Worried about permanent memory loss

[[...]]

I can't help but be terrified that my memory loss will permanent. I used to have a fantastic memory.

 

At 5 months out, my short term memory is awful. If I listen to a podcast or have a conversation with someone, I won't remember anything that was said the next day. I feel retarded. I had hopes of going back to university once I was done with w/d. I don't think this is possible anymore, seeing as memory is so important for studying. I read the Ashton manual last night and unfortunately there is no definite answer on the question of memory loss. Apparently memory loss was indefinite in some subjects  even 4-6 years later. This seemed to be the case in those who abused alcohol while taking benzos. I was very heavy drinker and pot smoker while on clonazepam, this is what I am scared of.

 

I am beginning to notice a pattern on BB. Those who drank or abused substances while on benzos, during or after taper seem to be having an especially difficult time. I sometimes wonder what shape my brain would be in had benzos been my only substance problem.

 

Thoughts?

[[Wo...]]

When I was at my peak dosage I had scary memory problems. I was out with friends and when I got up to leave I couldn't remember where I lived (or even what city I was in). It took a solid minute for me to remember. My memory has improved significantly since then (3 months). I also signed up for Luminosity a few days ago to try to improve that and other cognitive functions. Don't know if it will work but the games are kind of fun

[Guest [wi...]]

Hi there,

 

I, too have memory loss issues.  In fact, I had a great memory before benzos and now I'm having trouble recalling treasured memories from my pre- benzo days.

 

What everyone keeps telling me is our brain heals.  During acute w/d our brain plays tricks on us.  I am told to be patient.  I do have memories from old pop in when I least expect it.  Many say that during w/d as your mind heals, the memories will start creeping back in.

 

I hope that helps you.  I woke up at 5 am today dwelling on the same thing.  I kept trying to find memories that I couldn't recall and ended up in a panic.  We must keep telling ourselves that the brain heals and we don't have permanent brain damage.

Peace, WILLDOIT

[[Te...]]

I'm a little over six months off and I'm still dealing with memory lost, mostly short-term memory. Mostly it's minor things, but it's still a pain.

 

My mom died in October 2012 from complications related to Alzheimer's disease and I'm always nervous that I may be at risk. It was a horrible way for her to go, and the last couple of years she just flat-out didn't know who she was or who anyone else was. I'm 59, and if at some point I discover that I do have Alzheimer's, I'll find a way to commit suicide before it gets too advanced. I would not want to burden my wife and son with what my sister, brother and I went through...

 

So, yeah, when I "forget" things there's an unspoken fear in the back of my mind...

[Guest [wi...]]

Hi Tex,

 

I appreciate your feedback about short-term memory loss.

 

Mine is a little different.  My short-term memory is pretty good and it improves a bit with time.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm suffering from de-personalization, along with memory loss which makes the whole package of side effects worse.  And this mom guilt thing even compounds my frustrations.  It is so scary to look at your fairly young children (mine are ages 12 and 16) and think you missed their entire childhood ...even though I was not on benzos until they were about 7 and 11. 

 

I woke up this morning panicked because now I have to try and hide my acute withdrawals from them.  Sometimes it works...sometimes it doesn't.  And, panic attacks were not an issue for me until w/d.  I so wish I never took that first pill.  And, I never increased my dose or engaged in risky behavior.

 

Sorry for going on.  I've just had a couple really bad weeks. 

 

Peace, WILLDOIT

[[Sn...]]

Would I be asking something that is none of my business inquiring what your definition of "risky behavior" is? I'm guessing you don't mean what others on here might perceive that to mean. You may want to clarify that, if you're willing.

LAH

SnapDragon

[Guest [wi...]]

Absolutely,  I don't think I expressed myself clearly on 5 hours of sleep.

 

The "industry" defines addiction as someone who engages in "risky" behavior, i.e., getting in trouble with the law, abusing illegal drugs and alcohol, wreck less abandonment of life, friends, family.  I could go on and on.  As an "innocent addict," I rather did the opposite on benzos. I dwelled on being the "perfect" mother which we know doesn't exist.  I dwelled on making sure all my children's needs were met.  I mentally wore myself down until I became sick and tired. 

 

It was then, when I started dwelling about things like...have I gone to enough soccer games, cooked enough...etc, the things mom's feeling guilty about only my experience was excessive.  I became a "worry wart."  I probably went over and beyond what you needed for your reply.  Did my scrambled mind explain this?

 

Love and hugs,WILLDOIT

[[Sn...]]

I think so - in other words, IMO, if I am understanding you correctly, you did not engage in risky behavior ?

 

I know how it goes with not enough sleep or brain to function as one would like, boy howdy do I 

 

LAH

SnapDragon

[[Sv...]]

JC90, I'm with ya. I drank heavily while taking K and during my taper. I was told by docs that the K was causing my alcohol craving. Get rid of the K, and the cravings will stop.

 

So I quit booze and benzos at the same time. I often wonder which I'm still recovering from.

 

I had a visit with an excellent neurologist and talked to him openly about everything. First he assured he I didn't have brain damage. Secondly he said that people who abuse alcohol bad enough can cause brain damage that is detectable by an MRI. But even with that shown brain damage he said that people make a full recovery, including memory. So I'd like to think I'm better off in that I gave no detectable damage. Which means that time will heal all.

 

I believe Ashton said to give it a solid year for recovery on memory loss. I will assess that in a few months!

 

I've noticed in my windows that my memory is quite good. I lose it though in the next wave. So it's lurking there!

 

[Guest [wi...]]

Hi SnapDragon,

 

You got it! I didn't engage in risky behavior while on benzos besides taking the dang thing on the first place!  I don't drink, never really did that much...I've ALWAYS wanted to role model healthy behavior and relationships for my kids.  I've been mindful of that, especially as a mom.  I was a regular meditator pre-withdrawal, as well as an active member of a swim team for us former competitive swimmers.  In fact, I'm going to drag myself to the gym after I sign off.  Then it is to my cognitive therapist for support:). I am also going to try to find someone locally who I can talk to face to face who has "been there."  It is difficult to find someone for support who doesn't espouse the 12 step model.  That won't work for me.

 

I shall bid adieu for now.

 

Love, WDI.

[[...]]

JC90, I'm with ya. I drank heavily while taking K and during my taper. I was told by docs that the K was causing my alcohol craving. Get rid of the K, and the cravings will stop.

 

So I quit booze and benzos at the same time. I often wonder which I'm still recovering from.

 

I had a visit with an excellent neurologist and talked to him openly about everything. First he assured he I didn't have brain damage. Secondly he said that people who abuse alcohol bad enough can cause brain damage that is detectable by an MRI. But even with that shown brain damage he said that people make a full recovery, including memory. So I'd like to think I'm better off in that I gave no detectable damage. Which means that time will heal all.

 

I believe Ashton said to give it a solid year for recovery on memory loss. I will assess that in a few months!

 

I've noticed in my windows that my memory is quite good. I lose it though in the next wave. So it's lurking there!

 

The problem with the 'brain damage' question is that there is a clear difference between structural and functional brain damage. Structural brain damage can easily be picked up by MRI, because there are clear volume deficits and evidence of atrophy for someone who say, lost brain matter in a car accident. Functional brain damage is much different. The chemicals that govern and regulate normal functioning are altered to the point where it cannot be picked up by a brain scan, but it is obvious that something is very 'off.' An analogy perhaps would be the idea that smoking pot causes brain damage. Smoking weed does not causes 'holes' to develop in the brain, but if one abuses it, an addiction develops and there is functional damage. Studies have shown that addictions rewire and 'damage' the brain, leaving one more susceptible to addictive behaviour of any kind. In that sense, damage develops in an "indirect" way.

 

Mixing benzos and alcohol on a long-term basis had to have caused some sort of damage in that respect. The nervous system was extremely altered and tampered with, and got used to it over several months/years.

[[Sv...]]

I understand what you are saying JC90 in terms of the difference between structural and nonstructural

Damage.

 

I don't know what to say my friend. I'd like to focus on the positive. I was "fine" in terms of no grain damage while on benzos, so how can removing them cause harm?  Adding a toxic substance can cause harm, whether that's booze, weed or whatever. But how does taking something away cause permanent nonstructural damage?

 

I was fully functional up until my final benzo dose, working full time at a very demanding job. One week later my incapacitation began....

 

In any case I hope that time heals all. I was told that taking vitamin B complex as well as fish oil would help with any sort of brain damage, so I'm trying both!