Knackered’s Minions of the Mind with Benzos

   Hey there, Knackered here.  Most of the ailments that haunt my feeble mind have done me wrong.  Anxiety, panic disorders, and a lack of impulse control have led me down the wrong direction on the garden path far too many times.

   Probably the worst of them all has been OCD.  It’s obsessive, it’s compulsive, and it has definitely not been my friend.  When I was just a wee lad, I remember waking up in the middle of the night and staring into haunted corners of the bedroom.  I never even hazarded to peek  beneath the bed.

   When this kind of thing happened, I tended to fret about stuff I had to do, or should have done, or just couldn’t find any way around.  I remember going out to the living room to talk to my parents.  Mom often went to bed early, but Dad was a night owl.  He never said much but he was be a good listener.  After I talked for awhile, he’d ask me to go out in the kitchen and retrieve the grocery pad.  He’d tear off the grocery list and set it aside (no wonder my mother was always scolding us for messing with her stuff).

   His instructions were always the same.  Write down the stuff you feel is hanging over your head.  When you get up in the morning, put it in your pocket and go to school.  Cross off the stuff that you’ve accomplished and when you get home, throw it away.

   That was the start of my ‘list making’ and it’s continued pretty much till this day.  It’s gotten me through high school and college and took care of my career needs as well.  But I’m finally ready to set that all aside.

   The truth of the matter is that I can’t plan on doing stuff because I never know from one day to the next, what version of myself is going to show up when I climb out of bed (at least for the first time).  The anxiety is back.  Not really because I’m worried about the things I used to fret over:  money, home repairs that need doing, politics and the like.  But because of the anticipation of when, where and how bad the next wave is going to  be.

   I’m coming off a few good days in a row, considering that I made a cut just three weeks ago and was feeling no real change in symptomology.  Most days have followed the patterns of the cortisol levels that we know can bring on worse withdrawal conditions in the morning and ‘bettering’ ones as the day progresses.

   Just when I thought that I was out of the woods for a bit, today is fraught with the whole on body whammy.  Trying to ride these out, as you know, is about all you can do.  Dinner tonight will probably be oatmeal and so far, I’ve spent more time in bed than I’ve spent on my feet or sitting somewhere.  I’m definitely not planning on going anywhere.

   Usually, we’re ok with this stuff.  Anxiety, panic, depression, whatever; we’ve all shown up for the  battle.  However when this is combined with a scheduled trip to the store, doctor’s office or the therapist, we just want to crawl under a rock and check out.

   It helps to remember that it’s ok to not be okay.  And it is perfectly human to be “sad, angry, annoyed, frustrated, scared or anxious.”  It’s also been said that if we feel discombobulated,  “your brain may have too many tabs open”.  Such is the stuff of multi tasking:  eating lunch while talking on the phone and trying to read the newspaper.

   We’d best remember that reality is found in the band width of what is happening in real time.  If you need to lay down for awhile, you probably should.  We shouldn’t be ashamed of our stories.  I’d like to see any of the folks around the water cooler try this nightmare out for even a day or two.  “Just remember that the struggles we’re facing doesn’t mean we’re failing”.

   Every day we continue on, we’re getting closer to the end of this mess.  True, that end may be somewhere down the line, but it will arrive if we persevere.

   Asking for help here on BB is a safe, effective and confidential way to get things out of our heads and into the hands of someone who has had similar experiences.  Wisdom is really just the knowledge that we don’t need to keep beating our heads against the wall in the way we are.  We may just have to move to the right or left and walk through the door to a better place.  The Buddha once said that “You, yourself, as much as anybody else in the entire universe, deserves your love and affection”.  (Note:  All quoted statements statements have been taken from “33+Mental Health Quotes, 3/24/23”.)