cirerecrem (Eric) - No more blame game

[[ma...]]

Hi Eric

 

We were tapering around the same time, so I remember all you went through. Sorry to hear about your daughter.

The teenage years can be hellish fir child and parent. I am so glad your coping skills are helping you though.

All the very best

magga x

[Guest [NM...]]

Gary aka gaer recently made a great post that inspired me to go ahead and post here.  I am always hesitant to proclaim success for fear of faltering.  I have always despisedpeople that vocalize one thing to the world and yet dont live up to that.  However Garys post made me realize that success isnt about being perfect.  Heck i think we would all consider Warren Buffet a success but i am sure not every investment he makes is a winner.

 

So perhaps i will take the easy way out and post the last entry i made on my blog.  It pretty much sums up the way things stand...

 

As you will see, there continues to be improvement.  That is not saying it is perfect.  I have been going through some crazy busy times and I can tell it is pushing my boundaries.  There was one time last week that I was getting into my truck after the 4th project of the day and my body started to shake and spasm.  Before it would have worried me and spiraled into days of anxiety or a panic attack at the moment.  Now I recognize I am pushing myself, I write down those positive feelings that it is just my bodies way of saying "take it easy" and I relax and let it pass.  I dont blame the benzo for this.  After all, i am experiencing all the stress and experiences of life without a drug governor on the throttle for the first time in 7 years.  Think back to the first time you were thrown into life -  you were eased into it from under your parents wings, the guidance of school, etc.  Now we have been dumped in the deep end after floating on raft, with no more arm floaties or life vest.  Of course we are gonna sink from time to time.  With that said here is a summary from the calendar i keep charting if i was Good or Bad three times a day.....

 

September - 20% Good 80% Bad

October - 26% Good, 74% Bad

November - 46% Good, 54% Bad

December - 57% Good, 43% Bad

January - 69% Good, 31% Bad

February - 78% Good, 22% Bad

March - 92% Good, 8% Bad

 

And other than random updates, I repeat below....

 

As for where I am.  Healed? Still dealing with lingering issues?  I don’t know.  I don’t know what is pre-existing, what is left over ingrained sxs that I am slowly pushing out the door, what is just aging, what is residual from being inactive for almost a year, etc.  I do know that I am in a much better place than I was during the taper and during the first parts of withdrawal, and I have been in this place for over a month.  I have been through some crazy hectic and emotional periods in the past few weeks and it really didn’t set me back or put me in a tailspin.

 

I have low physical tolerance to exercise – but I have been inactive for almost a year.

I don’t handle stressful situations or crowds well – but I haven’t had to deal with them without some kind of medication help in years.

I’m not sleeping well – but my lady tells me I am snoring really badly for a month now so that has messed it up.

I still get dizzy – but that was a sxs that became ingrained as a response to anxious situations and I am pushing it out.

I get anxious on the highway or on bridges – but that has been with me long before the benzos.

I still get negative thoughts – but this also was with me long before the benzos.

 

So what is left is pretty much me.  I’m done blaming the benzos.  I can’t eat junk food, feel like crap, and then blame the drug when I have never handled junk well.  I can’t drink caffeine, feel jittery, and blame the benzos when I have never handled caffeine well.  I can’t keep emotions bottled up, have them push me over the edge, and blame the benzos.  I can’t not exercise for a year, get winded when I do, and then blame the benzos.  Eventually that has to stop.  The blame game allows us to channel some emotions at an enemy and it helps when it is justified, but at some point I have to let that go.  I am partially to blame for the predicament I got into with these drugs.

 

I am working, i am laughing, i am able to do things without reaching for a pill, i have developed coping skills that work most of the time.  I consider that success.

 

Anyway.  I wish nothing but love and healing to everyone here.

 

Wow, this is wonderful.

[[...]]

Gary aka gaer recently made a great post that inspired me to go ahead and post here.  I am always hesitant to proclaim success for fear of faltering.  I have always despisedpeople that vocalize one thing to the world and yet dont live up to that.  However Garys post made me realize that success isnt about being perfect.  Heck i think we would all consider Warren Buffet a success but i am sure not every investment he makes is a winner.

Eric was one of my go-to guys. I'm going to assume that he has completely recovered and no longer feels any need to come here. But he was one of the guys I knew was going to make it!

 

So perhaps i will take the easy way out and post the last entry i made on my blog.  It pretty much sums up the way things stand...

 

As you will see, there continues to be improvement.  That is not saying it is perfect.  I have been going through some crazy busy times and I can tell it is pushing my boundaries.  There was one time last week that I was getting into my truck after the 4th project of the day and my body started to shake and spasm.  Before it would have worried me and spiraled into days of anxiety or a panic attack at the moment.  Now I recognize I am pushing myself, I write down those positive feelings that it is just my bodies way of saying "take it easy" and I relax and let it pass.  I dont blame the benzo for this.  After all, i am experiencing all the stress and experiences of life without a drug governor on the throttle for the first time in 7 years.  Think back to the first time you were thrown into life -  you were eased into it from under your parents wings, the guidance of school, etc.  Now we have been dumped in the deep end after floating on raft, with no more arm floaties or life vest.  Of course we are gonna sink from time to time.  With that said here is a summary from the calendar i keep charting if i was Good or Bad three times a day.....

 

September - 20% Good 80% Bad

October - 26% Good, 74% Bad

November - 46% Good, 54% Bad

December - 57% Good, 43% Bad

January - 69% Good, 31% Bad

February - 78% Good, 22% Bad

March - 92% Good, 8% Bad

 

And other than random updates, I repeat below....

 

As for where I am.  Healed? Still dealing with lingering issues?  I don’t know.  I don’t know what is pre-existing, what is left over ingrained sxs that I am slowly pushing out the door, what is just aging, what is residual from being inactive for almost a year, etc.  I do know that I am in a much better place than I was during the taper and during the first parts of withdrawal, and I have been in this place for over a month.  I have been through some crazy hectic and emotional periods in the past few weeks and it really didn’t set me back or put me in a tailspin.

 

I have low physical tolerance to exercise – but I have been inactive for almost a year.

I don’t handle stressful situations or crowds well – but I haven’t had to deal with them without some kind of medication help in years.

I’m not sleeping well – but my lady tells me I am snoring really badly for a month now so that has messed it up.

I still get dizzy – but that was a sxs that became ingrained as a response to anxious situations and I am pushing it out.

I get anxious on the highway or on bridges – but that has been with me long before the benzos.

I still get negative thoughts – but this also was with me long before the benzos.

 

So what is left is pretty much me.  I’m done blaming the benzos.  I can’t eat junk food, feel like crap, and then blame the drug when I have never handled junk well.  I can’t drink caffeine, feel jittery, and blame the benzos when I have never handled caffeine well.  I can’t keep emotions bottled up, have them push me over the edge, and blame the benzos.  I can’t not exercise for a year, get winded when I do, and then blame the benzos.  Eventually that has to stop.  The blame game allows us to channel some emotions at an enemy and it helps when it is justified, but at some point I have to let that go.  I am partially to blame for the predicament I got into with these drugs.

 

I am working, i am laughing, i am able to do things without reaching for a pill, i have developed coping skills that work most of the time.  I consider that success.

 

Anyway.  I wish nothing but love and healing to everyone here.

 

Wow, this is wonderful.