6-12 month thread....

[[Gr...]]

I MADE IT!!!  I went on my field trip and I survived.  I only had to step aside one time because my anxiety was getting really high, but I was able to calm down and I was able to enjoy parts of it.  I can't say that I enjoyed all of it, but I did enjoy some parts.  YAY!! Thank you for all the encouragement and prayers.

 

The other thing that I learned was that eye drops are absorbed quite quickly into the bloodstream.  I believe that my over-the-top wave that I had this weekend was made MUCH worse by the drops.  I didn't take last night's dose, nor this morning's, and just be refraining from it helped tremendously.  Note to self:  Do NOT take anything with a steroid in it, unless absolutely necessary.  Talk about knocking my rickety stool to the ground!

 

Yay, HH! 

 

The more I read about these reactions to medications, the more cautious I plan to be.  I didn't want to be one of those people who gives the doctor a long list of what I can't take, but I think I've just become one. HH, you are STOIC.  If you had that kind of reaction, it must have been awful.

 

Glad to hear you're doing better.

 

[[Gr...]]

Thanks to Minnie for posting that....what a sweetie.  I tried but I posted it somewhere else.  that is a really good group over there too.

I went for lunch with my sweetie but felt very weird...derealization I think....and depersonalization too....

It hasn't been that bad for awhile.  Please tell me you guys had this too...I see your posts and even though you don't realize it sometimes you all sound much better.

Coop and Sky...you both do....it's hard to see.  In a wave like now I only see bad.  It feels like I have all the icky sx today....

  I'm going to curl up on the couch and watch TV....I hope this feeling passes because it's unbearable right now. 

That post made me feel both better and worse knowing I have a long way to go.  Me and my guy want to get married but I need to be over the worst of this first.  My life is just waiting for me.  I hate putting life on hold.

 

Whoot, months 4 and 5 were horrible for me, awful.  The anxiety, the cement chest, I hate to even think about it.  You're a tougher cookie than you realize.  And this does get much better.  Hang on.  you should be getting a break soon.

[[Gr...]]

yes I have had some very nice windows...recently a couple that lasted 24 hours. I have had some wonderful sunbreaks of feeling 100% healed ...an " effortless mind " as Life calls it. The 100% effortless mind is the feeling of never have been on benzos or experiencing ANY s/x....

.....It is a double edged joy. I do get the dread of knowing my s/x will most likely return and my window will close. ..Having said that it also gives me hope and encouragement that I am still the person I was before benzos wrecked my life. The problem is that in a wave I am unable to access the memory of the window...just the cognitive realization that they ocurr. ..I keep a window journal on the progress board. ( Tracking windows.....).

 

 

Coop, I'm exactly where you are, some nice windows, symptoms back like on a light switch dimmer, on and off, and worrying about them coming back.  Trying to forget about it and enjoy what I can.  It's so easy to overdo it, it doesn't take much.

 

Hoping we get some good breaks. 

 

 

 

[[Co...]]

Green...You and I and Sky seem to be on the same track right now. That is reassuring to me....although I wish we were all 100%. ...I am somewhat holding my breath waiting for it all to go to hell again. Trying not yo think so negatively as that but I have been to this dance too many times. Thank you so much for cutting and pasting the article from Pamster again. We can not see that enough. I took immediate reassurance from it. It has tamper down my health fears. My head s/x have been so much better. (hope I am not jinxing myself by putting that in print). I still get mini waves of head pressure and wonky eye function and d/r...it all seems to be rolled up into one s/x along with a slight dizziness and boatiness...but at least 75% better...I will take it. My anxiety and fear is also at 75% better...so back to my baseline as it was before this last wave from blue hell. I am still just sputtering and going at the pace of a 90 year old but I reallyvdont feel like life is passing me by in the way that I have up until now. I am doing the things I want to for the most part. Like Sky I am trying to just put courage energy into things that are not stressful. I have not returned to volunteering in my grandsons ' classrooms ...and I may not until I feel less wobbly. Trying to find peace with that. All year I have this frantic drive yo 'get back ' to my life the way it was. Now after that last wave and reading the article from Pamster's post I am finding peace with allowing the process to unfold. Six months ago I was in bed all day in agony. Now I am up all day ( excepting really terrible days) and sputtering about getting things done. Even in a wave I am not bedridden for the most part. ( just watch, now that I have said that I will get hit and be flat in bed for 3 days!). ..I know that going from bedridden to being up all day and busy with the smaller picture of every day life ...and a few low stress outings sounds pathetic in the usual context of what healing means for other conditions, but benzo w/d is far from usual or linear. I am trusting myself to know when to push and giving myself permission to stay in the no stress low lights of every day life as long as needed.

...Green...we made it through a terrible awful no good bad wave..we are on our feet again and moving forward. I would not have made it through that one without you and every one in this group....We are all healing.  Together....coop

[[wh...]]

So glad it turned out to be a good day HH!!

Funny what even simple eye drops can do. OMG. You were very brave to go.

I'm feeling better now. thank all of you for thinking of me and for your prayers.  The fear is so horrible...   Hopefully more bearable tomorrow.

Love you guys ....have a good night.

 

When I do get hitched you'll all have to come up or across to Canada for a big party....

[[pe...]]

Minnie and HH are my heroes for the day.

Coop, Sky and Green you too are rocking it as always.

 

So many strong woman are showing up on this thread and I am beyond blessed to be supported and connected to you.

 

Hurray to a long and recognized healing process. Hurray to field trips completed. Hurray to waves that crash and rush back out to sea leaving us still breathing on the shore.

 

Another day closer to the two year mark

Peace2

[[je...]]

HH-- I'm so happy for you!! You did it, so proud of you.

Minnie-- thank you so my h for that article, such great info and much encouragement.

 

My head pressure has not let up all day and it is driving me mad! I spent most of the day yesterday in bed-- i have been over doing it too much lately and i needed to just rest. Today i was better, but still weak. Praying tommorow is a better day..

[[Gr...]]

Minnie and HH are my heroes for the day.

Coop, Sky and Green you too are rocking it as always.

 

So many strong woman are showing up on this thread and I am beyond blessed to be supported and connected to you.

 

Hurray to a long and recognized healing process. Hurray to field trips completed. Hurray to waves that crash and rush back out to sea leaving us still breathing on the shore.

 

Another day closer to the two year mark

Peace2

 

Peace, you're cheering.  Are you in a window?

[[...]]

HH, you are amazing! You did a great job going on the field trip and you need to recognize it! 

 

We are all so much stronger than we realize, huh?

 

Hoping everyone is finding healing!

 

[[pe...]]

Green- I'm not sure what this is, maybe a partial window. I'm not all clear, effortless mind, but I'm happy with some benzo flu and general stressed out feeling. Rapid cycling, too. My depression and dr are a bit better right now. Healing.

 

Happy Tuesday.

Peace2

[[...]]

Peace, I'm so glad to hear this! You've been through a rough ride lately! Glad there's improvement!

 

Have a wonderful day!

 

[[pe...]]

Thanks, GMIT.

This morning is actually shaping up to be a bit awful with nausea and dread. I'd much rather be headed back to bed than into the classroom. But I just keep telling myself, "Two years." This takes two years and I've got to 'know' this is going to come and go. Minnie's post was so very helpful in framing this for me.

 

I also keep telling myself, "You're off the drug." There are so many here at BB just beginning or in the throes of their taper. Remember that? So, long ago it seems. Now, it's just healing. I've got 8 months under my belt. 16 more to go.

 

Deep breathing and as many smiles as I can muster from here to there.

 

Peace2

 

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... Peace ...yep ... we are where we are in the process ... keep our heads above the wave and paddle on ... the benzo demon is trying to argue with me again ... trying hard to rock my boat ...

 

11 months out today and I am still afloat ... lousy way to put that ... I am more than afloat ... I am moving on, day to day ... and that is what we are all doing ... day by day ... getting further and further out ... slowly, bit by bit, leaving the ordeal behind ... living and coping ...

 

Blessings to us all ...

[[Co...]]

I sm thinking of you today Peace. You are sounding so strong. We are getting so close to that one year mark. I have read some success stories of BBs feeling 100% between 18-24 months. Jaso 19 was fond in month 15. The articlevthat Pamster posted was a huge encouragement to me to in re-framing my expectations. We are half way there...a little more if luck is on our side.

...The up side of making it yo school every day is that by the timecyou blink once its Christmas break and your year one is fond done done....our worst days behind us. PianoGirl says the biggest strides of her healing came along by the end of year one with fine tuning and re- entry being the work of year 2.

....Peace,  you are an inspiration to all of us. Every day you show us that life hoes on every day and we truly are stronger than we think.....This time next year we could very well be done done done....wishing you sunbreaks ....coop

[[Co...]]

Jenny,  Me too,  head s/x.. I had some pretty good on and off relief from it for about 3 days but woke up to the rushing and pulsing this morning. It gets a little better if I just get up.

.....I am so sorry Jenny ...this particular misery is just dogging you and me and Minnie. I went back and read the entire 'Support for Those With Head Pressure ' thread on Friday. It helped a lot to know that other BBs are enduring it ...and it reminded me ...again ...( seems like I need almost daily reassurance) that it is only w/d. When it hangs on day after day tor months I get worried ...and fearful...and depressed.

....The fact that it lets up ...sometimes for a few days is great indication for us that this is all w/d. ....We have come so far Jenny...this time next year this will all be a vague bad memory.

I am starting to think of all the things I want to be doing next Fall. ...

.....Thinking of you Jenny...wishing you relief and sunbreaks today.......coop

[[Co...]]

Nova...CONGRATULATIONS! !!...YES!!...You are closing in on that year one.    I am wishing you the "Effortless Mind " window today and every day. You have dogged this with wisdom and courage all the way. You have given so much support to all of us. This group just would not be what it is without you. We all love you . I watch for your posts every day because you are so grounded and encouraging. ...You are at the heart of this group and we are celebrating you and thanking you today. ...Love to you Nova.....coop

[[wh...]]

Thank you Green

It has been rough these last couple of months..I'll be 5 months next week...I hope the cement chest and solar plexus gets easier as well as the crazy anxiety. Thanks for the reassurance; I needed it so badly.

 

Coop; You sound different; something good has happened; maybe a change you are just starting to realize.  I understand the "walking around on eggshells" feeling ....I get that everyday.  We've been to the show too many times and are very cautious when things are good because of it.

I can hardly wait to not feel this...it stops us from living in the now and just enjoying the moment. I can't wait to read your success stories everyone....it will be soon.

 

[[Co...]]

Whoot,  you sound different too...so much stronger...if you and your love can support each other through your w/d you will be so practiced for marriage. ...Yes,  I sound completely different when I emerge from a wave. When I am in a wave I get on the forum cry,  whine,  catrastophize,  beg for reassurance but can not be reassured,  scare everyone to death and generally fall apart on a public forum. Quite attractive.

.....You are very strong Whoot and you are in a good place of ' living with s/x ' at 5 months. I think you will see some good progress in the next 5 months. ..

....keep it going girlie you are definitely making your way through....coop

[[wh...]]

Thanks Coop you help everyone here so much even through all this hell.

Is it normal to feel this "dying" feeling....can't really explain it but it is like anguish.....

I just hold on when its like this.  I can't feel excited about the future because it seems like there is none.  All benzo lies I know...but it doesn't help knowing that....I just feel it no matter what.  It abates a bit in the evening.

This will be my second marriage; my kids are grown like yours.  He is a dream come true and I'm so afraid to lose him because of this.

I'm just getting used to waves and windows I guess.  I know about the constant reassurance; I need to hear over and over that this will end; that I am not going crazy; that I am not dying......ugh..

Thank you.  I can hardly wait to hear your success story...on the last leg of this awful journey you are...

[[Co...]]

Hi Whoot...so sorry,  I took you for a twenty- something...having said that I do believe that any couple going through this together will weather a big relationship training ground. You are doing so good Whoot...Does your partner read the forum with you? That would be such a help to you both. Nobody can really understand this unless they have gone through it themselves,  but reading how common our s/x are and how not linear the progress is is so helpful. I noticed that when you first came on the forum he participated on the forum too...he seems like a wonderful person...and so do you....this is definitely a trek to walk together but he will need support too.

...Oh nh goodness...the " I am dying " anxiety has been my worst challenge as every single body s/x triggers all my health fears...and there are many many health fears. Like you, when I am in a wave it foes no good what so ever to remind myself thatvit is w/d because my mind and body conspire to convince me that I really am in danger. In a window I feel good and rational and realize I am ok. This is so common in w/d that it is classic and a cardinal w/d s/x. ...The only thing that I have found helpful is ' just get through it ' and survive it,  read all of Nova 's posts,  read all the success stories,  write on the forum as much as you need to and fl anything that distracts you for even a few minutes.

....The ' dying ' feeling is a tough one Whoot,  but the further out you go the more relief you will get from it. I wont lie...at neatly 11 months out it still undoes me sometimes Right now the head s/x torture me. However it is not as bad as it was in month 6- 8. I do get breaks from it now and I can endure it better ..but I really have never been able to ' talk myself out of it ' ...I can only ' get through it '....I try not to think...of anything ..I watch mindless Tv ...and write on BBs. and do housework over and over. .....just keep going Whoot...we are all here for you...coop

[[Mo...]]

Thanks Coop you help everyone here so much even through all this hell.

Is it normal to feel this "dying" feeling....can't really explain it but it is like anguish.....

I just hold on when its like this.  I can't feel excited about the future because it seems like there is none.  All benzo lies I know...but it doesn't help knowing that....I just feel it no matter what.  It abates a bit in the evening.

This will be my second marriage; my kids are grown like yours.  He is a dream come true and I'm so afraid to lose him because of this.

I'm just getting used to waves and windows I guess.  I know about the constant reassurance; I need to hear over and over that this will end; that I am not going crazy; that I am not dying......ugh..

Thank you.  I can hardly wait to hear your success story...on the last leg of this awful journey you are...

 

I'm with you Woot.  I just don't how this sweating is normal.  I just can't see it.  I am having trouble believing it will stop at some point and I will get to sleep.  My mind is going over and over all the things that could be wrong and fearing the doctors vs running to them.  I have a blood test yet to be submitted.  I don't want to get it done, but I tell myself to be responsible with my health and make sure all my bases are covered.

 

How many times have we died during this process?  It's criminal.  Ignoring all these physicals symptoms goes against every cell in my body. 

 

I have faith in my Lord that he is aware of my situation.  My only saving grace is that He will orchestrate whatever needs to be done if something serious crops up.  What else can we do but surrender to this?

[[Mo...]]

I'm not doing the greatest today.  The night before last I was up from adrenal and sweating at 1:30am.. then last night it was on big sweat fest. 

 

I just don't see how this is normal. 

 

Is anybody else sweating and hot flashing daily and thru the night non-stop?  This is absolutely terrifying me right now. 

[[Gr...]]

Green- I'm not sure what this is, maybe a partial window. I'm not all clear, effortless mind, but I'm happy with some benzo flu and general stressed out feeling. Rapid cycling, too. My depression and dr are a bit better right now. Healing.

 

Happy Tuesday.

Peace2

 

Peace, the rapid cycling is where I'm at, too.  It's not great, not consistent, but it's a great improvement over being stuck under the wave, we get to come up for breath.  I'm so glad you're feeling better. 

[[Gr...]]

HH-- I'm so happy for you!! You did it, so proud of you.

Minnie-- thank you so my h for that article, such great info and much encouragement.

 

My head pressure has not let up all day and it is driving me mad! I spent most of the day yesterday in bed-- i have been over doing it too much lately and i needed to just rest. Today i was better, but still weak. Praying tommorow is a better day..

 

Jenny, this has got to be so discouraging after the 1 year.  But remember, a lot of people say all the real healing happens in the second year.  Pam's post is right.  All those early success stories, they all had sx after they wrote them -- I used to check their posts, lol. 

 

the timeline is two years, with major healing happening in the second year.  It's discouraging, but we'll get through it.  It's got to be easier than the first year.  That's what I'm hoping.  Hang in there

[[Gr...]]

Good Morning ... Peace ...yep ... we are where we are in the process ... keep our heads above the wave and paddle on ... the benzo demon is trying to argue with me again ... trying hard to rock my boat ...

 

11 months out today and I am still afloat ... lousy way to put that ... I am more than afloat ... I am moving on, day to day ... and that is what we are all doing ... day by day ... getting further and further out ... slowly, bit by bit, leaving the ordeal behind ... living and coping ...

 

Blessings to us all ...

 

Nova, Happy 11th Month Anniversary.  Yes, Nova, living and coping, and leaving the ordeal behind, a day at a time.  We'll get there.