Knackered Has Confusion with Benzos

   Hey there, Knackered here.  It’s probably safe to say that most of us reading this don’t really know where we’re going until we get there.  If that seems like a strange way to think about this whole process, stop for a minute and reflect upon how we got to this point in the first place. There must be someone out there who researched the whole thing, talked to credible people who have already arrived, and made the decision to proceed.  You don’t have to raise your hand if you did, but you can stop reading right here and turn the television back on.  No, the likelihood is that you probably stumbled into all this at the advice of someone else, or you may have come in kicking and screaming when somebody decided to put the brakes on your Rx scripts.

   Whatever the case, where we are is what we’ll have to deal with. And that can bring on all kinds of confusion: Why can’t we sleep, eat the same stuff we used to, feel like getting up and moving around, and why is our ongoing mood so lousy?

   Of course, most of this stuff is anatomical. Benzos serve as little blockers or “dams” in the neural network upstairs. This prevents the usual flow of activity, slows things down and helps us feel calmer and in a better place; for a little while.  When we try to break down those little ‘blockers’ by withdrawing from the medications, a flash flood of brain activity can be unleashed.  If  this doesn’t sound good, it’s because it isn’t.  A perfect storm of neural activity arises that makes our CNS (central nervous system) go bonkers and we get the worst of it down here in the body.

   While the symptoms downstairs are bad enough, what’s happening up above can be equally disastrous.  “Uncertainty is the most stressful thing” and most of us are marching to that very drum beat.  Do you think you perfectly heard what your partner just said?  OK, tell me what they’re really talking about.  Been there?  I’m living it. Wonder what you’re doing in this room? Whatcha gonna do?

   Sometimes you can use this state of mind to your advantage.  JD Sallinger once said that, ”All you have you to do is say something nobody understands and they’ll do practically anything you want them to” (Catcher in the Rye).  College professors can get away with this kind of stuff, but it’s not going to go down in the dictionary of street smarts.

   No, how we got here, what we’re going to do now, and why should we care are the big questions we seek answers to.  We yearn to make sense of things and to be understood by those around us.  We really want our next cut to lead to more clarity as we get this stuff out of our systems, and not have to go back up and try it all over again.

  Dealing with how to maintain a life is stressful enough, throw in a cloudy mental forecast and we’re really in for it.  Journaling, making lists and taking notes on our phone can help.  As long as we don’t lose, delete, or forget where we left this stuff.

  Since we never know how we’re going to show up at any point in time, planning stuff can become a nightmare.  And even our plans can go up in flames in an instant if the ‘self’ changes and we need to take a nap.  Forget about what’s on the dinner menu; you may have had lunch, but dinner is a no go.

   Hopeless?  Maybe, but confusion doesn’t really care about what goes on in real time.  And that’s where we’ll find reality.  Our thoughts don’t make up our reality.  Thoughts are a casserole of recordings that come from memory, and memory is very selective.  That lovely experience you remember all too well probably never happened in the way that we think it did.  The Christmas tree did fall down, it rained all day and the relatives were driving us crazy.

   Confusion and uncertainty are the father of intrusive and ruminating thoughts.  From whence comes panic attacks, nightmares, strange visions and weird thoughts in the dark.

   Yes, I know you’re hurting: both mentally and physically.  I sure am.

   Try distracting yourself with whatever interests you.  If you can still make sense of TV or reading, do it.  Listen to music, even though your genre or tastes may have changed along the way.  Be present.  Take a walk or exercise a bit if you still can.  Just like life, this whole thing we’re doing is a journey.  Probably not one that we planned, but one we are going to have to accept for the time being.