6-12 month thread....

[[MT...]]

Whew. Tough day here. I can hardly move and all my symptoms are stirred up. Like all of you, I just want to be better. I downvote waves.

 

MT

[[Sa...]]

MTfan,

 

Thanks for reminding that these are waves, nothing more.

It'll pass for sure, its always getting better.

Wish you all relief.

[[St...]]

Hey Saraa just wondered how that anti-depressant you recently started is working out for you? I remember you got some immediate relief from it, has that continued? Is it just depression that it has helped with or has it helped with some of your other withdrawal symptoms?

 

I have had an ear infection that then developed into a full on flu so i've been sick for about a month now and i'm literally just barely making it through each day at the moment. This is definitely the worst i've felt since jumping cold turkey a year ago it's so depressing going into Christmas feeling like this. The inner vibrations and toxic energy are just off the charts, it's there waiting for me when i wake up and it's there when i'm trying to fall asleep, just not getting ANY relief at the moment, it's exhausting.

 

[[Sa...]]

My reply disappeared?

 

Stuckindoors,

 

Sorry you are in a wave. 

I stopped AD after 11 days, couldn't tolerate the way i felt so i attributed to the AD and stopped it.

I too have the inner vibrations.  The CNS seems like its trying its best to heal. 

One thing ive heard from old folklore is that when someone got the flu, they came out of it feeling better.  Must have something to do with the immune system correcting itself.  I know that doesn't help the misery of the flu.  I hope you feel better with rest and good food.

Hang in there, its a slow recovery for us but it will happen for sure.

S

[[so...]]

I get the inner vibrations too!  Isn't it scary?  Like being on a vibrating bed!  I get it once a month for about 20 secs.

[[so...]]

I am so grateful to all of you for being here with me during this WD mess.  What would I do without your love and support and reassurance?  In the psyche ward, I guess.  Christmas obligations are tough.  It's revving us all up.

 

I love you all,

 

Sofa

[[Lo...]]

Hi everyone ,

 

Its good to hit 6 months as a milestone im happy to have made it this far but suffering. I thought i was doing well around 4-5 months but the last two weeks have been terrible, the fatigue/soreness has come back to the extreme to the point im nearly bedridden again and totally housebound. Is it normal to be totally wrecked again after doing so well? Ive been to ER and the doctors everything has been checked and came back all good. I guess i just need some reassuring being this fatigued is scary.

 

Thanks in advance

[[th...]]

Hi everyone ,

 

Its good to hit 6 months as a milestone im happy to have made it this far but suffering. I thought i was doing well around 4-5 months but the last two weeks have been terrible, the fatigue/soreness has come back to the extreme to the point im nearly bedridden again and totally housebound. Is it normal to be totally wrecked again after doing so well? Ive been to ER and the doctors everything has been checked and came back all good. I guess i just need some reassuring being this fatigued is scary.

 

Thanks in advance

 

Lockie,

I believe it is normal for that to happen, or at least I hope it is because I was hit hard in the 8th month and now am coming up on the 11th month and still struggling bad. Good to get checked out by your doc though just to be safe.

Grinch

 

[[St...]]

Thanks for your reply Saraa sorry those meds didn't work out for you...

 

Sofa i can't believe you only get the inner vibrations once a month i literally have them all day every day, if there's ever a moment in a day where i don't have them i'm surprised. They are so intense at the moment, they are maddening. It's like the only thing i can do is distract myself from them, but it seems at the moment the task of actually distracting myself is EXHAUSTING and as you know TV is still out of the question for me

 

Almost 13 months... this is all so depressing :'(

[[so...]]

Stuck,

 

It feels hopeless this far out to be so sick.  I'm having a bad day today.  Feeling generally unwell, drugged, heart palps, insomnia, the whole marching band.  Last night in bed I felt normal.  This is so weird and cruel.

[[MT...]]

Yep, this is cruel. Enhance interrogation techniques of everyone going through benzo wd. I'd confess to just about anything right now if it would lead to feeling better. Yes, officer, I did rob that jewelry store/I'm a communist/I'm from another planet. I wonder if I contacted some branch of law enforcement and confessed to anything if it would lead to sleep...and some energy.

 

After a couple of weeks of feeling some improvement and energy, I got all naive and stupid and thought I'd turned a corner. Dumb. Now it feels lousier to be back in a wave. So difficult to have hope but not get hoodwinked.

 

Nevertheless, we're getting there as we fight our way through one hour and day a time.

 

Courage.

[[...]]

I hear you MT.

 

I'm getting windows that I can make last up to 4 or 5 days, but only if I run the house like a prison camp in terms of schedules and stuff.

 

It doesn't seem to matter what I do after that, I slowly slip back into a wave anyways.  I can't seem to make a window stick open.

 

It's so discouraging every time things go tits up and I end up in bed.

 

 

Holidays are here and I gotta say I'm not loving it.    Shit is hitting the fan here relationship wise.

 

I will say that if I could confess to anything to make this hell end I would, but I'm starting to notice a change in my mental resolve now.  You know how they say people that come out of this process feeling super human.

 

I'm starting to run with that idea for better or worse.  Before all this I used to be a huge push-over.  I am entwined in a dysfunctional extended family who continues to operate based on not talking about problems and rather sweeping things under rugs.  That has reached into my immediate family and I've hit my breaking point.  I'm pissed.

 

I'm pissed with life and all the shit that's been thrown my way over the past year.  I'm pissed with this process and the state of my health.  I'm pissed with the state of my relationship. 

 

I've resolved to stand up for myself and child going forward in my personal dealings with family.  Shit is going to get real this christmas dinner because I just dont give a fuck anymore.

 

This withdrawal process is starting to galvanize me mentally.  I'm going to write a 'super human' success story one of these fucking days  ........... or die trying.

 

No more shit from anybody.

[[Sa...]]

g33K,

 

Count to 15 before you do anything.

I went to battle at 9.5 months with a family member and became so sick, much more than i was in acute and am still trying to find my way back.

Nothing changed, neither the person nor the circumstances.

I decided nothing is worth feeling so sick.

At the same time, i do agree that bottled up frustrations help to keep us sick and have to be dealt with.

Its a catch 22. 

I just want to protect you from what i encountered, not saying it will be the same for you.

But you have 4 or 5 day windows and the sign of anger is sign of healing. 

"Let's not ask for the moon when we have the stars" From the movie Now Voyager.

 

I appologize if i have over stepped into your private life. 

S

[[so...]]

G33k,

 

I have passive aggressive family members.  I am not.  It sucks.  The stuff they stir up amongst family members while playing innocent wreaks havoc everywhere.

 

I have never felt angry while in WD.  Instead, I have been drowning in anxiety, fear, vulnerability, weakness....all the submissive type emotions.  I used to be the opposite.  Does anyone else experience emotions that are the opposite of the emotions that used to make up your personality?

 

I had an acute morning again today.  This evening is better.  Same Groundhog Day. No all day Windows.  Never had one.

 

Sofa

[[so...]]

Buddies,

 

Things are changing, not necessarily for the better though.

 

My 4am cortisol wake up call arrives at 2:30am every morning now.  Oh joy!

 

I'm in a 48 hour wave cycle now, one day normal sh*tty baseline, the next day hell, the next day normal sh*tty, the next day hell.  Does anybody else cycle every other day?

 

Symptoms are always the same chain gang:  cortisol surging, anxiety, heart racing, heart palps, head whooshing pulsatile tinnitus, drugged feeling and plugged ears.  It's a party.

 

Sofa

[[...]]

I appreciate the input Sara.

 

Your not overstepping boundaries if I mention it in a public forum.

 

I've been through it all and back into acute at 10 months.  I'm telling myself not to fear the waves anymore.  It doesn't mean the symptom aren't brutal when they come on strong, but I know it will pass.

 

I'm not affraid of triggering the waves anymore.  If going to war triggers it so be it. 

 

Repeatedly I've told myself that I just want to get back to the way things were before this and in the last few days that idea is starting to waver. 

 

This process triggers a lot of introspection.  I'm starting to think I don't want to go back to being the person I was.  Passive. push over. Always yielding. trying to be a mediator to everyone. an apologist.

 

I'm not interested in being that person anymore because it always allowed people to walk on me.

 

Assertive, strong willed. Self confident  These are words I will be using to describe myself going forward.

 

 

 

 

 

 

SFD, I understand your perceived change in self confidence.  It's highly discouraging when you slip backwards especially when you have a significant amount of post-jump time under your belt.  Those emotions fuel your physical SX and I know you have some of the worst and scary physical SX - heart issues.  It's a vicious cycle. 

 

When you start getting windows things might change for you.  Once I started getting a few windows, is when the sparks of change started happening in my psyche

[[Sa...]]

Sofa,

 

I am sorry its a tough time for you with the yoyo of windows and waves, especially the heart palps and the early am cortisol going on.  Yuck! 

 

Hang on, its seems to be changing rapidly for you.  Try to deep breath through it.  Pray and KNOW that they always pass.  Count the symptoms that you had and no longer have.  The heart palps and the rushes will also be on that list soon.

 

Wishing an easier day and week.

 

S

 

[[so...]]

Thanks g33k and Saraa,

 

This is rough.  So very hard to access the thoughts I will ever heal from this state.

 

How are you all doing today?

[[Sa...]]

I am doing ok Sofa, I am scared to even say the words in fear of not being ok by the time i finish typing this sentence.

 

Doing good though.  Not bedridden but low energy.  Mind is very lazy. 

 

 

 

[[...]]

I know exactly what you mean Saraa.  I hate talking about feeling better for fear of enacting murphys law.  But also I especially don't like mentioning it outside of this forum because people just expect you to remain at that level of wellness.  Then when you slip down they think your a (insert pathetic noun here).

 

SFD, I've had a very palpy day today.  Lots of heart SX. pounding heart beat, definitely POTSy, lots of ectopics - some of them painful. 

 

 

 

I want to mention sofakingdone, when I first saw your user name I thought you were a Sofa King.  It was until last few days of the external bullshit in my life, (that I've alluded to in my previous few posts) that I was so fucking done with it all.  That's when I clued in to your user name because I could relate to it suddenly!  hahahaha.    Benzo brain

 

My user name confuses people too sometimes.  Until you read some of my posts where I actually 'sign'  -GEEK      that's me, I'm a proud geek. GEEK. G33K  = g33k

[[...]]

Oh, and my spine is starting to relax.  finally.  Getting some movement back again.    Not that I can relate to your spinal fusion surgery.  If you don't mind me asking, Why did you have to have that SFD?

[[so...]]

g33k,

 

So glad your spine is relaxing.  I had no discs left between the last three levels of spine joints.  The doctor went up another three to straighten out my spine curvature.  I have a successful bone fusion, lots of titanium rods and bolts, and no more pain, thank God.  I do set off the metal detectors in the airport, however.  Snort.

[[so...]]

You kind of have to say my user name out loud a couple of times to get it.  Ha.

[[Sa...]]

Sofakingdone! I get it Sofakingdone!!! Goes for me too

[[so...]]

G33k,

 

I've had a palpy day too.  My heart is taking the brunt of this WD.  I hope it stays strong.

 

I've cried a lot of tears today.  Just sofakingdone with this.

 

Love, Sofa