6-12 month thread....

[[Gr...]]

Green, I'm sorry you've been hit so hard.  Remember the good days you've had; those will come back again soon.  I know how hard it is.  I am having a hard time hanging on too.  The pattern recently changed.  I had two weeks where I felt better overall with lesser waves that lifted around noon and then the best day yet in wd.  The next day, Sunday, I was sent into a bad wave.  I'm struggling to stay up.  The pain is awful and the weird overall sensations are getting to me.  Rest is even hard.  I hurt and am so tired.

 

I read and re-read Jenn's success story now and how Rosalind is doing better and Florida Guy and Parker and listen to Laura Delano's video for hope.  I'm running out of hope.

 

My husband is so sweet to me and feels so bad for me.  He prays over me and touches my head.

 

I think talking with a knowledgeable therapist may help you.  Mine keeps telling me that this will all end one day and I will heal.  She soothes me too.

 

Lisa, thanks so much for thinking of me.  I'm so sorry you're suffering again.  Did you know Jenny had the nerve pain for a month and she says it has lifted?  Are you getting that again?  Feel better.  I'll be in touch.  Was thinking of you recently.  I'm glad you have a lot of support.  I think I do need something more than the board.  I just don't know where to start. 

[[Gr...]]

Hi, today started horribly but somehow things got better, my palps stopped and so did my vibrations.

 

So I am very grateful and, now my thoughts are crazy enough, but I am more serene than I usually am at this hour. I don't know if this makes sense, it is a good thing !

It's true, in wd we learn to rejoice over small things !

 

Peace, GMIT, hang in there. Peace, remember it was not long ago that LIFe was saying almost the same things that you are. It is so hard for us to wrap our brains around the fact that we can still get worse. no matter all the evidence to this, that is happens, we do get worse, we still struggle like at the beginning.

 

Healing to all, good night.

 

Sky, I'm so sorry you're struggling.  So am I.  When I get this bad, I isolate and get even crazier.  I, too, was thinking of Life.  When I'm in the middle of the insanity of this wave, all the stuff he posted comes back to me, when he would wonder is this me? am I screwed for life?  And is medication a viable option?  And Jenny went through something similar.  So maybe it is just the 12 month wave.  But I'm still brainwashed by the benzo withdrawal, I'm typing, i'm trying to connect with people, but I'm still half  believing the lies.  But I'm listening to Nova.  I don't really know what to do, so I'm making a decision to not do anything, just wait it out.  Maybe that's the acceptance part that makes the waves more manageable.  That's what I lost, I'm spinning in my head, losing myself, and that's when waves become unmanageable, over and above the symptoms.  I lost acceptance, and I'm spinning crazy.  Trying minute to minute to get a handle.  Hope things get better for you.

[[Gr...]]

Oh, and PS gang: I took my last dose at 9:15am today.  I'm officially BENZO-FREE now!! Hooray!

 

Mrs.

 

The last bit of dust on the fly's feet.  Whoo-Hoo, Mrs., way to go!!

[[...]]

My gosh Green, you are describing me to a tee! Sheesh! I'm tired and want this to end!

 

[[Gr...]]

Hi there! I never, in a million years, would've thought that I would still be having a difficult time at 9 months free! Amazing huh? Time heals! It has, ever so slowly, and in a morphing type of way!

 

I'm not sleeping well tonight. Fell asleep at 8 pm, as usual, but woke at 11. Didn't have to much trouble falling back to sleep, but here I am at 1 am...awake again! I do feel somewhat tired, so I'm sure I will fall back to sleep!

 

In awe of those ahead of me, as I'm so tired, so I can only imagine what they've been through on their longer journey. So proud of those behind me, this is a long and arduous journey, and anyone who can take this path is such an amazing person!

 

 

Yes, it's amazing, unbelievable amazing.  Now is when the support of the board is so important, because we question everything, how can I possibly still be dealing with this 9 months later.  This is where people get into trouble and reinstate, or look for answers from medication, where they'll worry there's something wrong.  And there's nothing wrong.  The brain just needs time to heal.

 

I struggle with sleep.  If I accept that I'm not going to get much sleep for a few days, and don't get too crazy worrying about it, it usually cycles away, and then I get more sleep.  I never did get hit with the horrible insomnia as bad as I had in the beginning, I just get a few bad nights here and there in waves. 

 

I do have circadian rhythm problems.  I don't fall asleep until 2-4 a.m. even on good nights, and sleep late in the morning.  I think that takes time.  Not everybody has sleep issues, but the word is sleep whenever and wherever you body will, and worrying makes it worse.

Hope you get some good sleep soon

[[Gr...]]

GMIT, I'm in the same paperboat w/ you on the sleep issues    I've read for some that it's the last thing to resolve.  I attempted (and failed) to consolidate my sleep with sleep restriction, but it didn't work and made me feel absolutely horrible.  Now I just sleep whenever I can get it and try not to make a judgement about it.

 

paperboat

 

PB, yours was one of the posts I had read and was thinking about when I responded to GMIT.  I had read what you had written about sleep restriction and said a silent thank you when I read it because you saved me the trouble of trying it myself.  Yes, it's one of the last things to stabilize.  Funny thing, I've had nights where I didn't sleep at all and didn't feel half bad.  And I've had nights where I had a couple of hours and woke up sick and hung over and stayed that way all day.  So there's another issue, quality of sleep, is it refreshing or non refreshing.  so many symptoms, so little time...

[[Gr...]]

Nova, hang loose.

 

I believe you're still healing.

 

You tapered a whopping 6mg of klonopin over 26 months -- that's a LOT, bro. Something to think about...

 

If you'd tapered at Coop's pace, it'd taken you 3 years to finish.

If you'd tapered at Peace's pace, it'd taken you 3 1/2 years to finish.

If you'd tapered at drew's pace, it'd taken you 4 1/3 years to finish.

Now, I've saved the "best" for last ...if you'd tapered at Mrs's pace, it'd taken you 48 years to finish!! Ha!

 

My point is, you tapered faster than anyone else, and a much higher dose than anyone else...and if they all are still recovering, I'm sorry buddy, but so are you...

 

You may feel closer to "you" than you have in years, which can make it all a little more confusing, I know. But there's no doubt about it -- recovery is still occurring. I believe when all this is said & done, you will have ZERO anything anymore, brother. You don't learn "tools" like this and not recover fully -- it just doesn't happen.

 

So, just hang loose buddy Recovery is imminent

 

Mrs.

 

I'm thinking of the half life of uranium for some reason

[[Gr...]]

My gosh Green, you are describing me to a tee! Sheesh! I'm tired and want this to end!

 

 

Which crazy part, lol?  Or all of it?

[[...]]

Hi there! I never, in a million years, would've thought that I would still be having a difficult time at 9 months free! Amazing huh? Time heals! It has, ever so slowly, and in a morphing type of way!

 

I'm not sleeping well tonight. Fell asleep at 8 pm, as usual, but woke at 11. Didn't have to much trouble falling back to sleep, but here I am at 1 am...awake again! I do feel somewhat tired, so I'm sure I will fall back to sleep!

 

In awe of those ahead of me, as I'm so tired, so I can only imagine what they've been through on their longer journey. So proud of those behind me, this is a long and arduous journey, and anyone who can take this path is such an amazing person!

 

 

Yes, it's amazing, unbelievable amazing.  Now is when the support of the board is so important, because we question everything, how can I possibly still be dealing with this 9 months later.  This is where people get into trouble and reinstate, or look for answers from medication, where they'll worry there's something wrong.  And there's nothing wrong.  The brain just needs time to heal.

 

I struggle with sleep.  If I accept that I'm not going to get much sleep for a few days, and don't get too crazy worrying about it, it usually cycles away, and then I get more sleep.  I never did get hit with the horrible insomnia as bad as I had in the beginning, I just get a few bad nights here and there in waves. 

 

I do have circadian rhythm problems.  I don't fall asleep until 2-4 a.m. even on good nights, and sleep late in the morning.  I think that takes time.  Not everybody has sleep issues, but the word is sleep whenever and wherever you body will, and worrying makes it worse.

Hope you get some good sleep soon

 

Sheesh, Green I could have written that post! I would guess that you are suffering from adrenal fatigue just as I am! I would think we all would, to some degree, due to the great stress put on our bodies, but I think you are in a more advanced stage, as I am! I am working on my gut issues to help my adrenals, if we don't help them I believe this will go on longer! Funny, the adrenal fatigue (like many other things) have similar symptoms to wd!

 

I did have my cortisol levels tested and they are pretty jacked up! I fall asleep fine, but the early waking is killing me, and I don't think I'm getting deep sleep!

 

[[Gr...]]

Yes ... "the concussion grenade of anxiety" ... going off in my head and upper body ... we have such marvelous ways of describing these effects ... and the sneeze that won't sneeze ...

 

And before I forget ... wonderful news Mrs ... "benzo free" is a wonderful country ... hoping this part of the journey is "quiet" for you ...

 

I woke up after about three or four hours of sleep at 12:30 AM with full body anxiety waves ... had to get up and move around ... did not want to get "buried" under the fear within another anxiety event ... took a while to gather my wits ... and establish a shaky place of stability ... now just doing my "hanging on" thing until this lightens up ... could be a short one or could last for many hours ...

 

This is mentally very exhausting ... going from the place of balance, focus, and what I call "centeredness" to a place of feeling tossed about by something I do not understand, a place of doubt and fear ... and all its physical manifestations ...

 

Slowing my mind down helps a lot ... doesn't "fix" anything ... just helps to keep my feet connected to the ground ... helps me stay oriented to an up/down, right/left axis ... helps me keep my "bearings" in a storm ...

 

This feels like the "place" where it all started many years ago ... I believe I may be about finished with the actual drug process ... and am now entering the stage of recovery that for me means learning how to live drug free with my "history" front and centre ... this sense of "peeling the onion", layer after layer, until I find "myself" ...

 

And I have the "learnings" from the drug recovery process to help me ... I "knew" I would eventually reach this place ... and I am aware that some of the fear I now experience is connected to being "here" ... and not knowing, doubting, if I can "do this" ... and not get "buried" again ...

 

And there is no rush ... I know I can experience the waves of this anxiety safely ... the "doubt" lies within my "image" of myself as either "damaged goods" or as the old fella who moves through his day chopping wood and carrying water while he heals from his "history" ...

 

This feels like another choice of "acceptance" ... am I "cursed" or am I "blessed" ... and this will take a while ... the process of remembering my "wellness" ... my "wholeness" ... sort of like putting on the clothes that I have never worn before, that have been waiting for me ... and learning to move about in them ... slowly, tentatively ...

 

Sorry ... got long winded again ... hope this may help others a bit ... like HH ... putting this out there is hard and comes with its own fear ... and it needs saying ... especially for me ...

 

 

Nova, I'm relating on a lot of levels here.  I'm too manic in this wave to go into detail, lol.  But what you wrote, And I have the "learnings" from the drug recovery process to help me ... I "knew" I would eventually reach this place ... and I am aware that some of the fear I now experience is connected to being "here" ... and not knowing, doubting, if I can "do this" ... and not get "buried" again ...[/b"  I was in that place, thinking I had found my long lost self.  And I rolled right into a wild, woolly wave, where I'm so manic I dropped 5 lbs.  and I struggle with weight, need to lose it.  (I did lose 40 lbs in acute, though)  so when I drop weight without trying, there's definitely something revved up.  So I slipped from the discomfort of rehab, reentry, into stone cold wave.  Just be careful you don't have  wave going on, because that's part of the reason my thinking got so distorted, I was starting to believe I was in reentry mode and this was me.

 

I know I'm rambling and maybe not making such sense.  just that reentry and waves, there's a fine line.  we're still healing, and sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

[[pe...]]

Hey Sasquatch-

Thanks. I'm glad you're seeing some relief. I just can't believe this and the toll it's taking on everything. It's hard for me to just let the time pass and believe it will get better this far out. I feel this desperation to do something. But what? Ect? More drugs? I just feel doomed, but I hold on because there's nothing else to do.

 

Hey, Might Girl.

 

It's a wave!  The further out we get, the harder they are to recognize, this is when the benzo beast really bewitches us with the lies.  I'm in the 12-14 month wave, and I feel doomed!  I woke up this morning prepared for a life in this ring of hell, wondering can I go back to my old shrink disguised as recalcitrant benzo user who now sees the error of her ways, and admit to underlying psychiatric issues and file for social security disability.  I'm so buried in the wave, I can't do a reality test -- I used to be able to come on here when I was in waves and get a reality check.  When you're this far out, you're somewhat more logical, less obviously crazy, and that works against you (me) in waves, because it's harder to break up the belief system.  Not to mention the wave is just kicking a$$.

 

Peace, you've been here before, and you've come out of it better and stronger.  Hang on.  While I'm in this wave, the misery and suffering is very real, very fresh, and it's f*&^ing inhumane.  Hang on, it will pass.  Try to post as much as you can, it's the healthiest thing we can do.  This is where the support is.  Feel better, my friend.

 

I love you, Green. A million times I love you and I hope your wave breaks SOON!

[[Sk...]]

Green, it is really nice to have you back here !

 

 

[[No...]]

Good Evening ... well ... 43 years eh ... and sometimes a cigar is just a cigar ... well ... that's why we pay you folks the big bucks ... somebody has to keep the old fella's imagination in check ... thank you all for the wake up call ...

 

Sometimes I get a little too "forward looking" ... and yes, there is a fine line between "re-entry" and "wave" ... and I probably should not get so "reflective" when I am on short sleep and revving with my anxiety in the middle of the night ... oh well ... just trying to make a little sense out of this stuff ...

 

Somewhere else on BB another Buddy used the image of "trying to catch the red dot from a laser pointer when the beast is waving it madly around" ...

 

So, onward and upward ... and yes, this is the place for support ... and for "trying things out" ...

 

Have a good evening, everyone ...

 

[[mr...]]

Hey gang,

 

So I totally burned my tapering supplies last night!!

 

And made a video of their demise ...

 

I've posted it below if you're interested in watching it   If not, no worries too   It is meant totally in jest, as a fun little 'reward' for being benzo-free now

 

Enjoy it, if you choose to watch it!

 

Mrs.

 

Goodbye, Taper Supplies!: https://www.youtube.com/watch?list=UUHA9QwkBsAIhthytNrnqVdw&v=dMLbX1SmMrQ&feature=player_detailpage"

[[mr...]]

Hey gang,

 

So I totally burned my tapering supplies last night!!

 

And made a video of their demise ...

 

I've posted it below if you're interested in watching it   If not, no worries too   It is meant totally in jest, as a fun little 'reward' for being benzo-free now

 

Enjoy it, if you choose to watch it!

 

Mrs.

 

Goodbye, Taper Supplies!: https://www.youtube.com/watch?list=UUHA9QwkBsAIhthytNrnqVdw&v=dMLbX1SmMrQ&feature=player_detailpage"

 

That's right.  Mrs is the nerdiest of them all.

 

Mrs.

[[He...]]

Hey gang,

 

So I totally burned my tapering supplies last night!!

 

And made a video of their demise ...

 

I've posted it below if you're interested in watching it   If not, no worries too   It is meant totally in jest, as a fun little 'reward' for being benzo-free now

 

Enjoy it, if you choose to watch it!

 

Mrs.

 

Goodbye, Taper Supplies!: https://www.youtube.com/watch?list=UUHA9QwkBsAIhthytNrnqVdw&v=dMLbX1SmMrQ&feature=player_detailpage"

 

Mrs!!  This is AWESOME!! 

[[...]]

I think it's so awesome Mrs!! Great way to celebrate your new start!

 

Nova, I hope you're feeling better now!!

 

[[pe...]]

Where is Coop? Jenny?

[[Gr...]]

Hi there! I never, in a million years, would've thought that I would still be having a difficult time at 9 months free! Amazing huh? Time heals! It has, ever so slowly, and in a morphing type of way!

 

I'm not sleeping well tonight. Fell asleep at 8 pm, as usual, but woke at 11. Didn't have to much trouble falling back to sleep, but here I am at 1 am...awake again! I do feel somewhat tired, so I'm sure I will fall back to sleep!

 

In awe of those ahead of me, as I'm so tired, so I can only imagine what they've been through on their longer journey. So proud of those behind me, this is a long and arduous journey, and anyone who can take this path is such an amazing person!

 

 

Yes, it's amazing, unbelievable amazing.  Now is when the support of the board is so important, because we question everything, how can I possibly still be dealing with this 9 months later.  This is where people get into trouble and reinstate, or look for answers from medication, where they'll worry there's something wrong.  And there's nothing wrong.  The brain just needs time to heal.

 

I struggle with sleep.  If I accept that I'm not going to get much sleep for a few days, and don't get too crazy worrying about it, it usually cycles away, and then I get more sleep.  I never did get hit with the horrible insomnia as bad as I had in the beginning, I just get a few bad nights here and there in waves. 

 

I do have circadian rhythm problems.  I don't fall asleep until 2-4 a.m. even on good nights, and sleep late in the morning.  I think that takes time.  Not everybody has sleep issues, but the word is sleep whenever and wherever you body will, and worrying makes it worse.

Hope you get some good sleep soon

 

Sheesh, Green I could have written that post! I would guess that you are suffering from adrenal fatigue just as I am! I would think we all would, to some degree, due to the great stress put on our bodies, but I think you are in a more advanced stage, as I am! I am working on my gut issues to help my adrenals, if we don't help them I believe this will go on longer! Funny, the adrenal fatigue (like many other things) have similar symptoms to wd!

 

I did have my cortisol levels tested and they are pretty jacked up! I fall asleep fine, but the early waking is killing me, and I don't think I'm getting deep sleep!

 

 

GMIT, that's my great fear, the fatigue -- whatever kind it is.  When I was in tolerance I had it so bad I was misdiagnosed with chronic fatigue.  I was really healthy all my life, so that was devastating.  And now to realize that whole nightmare was only withdrawal!  But in waves, the fatigue scares me.  I think it would scare anyone, it feels awful. 

 

Did you do saliva testing for the cortisol test?  And did you have to do it at certain times?  Like 6 a.m.? 

 

In the current wave, I'm so revved up I dropped 5 lbs.  Which I can afford to lose.  Which is the point, I don't lose weight easily.  So if I'm not dieting and weight just comes off, I know there's a fire in my metabolism.

 

So maybe the fatigue is just crashing after being exhausted from revved up waves?  Does the diet seem to help, do you feel better?

[[Gr...]]

Green, it is really nice to have you back here !

 

Sky, it's nice to be back.  I feel like the benzo buddie who came in from the cold.  When in a wave, it's very weird and scary out there.

 

Peace, I love U2!

 

 

[[Gr...]]

Hey gang,

 

So I totally burned my tapering supplies last night!!

 

And made a video of their demise ...

 

I've posted it below if you're interested in watching it   If not, no worries too   It is meant totally in jest, as a fun little 'reward' for being benzo-free now

 

Enjoy it, if you choose to watch it!

 

Mrs.

 

Goodbye, Taper Supplies!: https://www.youtube.com/watch?list=UUHA9QwkBsAIhthytNrnqVdw&v=dMLbX1SmMrQ&feature=player_detailpage"

 

Mrs., I watched the Bonfire of the Beakers.  You're on Jump Street.  Congrats!

[[Gr...]]

Where is Coop? Jenny?

 

I think they feel better.

[[No...]]

Green ... there may be something to be said about the revving and fatigue ... when I go into the revving place for several hours, and sometimes days, I feel "exhausted" afterwards ... and depending on the length of the revving, during it as well ... maybe kind of similar to the "inflammation response" ... and the sweats as well ...

 

And I think most of us have our "fear scenario" ... whether it be heart stuff, or fatigue, or depression ... whatever ...

 

[[...]]

Nova, I hope you are feeling improvement. I agree about the fatigue! Our bodies are working so hard to Heal! There probably isn't a lot of reserve energy!

 

[[No...]]

GMIT ... I suspect all the energy goes towards recovery ... had a rocky couple of hours this earlier this morning ... now okay I suppose ... did my walk and now waiting for this little rainy/snowy messy storm that should show up in a couple of hours ... just looked out the window ... snow flakes ... little ones ...

 

Have a good Friday ...