When things are unbearable.

[Guest [ra...]]

Ok. I really just need to rant. I can't bloody take this anymore. Every day for the past few months since my dose started getting messed with I've been in an intolerable hell.

 

DP/DR like non other

Severe Depression/Mood Swings

Worsening of Food Allergies/Reactions/Candida & Leaky Gut

Inability to stay satiated food wise

Anxiety to the point of catatonic (the kind where you can't even talk to your closest friends)

Parania

Muscle Jerking

Visual Disturbances

Severe Exhaustion/Muscle Weakness

Nausea

OCD like mad

Feelings of hopelessness, I'm never going to get better, have a life... I'm only 25.

 

Seriously, this hell started quite badly when I fully updosed back to 10mg Valium.

 

I made a 1% cut today and seeing where I am in two weeks.

 

Has anyone ever been here and how in the hell did you get out? I can't take any more days like this.

 

The other symptoms are enough, but I just need to be able to talk coherently and use my brain so I can drive, work, and make sound decisions.... I can deal with the other stuff, but feeling like my brain has been wiped and I can't be myself is killing me.

 

Somone tell me they've been here and have stabilized. Desperate.

[Guest [ra...]]

PS: Can anyone make sense of this? I feel almost back to normal come a few hours after my evening dose.

 

I dose 5mg morning 8am, feel horrible the rest of the day, dose 5mg at 4pm, feel horrible till around 7-8 and then feel better.

[[gi...]]

Doesn't it just piss you off when no one responds to your posts except you. I think  it hurts my feelings more than makes me mad.

    To answer your question,  most people on bb have been where you are. It does get better,lots better but wd sx while tapering were the worst. I don't think you start to heal til your off and then you start acute wd which for me lasted several wks and wasn't much different for me that tapering.Healing is about time. You have to do your time. You make it through with distractions, you have got to stay busy. Posting and answering post, reading post and learning from other buddies about what to expect. Eating better and and exercise program were great  distractions for me and still are. 

 

[Guest [ra...]]

Thanks for the reply my friend. It sucks.. I can take symptoms and anxiety... and have for a while... but this is just intolerable hell.

 

I'm going to have to start mindfulness meditation again. I felt better when I was meditating everyday.

[[Ga...]]

PS: Can anyone make sense of this? I feel almost back to normal come a few hours after my evening dose.

 

I dose 5mg morning 8am, feel horrible the rest of the day, dose 5mg at 4pm, feel horrible till around 7-8 and then feel better.

 

Ray,

i didnt taper but nights have always been easier for me.

 

mornings are still bad.

[[An...]]

Hi Ray

I've had the variations like you post taking valium and expecting to feel better but feel worse and then sometimes getting some relief. I'm at similar dose to you and am going very slowly and holding a lot still as well. I'm always in withdrawal it just levels out a bit between reductions by making smaller ones and holding until I think I can go again. I've been doing very small daily reductions and that allows me to stop when symptoms start to escalate and I can level out some rather than be stuck 24/7 with high level symptoms that no amount of holding will reduce. I agree with the other post and that is that you somehow have to accept that it's probably going to be the most difficult thing you've ever done and take one day at a time. I still feel resentful, trapped, and wish I could just stop taking the drug. Every day is about survival really when you have major withdrawal symptoms. I'm using mindfulness techniques, listening to heaps of teachings and need to use this every day to keep some perspective. Also do as said in the  last post and explore this site, it really helps to know your not alone and to read the recovery stories and keep asking questions if you have any. If your questions aren't answered your sure to find that they've been covered before and you can do a search on here.

It can be insanely hard, but you can and I can get these doses gradually down and make it through, you have to just keep telling yourself that.

Most people on here find mornings consistently horrid, myself included.  I'm only guessing but maybe it's the high cortisol am, maybe if your taking caffeine at the same time your getting lesser absorption, there's no real way of knowing.  Also that's a fairly uneven dosing schedule, if your taking your pm dose that early in the afternoon it's along time until the following am dose and you may be well into withdrawal mode. You could consider adjusting your dosage times eg 8am and 8pm, some people dose more times a day, it's a matter of experimenting.

 

Good luck, PM me if you need to talk.

 

 

[Guest [ra...]]

Thank you very much. That might be it. I think I am going to stretch out my doses to 8am 8pm... it just makes more sense I think... that's probably why mornings are so horrid and nights better.