PANIC

[[Ks...]]

So I have finally had to drop out of school because of my terrible anxiety, and my anxiety has gone down noticeably since then.  So I decided to finally start some sort of taper.  I am on 2mg Ativan, and last night I took 1.875.  My weight this morning was up almost 2 lbs!  There is nothing else that accounts for this - I eat the same thing every day, my weight stays exactly the same, and if it goes up it rarely ever goes back down...  I have gained so, so much weight from medication and having an overall fucked up system, and I can attribute my depression now solely to my weight.  I am short so every pound shows.  Please can someone tell me what is going on???  This was not too low of a drop compared to what others on the board have done???  I am between psychiatrists but I doubt they would help at all.  I know this isn't a lot for some but, in one day?  And keep in mind it is 2 lbs on top of about 40 other pounds, so it is a big deal... I am afraid to get off this med and I am afraid to stay on it, my body has become so thoroughly messed up apparently that it overreacts to everything.  I eat extremely healthy.  Exercise somehow seems to cause me to rapidly gain *more* weight which is how messed up my body is, and I have read of other anecdotes on this board where that happens to people in this stupid benzo mess what with cortisol levels being completely fubar...

 

I just...I don't know what to do...nothing gets better and everything gets worse, and these stupid pills have ruined my formerly completely healthy body, and I am not even done with college yet.  My life is ruined before it even started.  Has this happened to *anyone* else and did it (the weight) go away?  Has anyone's "benzo belly" or whatever just gone away on its own?  Please...I feel so, so helpless and hopeless...

[[Kl...]]

Hi KS.

 

I'm KD.

 

I can't promise you that things will get better. But in my experience, the worst day without a benzo for me is better than the best day I ever could have taking a benzo. For me, the effects of cognitive impairment that a benzo gives me, is not worth having compared to the freedom and clarity of thought that I have without taking any.

 

Recovery says things will get better though, some quickly, some more slowly. I would offer no support whatsoever, because if you don't experience it now, it doesn't seem like it will ever come. But, if you want some support, which it seems like you do, since benzos are a controlled substance, I would go to a NA meeting (forget the fact that you may have been prescribed them). Not to get involved, but simply to hear other people share their experiences. I know when I don't want to go to one of those meetings, I still always get something out of them. I wish you the best.

 

Sincerely,

 

KDizzle

 

P.S.

 

My experience--

I have been taking benzos for 4 years straight. First Ativan, 2 mg p/day, then Klonopin in February of this year 2 mg p/day up to 4 mg p/day. I also took 4 mg p/day of Ativan for 3 weeks while I was in the hospital 2 months ago, and got off Ativan completely in 4 weeks. I have been free of benzos for almost a week (I haven't been counting), and feel great. I haven't felt this well in years, more like myself. Smarter, sharper, brighter. Some medications that are working for me while I am coming off benzos are 900 mg p/day of Gabapentin, and 10/20 mg as/needed of Inderal. Both are beta blockers, and Gabapentin is also a mood stabilizer and pain medication. Due to their beta blocking properties, both medications work well with physical anxiety. The emotional side of things is what you have to work on. Get a therapist, again, go to NA or AA meetings, or just talk to a friend or a family member. Do some deep breathing, treat yourself for making this step, watch a movie, play a video game, get a manicure/pedicure/massage/facial. Do something, anything, that you would enjoy doing, something that might be therapeutic for you during this process. Well wishes.

[[Ju...]]

KlonopinDisaster, did you just cold-turkey 2mg of Klonopin 4-days ago? 

 

This is what you appear to have done from your signature. 

 

If you did cold-turkey your benzo 4-days ago, please read this post for more information:

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=53153.0

[[Ju...]]

So I have finally had to drop out of school because of my terrible anxiety, and my anxiety has gone down noticeably since then.  So I decided to finally start some sort of taper.  I am on 2mg Ativan, and last night I took 1.875.  My weight this morning was up almost 2 lbs!  There is nothing else that accounts for this - I eat the same thing every day, my weight stays exactly the same, and if it goes up it rarely ever goes back down...  I have gained so, so much weight from medication and having an overall fucked up system, and I can attribute my depression now solely to my weight.  I am short so every pound shows.  Please can someone tell me what is going on???  This was not too low of a drop compared to what others on the board have done???  I am between psychiatrists but I doubt they would help at all.  I know this isn't a lot for some but, in one day?  And keep in mind it is 2 lbs on top of about 40 other pounds, so it is a big deal... I am afraid to get off this med and I am afraid to stay on it, my body has become so thoroughly messed up apparently that it overreacts to everything.  I eat extremely healthy.  Exercise somehow seems to cause me to rapidly gain *more* weight which is how messed up my body is, and I have read of other anecdotes on this board where that happens to people in this stupid benzo mess what with cortisol levels being completely fubar...

 

I just...I don't know what to do...nothing gets better and everything gets worse, and these stupid pills have ruined my formerly completely healthy body, and I am not even done with college yet.  My life is ruined before it even started.  Has this happened to *anyone* else and did it (the weight) go away?  Has anyone's "benzo belly" or whatever just gone away on its own?  Please...I feel so, so helpless and hopeless...

Many people lose weight when they are tapering but I also gained weight.  Now that I'm benzo free for 7 months, I have lost almost all of the weight I gained during my taper.  However, the weight did not miraculously just fall off, I had to work at it through diet and exercise. 

 

The only way that I've been able to regain my health is to taper off of my benzo.  If you'd like some support for developing a taper plan, post here:  General Taper Plans

 

Hang in there.  I'm so sorry that you're having a rough time. 

[[Ks...]]

The thing is that I have stuggled with an eating disorder most of my life, and been on a diet most of my life, and finally when I decided to recover, I have to deal with this mess too, and I can't stop gaining weight.  I can't do diet and exercise, for one it doesn't work anymore because my body is messed up from eating disorder and meds, and on top of that it just makes me feel like absolute shit, because I have literally been doing that my whole life.  I just want to be my normal size again and I know that is miles away from what I weigh now because of all this medication.  I feel like I am in a no-win situation, meds have screwed up my body and now I'm going to get even fatter for trying to get off of them, and if I stay on them I will just get more screwed up.  I can see why so many people kill themselves because of this addiction.  And the doctors don't even have to feel guilty about it because they were "trying to help".