

 

 

[[Ma...]]

That wasn't the link I was looking for but its a start. Just trying to understand how benzos lie to us is informative. It is a truly interesting way to look at benzos. I found it very helpful and also reassuring.

 

My customer today cancelled. I am annoyed and email him to say so. I had asked him to give me a key to his house and he hasn't done this yet. I was counting on that money to go towards my RN license. My email to him was nice and matter of fact, no nastiness from this old lady. Just the facts, M'aam.

 

006I clean a house that has 4 barky bnouncy dogs and one shy cat. Cannot stand the dogs; the smell makes me nauseous. No lie. Never liked doggy smell. But whern I leave the house will be clean, I promise you. It is a challenging job because her former cleaning lady did not do a good job at all. She never dustedf for one thing. Oh holy moly, was that place dusty the first time I cleaned it. ent through FOUR Swiffer dusters. That is a record. And I am still getting even more dust. The floors had been done poorly. She did not move the chairs outy of the dining room in order to mop it. Nor the dining area off the kitchen. Yes, they are heavy chairsd and a royal pain to shove around. But that is the right thing to do.

 

I meant to do my nursing CEUS today but got distracted by other things. The Ceus should ber easy, even for this old nurse who hasnt practiced since 2006. I've already paid for them. Cheap stuff. Ceus are now a joke. You can answer just about anything and get passed. I find this...horrifying. I am off Friday and can get them done then or Saturday.By the end of this week I shold have enough money to send in my renewal application. Even if I do not work as a nurse, I want to have it back. I struggled so hard to get it. I saw a job online that sounded interesting to me. Assitant Social Worker. In Florida they make about 28,000 a year as opposed to an Activities Assistant, who only makes about 24,000. I would be quite good with Social Work stuff.

I was talking to someone today about being a nurse. She told me that when she practiced, she was given a patient with scabies. She is allergic to the medications and shampoos for it so asked another nurse to take the patient. The nurse said okay, but then reported her (wrote her up) for "abandoning a patient." Tis is precisely the crap that goes on in Florida. The bad nurses figure out how to play the game, and hold onto their damn jobs. My friend got written up, which goes on your permanent record. She also said that this nurse barely  even went INTO that patients room all day. Who abandoned who here? HUH. This sort of stuff happened to me over and over. Of course, to be truthful I was also on a ton of benzos and not thinking as clearly as I should of. But I never hurt a patient because of it. I always pushed myseld to the limits. In nursing homes I was always the 3-11 Supervisor. A thankless position because you are expected to do EVERYTHING. ALL the admissions, which take almost an hour. Help the nurses and CNAs. Assist in the Dining Room. Deal with ALL the families and visitors, many of whom are upset, angry, worried, scared.

I remember one evening at one nusing home. Palm Gardens in Port St Lucie. I had already done several lengthy admission and had rushed around trying to get everytbing done and everyone safe, and a family showed up . ALL of them were super angry about something (I no longer remember what- nor does it mattter!) I sort of felt swarmed by angry relatives. I got them away from the Nursing Station, to a slightly more private place. I listened and tried to help, but wasnt getting anywhere. Suddenly, I felt weak and dizzy and then I blacked out. I remember I fell and my head smacked into the floor. Now, this is the FUNNY part: the family hovered around me, saying stuff like "Oh my god, we killed this poor lady!" "Why were you so rude to her? We may have injured her!" Even then I knew this was funny. I finally got to my feet with help and ended up going to the ER AFTER work. No damage just a goose egg on the back of my head. This stuff IS how being an RN can be in some places. Especially Florida.

 

I can laugh about this now. It was many years ago and now I am so different a person than I was then. No benzos on board has changed me so much. THAT is what you need to understand about this story.

 

Well, I don't think that's funny at all .  But the social work, I think you would be fabulous at.  Sorry your client cancelled at the last minute, that sucks.  People are so inconsiderate sometimes 

That pisses me off for you.

 

Love you and Bear, Mary

[[ea...]]

In this line of work it happens. I got over this. Today was a decent day and I know I did an outstanding job in a very challenging house. The home has 3 adults, one "part time" baby (11 months old, granddaughter) and 4 animals. Three large bouncy messy dogs and one fluffy little cat. The dog smell always overwhelms me for a while. I truly detest dog smell. Always have!

The entire floor was (as usual) covered in scraps of paper, tons of animal and human hair/fur and god knows what else. The master bath shower is broken so everyone is using the one other bathroom. Her son, who has ADD, is a mechanic and there are always grease spots on stuff. Yikes, that house IS challenging, but I really like the lady. She is in her 50's and does not look it. A tiny dynamo of a woman, so much energy. Yet she feels she just has to do it all, and does not demand help from her husband or son. I know she nags them but nagging never works. She works full time for the Post Office. She had breast cancer and recovered, and is now driven to make everything "just right." Been there, done that. Most women do.

For some reason, our conversation turned to my telling her very briefly what I went through. I t was because she told me what drugs her son is on. Adderal and something else icky. Telling a customer a bit about BWD can be tricky because some people are gonna assume you are a "drug addict" with addictive behavior issues...ie stealing. I pick and chose who I tell any of that stuff to. I no longer have a burning need to "preach" to people. They just wont believe you!

Bear was so lovely this morning. I sort of overslept on purpose ( a 10 minute snooze thing). He curled up on my tummy and I stroked his adorable little face, with him purring so loudly my hand vibrated. THAT is a wonderful way to start your day! I actually felt guilty moving him aside to get up.

I am getting a bit concerned about his weight. He is not obese and I do not want that to happen! I am trying to limit his treats. I mix his meds into wet treats, and he does not eat the fish or chicken bits, just the "gravy." But  that gravy has calories. I do not want Bear to become Oscar, the 31 lb cat of another customer. He is obese I shed tears watching him try to climb the stairs. Cats do not get obese without a LOT of help from their human. In fact, it is ALWAYS their human's fault if it happens. Oscar's Mom is concerned but may lack the strength to continue to feed him any less. I had another customer lose an obese cat this year. He weight maybe 28 lbs. He dropped dead of a heart attack or stroke. So sad. We humans love our animals so sometimes we spoil them.....to death. Do not want to do that to my Bear.

[[ea...]]

At times I do get frustrated by peoples attitudes about drugs. A doctor tells you that you "nned" take this drug or that drug, so you just blindly trust them. HUGE mistake. It was that sort of thinking that got us all into such huge trouble!

 

So what if you haven't slept in a couple weeks or even a month? This will not kill you no matter what you think. Do you research and discover more about the human brain and how it protects you from lack of sleep stuff! Never ever again think some drug or some pill will solve this! You just have to tough it out and learn to sleep naturally. People like me can make good suggestions, but only you will find out which stuff works for you.

I have had more than 3 people PM me recently about this. One was put on Zyprexa (antipsychotic) and Remeron. One was put on Ambien! Oh holy Christ what a mess. I have forgotten what the third was put on but none of these people did their own research before taking the new drug.

 

You are responsible for what happens to you in health care. ONLY you controls your health care no matter what some damn doctor tells you!

Yes I am angry right now and rightfully so. I was just like you guys. I trusted doctors. Even though I am an RN and actually DO know better (LOL!) I trusted them. Oh heck, trusting doctors was one of my biggest error in thinking. It will never happen again.

I may be facing a bone marrow aspiration. I REFUSE to have this awful painful procedure done. All it would do is confirm if I do have a rare blood cancer, for which there is NO treatment except low dose aspirin and occasion blood removals. To hell with having a truly awful test done for no reason except for the doctor to protect his own ass. I have already put myself on the low dose aspirin and am quitting smoking. Two cigs a day for? t5 days now? I am not really keeping track. The Ecigs do help. They are not as "satisfying" as a real one but screw that notion. I have to just get over that. Quitting smoking is something I simply have to do if I don't want to die before I am maybe 78. Period.

 

Bear has been so deliciously catlike lately. That facer, that face! He has the most delicate, soft looking face I have ever seen on a cat. Once I learn the computer photo stuff I will try to show you guys this. I know its subjective but everyone who has seen my Bear feels much as I do. The classic triangle sort of cat face. His eyes are extra large and yellow. He has a large nose, and the perfect ":M" of a tabby cat. He is black and gray, what they call a Mackeral Tabby. He has some white stripes on his face which seem to point towards his eyes. To a bird or mouse, he would look scary and Nature devised this on purpose. I always say he has eye makeup - eyeliner. His chin is pointed and so soft and gentle looking. His fur is dense and incredibly soft. This is one thoroughly lovely and adorable cat.

Cat people are different.

Yes we are.

[Guest [NM...]]

First of all, HI GAER!!! So glad you are okay. It has been a really long strange trip for so many of us.

 

 

Chgrril, NOPE. Not what I was looking for. Itr was written on one of RiverWolfes TWO Success Stories. And I cannot find the second one. But thank you sop much for trying! BB is a wonderful place but technically it can be difficult to find things.

His piece on Benzo Lies was simple, but I do not remember it all. Here is what I DO remember:

Benzos lie to us. When we take them, we feel just fine so we keep on going and keep on taking benzos. Benzos "help" you sleep, "help" you cope with anxiety, etc. But all of it is a total lie. All benzos do is slowly do damage to your healthy brain. And when you try to get OFF benzos, another lie is that "you cannot take it." You wonder if you CAN heal. You question what you read here on BB and worry that BB doesn't tell you the truth. The benzo lies tell you that you are much "sicker" than anyone else here. You consider suicide, if its really bad. You struggle and struggle and the benzos tell you that you wont make it. You consider reinstating. You even consider leaving BB, because of those Benzo Lies. No matter what you read here, you don't quite believe it. That is a benzo lie. Benzos, when you take them, just "feel nice." Relaxed, able to sleep. So you buy into their lies. Just as I did. But when you decide, for whatever reason fits your story, to get off benzos, that is when the true shit hits the fan and those benzo lies start kicking your butt. You question everything. You are so scared and so unsure what to believe. You feel SO horrible, with multiple symptoms of all kinds....no wonder you have a hard time believing that you will heal from this! Good Lord, Benzo withdrawal can test your entire self!!! Those that somehow resist reinstating, may be in for a rough ride. But it is SO SO worth it. Benzos will lie to you all the way through withdrawal. This makes it hard to deal with it all. You WANT to believe in what you read here, but the benzos tell you not to. You just keep going, on hope and a prayer. Inch by inch you go forward into a new day and new life.

I liken BWD to being in a horrific maze. A maze solely designed to terrify you. The benzo lies will urge you, over and over, to give up and reinstate. But some tiny voice is telling you to resist this. This maze is SO scary, with twists and turns and NO relief at all from the crazy and unpleasant stuff you are trying to deal with night and day.

You desperately want OUT of this awful maze but finding your way is terribly slow and horribly frightening. The benzos keep lying to you, urging you to updose, to reinstate, to give up trying. But that teensy voice in your head keeps telling to keep on going no matter what. Inch by inch you work your way through that horrible maze. Everything around you is menacing, foreign, just weird. You keep on going, minute by minute and ever so slowly, ever so painfully, you find your way out of that awful maze. Benzos will lie to every single step of the way. Benzos will tell you that you will NEVER get off them and that you SHOULDNT get off them. You "NEED" them. That is the worst benzo lie, that you NEED a drug to get you through life's everyday problems. Normal people do not NEED a drug to help them, do they??? Benzos will tell you that getting off them is to difficult, so maybe you do not try to. Benzos will tell you that because you feel better when you take them, you SHOULD take them.

 

There is more to this but because I am a bit tired I am gonna leave it at that. If anyone can find RiverWolfes stuff on this, do let me know. It sure helped me.

Doubt I am alone.

 

I am losing track of days but think this is Day 5 of quitting smoking. Only 2 today. First in the morning, with my coffee and the second in the pm. I used the Ecig today. It does work. So much of smoking is a mental habit. You associat7e lighting up with many things. After eating. On the phone. Driving the car. BLAH blah blah....tiresome and so dumb.

I just have to keep going with this. Nicotine is perhaps even MORE addictive than benzos. And the results can be just as awful. Benzos can kill you, can give you such halth problems you WISH you were dead, and smoking WILL kill you. UGH. Why God made me such an addictive personality..... well. that is just MY lot on this life.

 

Jackie Bear is snoozing on the other chair. Soft and beautiful. What a lovely cat he is. The perfect cat for me now. I am so glad he chose ME and no one else. I am SO glad I crossed the street to meet a new neighbor and in doing so met the best cat ever. God does work in mysterious ways.

 

You can do it, Annie!! You got through benzo withdrawal, you can beat cigarettes!! I did it; you can!! Thank you for bringing up River Wolf. I read his blog and it was so encouraging. I feel some peace tonight that I haven’t in some time...

[[ea...]]

If you find the pages where he spoke about Benzo Lies bookmark them and let me know. I want to read them again as several of our members are struggling right now.

 

Got off work a bit early, went to Ulta and bought some expensive hair stuff. It was raining a little, ugh! When I got to my car I saw a large nail embedded in my left front tire. OH DEAR! I drove two blocks to the Goodyear place I use. The tire was not fixable and it was only one year old. USA government put out new rules for patching tires and my nail was NOT in the good zone. I am now $225 poorer, but it went on my Goodyear credit card. I am STILL Paying off the two tires I bought last January!!! However, THIS time I did spend the $50 for extended warrenty on the two front tires.

 

Whatever. I still plan to do the CEUS and send the check for $225 to the FL Board of Licensure. THIS weekend. I want to be done with this and feel free to decide what the heck I want to do. I Know I want my RN back! I have always been proud of the years putting myself through college for it. Graduating in the upper 2%. It was a struggle. But I did it and became an RN.

 

I am finally home now. Bear is snoozing on the other chair. I gave him his wet treat (with the med mixed in.) I just adore this special cat. There really is something different about him and I am still not sure what it is. ALL cats are interesting and different in many ways. None are alike. They are such clean animals, covering their feces and urine, washing them selves. My vet said Bear unblocked HIMSELF 3 times by vigorously washing is private parts. I remember watching him do that and it was a red flag to me. He couldnt totally unblock his urethra, but partially is a good thing. A total blockage will kill a male cat, in about 24 hours. Oh how awful that must be.

[[ea...]]

Bump for a new friend...…

This site can be confusing to a brain healing from benzos. I found it challenging for quite a while. Now I know BB like the back of my left hand (I am a leftie).

A damp drizzly gray day here in yucky Florida. Temp was about 67 all day. I went to a Goodwill store and got a couple nice stuff to replace the stuff I gave to the Humane Society Thrift Shop. Annie's recycling program! I love having pretty stuff to wear. They may not be new but they sure are nice to wear and see. When I get bored with something, I put it all into Dollar Tree trash bags and haul it all to the Humane Society thrift Shop. ANYTHING to help homeless, neglected or abused animals. That is MY cause. What's yours?

Part of recovery is giving back. (Sone call it 'paying it forward.") I prefer to say give back. BB saved me life. I know this without a bit of doubt. I OWE BB a lot, and do it by staying on here despite being healed. The debt I owe BB is enormous. How do you repay someone/something for saving your very life???

BUMP!

and smile

[[ea...]]

I wrote out a bunch of stuff here and that damn computer gremlin disappeared it all.

 

Seems that being "Protracted" is a bigger issue here than maybe I thought. I think that a LOT of us worry about this but are afraid of expressing it, because we sense that BB does not think many people are protracted.

Here is what I think, right or wrong:

 

I think a very few people are ultra sensitive to benzos and ADs and CAN have protracted WD symptoms. I guess I would be one of them but in such a minor way that I choose NOT to view myself as Protracted. I prefer to stay positive about this stuff.

 

I think that when someone claims to be severely protracted, you have to look at other issues. Is this person being honest about what drugs they currently DO take???How do you know they are being totally honest? You cant. Forums like this can and do allow some people to kinda bullshit their way through, and if it makes them happy to scare others, they do this. Misery loves company...? This is not a normal happy person in any way. Whenever you read a post and you find yourself wondering if they are telling the entire truth, TRUST your instincts.

I realize that this opinion is a bit radical for BB. I do not care now. I went through it all, survived and managed to thrive by trusting several things. My own mind, the general advice I got here on BB, and information I got on other benzo sites. I combined it all and managed to get through a particularly bad withdrawal.

I am not suggesting you assume everyone on BB is lying. The vast majority are not. In fact, the opposite  is true. Describing WD symptoms is very difficult. Describing HELL is difficult. We try to describe this stuff but language doesn't quite let us. The majority of people on BB are decent good people like you, trying to recover from an injury caused by a drug.

What I AM saying is that SOME people on forums like this have OTHER problems completely unrelated to benzos. Perhaps they are still on SSRIs, which can cause some pretty severe damage too. Perhaps they are on antipsychotics, or other drugs that are used to treat mental disorders. You have no way of knowing someones history when online. You have to trust your own senses no matter how messed they may be right now. Your brain has NOT gone to sleep, it is just healing and it still thinks and perceives.

 

Okay enough. I have some issues in mind but may not be expressing them the right way. I am tired and Bear wants to be cuddled.

Let the cuddling begin!

[[...]]

First of all, HI GAER!!! So glad you are okay. It has been a really long strange trip for so many of us.

That's an understatement.

 

To this moment I can't believe that I stopped Klonopin, after taking it for 35 years, and had NO idea what would follow. People here were horrified that I went cold turkey, and with very good reason. I came here because a friend was concerned and found this site. She warned me that I might be in for way more than I had planned!!!

 

So great to see you still here and posting!

 

Gaer

 

 

Chgrril, NOPE. Not what I was looking for. Itr was written on one of RiverWolfes TWO Success Stories. And I cannot find the second one. But thank you sop much for trying! BB is a wonderful place but technically it can be difficult to find things.

His piece on Benzo Lies was simple, but I do not remember it all. Here is what I DO remember:

Benzos lie to us. When we take them, we feel just fine so we keep on going and keep on taking benzos. Benzos "help" you sleep, "help" you cope with anxiety, etc. But all of it is a total lie. All benzos do is slowly do damage to your healthy brain. And when you try to get OFF benzos, another lie is that "you cannot take it." You wonder if you CAN heal. You question what you read here on BB and worry that BB doesn't tell you the truth. The benzo lies tell you that you are much "sicker" than anyone else here. You consider suicide, if its really bad. You struggle and struggle and the benzos tell you that you wont make it. You consider reinstating. You even consider leaving BB, because of those Benzo Lies. No matter what you read here, you don't quite believe it. That is a benzo lie. Benzos, when you take them, just "feel nice." Relaxed, able to sleep. So you buy into their lies. Just as I did. But when you decide, for whatever reason fits your story, to get off benzos, that is when the true shit hits the fan and those benzo lies start kicking your butt. You question everything. You are so scared and so unsure what to believe. You feel SO horrible, with multiple symptoms of all kinds....no wonder you have a hard time believing that you will heal from this! Good Lord, Benzo withdrawal can test your entire self!!! Those that somehow resist reinstating, may be in for a rough ride. But it is SO SO worth it. Benzos will lie to you all the way through withdrawal. This makes it hard to deal with it all. You WANT to believe in what you read here, but the benzos tell you not to. You just keep going, on hope and a prayer. Inch by inch you go forward into a new day and new life.

I liken BWD to being in a horrific maze. A maze solely designed to terrify you. The benzo lies will urge you, over and over, to give up and reinstate. But some tiny voice is telling you to resist this. This maze is SO scary, with twists and turns and NO relief at all from the crazy and unpleasant stuff you are trying to deal with night and day.

You desperately want OUT of this awful maze but finding your way is terribly slow and horribly frightening. The benzos keep lying to you, urging you to updose, to reinstate, to give up trying. But that teensy voice in your head keeps telling to keep on going no matter what. Inch by inch you work your way through that horrible maze. Everything around you is menacing, foreign, just weird. You keep on going, minute by minute and ever so slowly, ever so painfully, you find your way out of that awful maze. Benzos will lie to every single step of the way. Benzos will tell you that you will NEVER get off them and that you SHOULDNT get off them. You "NEED" them. That is the worst benzo lie, that you NEED a drug to get you through life's everyday problems. Normal people do not NEED a drug to help them, do they??? Benzos will tell you that getting off them is to difficult, so maybe you do not try to. Benzos will tell you that because you feel better when you take them, you SHOULD take them.

 

There is more to this but because I am a bit tired I am gonna leave it at that. If anyone can find RiverWolfes stuff on this, do let me know. It sure helped me.

Doubt I am alone.

 

I am losing track of days but think this is Day 5 of quitting smoking. Only 2 today. First in the morning, with my coffee and the second in the pm. I used the Ecig today. It does work. So much of smoking is a mental habit. You associat7e lighting up with many things. After eating. On the phone. Driving the car. BLAH blah blah....tiresome and so dumb.

I just have to keep going with this. Nicotine is perhaps even MORE addictive than benzos. And the results can be just as awful. Benzos can kill you, can give you such halth problems you WISH you were dead, and smoking WILL kill you. UGH. Why God made me such an addictive personality..... well. that is just MY lot on this life.

 

Jackie Bear is snoozing on the other chair. Soft and beautiful. What a lovely cat he is. The perfect cat for me now. I am so glad he chose ME and no one else. I am SO glad I crossed the street to meet a new neighbor and in doing so met the best cat ever. God does work in mysterious ways.

[Guest [NM...]]

I wrote out a bunch of stuff here and that damn computer gremlin disappeared it all.

 

Seems that being "Protracted" is a bigger issue here than maybe I thought. I think that a LOT of us worry about this but are afraid of expressing it, because we sense that BB does not think many people are protracted.

Here is what I think, right or wrong:

 

I think a very few people are ultra sensitive to benzos and ADs and CAN have protracted WD symptoms. I guess I would be one of them but in such a minor way that I choose NOT to view myself as Protracted. I prefer to stay positive about this stuff.

 

I think that when someone claims to be severely protracted, you have to look at other issues. Is this person being honest about what drugs they currently DO take???How do you know they are being totally honest? You cant. Forums like this can and do allow some people to kinda bullshit their way through, and if it makes them happy to scare others, they do this. Misery loves company...? This is not a normal happy person in any way. Whenever you read a post and you find yourself wondering if they are telling the entire truth, TRUST your instincts.

I realize that this opinion is a bit radical for BB. I do not care now. I went through it all, survived and managed to thrive by trusting several things. My own mind, the general advice I got here on BB, and information I got on other benzo sites. I combined it all and managed to get through a particularly bad withdrawal.

I am not suggesting you assume everyone on BB is lying. The vast majority are not. In fact, the opposite  is true. Describing WD symptoms is very difficult. Describing HELL is difficult. We try to describe this stuff but language doesn't quite let us. The majority of people on BB are decent good people like you, trying to recover from an injury caused by a drug.

What I AM saying is that SOME people on forums like this have OTHER problems completely unrelated to benzos. Perhaps they are still on SSRIs, which can cause some pretty severe damage too. Perhaps they are on antipsychotics, or other drugs that are used to treat mental disorders. You have no way of knowing someones history when online. You have to trust your own senses no matter how messed they may be right now. Your brain has NOT gone to sleep, it is just healing and it still thinks and perceives.

 

Okay enough. I have some issues in mind but may not be expressing them the right way. I am tired and Bear wants to be cuddled.

Let the cuddling begin!

 

Regarding people who seem to never heal for so long, I always take into consideration the person's past (traumas, coping mechanisms etc.) and also the possibility of other drugs, even benzos, being involved.  Take it with a grain of salt.  Has this person had troubles before taking benzos? I did. I have a history of childhood abuse and a lifetime of anxiety and poor coping skills as a result.  In a general sense, I can compare myself to others, but we are all so vastly different in our life experiences and what we have currently going on. My husband and I have had a longstanding problem with our youngest child. He and his wife cut our family off when they had their first child 6 years ago. Traumatic beyond belief.  They came back into our lives 2.5 years later, only for us to discover they were abusing drugs, legal and illegal. There was domestic violence in their relationship and it extended to their children. It's been two years since we've seen or heard from them, and this has been a trauma as bad or worse IME than any we or I ever experienced....

I considered the first part of my taper relatively uneventful, if not completely stress-free.  No life is stress-free regardless of drugs taken or not.  I like to think of myself as a generally trusting person with a pretty huge dose of skepticism.  These super protracted stories have scared my in withdrawal, but that fear generally fades to the background soon enough.  The brain and mind are amazing and unfathomable things. 

[[ea...]]

NM, your life story is similar to mine. I have always figured that - yes, I was hurt at 8 years old. Badly so. It affected just about everything about me. But I am now an adult, in fact a SENIOR adult now! Old traumas have no say in how I am today. Yes. If not for that trauma, I might now be married or live with someone I really love and trust. Being hurt as I was made me too wary of men. Okay, that is life and I cannot spend any time fussing about that! What is done is done. Being abused affected me a lot. But I do not blame my abusing benzos and other drugs on it, although it may have played a role in this sort of behavior. I inherited my fathers obsessive-compulsive personality. He smoked and drank (a lot!) He also had weight issues and was overweight his whole life, just as I was. Couple this with a mother who was obsessive about weight issues and you begin to understand why self esteem problems plagued me for many years! I can laugh now, I do not cry over this stuff now. My mom was a troubled woman in a bad marriage and she tried to raise her kids right, but like most humans she made some big errors. I do not blame her for that.

 

 

Yes, Gaer, what I have said is an understatement. I still do not know how to adequately describe what I went through and I am sure you feel that way too. How do you describe being tortured by maybe 50 symptoms all at once??? Its impossible.

But it is over now.

annie