A question for long time users who are clean for a year or more

[[ra...]]

Dear Buddies,

 

I have not posted regularly for some time.  Back in the beginning I was known as a guy who gave no nonsense answers based on the best science I could dig up.  As time went on, my suffering became tolerable, but I was still pretty miserable and I just did not want to get on and bitch about my sleep and my colon.

 

Earlier this week, I flew from NY to Israel, 10 1/2 hours.  I did not take my night time Remeron or Melatonin that usually give me my 5-6 crappy hours, but just drifted in and out.  I was stressed when I took off, but oddly calm and clear-headed when I landed.

 

Fearing insomnia that night, I got plastered on 8-10 oz of hard alcohol, my goto drug of choice in times of desperation now that benzos are out.  From sleep deprivation and alcohol, I slept 9 hours.  I woke up a bit hung over and disoriented, but soon an amazing window opened.  I felt incredible.  I gave my high-level presentation, and went to dinner with coworkers.

 

Because I am my own worst enemy and I wanted lightning to strike twice, I got plastered again.  It did strike twice and the window opened even wider.

 

Now thinking what I believe to be more clearly than I have in years, and having had OCD (benzo induced?) I began to question some major decisions I had made during the years I was on Ativan.  I will not get into details, but they have long acting ramifications.

 

I think Ativan induces a sense of "nothing can hurt me," or at least it did in me, and at that moment I realized that many things I did absolutely could hurt me.  The anxiety it caused brought on a wave like I have not had in months.  In addiction, and in withdrawal, I have had a completely unreliable sense of what is important, and the fear of the consequences of my decisions had me near panic, and until tolerance, I never knew what panic or anxiety even were.

 

So . . .

 

My questions to those with experience is basically how do you tell what is real?  Was what you thought was important when you were addicted still important now?  Is what you think now more (or less) reliable?  How do you judge?

 

I am truly a lost soul, and appreciate any guidance you can give from your experiences.

 

Thank you in advance,

 

Ramcon1 

[[me...]]

Hi ramcon,

 

It's normal, once off benzos, to relive and question one's decisions/life choices while on them.  But all this is in the past, and can't be changed.  Find ways to distract yourself from these thoughts--they will fade in time as you heal.  Distraction is the best way to deal with obsessive thoughts--I distracted myself until it became a habit using my very obsessiveness to do it, and actually began to look forward to my favorite distractions.  As for the drinking, most of us find that we can't drink during this process, especially while in acute withdrawal.  I don't know your history with alcohol.....but this is not the time to be drinking in any event.

 

[[ra...]]

Thank you.  Good advice all around.

[[Ch...]]

Hey Ramcon1,

 

I know I am not quite a year off yet but this question speaks to me.  The lack of emotional connection to outcomes and consequences that is produced by benzo's affected my life in a lot of areas but most tangibly in my finances.  I was suppose to retire a year ago.

 

I did have a lot of anxiety around this as I started to "wake up" during my taper.  But, as we all know, you can't change the past.  So I came up with a new plan. 

 

As long as I stick to the plan I will be able to retire in 38 months and live reasonably well tho right now my credit is shot and I am living from paycheck to paycheck.  It is what it is. 

 

I am thankfull I was able to work during my taper and w/d cause otherwise this house of cards would have crumbled months ago.

 

Also, I think alcohol effects everyone differently.  I never did give up my 2 or 3 beers on Friday night.  If anything, I felt like I really earned them while working through w/d.  I know this is not true for everybody, but it does not seemed to have any effect on my healing.  So for me that is a personal choice.

 

Be Well,

China

[[ra...]]

China,

 

On one hand there is Megan's very good advice about not obsessing, but on the other you astutely stated that benzos cause "Lack of emotional connection to out comes and consequences."  That is really well put.  I may use that if I ever have to explain any of the actions I am questioning as I "wake up."  Whether or not we obsess, we still have to live with the consequences.

 

Ramcon1

[[Be...]]

I think its all just part of addiction/dependency..... thats part of what makes it work like it does..

 

as far as the drinking and windows...

Ive thought about this before, I sometimes wonder if we "force" withdrawals, they kind of get condensed and over with even quicker, I found this to seem to be the case when I had the flu, I thought I would die, but had a huge window afterwards, I wonder if in your circumstances, the "drunk" brought the hangover, probably included the remaining withdrawal side effects in there, whether you felt them or not, condensed them and gave you a quicker window afterwards..

I really dont know how to explain what Im thinking right now (cog-fog), but I think ya'll can get the jest of it, and I dont/not recommending it! My circumstances, and yours, just made me wonder about it...

 

Almost like the excercise theory, subjecting to stress and causing your system to start taking care of itself better/again..