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FROM HELL TO WELL


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Hey guys Ive come back to bb to spread some cheer for all you guys and gals who are still scared as hell and think that your life is well and truly over.  Im here to tell you its only just beginning.

 

Heres the scoop I was polydrugged to near death and had adverse drug reactions when some kind doctor hehehe decided in his wisdom to give a five foot three woman weighing just 115 pounds 4mg of Xanax just in case I got a bad reaction to some OCD pills id already reacted to well Im sure 4mg of Xanax is meant for an elephant not a human but oh well the doctors know best so I did what he said and from that day forward I went to a place that made hell look like a party.  After seven months I cold turkeyed straight up the morning dose of 2mg no one told me not to do this ever and I was already couch bound unable to read or write only be terrified and cry so it kind of hurt that one but nothing like two weeks later when I stopped the 2nd 2mg I had a seizure on the couch and ended up in hospital for a horrifying 7 weeks during this time I was reinstated to three mg of Xanax but nothing was working so they stopped it again.  I told my dr about the ashton manual and he decided it was a great idea to switch me to valium but he clearly didn't read the rest of the manual where it said slow taper.  He took me off that 45mg of valium in 18 days WOW is right.  I left hospital after getting down to zero he reinstated me at 2.5mg of valium and two weeks later I went down to 2mg and was screaming in corners I promptly went back to hospital and got off the remainder in ten days.  There were no water titrations or measuring devices my cuts come from nurses fingernails snapping pills.  The hell I endured I cannot begin to tell you and don't want to make it the dominating feature of my story Im already boring my own self with it.  Im here to tell you the crying the dp the dr the burning skin the insomnia the constant pacing the horror and fear the paranoia and everything else all ENDS.  Heres what kept me alive and trust me those suicidal thoughts are the most brutal thing right you seriously only can think about dying because there are worse things than death this bs being one of them.  However what you don't know right now that paradise awaits you.  A life where you can live how you want again but this time only better.  You are more appreciative you know who and what you are you know how strong you are and what is important to you.  here is a little list for you to focus on.

 

1.  You will not die

2.  Your benzo brain is a liar

3.  You are not permanently brain damaged

4.  You are still you

5.  Feelings will come back you will feel love again

6.  You can drink coffee again and eat what you want

7.  You are safe on benzo buddies

8.  Tell yourself its the benzos not you the drugs did this to your brain

9.  Your brain does heal itself

10. Read the success stories again and again here and anywhere else you can find them

11. Get yourself a benzo support network sort out the people you click with and get rid of those who don't

12. Don't keep trying to explain yourself to your family they don't know what they don't know the same way you don't know what it feels like to have a disease that someone else is trying to explain to you what its like.

13. Be patient this crap doesn't disappear overnight it goes on and on and on

14. Yes you are in hell and you will come out of it

15. I found great help in helping others anything to distract yourself I don't regret a thing even the inhouse fighting on bb kept me alive. 

16. Choose your friends wisely I mean there are sick people on here but there are sick people if ya know what I mean.

17. Recovery is not linear that's the truth one step forward two steps back

18. A window is something you open to let fresh air In don't expect just because you are not getting windows you are not healing

19. You will stop pacing the floors

20. YOU WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN

 

Ok Im sure there is more but before I go I will tell you how I am now.

 

Im sooooo happy I cannot begin to tell you my life is more fulfilled now than ever before.  I have gone back to work and am now in school fulltime I just got 32 out of 40 on my science exam yesterday so WOOHOO no brain damage here.  I laugh lots and drink loads of coffee eat candy aka lollies and sleep AMAZING sleep oh how I love just having dreams again without a skull looking at me or some other freaky image.  Cant remember the last time I cried and if I do its a brief boo hoo not hours of wailing.  I have found the most amazing boyfriend who I love so much he heard the story and we have not made it part of our lives its become just that another story of my life.  Cant believe I found love again and its all thanks to this hell.  If this didn't happen to me Id be stuck in a job I hated a sucky marriage and I was miserable as all hell.  Now Im HAPPY do you get it YOU are going to be OK.  Life is waiting for you its beautiful I promise you I don't tell lies.  I remember reading these stories and going yeah as if im dying from this shit and you may have recovered but I am doomed NO YOU ARE NOT.  Every second you get through is a step closer to healing.  oh get out and walk I walked the streets crying but I came out of it fit as.  Hey your hair and skin will be beautiful again.  You may look hotter than what you did before for real stranger things have happened.  I travel again before all this I lived my life In fear maybe you did to now Im like whatever plane you crash what can I do about it Ive survived this hell Ill survive anything well maybe not a plane crash but you get the picture. :)  Before I go no one around here is an expert on your withdrawal they will try and tell you they are and you may think they are because you are temporarily vulnerable and feel like you have lost your mind but trust me you haven't and you know what works best for you.  I hope someone gets something out of this Im not sure Ill be back.  Please don't think im a bad person for not sticking around because I just cant.  I have stuff to do people to meet places to go.  I lost two years of my life to this crap and I need to make up for some lost time.

 

Lastly and before I seriously do go I need to say thank you to all of you the people who stayed by my side for my five thousand posts and supported me even through all the fighting we had a remarkable bond.  To name you all would be unfair because none of you were more important than the other.  My love for you all will be ongoing and that only you guys know how it is to truly suffer something so horrifically painful.  I respect each and every one of you and I will never forget you.  Once again I say thank you.  To Colin and the team OMG I know I was such a pain In the ar$e at times and I hung around with all the naughty people but really I had the best time in hell a girl could ask for given the circumstances.  I cant believe the stuff we used to argue about but distract distract right so even if we had a little bit of drama on bb it got us through another day.  Thanks so much for the constant monitoring of the forum you all do a wonderful job I so admire you for sticking with it its a grueling process.  Colin thanks for providing everyone with a safe place to come to and educate us on what the hell was happening and is happening to so many people.  OK please take care hang in there and remember life is amazing on the other side.

 

Lizzy xoxo

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Absolutely fantastic! :smitten: :smitten: A must read for all Benzo Buddies!!

 

Lizzy,  :clap::hug::highfive::balloon::mybuddy::yippee::smitten: :smitten:

 

It is indeed a wonderful world & life after benzos.

 

Much love to you...........T2

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Thank you Lizzy :hug: for this truly inspiring post, it will give those who read it so much hope. It is truly wonderful to read.

 

I am so pleased you are working and getting back to life, you went through hell to achieve it

 

 

I wish you the very best life has to offer

 

((hugs))

 

Magrita :smitten:

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Congratulations Lizzy, :)

 

I always enjoyed reading your posts.  You are a feisty, common sense, 'tell it like it is' kind of woman - and in my book, that spells w i n n e r.  When you say that life is amazing on the other side, you ain't kiddin' - because it certainly is.

 

The very best to you.

 

pj

 

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((Lizzy))

 

Thanks for this inspiring post!!  You went through a battle of the ages and now you are living a wonderful life.  Go on and enjoy this time, you certainly deserve it.

 

pianogirl  :thumbsup:

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Oh here it is after I just answered that introduction piece.

 

I want more details - not the drug part but the new man and life part. Perhaps I will have to write to you privately for the lurid details (well, I hope there are some lurid details).

 

And I hope you have put on heaps of weight from eating all those lollies.

 

Your old friend,

 

Xana xxxxx

 

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Lizzy thanks for taking the time to come back.  It can be tough to revisit a place that was part of a tough time.  How long have you been off benzo's?  How long have you been good?

 

All the best

 

Pardner

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Way to go sista... I knew you had it in you.Ive always known .We spent some nights an early mornings trying to push through the madness. You suffered huge.I hope you were able to find comfort in my words letting you know you will heal and all of this will be behind you!

 

Looks like Life is good for you and Im so happy it is.. Keep smiling and laughing and enjoy your new love in life an for life...

 

~Jenny

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Lizzy,

 

Thank you so much for coming back and writing a new success story and telling us how wonderful it is on the other side of all this.

I was just wondering today if I will ever be able to use my right arm again….or think like I could before….now I have some hope…

I don't believe it yet, but I am hopeful that I will be writing a success story at some point too.

I am happy you mentioned the skin and looking better…I guess we all feel like we look like Sh*t…So good to know that this gets better too…

I am going to keep hoping that things will just continue to improve and eventually be back to normal..or better than normal.

 

Thank you for sharing your success with us.

Much love and continued healing for you….

 

Causing

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Sorry I didn't write a signature and I forgets how I was on benzos 4mg for 7 months and my last dose ever of a benzo was 11 April 2012 so Ive been off 19 months I guess it was probably around 16 months off that I realized I really was getting and going to get over this.  Not saying I didn't have some ok days but the suffering was forefront in my mind all the time until it just started to slowly disappear.  Take note definitely healing after waves like really noticeable.  waves are a good thing.  I truly believe that and trust me I had some waves that last once ten days of struggling to survive it the depression was unreal and I don't normally ever feel depressed.  Really you cant name it depression its a hundred times worse than anything normal that's for sure.

 

Thanks so much guys for your good words this place is and always will be awesome.  Jaso hell yeah you gave me so much hope when I thought there was none.  Xana you cheeky chop lets just say this NO I did not put on weight are you serious it was one of the good things to come from this hell at that time.  Ok ill answer your inbox I know its from you xoxoxo

 

Causing I just saw you have posted as Im about to post this.  Of course you will be ok again if your arm worked before honey its going to work again.  You will think just fine Im in school and Im learning a completely different career so my brain is ok right.  You have to trust in those of us who have been there I know its hard like trust me I KNOW but you will be ok just keep going through the seconds then minutes then hours then days and one day it will all be over.  I promise

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Amazing story! I have printed out your other success story and read it over and over and now I have this one too! I can feel the excitement in your voice as you write. I am so happy for you! You bring much hope, thank you!
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Congrats! and Im so happy to read your post. Do you consider yourself 100%% healed?

Best of life to you! :)

 

Interesting question.  Had to think about this to give you a true and accurate response.  I feel better than healed.  I mean were any of us ok before all this?  I often see the analogy of oh I was just fine before benzos.  Really?  I know I had issues for sure otherwise I wouldn't have gone to this hell and back.  Most of my previous issues have gone like my anxiety is so minimal its not even worth worrying about.  It all passes.  I don't have asthma anymore after years of being on a preventative medication I walk five kilometres most days up hills to and have never needed my asthma medication.  I rarely get sick and fly on a plane every two weeks without the fear I used to get.  However I do still say I have anxiety as such but like I said its minimal.  I still feel like Im getting better.  No joke when I wake at night which is rare but sometimes I do I actually look at the time and wish the day would come I feel excited for this life.  Seems crazy when I used to just want life to be over and I thought it was.

 

I have to add that Im still aware that something f'd up took place you just don't forget it but it doesn't worry me anymore as I said Im glad it happened to me and Im even gladder I survived it.

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