"Lost years" despite short time use, don't understand why

[[ni...]]

So as you can see from my signature, I was on Lunesta about 5 1/2 months, hit tolerance withdrawal, switched to valium, tapered ~ 5 months and have been off for a little over 2 months. I am feeling better, but not great yet.

 

Before this period, it had been over 10 years since I took any deliberately psychoactive drugs (for postpartum depression and orthostatic intolerance), 1-2 months of Ambien followed by 1-2 months of prosom, 3-6 months of Wellbutrin followed by ~ 1 year of Celexa. I had no w/d upon stopping the Ambien/prosom and tapered the Celexa with only minor effects when I stopped in 2001.

 

In the intervening years, the only "psychoactive drugs" I took were flexeril, bentyl, benadryl and melatonin. While they all cross the blood brain barrier and make you sleepy, none are considered addictive and other than having IBS and fibromyalgia and being a lousy sleeper and tired a lot, the last decade has been okay healthwise. 

 

So, now to my question. I have 2 kids, a 14 year old son and a 10 year old daughter. I have this sense of having missed some of their growing up, particularly my son who has really become an adolescent in the last 2 years. I understand why I might feel like I missed some things in the last year (although I remember it pretty well), but don't understand why I feel like I have missed things that occurred prior to that when I was there. I would understand if I had been on Lunesta or benzos for a decade, but I wasn't.

 

It is sort of like having a historic depersonalization if that makes any sense. I am trying to figure out if this is a withdrawal thing or just a reaction to other stresses in my life. My mother had a major stroke 7 years ago and spent 4 years in a nursing home before she died and during that time I was turned down for tenure by my university and had to find a new job so it has been a pretty stressful last 7 years.

 

Does anyone else who was on z-drugs/benzos for a relatively short period have any similar experiences? Did it get better after you felt you were healed?

 

 

[Guest [wi...]]

OH MY!  Yes, I'm going through the same thing and have been despirately looking for you for support to normalize what I'm going through.  Everyone I speak to, including my husband, comforts me and says this is a part of healing.

 

I started panicking a couple weeks ago when I looked at my children, ages 12 and 16 and thought I never new them.  I think us mom's are particularly sensitive about this.  I've felt like I missed their entire upbringing, I try to recall old memories of my children and get nothing.  It is scary and no one knows how scary it is unless they've been in our shoes.  I have been on benzos for 6 years.  Despite that, things are foggy pre-benzo, especially with regards to my children.

 

I get a lot of support from my therapist who tells me to through out the guilt.  Other omo's on BB tell me the same and tell me they've been there.  People keep telling me it is the insidious nature of these benzos at work. Our brains are so scrambled.  Once we heal, the guilt and memories of our connection with our children will come back.

 

I hope that helps.  This mom stuff haunts me and keeps me awake for hours.

 

Let's hope for some more support.  Like you, I need a lot of it.

 

Hugs.  WILLDOIT

 

 

What I do on

[Guest [wi...]]

Hi Nisky,

 

I'm writing this from my IPOD and forgot to check for typos in my previous post.

 

I've been rushing around on 5 hours sleep trying to get our house ready to show (we are selling it...another stressor), along w/trying to get my 16 year old to his tutor.  The stressors of motherhood don't help.  Maybe it is a good thing because we have to push ourselves when we feel so sick and it is a distraction.

 

Just because you only took benzos for a short time does not make you immune to the drug talking and creating the scary de-personalization side-effect.  Please don't put pressure on yourself because you believe you shouldn't feel the way you do.

 

Hugs and peace,

 

WILLDOIT